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Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
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computergirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3118 total posts
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
It's such a personal, individual experience. Just reading this thread, there are SAHMs who love it, and some that sound miserable.
I honestly feel that a lot of your happiness or unhappiness about SAH comes from your perspective on it. The women who sound miserable also seem to view their responsibilities at home as sort of "demeaning". Like you're "just" a maid or a nanny. Why have such a negative view of it? Shaping the life of a child and caring for a home is valuable work in my opinion. I look at my role now, where I feel I'm making a difference in the lives of my children and even my husband, and compare it to my old role where I was just another cog in the machine of a giant corporation, sitting in front of a computer for 10 hours a day. Most of my old coworkers have moved on to other jobs, I bet nobody even remembers me in that department. My kids will always remember our times together.
Another example of perspective making a difference-- the "what if my husband leaves me" angle. Yes, my DH could leave me and I would certainly take a financial hit (although, after we split our assets, so would he). However, I've also asked myself... what if he DOESN'T leave me? What if I spent my kids' childhoods in a defensive posture, staying at a job as a hedge against a possible divorce and missing out on everything, and we end up staying together in the end? I cannot imagine the regret that would cause me.
Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to say that everyone should be a SAHM, and I'm not saying it's all roses either! I have as many tough days at home as I did at my old job. Just saying that a lot of the experience of staying at home is what you make of it.
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Posted 3/15/12 4:38 PM  |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by yankinmanc
Posted by maybebaby
Posted by yankinmanc
Go for it. Your kids are only going to be little once, and you don't want to miss you.
You could be the kind of SAHM like I am, kid goes to daycare two mornings a week and the rest of the week I am sat on my arse in church halls drinking coffee gossiping to all the women in the neighbourhood about Katia, who just built a million dollar glass house on a main road. My husband has one expectation, a hot meal, so he gets it...at 9 pm. My other kid is in full time school, and the school run keeps me on schedule, as does the PTA Coffee morning, the stitch and *****, book group, pudding club...
But, its hard being with kids all day, and I do have lots of anxiety about not having my own money, but the lifestyle now is sooooo much better than the lifestyle we were living with two full time working parents. Being at the school gates to pick up Noah everyday is such a joy, I feel lucky to be able to do that. It might not last forever, and we don't have any money, but we are living the dream and I am living a charmed life baby. My car might not have any working windows...but thank goodness England hasn't got too many drive throughs! lol!
A bit off topic....but I may end up being a SAHM along side you someday, lol!! We have the opportunity to go to menwith England..not sure if you're familiar. We are very seriously considering it!! And i need to know more about this pudding club, lol 
Oh, I wish I could tell you about pudding club, but if I did, I would have to kill you. The first rule of Pudding Club is that you don't talk about Pudding Club. Okay, you have torture me enough!!! Its a "club" and we meet up every few months and each of us makes a cake or dessert. Its difficult to get around to tasting all of them.
Where in England are you interested in going to! Tell me more.
OH, and tomorrow, I am putting Immi in daycare so I can go out to lunch with my girlfriends to Jamie Oliver's Italian. Sounds good huh? lol!
I will FM you!!
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| Posted 3/15/12 4:40 PM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by computergirl
It's such a personal, individual experience. Just reading this thread, there are SAHMs who love it, and some that sound miserable.
I honestly feel that a lot of your happiness or unhappiness about SAH comes from your perspective on it. The women who sound miserable also seem to view their responsibilities at home as sort of "demeaning". Like you're "just" a maid or a nanny. Why have such a negative view of it? Shaping the life of a child and caring for a home is valuable work in my opinion. I look at my role now, where I feel I'm making a difference in the lives of my children and even my husband, and compare it to my old role where I was just another cog in the machine of a giant corporation, sitting in front of a computer for 10 hours a day. Most of my old coworkers have moved on to other jobs, I bet nobody even remembers me in that department. My kids will always remember our times together.
Another example of perspective making a difference-- the "what if my husband leaves me" angle. Yes, my DH could leave me and I would certainly take a financial hit (although, after we split our assets, so would he). However, I've also asked myself... what if he DOESN'T leave me? What if I spent my kids' childhoods in a defensive posture, staying at a job as a hedge against a possible divorce and missing out on everything, and we end up staying together in the end? I cannot imagine the regret that would cause me.
Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to say that everyone should be a SAHM, and I'm not saying it's all roses either! I have as many tough days at home as I did at my old job. Just saying that a lot of the experience of staying at home is what you make of it.
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!
You MUST feel that what you are doing is valuable and a rewarding thing to be a part of...
I adore being the one with my kids all day, it just was what I always wanted to do. I liked my job....but i love being home.
It also helps to know that this time of your life is just one part...I mean, at some point most SAHM's go back to work when their child(ren) and in school all day. So the time is limited and fleeting..I just cannot believe i've been home for over 5 years. Seems like NOTHING.
And yes..there are select days where I feel it can be a bit like groundhogs day. More laundry, more preparing food etc...but I would say that is less than 10% of the time. Most days I'm just happy to be able to do it. I actually get pretty sad thinking about this time ending.
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| Posted 3/15/12 4:45 PM |
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by Goobster
Same here.
While I can't imagine how hard it is to work and have children, do it all, as a SAHM most days i am ready to crack. Never having any time (other than when DD is in preschool, thank GOD for that) to even bite a sandwich or go to the store without dragging another little body along is exhausting in itself.
I am not sure what to say, other than being a SAHM for me is very very isolating. Very frustrating not having time to just "be" an individual without a litle body attached is hard and draining, physically and emotionally. I have to limit how many things I can do daily, places I can go (errands) b/c it's just so exhausting to do them with a little person who gives you a hard time about getting in the carseat every time. I stand there in the rain or in the freezing cold in parking lots just battling with my child to get in the car. So some days, I can't do more than one or two errands (bank, PO, food shopping, other shopping, taking DC to activities, etc). For ex yesterday. We went to
get something to eat, went to the bank and was going to go the playground and food shopping. I was exhausted from just getting something to eat with her and goign to the bank. Sounds crazy I know...but I just get exhausted things take TEN times the amt of time they do when you do these things solo...
I think that is the one benefit from working. Just being able to be an individual all day, go to the bathroom alone at work, eat alone at work, etc, appeals to me. However, work is usually no joy either for most of us (I recall when I worked....). But then I wonder how working moms get it all done?
I just can't stress enough, for me as a SAHM, it has been very exhausting and draining and isolating. ALl the things you describe about yourself, yourself as a working mom, I feel similar as a SAHM. Right now as I am typing I have someone pulling my neck, poking at me, pulling my earrings...talking the whole time. I love my DD immensely, but it is very very irritating to never be able to just "be" yourself alone....to have to expend so much energy each day talking, saying dont do this or that, get over here, dont walk away, clean up the mess in the house constantly, filthy kitchen all the time from eating 3 meals a day at home, etc.
I tell DH I envy that he can eat alone, use the bathroom alone, doesn't have to "police" a child all day, reprimand, give attention to, etc. Every single day, I am tired of talking....so exhausted I dont want to utter a word by the time night comes. I stay up late every night, simply to hear QUIET, have some time alone, which then backfires on me when my DD wakes up only 5 hrs after I finally feel ready to sleep.
As frustrating as it is for me, however, I dont have family who could have helped and wont use the services of a daycare or a stranger, so its my job b/c there simply isnt another option for me. Thankfully my child is in preschool now so I get some time each week and I do errands as much as I can during that time. I just find it very draining but maybe it will be an improvement for you and your situation. Only you can decide but just want to warn you that while you take away one stress, you may be adding another (or you may not, even SAHMs situation is different).
This is me EXACTLY. I have 15 month old twins. It gets harder and harder every day. I have no down time whatsoever. They are horrible napppers and sleepers. To the OP, good luck with whatever you decide. Its a tough decision. I really did not have a choice.
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| Posted 3/15/12 4:45 PM |
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KartveliT
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Member since 1/08 8363 total posts
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
I have been both WM and SAHM and it is just not easy no matter what you do.
Is there anyway maybe you can become a PTWM? start there and see what happens.
Just an idea .
GL with whatever you decide
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| Posted 3/15/12 4:47 PM |
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Kelly9904
Mommy to 2 amazing little boys
Member since 5/05 9306 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
So much of what you wrote I felt and still feels at times even as a sahm. After ds1 was born, I went back to work ft. I loved my job and had no desire to be a sahm. Then reality sunk in and I felt like I wasn't enjoying my DS BC we were always running. Errands, parties, chores etc, I felt like there was never a quiet moment. Then my dh pushed me to persue a pt position with another company. I didn't love the work but loved the balance. Then my whole team was laid off. So i have been home almost 3 years now.
