Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I can easily answer this question. No need for anything hypothetical here.

I have had a weight problem my entire life. I was never skinny and probably close to around what I weigh now when I met DH. While dating DH I put on a ridiculous amount of weight and eventually weighed 285 lbs. Yes I said 285.

My DH was never ONCE unattracted by my appearance or loved me less. In fact, that's one of the reasons why I love him most, because I KNOW that he loves me unconditionally.

A year or so before we got engaged I lost 100 lbs. It was not easy but I did it. I had another 30 lbs or so to get to my goal weight - but we got married. I started grad school and the cycle began all over again.

I gained 50 lbs of it back - yes, I said 50!!!!! I am working on getting to that goal weight which I never did achieve and am down 37 lbs now.

Is it fair to DH? No. Not for asthetic reasons like you may think, but because of health. I don't want DH paying for my mistakes.

Would I tell DH something if the case was opposite? Only for health reasons. IMHO, NO ONE telling me I need to lose weight would ever motivate me. It has to come from within.

ETS: Looks come and go but what is within stays forever. I married DH for everything he is, inside and out and I love him incredibly. I definitely don't think that a change in appearance would ever alter the way I feel about DH. IMO that's what true love is.

Message edited 10/29/2007 9:07:03 PM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

For the most part, I believe women are more emotional & men are more visual. So weight gain for men isn't as big of a deal for women as it is for men. I realize that there are gray areas, but for the most part that's what I've seen.

For me, marriage isn't 100% physical - it's about much more than that. My only concern for DH (who I'm guessing has gained 75-100lbs since we were dating) is health. I can spend my time nagging him about it or I can spend my time enjoying my life with him while he's still here & hope he sees the light enough to do something about it. I chose the latter. I'm still as attracted him as I always was. So for me , how many is too many is not an issue. It's about what the weight has done to his heart more than anything else.

As someone who gained a significant amount of weight after the wedding & 2 kids, I can say that it affected my marriage. One component is what weight gain does to a person's psyche. I know I was miserable with myself. I wasn't as social. I dreaded going to parties because clothes were an issue. I was dreading of someone asking I was pregnant because I had a belly. I was depressed. I could let it go when I was with my friends but at home, I was still disgusted that I had let myself go. That alone affects a marriage. I know my DH wasn't attracted to me. So for him, it matters more. I'm not sure I would have wanted to be married to me either.

Did it kill me? Yup. I finally lost the weight - not because of him - because I was sick of being miserable & decided I can b1tch about it or do something. When I lost the weight, he made the mistake of saying "You look beautiful now." After weeks of hearing it, I finally said "You need to stop saying 'now'. I was always beautiful - you were just too shallow to see it." He got the point.

Everyone has different thresholds of what they can tolerate - from what someone can say during an argument to weight gain to cheating. Is it fair? It doesn't matter if it's fair. It's not a game of even steven, it's life.


eta. I do think if someone is repeatedly point to weight as a reason for divorce there is more to it than that.

Message edited 10/29/2007 9:27:06 PM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I have no problem saying it, I'd be PI$$ED if my DH gained a hundred pounds! Would I leave him? Not a chance. I love him for the beautiful man he is inside, not just his gorgeous exterior, but I don't know how physically attracted to him I'd still be.

And I would completely understand my DH's disgust if I morphed into something a hundred pounds heavier after we married. I know my DH loves me unconditonally and appreciates the person I am inside, but physical attraction is also an important part of a relationship. And someone who stops taking pride in their appearance and starts to let themself go is hard to feel attracted to.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

DH is a big guy and I married him that way. Attraction isnt an issue.

