| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: << 2 3 4 [5] 6 7 8 >> |
GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by rojerono
BUT... you don't have to be 'fat' or gain a lot of weight to feel like crap. And you don't have to be overweight to let yourself go...
i agree!
FH gets out of work really late so before he would come over I changed into my pajamas, took off all my makeup and put my hair in a bun. So every morning I was dressing UP for the stupid people at my job but dressing DOWN for him. . .the person who was supposed to find me attractive.
I didn't realize it until one day I went to his job after work and he went on and on about how great I looked and then I realized - wow, he has only seen me in pajamas for the past three months!
So, now I make that effort to actually stay in somewhat decent clothes and maybe freshen up my make up before he comes over.
I mean, if I start getting that comfortable NOW what is going to happen AFTER we live together?? Of course, I still get comfy on some nights - but I make more of an effort to keep it together more often.
|
Posted 10/30/07 12:58 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
casey31
Mommy of 3!
Member since 5/05 2967 total posts
Name:
Mommy to two boys and a girl
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by anna
I havent read this whole thread, but Id like to agree with everyone that says marriage and love goes WAYYYYY beyond physical attraction.
If you'd be so inclined to leave your spouse because of a change in their physical appearance (weight gain), then what about if GOD FORBID one of you got into a terrible accident that changed you forever?
Is this something for a totally separate thread ?
Just a thought, Icant imagine leaving someone because they didnt "look" right.. 
i agree! I am attracted to my DH because of who he is- not because of his hair, his weight or his muscles. Sure, its a plus- but if he lost a leg or an arm or an eye in an accident would I love him less? Absolultey not! So, how could I love him less or want to be with him any less if he gained 20 lbs? 
|
| Posted 10/30/07 1:02 PM |
| |
|
smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by KittyTheStray
Posted by smdl
Will you leave DH if he starts getting bald.
I CAN ANSWER THIS ONE!!!!!
Sorry trying to add some levity 
I know but that's the whole point. I agree that look is important but things change. People change. People get burned out.
I am sure people who met me cannot imagine that I was a skinny little thing until my late 20's and was a personal trainer.
I was very much into looks when I was younger. Noone under 6 feet, 32 inch waist, 215 Lbs. Dark hair, blue eyes. Yep, they all fitted in the same mold. I even told DH I would have never dated him when I was younger.
I would not be so worried about DH gaining weight (we have both a few extra pounds) unless we have medical issue resulting from it. I would be more worried about him not being the person I married (caring, loving, my best friend, etc...) which is really why I married him. I was more "vain" in my previous relationships. I am older and know what really matters to me now.
Message edited 10/30/2007 1:31:31 PM.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 1:22 PM |
| |
|
robynfs
12/6/10!!
Member since 9/05 4947 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
IMO gaining physical weight in most cases is not the grounds for a divorce....it's ignorance and a problem with not being able to see past skin deep!
There are two people...one that gained weight...why? As long as it's not due to medical reasons there are many reasons why people will gain a large amount of weight...and a significant increase in weight can have many reasons behind it....depression, death of someone close, life change, injury so lack of activity etc. These reasons whatever they are all valid and things the significant other/ husband should be concerned with...not the physical weight gain.
If a partner chooses to only try to fix and see the weight problem and not look inside for the root of the problem...and see what's really going on then I pesonally wouldn't want to be with them anyway.
This is just my opinion...and honestly I think responses to this type of poll have a lot to do with where people come from. if you have dealt with this type of problem or have a weight issue you will be more sensitive to it than those that haven't.
Remember we all have our issues that we bring to the table when we answer these posts.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 1:33 PM |
| |
|
jellybean78
:)
Member since 8/06 13103 total posts
Name:
Mommy
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
DH & I both have gained weight since getting married. DH has fluctuated between 40-50 lbs heavier than what I met him. I'm still as attracted to him today as I was the day I met him. I've gained weight to and from what he tells me and his actions he's still attracted to me too.
Now the difference is just because we've gained weight doesn't mean we stopped taking care of ourselves. DH still gets a haircut once a week, wears nice clothes and generally tries to take care of himself. Me I still go get my eyebrows done, pedicure, manicure, make up (for the most part). Just because you gain weight doens't mean you don't have to take care of your appearance.