Its a huge adjustment. I think until very recently I didn't realize that I needed and deserved to put an emphasis on myself. Now I go out with girlfriends 1x a month for drinks, I go to the gym 3x a week BC I love having an hour or more knowing no one is going to say mommy this or kelly that. Things like this putting myself first on occasion are why I think I am really learning to enjoy being a sahm. I have said so many times that I lost a piece of myself when I stopped working, I lost my own identity as just kelly. I became ds1&2s mom and dhs wife, that's how so many people currently in my life know me. But by starting to put me and my relationship with dh first more often I have regained more balance. I think in the last 2+ years I thought I was supposed to give 100%+ to being a mom that I lost myself.
In making the decision for you i feel like why not quit. You can get another job, maybe find something you enjoy more pt even if it means starting at the bottom. Or volunteer to find something you are passionate about. Dot stay at a job you dislike if you don't have to. Life is too short for that. And yes there is the unknown and you are a realist...so am I but sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and pray it all falls together....and in the meantime you get to give the sahm thing a try.
Personally I don't think you will regret it BC you aren't leaving a job you love...you are move forward to a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Gl
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| Posted 3/15/12 5:35 PM |
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Tine73
Member since 3/06 22093 total posts
Name:
*********
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
I have been in many different situations:
-FTWM that commuted to NYC
-FTWM on LI
-PT on LI
and now SAHM for the last 11 months. Even though my last job was not super fulfilling, I loved going to work. It took me a REALLY long time to get used to being a SAHM. A good 6-7 months to get into the groove of things. After my father passed away in December of 2010, I had too much responsibility handling and taking care of my mother and grandmother and their finances. Something had to give and I decided to resign.
As much rushing around and coordinating I did while working FT, I feel like a big disaster most days! No matter how much I try to organize and prepare, I am always rushed and not nearly as organized as I used to be. But, I am very happy being a SAHM now. I made a bunch of friends and we GTG on a fairly regular basis and I know I can count on them. Ideally, I'd love a PT gig, but my kids are gorwing up so fast, I am fine doing this right now. I do a little party planning on the side and I sell a line of kids clothes, Vintage Couture which is very fun.
Is there anyway you can take a week off and test the waters?
Good luck with your decision. I agonized over mine and I know how hard it is. 
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| Posted 3/15/12 5:55 PM |
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Hofstra26
Love to Bake!
Member since 7/06 27915 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by maybebaby
Posted by computergirl
It's such a personal, individual experience. Just reading this thread, there are SAHMs who love it, and some that sound miserable.
I honestly feel that a lot of your happiness or unhappiness about SAH comes from your perspective on it. The women who sound miserable also seem to view their responsibilities at home as sort of "demeaning". Like you're "just" a maid or a nanny. Why have such a negative view of it? Shaping the life of a child and caring for a home is valuable work in my opinion. I look at my role now, where I feel I'm making a difference in the lives of my children and even my husband, and compare it to my old role where I was just another cog in the machine of a giant corporation, sitting in front of a computer for 10 hours a day. Most of my old coworkers have moved on to other jobs, I bet nobody even remembers me in that department. My kids will always remember our times together.
Another example of perspective making a difference-- the "what if my husband leaves me" angle. Yes, my DH could leave me and I would certainly take a financial hit (although, after we split our assets, so would he). However, I've also asked myself... what if he DOESN'T leave me? What if I spent my kids' childhoods in a defensive posture, staying at a job as a hedge against a possible divorce and missing out on everything, and we end up staying together in the end? I cannot imagine the regret that would cause me.
Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to say that everyone should be a SAHM, and I'm not saying it's all roses either! I have as many tough days at home as I did at my old job. Just saying that a lot of the experience of staying at home is what you make of it.
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!
You MUST feel that what you are doing is valuable and a rewarding thing to be a part of...
I adore being the one with my kids all day, it just was what I always wanted to do. I liked my job....but i love being home.
