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johnsae
Sip.
Member since 3/06 18677 total posts
Name:
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
WELL For the record I think anyone who has to ask is it "fair" to your dh that you gained weight is kind of flucked up! JMO
I think that when you meet someone and fall in love you fall in love with everything about them....including physical appearance. A lot of spouses get comfortable in their relationships, get the ring, and let themselves blow up--for no reason other than they feel comfortable.
And no, I don't think that is fair.
I agree with what you've said here.
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Posted 10/30/07 8:25 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Funny you should ask this.......DH has gained almost 50lbs since we met, and I will admit I am not as attracted to him physically, but I am still attracted to him. We sat down last week and had a talk about our weight. I have also gained about 5-10lbs since we met mostly because I still all day now vs being active on the road. I brought it up because I am concerned about his health. He's a big guy, but in the past 4 yrs he has lost 80 lbs and then regained almost 90lbs. I would NEVER tell him i'm not as atracted to him because my concerns are health related and not physical. This is what I talk to him about and he understands my concerns. I tell him to eat better and to start running/walking again. It was a passion for him plus Gus could use a walk every now and then. DH would eat pasta EVERYDAY if I let him and snacks on candy and pasta. I want to make healthier choices because when we have a family I want our kids to make good decisions also. I would NEVER leave him because of his physical appearence, but it would be an issue if he didn't care enough about his family to cut out a pasta meal or a candy bar. DH dosen't feel as sexy/attractive as he did 3ys ago or even 2yrs ago. I always tell him I love him and find him attractive. It dosen't matter to him. He feels like he let himself go and THAT is what makes him feel less attractive and the same goes for me. I FEEL different at this weight then my smaller one. I don't FEEL as sexy and you can see that so I think sometimes we send the message.......I don't feel sexy because I gained weight so I won't do my hair or wear makeup as often or I'll throw on comfy pj's instead of that sexy number you like. I think some of it is our own personal perception of ourself's also.
Message edited 10/30/2007 8:40:14 PM.
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| Posted 10/30/07 8:26 PM |
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JenBenMen
party of five
Member since 9/06 11343 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
DH and I were in great shape when we got married...i wish we both can go back to that...we were also working out a lot together, and that was fun
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| Posted 10/30/07 8:53 PM |
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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
But I question why she can get her azz in gear and look great while single, but let's herself go when in relationships??
She is a BEAUTIFUL girl inside and out!!
But I just wonder...why this cycle??
I can tell you exactly why this cycle...at least for me.
When I was single I went to the gym ALOT - two/three hours a day every day. And I never ate at night - for no other reason than I wasn't hungry.
BUT, when I am with someone. I spend less time at the gym cuz it takes away from our time together and I tend to eat dinner cuz that's what you do as a couple.
Now, my ideal weight is somewhere around 155 pounds...I'm 5'9" and very muscular...When I met DH I was 140 pounds and a size 4/6 ---very thin for me....
When a person is single they have a lot of free time and one of the best ways to spend it is at the gym....that free time disappears with a relationship.
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| Posted 10/30/07 10:51 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Gertyrae
I can tell you exactly why this cycle...at least for me.
When I was single I went to the gym ALOT - two/three hours a day every day. And I never ate at night - for no other reason than I wasn't hungry.
BUT, when I am with someone. I spend less time at the gym cuz it takes away from our time together and I tend to eat dinner cuz that's what you do as a couple.
Now, my ideal weight is somewhere around 155 pounds...I'm 5'9" and very muscular...When I met DH I was 140 pounds and a size 4/6 ---very thin for me....
When a person is single they have a lot of free time and one of the best ways to spend it is at the gym....that free time disappears with a relationship.
My husband would agree with you 100%. He will still say that I sucked up all his free time & he stopped going to the gym.
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| Posted 10/30/07 11:05 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Both I and my husband have gained weight since we met. Me a lot more then him and he is the one who constantly tells ME not to worry about it, and I barely even NOTICE his weight gain when other family members point it out. He recently said he gained probably close to 40 or so lbs since we met and I 100% did not notice it.