I have an aunt who has always been overweight but thats not the first thing people notice about her because she always dresses nice, does her make up and hair. Her and my uncle have been married for almost 30 years (happily I add). Now on the other hand I have a friend who has gained about 40 lbs since she met her DH. However she also let herself go...never does her hair, put on make up or wear clothes appropriate for her so I've heard people make comments about her appearance.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 2:04 PM |
| |
|
headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by jacquig
DH & I both have gained weight since getting married. DH has fluctuated between 40-50 lbs heavier than what I met him. I'm still as attracted to him today as I was the day I met him. I've gained weight to and from what he tells me and his actions he's still attracted to me too.
Now the difference is just because we've gained weight doesn't mean we stopped taking care of ourselves. DH still gets a haircut once a week, wears nice clothes and generally tries to take care of himself. Me I still go get my eyebrows done, pedicure, manicure, make up (for the most part). Just because you gain weight doens't mean you don't have to take care of your appearance.
I have an aunt who has always been overweight but thats not the first thing people notice about her because she always dresses nice, does her make up and hair. Her and my uncle have been married for almost 30 years (happily I add). Now on the other hand I have a friend who has gained about 40 lbs since she met her DH. However she also let herself go...never does her hair, put on make up or wear clothes appropriate for her so I've heard people make comments about her appearance.
this add to the many posters who brought up the - very good - point that often it's not how many pounds a person has gained, but whether or not they "let themselves go," that dictates how someone's SO will feel about them.
i can imagine that after i have kids, i will gain weight, and not be able to lsoe it all - and even if i do, my body will look different. my thinking is, so long as i "keep up" doing what i normally do, such as wear make-up, dress well, get manicures, etc., then DH won't really notice - whereas if i sat on the couch in sweats all day, he definintely would!
|
| Posted 10/30/07 2:19 PM |
| |
|
Brittny817
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/07 410 total posts
Name:
Brittny
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Tilde
Posted by rojerono
BUT... you don't have to be 'fat' or gain a lot of weight to feel like crap. And you don't have to be overweight to let yourself go...
i agree!
FH gets out of work really late so before he would come over I changed into my pajamas, took off all my makeup and put my hair in a bun. So every morning I was dressing UP for the stupid people at my job but dressing DOWN for him. . .the person who was supposed to find me attractive.
I didn't realize it until one day I went to his job after work and he went on and on about how great I looked and then I realized - wow, he has only seen me in pajamas for the past three months!
So, now I make that effort to actually stay in somewhat decent clothes and maybe freshen up my make up before he comes over.
I mean, if I start getting that comfortable NOW what is going to happen AFTER we live together?? Of course, I still get comfy on some nights - but I make more of an effort to keep it together more often.
BRILLIANT point! Most American's are over weight so clearly lots of people here/everywhere got married and were not exactly slim.
Lots of men and women are beautiful with some extra weight.
I make an extra effort to doll myself up over the weekends bc DH leaves before me in the morning and I am in sweats by the time he gets back. I've been feeling bad that most days he sees me looking like a bum. I try to have some cute "hang around the house clothes" to throw on.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 2:33 PM |
| |
|
lullabella
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 2246 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
The only problem I would have with weight gain is that depending on how much (50lbs+) there are health concerns and this would make me worry. Other than that I think it is a given that your weight is going to fluctuate by a few pounds.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 2:34 PM |
| |
|
Ophelia
she's baaccckkkk ;)
Member since 5/06 23378 total posts
Name:
remember, when Gulliver traveled....
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by Tilde
Posted by rojerono
BUT... you don't have to be 'fat' or gain a lot of weight to feel like crap. And you don't have to be overweight to let yourself go...
i agree!
FH gets out of work really late so before he would come over I changed into my pajamas, took off all my makeup and put my hair in a bun. So every morning I was dressing UP for the stupid people at my job but dressing DOWN for him. . .the person who was supposed to find me attractive.
I didn't realize it until one day I went to his job after work and he went on and on about how great I looked and then I realized - wow, he has only seen me in pajamas for the past three months!
.
this was me, except it took YEARS (and a lot of problems stemming from it) from me to realize that not only was I not looking my best, but I was making my boyfriend/husband think that I didn't CARE about him enough to look good.
that wasn't the case at all, but that's what he thought.
