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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by MrsS2005
Posted by Jessica
but if one of us gained lets say 100+ lbs for no reason at all (have a weight issur is another problem and not included in this) then no i would not be physically attracted to him. And attraction is a big thing in mariage, as is sex. and the main thing is, if he doesnt want to help himself and be healthy for our fututre kids, how am i expected to continue loving someone who doesnt love themselves first to try and be healthy?
This isn't directed just at you, but your post and others on this thread made me curious. Would the reason for the weight gain really matter in terms of physical attraction?
Several people stated they wouldn't be physically attracted to their spouse if they "let themselves go" and gained a lot of weight. If this physical attraction is based on looks why would the reason for the weight gain affect whether you were physically attracted to your spouse? In theory, if you base your physical attraction to someone on looks/body type and if the person no longer looks the same, you wouldn't be attracted to him/her regardless of the reason for the change.
I think the fact that the weight gain is involuntary lends itself to make people think that it is temporary.
I personally gained some weight because of a thyroid condition. not 100 pounds, but enough to bother me.
physical attraction may wane with ANY weight gain, but when the prson gaining has no care about it, then it's a problem that needs to be addressed.
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Posted 10/31/07 4:34 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by melijane
I was heavier when I first met my husband then lost about 40 lbs and have now gained back most of it. He tells me every day how "hot" he thinks I am. We have a strong emotional connection and weight has never really been an issue.
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if he asked you out at 160 pounds (I just made that up) then he LIKES you at that weight. he is ATTRACTED to you at that weight. so WHO CARES what society says.
but if you went up to 260 and did nothing about it...of course he would love you...but would YOU love you? would you feel sexy and attractive? would you put on cute outfits and be comfortable getting naked around him? and if NOT, don't you think that would affect your relationship?
that is the point.
it's a DRASTIC change that ALTERS the way you looked when he married you...if you look the same as you did the day he asked you out, why WOULDN"T he think you are hot...YOU ARE!
it doesn't seem like that has happened (and God willing it won't)
Yep. You're exactly right. That is why I said I am not happy with my weight and am working on it but for ME not for my husband.
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| Posted 10/31/07 4:45 PM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
Thru the rabbit hole!
Member since 7/06 4412 total posts
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by MrsS2005
Would the reason for the weight gain really matter in terms of physical attraction?
Several people stated they wouldn't be physically attracted to their spouse if they "let themselves go" and gained a lot of weight. If this physical attraction is based on looks why would the reason for the weight gain affect whether you were physically attracted to your spouse? In theory, if you base your physical attraction to someone on looks/body type and if the person no longer looks the same, you wouldn't be attracted to him/her regardless of the reason for the change.
I started a thread about attraction yesterday that helped me formulate my opinion on it better - attraction is not JUST about looks, although looks are PART of it. So, if my DH gained 100 pounds overnight because of a medical condition or a disfiguring car accident, although I MAY not be as attracted to his LOOKS (and maybe I would be, I have no idea, I honestly can't answer because it didn't happen), his personality would probably be affected in a way where we needed to bond and work through it. However, if he gained 100 pounds because he just stopped caring about himself or caring about trying to look good for me and be healthy for me, that would bother me. In both cases the ending looks would be the same, but the personality trait or attitude that caused it would be different.
...and to make it clear because I think some posters are confusing 2 different things, at no point EVER would his looks be a grounds for divorce or me loving him less, I just don't know how my physical attraction to him would be affected.
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| Posted 10/31/07 4:49 PM |
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azoodie
Member since 8/05 8377 total posts
Name:
Team SEXY BACK
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
we are all simple animals at heart. yes, we are evolved in most instances, but we have thousands of years of instinct.
Actually the sponge is a simple animal to be exact. So are roundworms.
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| Posted 10/31/07 4:52 PM |
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tourist
Member since 5/05 10425 total posts
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by azoodie
Posted by Ophelia
we are all simple animals at heart. yes, we are evolved in most instances, but we have thousands of years of instinct.
Actually the sponge is a simple animal to be exact. So are roundworms.
Smartypants! 
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| Posted 10/31/07 4:53 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by azoodie
Posted by Ophelia
we are all simple animals at heart. yes, we are evolved in most instances, but we have thousands of years of instinct.
Actually the sponge is a simple animal to be exact. So are roundworms.
I get it...but I don't "get" your point. unless it was just to be "funny".
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:03 PM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
I've read through some of this thread, I don't have the patience to read all of it. 
all I have to say is... I am SO HAPPY that this will never be an issue for DH and I!! 
to each his own, but our love is deeper and more meaningful than weight
eta: just want to add that IMO, if people seriously end marriages because their SO put on a few, there are many more underlying issues there.
Message edited 10/31/2007 5:09:26 PM.
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:07 PM |
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Whamtastic
LIF Adult
Member since 1/07 997 total posts
Name:
Big Fat Baby with a Blackberry
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
IMO, if people seriously end marriages because their SO put on a few, there are many more underlying issues there.