It also helps to know that this time of your life is just one part...I mean, at some point most SAHM's go back to work when their child(ren) and in school all day. So the time is limited and fleeting..I just cannot believe i've been home for over 5 years. Seems like NOTHING.
And yes..there are select days where I feel it can be a bit like groundhogs day. More laundry, more preparing food etc...but I would say that is less than 10% of the time. Most days I'm just happy to be able to do it. I actually get pretty sad thinking about this time ending.
ITA with you both!  Your happiness as a SAHM really depends on how you approach it. I 100% feel like I am more valuable and more fulfilled as a person by being a SAHM. I am more appreciated too. I never felt that way about my job. I love my role as homemaker, mom, and wife and I try to enjoy every day as opposed to worrying about the what-if's. I have a strong relationship, a DH who appreciates my role as a mom, and a great kid. I am happy and to me, that's a pretty good life. I am just living in the moment and enjoying each day as it comes.
Like the above poster said, it's all in your attitude and perspective. Being a SAHM is what you make of it.
Message edited 3/15/2012 6:04:39 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 6:04 PM |
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charon54
My two boys!
Member since 5/05 7279 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Just some food for thought, but it's not just the what if my DH leaves me to consider. It's what happens if he loses his job (happened to my dad several times throughout his life) and what if something happens to him (my grandmother lost her husband at 50 leaving her 4 young kids to raise).
I just don't feel comfortable not having that backup.
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| Posted 3/15/12 6:25 PM |
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Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by Hofstra26
ITA with you both! Your happiness as a SAHM really depends on how you approach it.
Like the above poster said, it's all in your attitude and perspective. Being a SAHM is what you make of it.
I actually don't think it's how you approach it. There are many other factors that influence if a woman is happy being a SAHM. I know what I do is valuable but that doesn't alleviate my stress and isolation and boredom.
I think alot of it has to do with how many other social outlets you have, how many adults do you have to interact with. I don't have many since my friends and family do not live close (or work all day anyway). So that's the root of my stress with being a SAHM. Not looking for suggestions...trying to remedy this by making some friends with kids locally but it isn't easy. That's why I asked Marisa if she had others to interact with, anyone that can help once in a while (say you need to go to the dr or something, whereas at work you might be able to leave for 2 hrs to get to the dr, etc).
I think that's a big part of how we all respond differently to being a SAHM. Our situations are all very different, as are what roles we had in our place of work and careers/jobs beforehand. And maybe a little bit of it has to do with how our spouses seem to value the role we play as SAHMs.
Message edited 3/15/2012 6:30:26 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 6:26 PM |
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Hofstra26
Love to Bake!
Member since 7/06 27915 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by Goobster
Posted by Hofstra26
ITA with you both! Your happiness as a SAHM really depends on how you approach it.
Like the above poster said, it's all in your attitude and perspective. Being a SAHM is what you make of it.
I actually don't think it's how you approach it. There are many other factors that influence if a woman is happy being a SAHM. I know what I do is valuable but that doesn't alleviate my stress and isolation and boredom.
I think alot of it has to do with how many other social outlets you have, how many adults do you have to interact with. I don't have many since my friends and family do not live close (or work all day anyway). So that's the root of my stress with being a SAHM. Not looking for suggestions...trying to remedy this by making some friends with kids locally but it isn't easy. That's why I asked Marisa if she had others to interact with, anyone that can help once in a while (say you need to go to the dr or something, whereas at work you might be able to leave for 2 hrs to get to the dr, etc).
I think that's a big part of how we all respond differently to being a SAHM. Our situations are all very different, as are what roles we had in our place of work and careers/jobs beforehand. And maybe a little bit of it has to do with how our spouses seem to value the role we play as SAHMs.
I understand what you're saying and I do agree with you actually. I just meant that if your view of a SAHM is that you're going to be a slave to your house, your child, your DH and you're nothing more than a maid, cook, and chaperone you will be setting yourself up to be a little more miserable in the role. You're devaluing your role, being a SAHM is so much more. You have to be of the mindset that even though you're not working and contributing financially your role at home is still equally as valuable as that of the working spouse.
As you said, so many other things factor into one's satisfaction with being a SAHM but I do think you need to approach your new role with a positive attitude, not that every day will be all sweetness and rainbows, but you have to value your own role as a SAHM if you expect anyone else to. KWIM?