I agree Jeannie, that gaining weight isn't the only way to let yourself go..but it was pretty much the basis of the OP's question.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 3:03 PM |
| |
|
Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
I go to ONE day of training and miss all the interesting posts?!
Ok, I haven't had a chance to read all the responses, but I do have something to add.
About a year after DH and I met, I had put on about 20 or 25lbs. For my frame, it's a LOT of weight. DH approached the topic with me, and as you can imagine, it was a nightmarish conversation, with me declaring that I wasn't going to marry someone who could be so shallow.
BUT, within a few days, and MANY conversations, I understood where he was coming from. His father died when he was 13 of a heart attack. So did both of his uncles. Since that moment my DH has been overly concerned about health issues, and is almost borderline obsessive with what goes into his mouth. He reads EVERY label and avoids ANY processed/sugary foods, will only eat whole grains/whole wheat/organic products, and avoids dairy products as much as he can.
He explained to me that his concern was for my HEALTH, not my appearance. He explained that probably 20 times, but as a woman, my brain, or shall I say, my hormones, twisted what he said to mean that he didn't like how I looked, no matter how many times he reiterated that he still LOVED my appearance and me, but did not LOVE the prospect of losing me at an early age because of my eating habits.
It was a hard pill to swallow, but you know what? HE WAS RIGHT. No matter what kind of spin you want to put on it, no matter what the source or the reason, being overweight is simply NOT healthy. It is perplexing how we've deemed, as a society, that it's ok to walk up to strangers and reprimand them for smoking and issue warnings, commercials, ads, etc, all stating the same. But it's just simply TABOO to make the same kind of comment about what a person is eating, when the statistics and facts show that maintaining a diet full of processed, fatty, sugary foods can be just as, if not MORE damaging to your health.
Do I think it's a dealbreaker? No. But, I would most definitely say something to DH if his weight got out of control, not because I couldn't stand the sight of him, but because I couldn't stand the thought of losing him to a heart attack.
P.S. - after that convo we had, I started eating better, lost a lot of weight, and felt SO much better about myself.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 4:20 PM |
| |
|
DRMom
Two in Blue
Member since 5/05 20223 total posts
Name:
Melissa
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
I guess I just believe that when you are with someone, you are attracted to the package of that person. Their laugh, smile, personality, sense of humor, career, their love for you, and yes even their looks. Everything that makes up a relationship. If one of those major components changes, the relationship could change also.
I'm 37 weeks pregnant and knew that I would gain weight. But I have been working out this entire pregnancy so that after this baby is born, hopefully I can lose the weight quickly. I do it for myself and for DH.
Sooo playing Devil's advocate here: what if you became disfigured or injured. Isn't that the same thing? You "beauty" might change. Would your DH's love?
|
| Posted 10/30/07 4:37 PM |
| |
|
AimeeE2006
Time flies!
Member since 1/06 5698 total posts
Name:
Aimee
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
But let's just say for arguements sake that when you married him, you were around 130 lbs and then you gain say 30 lbs in a year, for no reason. Is that fair to him??
Fair???
|
| Posted 10/30/07 5:46 PM |
| |
|
Jax430
Hi!
Member since 5/05 18919 total posts
Name:
Jackie
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
I gained about 15-20 pounds in the first couple of years of marriage. My DH only told me to do something about it b/c I was unhappy and kept complaining about how I looked. If I was happy, he wouldn't have cared. His concern about my weight is always a reflection of my own feelings. Never once did I think about the weight gain not being "fair" to him. I needed confirmation that I was still attractive to him, but that was b/c of my own declining self esteem.
If my husband gained weight, I'd be thrilled. He's very underweight, and can't seem to gain. I keep telling him that I'll share some of mine with him!
|
| Posted 10/30/07 6:20 PM |
| |
|
nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by melijane
Posted by babybug631
I guess I just believe that when you are with someone, you are attracted to the package of that person. Their laugh, smile, personality, sense of humor, career, their love for you, and yes even their looks. Everything that makes up a relationship. If one of those major components changes, the relationship could change also.
I'm 37 weeks pregnant and knew that I would gain weight. But I have been working out this entire pregnancy so that after this baby is born, hopefully I can lose the weight quickly. I do it for myself and for DH.