I used to be 115 pounds heavier than I am now and I know for a fact that DH wouldn't have dated me. He isn't attracted to big women and I do not fault him for that. I had plenty of dates and b/f's who DID find me attractive heavy. And there were plenty of men with all sorts of physical attributes that turned me off. Weight wasn't one of them.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I have lost 40 lbs since we got married, so I don't think this is an issue in my house. DH already proved his loves me fat and thin.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

When DH and I started dating I was very thin...since we got married I've gained 30lbs...moving OOS took a toll on my body.
Everyday he tells me I'm beautiful, never once has he put me down for my weight gain.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I was a little thinner than I am now when we married and then after we got married I lost about 25 lbs..that was the best shape of my life. DH loved it and so did I. I'm at my heaviest now and even though we both know I've gained we still find each other attractive. DH is at his heaviest too and sometimes that's life. We have not been paying attention to ourselves over the past few months.

We are getting back on track but DH tells me I'm beautiful, I tell him he's sexy and life goes on..we really mean it but we both would feel sexier if we were lighter.

As long as our health is not affected, we're fine with it but we need to live a little healthier for the sake of our future health.

Dh likes em with curves..I like him a little heavier than when I first met him.

Divorce over it...not a chance.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I guess I just believe that when you are with someone, you are attracted to the package of that person. Their laugh, smile, personality, sense of humor, career, their love for you, and yes even their looks. Everything that makes up a relationship. If one of those major components changes, the relationship could change also.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and knew that I would gain weight. But I have been working out this entire pregnancy so that after this baby is born, hopefully I can lose the weight quickly. I do it for myself and for DH.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

If it was affecting my DH's HEALTH then I would definitely tell him. We went to a psychic a few months back and she told him to watch out for diabetes and to make sure he doesn't gain any drastic weight so that would be my only concern.

I don't care if he goes bald, I don't care if he has love handles lol I don't care about any of that-- I just want him here with me for as long as possible and to be able to live a long, healthy life.

I mean, I would want him to look out for me in that way too- we are both careful with what we eat for Health reasons. He is a pretty broad guy and being a man- he needs to watch because of his heart, etc.

But to try and make someone lose weight or look a certain way because it affects how you feel for them- in a physical way- that's very shallow to me.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

i would never divorce my husband because he gain weight, that would very superficial of me to do.
Me and my husband have changed, i'm like a yoyo, i gain weight and i lose weight, although i still remain in an appropiate size for my height.
He has gained weight as well, but has also lost it.

We both realize that we need to keep up and don't let ourselves go, because the main thing is that we still need to have the attraction to each other.

imo something I have learned this past month, is that marriage is hard and it takes work, compromise, sacrifice but ultimately we need to love each other as individuals so that we can expect our so to love us as well.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I for one am certainly glad DH doesn't find me less attractive since I've gained weight. I weigh 30 pounds more than I did when we got married. Because of IF treatments over the last three years I've gained most of the weight and I am limited as to working out to lose the weight. It's very frustrating to me, but DH has never said he finds me less attractive because of it...he still tells me I look great "with more curves".

I agree that men are more physical than women, but I don't think it excuses a man from wanting to divorce someone cuz she gained weight. There is definitely more going on that the weight gain if he is talking divorce.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I think there are several different points at issue here...

First and foremost, I think anyone who divorced their spouse because they got 'fat' is pathetic and shallow. But to assume that there should still be the same level of physical attraction - I don't think that anyone can expect it to stay the same in all cases. I have a friend who has had this issue with her DH. He gained a LOT of weight after they got married and at times she has not felt as physically attracted to him as she did before. She still loves him and won't divorce him over it, but that's just how she feels.

On the other side of the coin is a person who was always fit - not even necessarily thin but active, took pride in their appearance - suddenly letting themselves go and becoming a couch potato, eating bon bons, not caring about their clothes or appearance AT ALL when they once did... That sends a message that the person just doesn't care anymore. If someone divorced in this situation I wouldn't look at it as someone leaving because the other got fat. I'd see it more as someone leaving because the other stopped putting 100% into their marriage.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I feel one of the keys to a successful marriage is riding out changes and challenges. The more love, honesty, compromise and security you have with each other to start off with, the easier it is when you transition to different parts of your life.

Am I the only one who loves my DH's growing potbelly? And his graying hair? It reminds me of when I was a child and dreamed about growing old with someone. To me, these are the things that happen when you get older and to pretend they aren't happening or cover them up is silly.

