Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Message edited 10/30/2007 11:18:55 AM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by azoodie

I'm pretty sure someone had said that if they gained weight their DH had the right to find them disgusting. Maybe it was edited Don't worry I wasn't talking about you lol.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I think if you gain 20-30lbs or even more after you get married I would not find an issue with that, however if you gain 100 + lbs after you get married to someone (either you or him) there has to be some reason why that happened and thus will cause issues in a relationship. My DH and I are not the most athletic people, but we make an effort to eat healthy and go for walks. To me if my DH just decided to start eating crap and stop doing an iota of exercise and gained 100+ pounds yes it would be an issue for me...not necessarily because i don't find him attractive, but because when i married him our life was like it was prior to the 100+ weight gain. I think a weight gain like that (minus health reasons) usually means there is other issues occurring in the relationship or with that person and that might be what would lead us to counseling or a divorce.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

You can't help who you're attracted to. Attraction and LOVE are 2 different things. I wouldn't love my DH any less, but I don't know if I'd be attracted to him if he gained 100 pounds. I wouldn't divorce him over it.

I am answering honestly here, I just don't know, I wouldn't LOVE him less, I wouldn’t want to divorce him but I have NO IDEA what would happen to my attraction to him. I don't know that ANYONE here can answer what would happen to their attraction to their spouse if their spouse gained 100 pounds unless it actually happened to them.

Again, I'm talking about 100 pounds, not 30, and I am talking about ATTRACTION not love.

ETA - This has had me thinking all day I am madly in love with my DH and insanely attracted to him, and I know my attraction for him is more than JUST his looks, but I am trying to be 100% honest and that's why I say I don't KNOW if I'd be attracted to him if he gained 100 pounds. I feel like you can’t control physical attraction. I’m not attracted to blonde men or men with beards either, that doesn’t make me shallow!

Message edited 10/30/2007 2:22:42 PM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Obviously a lot of people are taking this question personally because they are reading into things that were never even said.

For the record, here is my original reply:
I have no problem saying it, I'd be PI$$ED if my DH gained a hundred pounds! Would I leave him? Not a chance. I love him for the beautiful man he is inside, not just his gorgeous exterior, but I don't know how physically attracted to him I'd still be.

And I would completely understand my DH's disgust if I morphed into something a hundred pounds heavier after we married. I know my DH loves me unconditionally and appreciates the person I am inside, but physical attraction is also an important part of a relationship. And someone who stops taking pride in their appearance and starts to let themself go is hard to feel attracted to.


To clarify, I'm not talking about gaining twenty pounds over the years, I'm talking a DRAMATIC weight gain (that was the OP's question, yes?), where it seems as though you've thrown in the towel and stopped caring about your appearance once you are married. If I did that, YES I would understand if my husband felt disgusted with me—meaning irritated, impatient, frustrated with my sudden lack of caring about myself and my appearance. NOT MEANING he'd find ME disgusting or have a valid reason for divorce. Seriously people?

And for the record, it's not about being generally overweight or even obese, if you were always that way and you're happy that way, GOOD FOR YOU! I'm talking about going from one thing to another—a dramatic change—in appearance and attitude.

And one more thing, why are people acting outraged at the idea that people care about looks? Is this a new concept? I think most people realize they aren't everything and lord knows they fade, but how many of you initially dated your spouse because you liked how they looked? I did! That's not a crime in my book. I thought my DH was SUPERHOT! when I first met him, I couldn't stop staring at him on our first date, but after getting to know him I found out that what was inside was even better and that's why I married him.

Message edited 10/30/2007 11:27:21 AM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Message edited 10/30/2007 11:47:52 AM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

DH and I talk about it all the time.

I gained 80 lbs with two back-to-back pregnancies. I am down 30, and still have some work to do.

He says he loves me for me, and not my weight (yes he is corny at times). I feel gross, but he said he understands that women go through a change after having kids. Cause let's face it....i will never have the body i had prior to my two babies.

He was 100 lbs heavier when we were friends and i liked him then. I wouldn't leave him if he put those pounds back on, although I would encourage him to get healthy.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

In my case:
I don't think it would be fair to let myself go. Not only for th erisk of lessening physical attraction, but becuase of the impact it has on my self esteem. I look forward to getting in shape eventually after the baby, because I want to feel proud of my body- therefore boosting my confidence and improving DHs sex life.
Of course i would never judge anyone else's relationship or appearance, but in my case, I will be proud to work hard to remain attractive for my husband and for myself. And I don't think that's vain. Marriage is hard enough- I don't want to add a preventable problem.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Not that it's not fair. . . I just wouldn't let myself go because I want to look good for myself and for my SO. When we first started dating he said Ok let's promise eachother we will stay the same. Well let me tell you he was 213 and I was 126. He is now 232 and I am 126 + or - a lb. and it's a year and two months later, lol lol.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by CaMacho

Posted by azoodie

In MY opinion, anyone that thinks DH has a RIGHT to think they are disgusting only because they have gained weight is purely and simply shallow. That is just my personal opinion based on how I feel about the topic.

I don't remember reading a post that said that, but I may have skimmed some of them and missed it.

I understand you have an opinion on this, but you called other people's opinions/feelings shallow & disgusting in your original post. I just don't think it was necessary. Sorry.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by Michi

Posted by azoodie

OMG I seriously can't believe some of the shallow responses coming out of you girls. Talk about disgusting!

I totally agree.
It really makes me sad that so many pple r hung up on looks. I would love to see how many of the pple making these statements look when they get older, and life has aged them in ways that are much harder to control.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I don't think the whole issue is about gaining or losing weight. I think it has to do with how you feel about yourself and how that perceived in your DH's eyes.