Sooo playing Devil's advocate here: what if you became disfigured or injured. Isn't that the same thing? You "beauty" might change. Would your DH's love?
As I said in my post (realizing this isn't directed at me & I'm horning in), weight gain can affect your personality. If you are going to compare the two compare what a disfiguring accident could do to someone's psyche too. I knew someone who lost his leg in an accident. He's funny, sarcastic but in the end a very bitter, bitter person. I'm sure he has every right to be bitter, but I have seen it poison his relationships over the years. Women leave him because of his personality, not because of his leg.
Weight gain is, with very few exceptions, a CHOICE that is made when you eat more than your body uses.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 6:21 PM |
| |
|
june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
Posted by smdl
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
If my DH divorced me cause he didn't like the way I looked i'd be thrilled. I don't need him. I hope he married me cause he loved me.
But let's just say for arguements sake that when you married him, you were around 130 lbs and then you gain say 30 lbs in a year, for no reason. Is that fair to him??
Is it fair for him? Im sorry did he marry me cause I wore a size 6 or did he marry me cause he loves me
I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm 100% positive that if I gained 30 lbs DH would still love me. But I think I would feel bad that I didn't look close to what I looked like when I married him. If that makes sense.
When is your cutting point for trying to look the same as the day you married him? 5 years, 10 years. What about 30 years? Would it be OK then to accept you are getting older and be wrinkled? Will you resort to cosmetic surgery. Will you leave DH if he starts getting bald.
I'm not talking about aging. I'm talking about letting yourself change for the worse when you could prevent it i.e. gaining weight because of overeating and no exercise.
I fully embrace the aging process. Noone wants to look old, but it will happen and I accepted that a long time ago.
I hate to say it but it's not all about overeating ad exercise! 
Still Vain IMO of course!
|
| Posted 10/30/07 6:55 PM |
| |
|
june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by LadyMaravilla
Posted by azoodie
In MY opinion, anyone that thinks DH has a RIGHT to think they are disgusting only because they have gained weight is purely and simply shallow. That is just my personal opinion based on how I feel about the topic.
Ditto!
Double Ditto!
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:04 PM |
| |
|
june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
WELL For the record I think anyone who has to ask is it "fair" to your dh that you gained weight is kind of flucked up! JMO
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:09 PM |
| |
|
Whamtastic
LIF Adult
Member since 1/07 997 total posts
Name:
Big Fat Baby with a Blackberry
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by june262004
Posted by LadyMaravilla
Posted by azoodie
In MY opinion, anyone that thinks DH has a RIGHT to think they are disgusting only because they have gained weight is purely and simply shallow.
Ditto!
Double Ditto!
My opinion is that ANYONE has the right to think whatever they want. Do I think it's right for someone to think their spouse is disgusting for gaining weight? No, but it's their right. Would I feel good if my DH thought that about me? No, I would feel horrible. I can't imagine it coming to that, but if it did, well, that would cause problems in our marriage because of HIM, not me. But that doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to his honest feelings on the subject. If I did put on a significant amount of weight (again, we're talking 100s, not 10s), I would feel disgusted with myself and unhappy because I would have allowed it to happen and I would feel unattractive and I would feel bad that my DH had an unattractive wife.
(I'm not saying that women who are heavier than me are unattractive, but if I was that much heavier I personally would feel that I was unattractive, as I feel like my current weight is probably where I look the best.)
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:16 PM |
| |
|
munchkinbugs
My little loves!
Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
Name:
Lisa
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by june262004
Posted by babybug631
Posted by smdl
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
If my DH divorced me cause he didn't like the way I looked i'd be thrilled. I don't need him. I hope he married me cause he loved me.
But let's just say for arguements sake that when you married him, you were around 130 lbs and then you gain say 30 lbs in a year, for no reason. Is that fair to him??
Is it fair for him? Im sorry did he marry me cause I wore a size 6 or did he marry me cause he loves me
I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm 100% positive that if I gained 30 lbs DH would still love me. But I think I would feel bad that I didn't look close to what I looked like when I married him. If that makes sense.
When is your cutting point for trying to look the same as the day you married him? 5 years, 10 years. What about 30 years? Would it be OK then to accept you are getting older and be wrinkled? Will you resort to cosmetic surgery. Will you leave DH if he starts getting bald.