ETA - Not implying you don't feel valuable. That was just my thought process and what I was thinking about when I wrote that you need to approach it in the right way. I know some people worry about that and I think whether you're becoming a SAHM or even getting a new job it always helps to have yourself in the right frame of mind.
Message edited 3/15/2012 7:03:59 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 6:59 PM |
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LJSMommy
Love him!
Member since 10/07 3189 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by MarisaK
100% effort? Who gets that? Where? When?
- I feel like 1/4 employee, 1/4 wife, 1/4 mother and 1/4 complete and total mess !!
I could have written that portion word for word a year & a half ago. I had nothing lef tinme anymore to given to my work, my DH, my DS was sufferinf for it too.
At one point DS was in a day care for a short time & EVERY.NIGHT. for 3 weeks he cried in his sleep about no liking it & not wanting to go (he was a little over 2)  
I started to refocus on him a bit & within a few weeks I was let go from my job of 9 1/2 years. I messed up, forgot to do things...just basically was giving nothing at work.
I was unemployed for 10 months & now with my new job I find I have a better work/home life balance.
Is it possible maybe a less stressful job, closer to home would be good if you don't want to do the SAHM gig?
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| Posted 3/15/12 7:22 PM |
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Leeners
:)
Member since 5/05 4898 total posts
Name:
Eileen
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by Leeners
Posted by MarisaK
Lol - my company is on the working mother list every year !!
maybe i need to find a different one!
Get the sheet on your co then! Find out WHY they've made it - and make them adhere to it for you. They can't just put it on paper.
It's also important to remember that most companies make those lists due to concessions they make WHEN PRESSED to do so for working moms. They'll never approach you and say hey, did you know we offer xyz flexible work arrangements?
Is the sheet you're talking about just their website write up of the company? (ie: What we Love) ....or is there something more I'm not finding?
Sorry, I just realized ours is an internal document. Check your intranet files - its a big PR piece for these co's so I bet you can find something.
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| Posted 3/15/12 7:26 PM |
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maybebaby
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 6870 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by Goobster
Posted by Hofstra26
ITA with you both! Your happiness as a SAHM really depends on how you approach it.
Like the above poster said, it's all in your attitude and perspective. Being a SAHM is what you make of it.
I actually don't think it's how you approach it. There are many other factors that influence if a woman is happy being a SAHM. I know what I do is valuable but that doesn't alleviate my stress and isolation and boredom.
I think alot of it has to do with how many other social outlets you have, how many adults do you have to interact with. I don't have many since my friends and family do not live close (or work all day anyway). So that's the root of my stress with being a SAHM. Not looking for suggestions...trying to remedy this by making some friends with kids locally but it isn't easy. That's why I asked Marisa if she had others to interact with, anyone that can help once in a while (say you need to go to the dr or something, whereas at work you might be able to leave for 2 hrs to get to the dr, etc).
I think that's a big part of how we all respond differently to being a SAHM. Our situations are all very different, as are what roles we had in our place of work and careers/jobs beforehand. And maybe a little bit of it has to do with how our spouses seem to value the role we play as SAHMs.
Where do you live if you don't mind me asking?
I am in MD, I moved away from LI years back...it was hard when i first became a SAHM (my brain tends to block that out, lol).
I literally almost cried tears of happiness when I met my first friend in the area...she was also a SAHM with two little boys and from LI! It helped so so so tremendously to have her around.
If you can find any kind of a moms group, do so ASAP..to be able to do things with other moms (And dads too) while your kids play together is awesome. Seriously, there are times when even i'll call a friend and say "lets get coffee"..we take the kids to the park or mall, let them play while we get coffee and just chat. It does wonders.
I would NOT feel as happy as I do if I felt isolated. It's a terrible way to feel (i felt that way for a brief time and its awful).
The other thing i do for myself..I go to the gym every weekday. The kids go in the daycare there for an hour while i run or weight train or take a class. It's good for me, gets me out and i've met other friends through classes there.
And what I meant by how you approach it is more like if you go right into being at home feeling unhappy (thought of not feeling like you're doing something good) then it's not going to be good. But I totally understand what you're saying about everything else. It isn't always easy. I try to have a plan each day of something I do to get myself out or a project i throw myself into to keep things fresh. I'm definitely far from a picture perfect SAHM, but i try to do a lot to keep active. Recently things have been even better because the moms in my sons class all get together at the park twice a week...smack in the middle of the day, so it gets us out, by the time we're home the kids relax and i get some down time.