I think its shallow to even talk about it.
I wouldnt think twice about it( being upset over a weight gain) , and I am very glad my husband acts as if he feels the same way...
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| Posted 10/30/07 11:37 PM |
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rojerono
Happiest.
Member since 8/06 13803 total posts
Name:
Jeannie
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by Gertyrae
I can tell you exactly why this cycle...at least for me.
When I was single I went to the gym ALOT - two/three hours a day every day. And I never ate at night - for no other reason than I wasn't hungry.
BUT, when I am with someone. I spend less time at the gym cuz it takes away from our time together and I tend to eat dinner cuz that's what you do as a couple.
Now, my ideal weight is somewhere around 155 pounds...I'm 5'9" and very muscular...When I met DH I was 140 pounds and a size 4/6 ---very thin for me....
When a person is single they have a lot of free time and one of the best ways to spend it is at the gym....that free time disappears with a relationship.
My husband would agree with you 100%. He will still say that I sucked up all his free time & he stopped going to the gym.
Also - some people eat more when they are happy. My SIL went from a size 14 to a size 5 when she and her ex started having problems a few years ago. He cheated on her and she basically stopped eating. Finally she kicked him out and ultimately found a new boyfriend. Her new boyfriend treats her like GOLD. She has gained back all the weight she lost from being depressed and miserable and her boyfriend thinks she looks fabulous. He doesn't care if she is a size 2 or a size 20.. he just loves her.
And with me.. it is exactly like Gertyrae said. I used to be VERY physically active - playing sports and going to the gym and just doing a lot of activities. When I had neck surgery I was FORCED to stop going to the gym and doing a lot of the things I had done. I was depressed and I ate a lot because I was so bored and sad about being able to do nothing but sit. The pounds started to pack on. After 12 weeks, I was heavier and I hadn't done ANYTHING in over 3 months - so I couldn't get back to doing the things I had been doing. Which only made me more depressed. Then my father died. Which just about killed me. Then I got pregnant. ALL WITHIN A 5 MONTH SPAN. By the time my son was born I had put on over 80 lbs from where I had been. And I could NOT do the stuff that I had been doing. Plus I had no time at ALL. I was either breastfeeding, sleeping or doing errands. Then I got pregnant again.
Now? My youngest is 4. I could carve out some time for the gym. But I have allowed myself to fall into a really bad rut of over-eating and not exercising enough. I am trying to climb out of it... but it isn't easy! And when I read stories about husbands and wives being actively and vocally disgusted by their spouses for whatever reason... I take a moment and thank GOD for the wonderful man I had the good sense to marry.
Message edited 10/31/2007 7:20:28 AM.
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| Posted 10/31/07 7:18 AM |
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azoodie
Member since 8/05 8377 total posts
Name:
Team SEXY BACK
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
So according to some comments on here, I don't have to worry about letting myself go!!!! 
I don't usually wear make up, am a casual dresser and have been overweight basically all my life. I can only go up from here!! 
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| Posted 10/31/07 7:58 AM |
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munchkinbugs
My little loves!
Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Gertyrae
Posted by babybug631
But I question why she can get her azz in gear and look great while single, but let's herself go when in relationships??
She is a BEAUTIFUL girl inside and out!!
But I just wonder...why this cycle??
I can tell you exactly why this cycle...at least for me.
When I was single I went to the gym ALOT - two/three hours a day every day. And I never ate at night - for no other reason than I wasn't hungry.
BUT, when I am with someone. I spend less time at the gym cuz it takes away from our time together and I tend to eat dinner cuz that's what you do as a couple.
Now, my ideal weight is somewhere around 155 pounds...I'm 5'9" and very muscular...When I met DH I was 140 pounds and a size 4/6 ---very thin for me....