I'm not talking about aging. I'm talking about letting yourself change for the worse when you could prevent it i.e. gaining weight because of overeating and no exercise.
I fully embrace the aging process. Noone wants to look old, but it will happen and I accepted that a long time ago.
I hate to say it but it's not all about overeating ad exercise!
Still Vain IMO of course!
I said if the weight gain was for no reason (not for a medica reasonl, pregnancy, whatever). You simply let yourself gain weight. Of course there are other reasons for gaining weight, but I am not talking about that.
And I don't think it is vain at all. Thats JMHO.
I want to look good for DH and he wants to look good for me. Call me vain then. But I know that when my azz is done running 3 miles a day I feel good about myself, even if I'm not a size 2. Because I know that deep down I'm in good shape and will live longer because of it.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:33 PM |
| |
|
munchkinbugs
My little loves!
Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
Name:
Lisa
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by june262004
WELL For the record I think anyone who has to ask is it "fair" to your dh that you gained weight is kind of flucked up! JMO
I think that when you meet someone and fall in love you fall in love with everything about them....including physical appearance. A lot of spouses get comfortable in their relationships, get the ring, and let themselves blow up--for no reason other than they feel comfortable.
And no, I don't think that is fair.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:37 PM |
| |
|
june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
WELL For the record I think anyone who has to ask is it "fair" to your dh that you gained weight is kind of flucked up! JMO
I think that when you meet someone and fall in love you fall in love with everything about them....including physical appearance. A lot of spouses get comfortable in their relationships, get the ring, and let themselves blow up--for no reason other than they feel comfortable.
And no, I don't think that is fair.
Well then I agree to disagree
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:41 PM |
| |
|
munchkinbugs
My little loves!
Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
Name:
Lisa
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by june262004
Posted by babybug631
Posted by june262004
WELL For the record I think anyone who has to ask is it "fair" to your dh that you gained weight is kind of flucked up! JMO
I think that when you meet someone and fall in love you fall in love with everything about them....including physical appearance. A lot of spouses get comfortable in their relationships, get the ring, and let themselves blow up--for no reason other than they feel comfortable.
And no, I don't think that is fair.
Well then I agree to disagree
That's cool. 
The reason I brought this up is I have a friend that gained weight while with her ex....he left her because he wasn't attracted to her anymore (which I do not in anyway agree with).
But then she lost all the weight while she was single and look fantabulous!!! Now she has gained it again, but she is engaged. Now this guy is a GREAT GUY!! and I could never imagine him leaving her over this. He adores her.
But I question why she can get her azz in gear and look great while single, but let's herself go when in relationships??
She is a BEAUTIFUL girl inside and out!!
But I just wonder...why this cycle??
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:49 PM |
| |
|
nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by june262004
I hate to say it but it's not all about overeating ad exercise!
Still Vain IMO of course!
When you say it's not all about overeating and exercise than what is it about?
I mean, you're saying that gaining weight isn't about overeating & excercise?
Message edited 10/30/2007 7:52:15 PM.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:51 PM |
| |
|
june262004
But I love the Snow!
Member since 5/05 15379 total posts
Name:
Kristin
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by june262004
I hate to say it but it's not all about overeating ad exercise!
Still Vain IMO of course!
When you say it's not all about overeating and exercise than what is it about?
I mean, you're saying that gaining weight isn't about overeating & excercise?
No what I am saying thats not always the reason.
|
| Posted 10/30/07 7:56 PM |
| |
|
MrsRivera
2 under 2...whew!!
Member since 2/07 9876 total posts
Name:
Beth
|
Re: Weight gain/marriage debate
Posted by anna
I havent read this whole thread, but Id like to agree with everyone that says marriage and love goes WAYYYYY beyond physical attraction.
Just a thought, Icant imagine leaving someone because they didnt "look" right..
\
Completely and totally agreed. There was a post a few threads back that asked if love and physical attraction are two separate things. In my eyes, they aren't--they go hand in hand.
I understand that many people feel that significant weight gain would be grounds for divorce. But my feeling is, that kinda throws the whole "for better or for worse" thing out the window, huh?
|
| Posted 10/30/07 8:17 PM |
| |
|
| Pages: << 2 3 4 [5] 6 7 8 >> |