Trust me I have gained about 50lbs from when I met DH 5 years ago.
I gained about 25 of them before we even got married.
Then I gained another 12 before I got pregnant. I gained 48 lbs during the pregnancy. I lost a little over 35 lbs, with some pregancy weight still on me and my DD is almost 17 months old.

Anywho - it has nothing to do with physical looks or weight gain - it is about taking care of yourself.

My DH has never said anything about my weight. He tells me everyday I am beautiful/hot/whatever the word of the day is that day
I am the one with the problem with my weight. If I mention how upset I am, he gets mad at me.

The reason he gets mad, is because he doesn't want me to not like myself or to be unhappy.

I think if it ever got to the point were I was UNHAPPY with myself, that would change my relationship with DH, since he would think that would change I feel about myself and that I would start letting things go and not taking care of myself. And he is afraid that would change the way I feel about him.

My DH never wants me to be unhappy.
I think that if I was sitting on the couch everyday eating everything in sight, gaining weight and my health is going down the tubes he would get upset, never to the point that he doesn't love me anymore - he would try and help me to make me feel better about myself and get the help that I needed.

I hope I made sense

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by Michi

Posted by azoodie

OMG I seriously can't believe some of the shallow responses coming out of you girls. Talk about disgusting!

I totally agree.
It really makes me sad that so many pple r hung up on looks. I would love to see how many of the pple making these statements look when they get older, and life has aged them in ways that are much harder to control.

just because other posters don't agree with you, that makes them shallow? shame on you. this was an opinion post - not an "everyone agree with azoodie" post.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

i think that i feel the same it seems most of the other posters do - if i gained a ton of weight, i know that DH wouldn't leave me, but i know that he wouldn't be as attracted to me, and i wouldn't expect him to be. like it or not, physical attraction is just that - physical. so if my physical appearance wasn't attractive to him, then i know that things would change. would he stop loving me? no, of course not. same on my end - if he gained a lot of weight, i would still adore him and love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. i honestly think the only thing that would suffer would be our sex life - and i think that would enough to get him motivated to get to a healthier weight

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by Michi

Posted by azoodie

OMG I seriously can't believe some of the shallow responses coming out of you girls. Talk about disgusting!

I totally agree.
It really makes me sad that so many pple r hung up on looks. I would love to see how many of the pple making these statements look when they get older, and life has aged them in ways that are much harder to control.

just because other posters don't agree with you, that makes them shallow? shame on you. this was an opinion post - not an "everyone agree with azoodie" post.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by azoodie

Posted by headoverheels

Posted by Michi

Posted by azoodie

OMG I seriously can't believe some of the shallow responses coming out of you girls. Talk about disgusting!

I totally agree.
It really makes me sad that so many pple r hung up on looks. I would love to see how many of the pple making these statements look when they get older, and life has aged them in ways that are much harder to control.

just because other posters don't agree with you, that makes them shallow? shame on you. this was an opinion post - not an "everyone agree with azoodie" post.

Okay. I never meant that the posters were shallow, I don't even know them. I think some of the comments that have been made IN MY EYES are shallow. Why is that they can state their opinion and I can't mine???

I never asked anyone to agree with me. Just stating my own personal opinion. Why is that so wrong?? Because you or others don't agree with it?

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by headoverheels

there is a difference between stating your opinion about the weight gain debate (which you did) and commenting on the "shallow responses coming out of you girls." that, IMO, is rude and uncalled for. no one asked for your opinion on their opinions, get it? and the was uncalled for as well, and very immature.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

the problem is, your metabolism slows as you get older- so unless you work harder to keep the weight off, weight gain is typically going to happen.

If you're busy and don't have the time to spend hours in the gym or cook every meal, it makes it even harder to keep upping the workouts every year.

It becomes more and more difficult to maintain which is why i think alot of people gain weight.

As long as they are doing SOMETHING to stay healthy and trying not to let themselves go, I don't know if you can find fault in them gaining weight- you can't be mad that they're not as thin as when they were young.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

attraction is a very important part in a relationship. It can, make it or break it. Before meeting my SO, I was hanging out with a friend of mine, when I met this guy 10 yrs ago he was very attractive. Big and buff in shape. When we decided to give it a shot he gained alot of weight throughout the years I mean maybe 80 lbs heavier, so I wasn't physically attracted to him but I remembered his true self and his personality. It didn't last very long, I need that attraction.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I think it is funny that weight gain seems to translate into 'ugly' or 'unmotivated' or some variation on that theme.

I agree that if you 'let yourself go' there is a deeper problem coming from within yourself that may damage any marriage. Because a good relationship with yourself is paramount and key to having a good relationship with anyone else. I am unhappy with my weight and although I am certain that my hubby adores me and loves me and has never made me feel unattractive - I still am aware that my dissatisfaction puts a strain on our otherwise fantastic relationship.

BUT... you don't have to be 'fat' or gain a lot of weight to feel like crap. And you don't have to be overweight to let yourself go...

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

i think it is a very true reality that physical attraction plays a role in many relationships - and i don't think it shallow to say that significant weight gain (voluntarily) may negatively affect a relationship.

but, i also strongly believe that you do not marry someone unless you are ready to accept whatever life brings - including gaining 300 pounds. to really commit to someone and marry them, you are promising that you will accept him/her until the end. i don't think significant weight gain should be grounds for divorce.

Message edited 10/30/2007 12:43:38 PM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I havent read this whole thread, but Id like to agree with everyone that says marriage and love goes WAYYYYY beyond physical attraction.


If you'd be so inclined to leave your spouse because of a change in their physical appearance (weight gain), then what about if GOD FORBID one of you got into a terrible accident that changed you forever?

Is this something for a totally separate thread ?

Just a thought, Icant imagine leaving someone because they didnt "look" right..