When a person is single they have a lot of free time and one of the best ways to spend it is at the gym....that free time disappears with a relationship.
I kind of think that this is just an excuse not to go to the gym. When DH and I started dating, I would get home from work around 7:30-8 PM every night, but still made time to go running. If it's something that's important to you, you make the time to do it. No excuses.
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| Posted 10/31/07 8:18 AM |
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oops123
LIF Adult
Member since 8/05 2509 total posts
Name:
michelle
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
I didnt read all the responses to this thread - just wanted to add my 2 cents.
I feel that men are different than woman. THey can seperate love from attraction, while women I feel can be more accepting of their DH's weight gain or hairloss etc, simply because they love them.
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals, they are ruled by their visuals-if their wives let themselves go, gain weight for no reasons due to sickness &such, and dont take care of themselves, as much as their DH's love them, they arent going to find them as attractive, and that is when they can look elsewhere for something a little more "visually pleasing"!
Call me vain, call me shallow, but I know my DH for 15 years, and I still keep myself in shape,try as much as I can with 2 small children to keep myself together. When I know he is coming home from work-I will always check myself out in the mirror&make sure I look ok, bc I want to ensure-as much as my sweet DH isnt the type-that he doesnt have to wander the coop to see if there is something better for him out there!
Its sort of how a wife appreciates her DH when he's romantic, brings home flowers,gives her cards etc.......
If he stops doing this after a while, we wouldnt appreciate it either-and would complain that "they dont make an effort-they dont care about the marriage anymore"...men are the same way!
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| Posted 10/31/07 9:54 AM |
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june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Maybe I am hurt by the let themselves go comment.
I shower EVERYDAY. Wear a business suit to work EVERYDAY and put Makeup on EVERYDAY...
So I've gained some weight. I still look good!
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| Posted 10/31/07 9:56 AM |
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rojerono
Happiest.
Member since 8/06 13803 total posts
Name:
Jeannie
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals, they are ruled by their visuals-if their wives let themselves go, gain weight for no reasons due to sickness &such, and dont take care of themselves, as much as their DH's love them, they arent going to find them as attractive, and that is when they can look elsewhere for something a little more "visually pleasing"!
Although I can definitely see your point -but I always think it is a mistake to bundle in 'all' men - or 'all' anyone for that matter.
Maybe I am just lucky - but I don't think my husband is a simple animal. I think he is pretty complex and fascinating and absolutely wonderful. He has stood by me through thick and thin - literally. And - like I said - he has NEVER made me feel anything less than totally adored and beautiful. When I beat myself up for my weight gain - my husband is the first one to say "Don't talk about the most beautiful woman in the world that way."
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:03 AM |
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LIPrincess
Foxy Lady
Member since 6/05 1610 total posts
Name:
Jaimie
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
I have gained about 40lbs since we got married. I would love to blame all the fertility drugs trying to have a child or the stress or the fact that I love to cook and eat. But to be honest, I stopped going to the gym, everyones right I don't have as much free time as when I was single.
But, with that being said, everyday my dh says he loves me and I am beautiful to him.
I would never leave him for gaining weight, to be honest I would sooner leave him for not quitting smoking than gaining weight.
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:04 AM |
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oops123
LIF Adult
Member since 8/05 2509 total posts
Name:
michelle
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by rojerono
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals, they are ruled by their visuals-if their wives let themselves go, gain weight for no reasons due to sickness &such, and dont take care of themselves, as much as their DH's love them, they arent going to find them as attractive, and that is when they can look elsewhere for something a little more "visually pleasing"!
Although I can definitely see your point -but I always think it is a mistake to bundle in 'all' men - or 'all' anyone for that matter.
Maybe I am just lucky - but I don't think my husband is a simple animal. I think he is pretty complex and fascinating and absolutely wonderful. He has stood by me through thick and thin - literally. And - like I said - he has NEVER made me feel anything less than totally adored and beautiful. When I beat myself up for my weight gain - my husband is the first one to say "Don't talk about the most beautiful woman in the world that way."