Just to be fair, I don't think I saw anyone post on here that if their SO gained weight they would leave. Some said it might change or lessen their physical attraction, but I didn't see anyone say they would end their marriage over it or stop loving their SO.
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:12 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
IMO, if people seriously end marriages because their SO put on a few, there are many more underlying issues there.
Just to be fair, I don't think I saw anyone post on here that if their SO gained weight they would leave. Some said it might change or lessen their physical attraction, but I didn't see anyone say they would end their marriage over it or stop loving their SO.
it doesn't matter.
people read whatever they want. whether it's one the screen or just what it "translates" to in their head.
yes, your love is the best love, b/c you and your dh will still love each other and be humping like rabbits if one or both of you becomes morbidly obese.
you win the "best person" prize.
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:16 PM |
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azoodie
Member since 8/05 8377 total posts
Name:
Team SEXY BACK
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by azoodie
Posted by Ophelia
we are all simple animals at heart. yes, we are evolved in most instances, but we have thousands of years of instinct.
Actually the sponge is a simple animal to be exact. So are roundworms.
I get it...but I don't "get" your point. unless it was just to be "funny".
"Hah"
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:17 PM |
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roxygrl8
......
Member since 6/06 2987 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
WELL For the record I think anyone who has to ask is it "fair" to your dh that you gained weight is kind of flucked up! JMO
I think that when you meet someone and fall in love you fall in love with everything about them....including physical appearance. A lot of spouses get comfortable in their relationships, get the ring, and let themselves blow up--for no reason other than they feel comfortable.
And no, I don't think that is fair.
I agree completely
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:24 PM |
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Superkat
More a stranger than a friend
Member since 5/06 9730 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
IMO, if people seriously end marriages because their SO put on a few, there are many more underlying issues there.
Just to be fair, I don't think I saw anyone post on here that if their SO gained weight they would leave. Some said it might change or lessen their physical attraction, but I didn't see anyone say they would end their marriage over it or stop loving their SO.
it doesn't matter.
people read whatever they want. whether it's one the screen or just what it "translates" to in their head.
yes, your love is the best love, b/c you and your dh will still love each other and be humping like rabbits if one or both of you becomes morbidly obese.
you win the "best person" prize.
 When did this become about personal attacks? Maybe we should get back to focusing on the OP question. 
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:27 PM |
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bomb-blast
bye bye
Member since 11/06 1327 total posts
Name:
Leo
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
And I'm done....
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:29 PM |
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Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Superkat
When did this become about personal attacks? Maybe we should get back to focusing on the OP question.
comments like this
to each his own, but our love is deeper and more meaningful than weight
scream "holier than thou" to me, which is a form of judgment and something I cannot stand. (this isn't the only one that smells of it either).
I have been focused on the op's question the entire time. I don't usually waiver, but thanks I guess for the tip.
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:31 PM |
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Superkat
More a stranger than a friend
Member since 5/06 9730 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
I don't usually waiver, but thanks I guess for the tip.
Anytime 
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:35 PM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
Name:
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
IMO, if people seriously end marriages because their SO put on a few, there are many more underlying issues there.
Just to be fair, I don't think I saw anyone post on here that if their SO gained weight they would leave. Some said it might change or lessen their physical attraction, but I didn't see anyone say they would end their marriage over it or stop loving their SO.
it doesn't matter.
people read whatever they want. whether it's one the screen or just what it "translates" to in their head.
yes, your love is the best love, b/c you and your dh will still love each other and be humping like rabbits if one or both of you becomes morbidly obese.
you win the "best person" prize.
jeez, all I was saying is that *IF* people really leave each other for that reason I think there is more to it than weight. I was not accusing anyone *HERE* of doing that or thinking about it
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:47 PM |
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SweetestOfPeas
J'taime Paris!
Member since 3/06 32345 total posts
Name:
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
seriously!
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| Posted 10/31/07 5:48 PM |
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Gertyrae
Peace out Homies!
Member since 5/05 20046 total posts
Name:
Gerty ®
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Ophelia
please read the OP.
it explicitly states that this is not a "deal-breaker" thing but a "would you say something" "how would you feel about it" thing.
no one said anything about not honoring the vows.
I honestly don't get it.
This is the original post....
Posted by babybug631
Do you think there is a point in a relationship, if someone dramatically changes physically, that it is unacceptable???
I stand by my original statement - No physical changes should be unacceptable.
If you are concerned for your SO's health, you are in well within your rights to say something....but it should never be considered unacceptable.
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| Posted 10/31/07 6:02 PM |
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Preguntas
it's pretty precious
Member since 1/07 3839 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by MrsS2005
Would the reason for the weight gain really matter in terms of physical attraction?
I think so. In my opinion, if this was an issue I was dealing with- I would see a 100 pound, I just don't feel like caring anymore weight gain as an insult. As in- why don't you care? I think an involuntary weight gain due to a medical issue is just that- involuntary. There's a level of understanding, because the person on the weight gain end is likely feeling helpless and unhappy about the change in their physical appearance. Whereas a lack in motivation would be a lazy gesture about how much you care about the relationship.