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| Posted 3/15/12 7:34 PM |
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Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by maybebaby
here do you live if you don't mind me asking?
I am in MD, I moved away from LI years back...it was hard when i first became a SAHM (my brain tends to block that out, lol).
I literally almost cried tears of happiness when I met my first friend in the area...she was also a SAHM with two little boys and from LI! It helped so so so tremendously to have her around.
If you can find any kind of a moms group, do so ASAP..to be able to do things with other moms (And dads too) while your kids play together is awesome. Seriously, there are times when even i'll call a friend and say "lets get coffee"..we take the kids to the park or mall, let them play while we get coffee and just chat. It does wonders.
I live on LI. For ex, in my DDs preschool class, out of 15 kids, only 3 or 4 women (including me) are SAHMs. So sometimes you never even see a parent, or get to know the parents. When I take DD to library programs, many times I meet grandparents or nannies/babysitters. So it's hard to make friends as a SAHM, when most parents work.
I am sure having social outlets definitely makes for a happier SAHM experience.
Message edited 3/19/2012 12:14:58 AM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 7:58 PM |
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Goobster
:)
Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by Hofstra26
I understand what you're saying and I do agree with you actually. I just meant that if your view of a SAHM is that you're going to be a slave to your house, your child, your DH and you're nothing more than a maid, cook, and chaperone you will be setting yourself up to be a little more miserable in the role.
I guess it feels that way when you mostly JUST do those things, with little adult or social interaction/activity, kwim? It's only so entertaining going to the park and just talkiing to your child for so long (and either no one else is even there or it's groups of people who clearly already are friends). I think that's where it just seems like Groundhogs day and feels more isolating.
And for me personally, this has nothing to do with financially contributing. That isn't a problem on my end at all. There are no issues for me re that. I have no guilt about that and my DH doesn't have any issues with it either. For me it's just boredom and isolation from interacting with adults as you would in the workplace. And just being tired of the same old cooking, cleaning, wiping butt and making food all day everyday for over 3 years now.
I think ideally PT working is the best of both worlds and my ultimate goal.
Anyway, not looking for suggestions! This is Marisa's thread after all. Sorry if this discussion hijacks your thread, Marisa! Hope maybe you can take something from our discussions.
Message edited 3/15/2012 8:23:58 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 8:02 PM |
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-Baby-Love-
LIF Infant
Member since 2/12 156 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
I really feel for you and I hope you get some relief soon! Being a Mom is so hard, period.
I am a SAHM and I have no guilt.
I feel like what I do is invaluable and I am proud of my self as a mother.
I recently read an article that PTWMs are the happiest and that is my end goal.
I do sometimes feel like my brain has turned to mush. I want to have my own life at times rather than just ___'s Mom. BUT I hands down choose being a SAHM over a FTWM. I just could not do that. I *need* to be here for my DS, I just do. I LOVE the time we have spent together and I feel like his life in enriched by having his Mom here for him so much. I do bust my ass as him Mom though, I hold myself to a certain standard and it can be tiring.
Good luck with whatever you choose and I hope you get some relief soon!!
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| Posted 3/15/12 8:13 PM |
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LotsaLuv
Us
Member since 6/10 4094 total posts
Name:
F
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Up until the day I had DD I swore I was going back to work, I never thought I could be a SAHM. I didn't want to rely on my husband for money, didn't want to not have my own life etc...
After seeing DD and staying home for a couple months, I couldn't imagine it any other way. I love it. I also met a great group of SAHM, and we meet once a week, and it is a great because we are all in the same boat, and get adult interaction.
Now that I have DD I would say try it, you can never get this time back, and if you having these feelings there is a reason, and you don't want to look back 10 years from now and wish you did it. I figured I rather look for another job if I hate staying home than regret not having this time with her and not be able to change that.
Good Luck with your decision!
Message edited 3/15/2012 8:34:22 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 8:30 PM |
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KellyNYC
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/05 650 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by computergirl
It's such a personal, individual experience. Just reading this thread, there are SAHMs who love it, and some that sound miserable.