You are right-I should say "most" men! my dh is the same way...there isnt a day where he doesnt tell me I look beautiful or how lucky he is, and when I gained a lot(and I mean a Lot!) of weight from having 2 babies back to back, he still made me feel beautiful every day. Maybe that is why I want to keep myself looking my best for him. ANd maybe that is why he makes the extra effort to be romantic!
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:18 AM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
Thru the rabbit hole!
Member since 7/06 4412 total posts
Name:
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by Gertyrae
I can tell you exactly why this cycle...at least for me.
When I was single I went to the gym ALOT - two/three hours a day every day. And I never ate at night - for no other reason than I wasn't hungry.
BUT, when I am with someone. I spend less time at the gym cuz it takes away from our time together and I tend to eat dinner cuz that's what you do as a couple.
My husband would agree with you 100%. He will still say that I sucked up all his free time & he stopped going to the gym.
MY DH and I go to the gym together every morning. We do not work out together, you'd probably not even know we knew each other because we both do our own thing, but we're there at the same time and I like looking at him
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:26 AM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by june262004
Maybe I am hurt by the let themselves go comment.
I shower EVERYDAY. Wear a business suit to work EVERYDAY and put Makeup on EVERYDAY...
So I've gained some weight. I still look good!
if your DH thinks that too, then you guys are golden.
I am baffled by how people are taking comments others are making about THEMSELVES personally.
No one here is saying that you can't be overweight and look good.
No one is saying a man cannot be attracted to his wife if she gains a few pounds.
people are talking about THEIR relationships, THEIR experience, and most of all, their feelings about THEMSELVES.
stop with the VAIN labels. it's just as bad as the LAZY label. it's the same (erroneous) thing.
and most of all, stop taking things personally. Just b/c someone doesn't think THEY look good overweight, doesn't mean they don't think YOU look good.
*disclaimer- the "you" in this is the "global" you, not you, june.
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:28 AM |
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shiv
Twinsanity!!
Member since 5/07 4747 total posts
Name:
Shiv
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by MrsRivera
Posted by anna
I havent read this whole thread, but Id like to agree with everyone that says marriage and love goes WAYYYYY beyond physical attraction.
Just a thought, Icant imagine leaving someone because they didnt "look" right.. 
\
Completely and totally agreed. There was a post a few threads back that asked if love and physical attraction are two separate things. In my eyes, they aren't--they go hand in hand.
I understand that many people feel that significant weight gain would be grounds for divorce. But my feeling is, that kinda throws the whole "for better or for worse" thing out the window, huh? 
ITA.
IMO- physical attraction should be connected to your love for the person and so if their appearance changed- you would still be attracted to them because you love them.
Weight gain, sometimes, is something you can control. But at the end of the day- it's still a change in physical appearance. Now if a person was disfigured or paralyzed in an accident, that would be a significant change in appearance also. Not their fault, but still a change.
So, is it the weight gain or lack of trying that would get people upset? And as I said in another post, you could be trying and still gain weight, so would you still be upset than? Just curious…
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:29 AM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by rojerono
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals, they are ruled by their visuals-if their wives let themselves go, gain weight for no reasons due to sickness &such, and dont take care of themselves, as much as their DH's love them, they arent going to find them as attractive, and that is when they can look elsewhere for something a little more "visually pleasing"!
Although I can definitely see your point -but I always think it is a mistake to bundle in 'all' men - or 'all' anyone for that matter.
Maybe I am just lucky - but I don't think my husband is a simple animal. I think he is pretty complex and fascinating and absolutely wonderful. He has stood by me through thick and thin - literally. And - like I said - he has NEVER made me feel anything less than totally adored and beautiful. When I beat myself up for my weight gain - my husband is the first one to say "Don't talk about the most beautiful woman in the world that way."
Jeannie...look at yourself. you ARE beautiful. your husband is no fool.