I am saying- in my case.
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| Posted 11/1/07 9:59 AM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Like others have said...involuntary weight gain (due to medical issues) cannot be helped.
HOWEVER..If i or my husband didn't "care" anymore and packed on 100 pounds...it would lead to all sorts of other issues that would definitely affect our marriage.
I will always always love my husband and don't ever plan on divorcing him. But if he decided to gain 100 pounds it would be because of something much much more than just wanting to indulge. I think that would be the case with anyone.
I want to be healthy for my kids and for myself and my husband feels the same way. 20 pounds? 30 pounds? Well weight gain usually comes with the years. I'll love him chubby or thin...doesn't matter. 100 pounds or more? It means something is wrong, and we would need to work on the issue at hand...
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| Posted 11/1/07 11:05 AM |
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oops123
LIF Adult
Member since 8/05 2509 total posts
Name:
michelle
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by oops123
Men can love their wives, but they are very simple animals
We must hang out in VERY different crowds. I know plenty of men who are far from simple, wanting or in relationships with complex women who challenge them, make them laugh, share their joy and sorrow and make them better people.
Yes but we are talking about physical appeareance.
THAT'S what the original post was about.
For the most part, aside from all that other stuff, our DH's were physically attracted to the woman they married.
If we gained weight or let ourselves go, of course we can still challenge them mentally and of course they are still committed to us and still love us, but chances are on a PHYSICAL level it might just bother them more than they will admit for fear of hurting their DW's feelings.
I think that according to a lot of rersponses to the OP, either many dont realize this, or else dont care if they arent the focal point of their DH's fantasies....thats ok too for some, not for me. Aside from all the reasons my DH loves me,to me it's also just as important that I can turn my DH on a purely s*xual level as well bc he thinks Im a hottie
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| Posted 11/1/07 11:38 AM |
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McSullivan
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Member since 5/05 1573 total posts
Name:
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
I think that if there is a drastic voluntary/preventable change in appearance - due to negligence, apathy, depression, etc. - it is a symptom of a larger problem and should be dealt with accordingly by the couple, together. If, however, they are unwilling to do so - to recognize the bigger problem and deal with it - and this change ALONE is the dealbreaker, then, I think that these two people should have never made a commitment of marriage to eachother in the first place. This is based on whether or not the couple married on physical beauty ALONE.
Personally, my weight fluctuates. I go up, I go down. I've had weight issues since college. I gained 30 pounds after we got married and about 40 or 50 since we met. My husband hasn't noticed. I don't know if it's because he sees me every day or what - and I'm not saying that he's better than any man that would notice. I'm just saying that he didn't notice or that is wasn't an issue for him.
After reading the study that came out regarding the link of weight and personal habits to cancer risk (http://www.dietandcancerreport.org/?p=ER)I have to say I'm a little nervous. I mean, well duh - something that we've always known, now cannot be ignored. My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer and it makes me extremely nervous. I've already had my gall bladder removed, and instinctively I know that that should have been a wake up call for me - but it wasn't - not really.
So, as an extension of the commitment that I have to myself, the commitment I made to my husband when he married me - not for aesthetic reasons, but for the ones outlined above, I'm going to live a healthier lifestyle.
Sorry, I think I went WAY off topic.
Message edited 11/1/2007 11:51:07 AM.
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| Posted 11/1/07 11:41 AM |
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lullabella
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 2246 total posts
Name:
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by maybebaby
Like others have said...involuntary weight gain (due to medical issues) cannot be helped.
HOWEVER..If i or my husband didn't "care" anymore and packed on 100 pounds...it would lead to all sorts of other issues that would definitely affect our marriage.
I will always always love my husband and don't ever plan on divorcing him. But if he decided to gain 100 pounds it would be because of something much much more than just wanting to indulge. I think that would be the case with anyone.
I want to be healthy for my kids and for myself and my husband feels the same way. 20 pounds? 30 pounds? Well weight gain usually comes with the years. I'll love him chubby or thin...doesn't matter. 100 pounds or more? It means something is wrong, and we would need to work on the issue at hand...
EXACTLY!!!!
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| Posted 11/1/07 11:52 AM |
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evenedan
Need a little sunshine
Member since 9/05 3843 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Whamtastic
Posted by SweetestOfPeas
IMO, if people seriously end marriages because their SO put on a few, there are many more underlying issues there.
Just to be fair, I don't think I saw anyone post on here that if their SO gained weight they would leave. Some said it might change or lessen their physical attraction, but I didn't see anyone say they would end their marriage over it or stop loving their SO.
It's true, nobody said they'd leave, not even close. But people read what they want to read and love to judge and criticize so they feel more comfortable with themselves.
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| Posted 11/1/07 12:10 PM |
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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
seriously !!!
I guess it is okay for some and not for others 
Message edited 11/1/2007 12:49:51 PM.
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| Posted 11/1/07 12:48 PM |
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