We aren't going to let ourselves get unhealthily obese. We are both overweight by a doctor's standards - 15 and 30 pounds. But should that increase to 50 and 75 pounds, I won't love him less and he won't love me less.

This is what happens. You can't expect at 30 or 40 to be the same person you were at 20. Our bodies just don't work that way. You can't drop weigh as quickly 10 or 20 years later. You have to work harder for it and you have decide how important that is to you and your DH.

Weight has never been something I lost sleep over. I've never been considered "thin" and never will be. But part of what my husband loves about me is that I am sure of myself. I love myself as much as I love him. I can be proud without being thin. And he can be proud of me too.

And that's all that matters to us.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by babybug631

Posted by june262004

Posted by babybug631

Posted by june262004

If my DH divorced me cause he didn't like the way I looked i'd be thrilled. I don't need him. I hope he married me cause he loved me.

But let's just say for arguements sake that when you married him, you were around 130 lbs and then you gain say 30 lbs in a year, for no reason. Is that fair to him??

Is it fair for him? Im sorry did he marry me cause I wore a size 6 or did he marry me cause he loves me

I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm 100% positive that if I gained 30 lbs DH would still love me. But I think I would feel bad that I didn't look close to what I looked like when I married him. If that makes sense.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

FH has gained probably over 50lbs since we started dating about ten years ago and you know what? I never notice it. . . I am attracted to him and I love him.

However, if I gained ten pounds he would probably think that I was heavy and not be attracted to me. Would he still love me? yes. Would he be attracted to me? no. Is that fair? nope, but its the truth.

I have always been skinny, actually too skinny before I got into my twenties (under 100 lbs) and that is what he is attracted to so that is what I will try to maintain NOT bc I think he will leave me but because I want my husband to be attracted to me AND love me. BOTH are important to me.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

I think we owe it to ourselves to remain healthy.

However, I love my DH no matter what he looks like. I just want him to be healthy. Watching my dad go through open heart surgery was eye-opening. It's not about looks to me. It's about DH and I being there for each other for the long haul. I'm more overweight than DH (he's not overweight at all), but we're both working on being healthier.

ETA - I've been heavier and lighter since I've been with my DH and he's been attracted to me the entire time.

Message edited 10/30/2007 8:22:00 AM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

My Dh is in very good shape, and takes pride in working out and staying healthy. I have always been pretty thin and have worked out for years. Just in the last year or so, I have gained 10lbs, Which I'm currently working to lose. DH still thinks I'm beautiful and tells me all the time. Now, would I let myself gain 30,40,50lbs more and expect my DH to find me just as attractive, NO WAY!! Just to clarify, I'm not talking about gaining while PG, just gaining because I'm not working out or eating right.

You have to look at it this way. If my DH wasn't so in to staying healthy, then he probably wouldn't care if I gained 50lbs, because he would be gaining weight right along with me. Since my DH is very healthy and in shape, I expect him to be unhappy when I have been pretty thin my whole life. I would feel the same way about him, if he gained 50-100lbs.

I don't think this would cause a divorce, but it might cause strain in some marriages.

Message edited 10/30/2007 9:21:11 AM.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate

Posted by smdl

Posted by babybug631

Posted by june262004

Posted by babybug631

Posted by june262004

If my DH divorced me cause he didn't like the way I looked i'd be thrilled. I don't need him. I hope he married me cause he loved me.

But let's just say for arguements sake that when you married him, you were around 130 lbs and then you gain say 30 lbs in a year, for no reason. Is that fair to him??

Is it fair for him? Im sorry did he marry me cause I wore a size 6 or did he marry me cause he loves me

I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm 100% positive that if I gained 30 lbs DH would still love me. But I think I would feel bad that I didn't look close to what I looked like when I married him. If that makes sense.

When is your cutting point for trying to look the same as the day you married him? 5 years, 10 years. What about 30 years? Would it be OK then to accept you are getting older and be wrinkled? Will you resort to cosmetic surgery. Will you leave DH if he starts getting bald.

Re: Weight gain/marriage debate