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| Posted 10/31/07 10:29 AM |
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rojerono
Happiest.
Member since 8/06 13803 total posts
Name:
Jeannie
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
Jeannie...look at yourself. you ARE beautiful. your husband is no fool.
 
and you are just as crazy as my husband. That's probably one of the reasons I love you!
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| Posted 10/31/07 12:17 PM |
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heidla
Me and the guys
Member since 5/05 4024 total posts
Name:
Heidi
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
DH and I have discussed this before. We both agreed that no matter what we will love each other, but that if either of us put on an extreme amount of weight we might not be as attracted to each other as we once were. I know it is awful to say that, but its true.
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| Posted 10/31/07 12:48 PM |
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oops123
LIF Adult
Member since 8/05 2509 total posts
Name:
michelle
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
See I agree that when we take our vows "for better or for worse" we are making a comittment to stay together no matter what curveballs life may throw to you.
But the OP asked "do you think its fair to you SO if you let yourself go".
many posters responded with an "I gained a significant amount of weight since we're married and SO WHAT? If dh doesnt like it then good riddence"
I dont think this is fair at all.
We are talking about physical attraction-not any other aspect of a commited relationship.
Why should it be fair for a DW to gain 300lbs(one poster mentioned this number) and a then to have an attitude like that,
and then for it NOT to be fair for the DH to have an extramarital affair-and then the wife wants a divorce? We made a vow "for better or for worse" right?!
I think that if this was a board with mostly males-and this same question was posed, we'd see a lot less forgiving men. Like I said, "most" men are Visual creatures-not fair, I agree, but it is what it is!
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| Posted 10/31/07 1:35 PM |
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Whamtastic
LIF Adult
Member since 1/07 997 total posts
Name:
Big Fat Baby with a Blackberry
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals
We must hang out in VERY different crowds. I know plenty of men who are far from simple, wanting or in relationships with complex women who challenge them, make them laugh, share their joy and sorrow and make them better people.
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| Posted 10/31/07 2:02 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals
We must hang out in VERY different crowds. I know plenty of men who are far from simple, wanting or in relationships with complex women who challenge them, make them laugh, share their joy and sorrow and make them better people.
but the still oogle the VS women and Angie Jolie and any other "hot" woman.
I know without question that my husband LOVES me. thinks I am fantastic person...fun to be with, we have shared interests etc..
but, he ALSO, in addition to LOVING me for all of those reasons, LIKES TO LOOK AT ME. The way I am now. the way I have been give or take for the last 15 years that he's known me.
he chose to GET with me FIRST b/c he thought I was pretty. he choses to STAY with me for many reasons, but the PRETTY part still remains.
As I get old, he will get old with me. old happens over time. the only other recourse is to DIE.
If I gained 50 pounds and did nothing about it...he would not be happy. He would be turned off NOT ONLY but my physical appearance, but ALSO b/c it would of the definite changes it would make in my attitude towards my self, and the perceived attitude I have towards my relationship.
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| Posted 10/31/07 2:11 PM |
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Whamtastic
LIF Adult
Member since 1/07 997 total posts
Name:
Big Fat Baby with a Blackberry
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals
We must hang out in VERY different crowds. I know plenty of men who are far from simple, wanting or in relationships with complex women who challenge them, make them laugh, share their joy and sorrow and make them better people.
but the still oogle the VS women and Angie Jolie and any other "hot" woman.
I don't believe that all men are like that. I know for a fact the one I married isn't.
That being said, I also wouldn't be happy or expect him to be happy with my body if I put on a lot of weight.
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| Posted 10/31/07 2:34 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Whamtastic
I don't believe that all men are like that. I know for a fact the one I married isn't.
.
i would be lying if I said I was not surprised.
I have never met a man, no matter how in love or dedicated, that did not check out other women. Either in front of their SO'S or respectfully behind their backs.
but there is a first time for everything. that's awesome.
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| Posted 10/31/07 2:38 PM |
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