I honestly feel that a lot of your happiness or unhappiness about SAH comes from your perspective on it. The women who sound miserable also seem to view their responsibilities at home as sort of "demeaning". Like you're "just" a maid or a nanny. Why have such a negative view of it? Shaping the life of a child and caring for a home is valuable work in my opinion. I look at my role now, where I feel I'm making a difference in the lives of my children and even my husband, and compare it to my old role where I was just another cog in the machine of a giant corporation, sitting in front of a computer for 10 hours a day. Most of my old coworkers have moved on to other jobs, I bet nobody even remembers me in that department. My kids will always remember our times together.
Another example of perspective making a difference-- the "what if my husband leaves me" angle. Yes, my DH could leave me and I would certainly take a financial hit (although, after we split our assets, so would he). However, I've also asked myself... what if he DOESN'T leave me? What if I spent my kids' childhoods in a defensive posture, staying at a job as a hedge against a possible divorce and missing out on everything, and we end up staying together in the end? I cannot imagine the regret that would cause me.
Anyway, I'm certainly not trying to say that everyone should be a SAHM, and I'm not saying it's all roses either! I have as many tough days at home as I did at my old job. Just saying that a lot of the experience of staying at home is what you make of it.
I love and agree with every word of this answer. There is so much truth to everyone's replies but only you can make this decision. Go into it with your eyes wide open, don't be ruled by fear and what ifs, and go with your gut. You'll be just fine.
Message edited 3/15/2012 8:33:24 PM.
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| Posted 3/15/12 8:32 PM |
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junebride06
love my boys!
Member since 2/08 3181 total posts
Name:
Robin
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
I say you should go for it. Your children are only little once and it's really a short amount of time before they go to school full-time at which time you can always go back full-time/part-time. Your current job is bringing you more stress than anything else and since you can afford to stay home I think you should give it a try and see how you like it.
I also worked in finance before I became a sahm, and I had gotten my masters a few years before that, and I know one day when they are in school I will go back, but for now, as hard as it may be at times and as much as I do miss that weekly paycheck, I'm much happier doing this than working in any office and missing out on these years. A big part of my happiness as a SAHM is a very supportive husband. Best of luck whatever you decide!
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| Posted 3/15/12 9:01 PM |
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Danamz
LIF Adult
Member since 6/06 1978 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by Goobster
Posted by Hofstra26
ITA with you both! Your happiness as a SAHM really depends on how you approach it.
Like the above poster said, it's all in your attitude and perspective. Being a SAHM is what you make of it.
I actually don't think it's how you approach it. There are many other factors that influence if a woman is happy being a SAHM. I know what I do is valuable but that doesn't alleviate my stress and isolation and boredom.
I think alot of it has to do with how many other social outlets you have, how many adults do you have to interact with. I don't have many since my friends and family do not live close (or work all day anyway). So that's the root of my stress with being a SAHM. Not looking for suggestions...trying to remedy this by making some friends with kids locally but it isn't easy. That's why I asked Marisa if she had others to interact with, anyone that can help once in a while (say you need to go to the dr or something, whereas at work you might be able to leave for 2 hrs to get to the dr, etc).
I think that's a big part of how we all respond differently to being a SAHM. Our situations are all very different, as are what roles we had in our place of work and careers/jobs beforehand. And maybe a little bit of it has to do with how our spouses seem to value the role we play as SAHMs.
I 100% agree!
I don't think you can say that a SAHM's happiness depends solely on her perspective.
Of course EVERYTHING we do in life would be that much better if we could all be positive about it, but now like any other "job", there are soooo many other factors that come into play that affect a person's feelings about the position they are in
Everyone's kids, DH's are not made the same.
I think one of the most important things is, like many have said, having a supportive DH.
I have seen woman lose it, become depressed because NOTHING they did at home was appreciated... they could entertain the kids all day, clean the house, cook, etc., but still be asked what they did all day, be made to feel unimportant.
You definitely NEED an outlet. You need adult interaction. You are ON all the time with the kids and it gets exhausting and sometimes very difficult to keep a positive frame of mind (esp when kids are tantruming, etc).
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| Posted 3/15/12 9:26 PM |
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JenandMikey
life is good =)
Member since 5/07 4216 total posts
Name:
We're so blessed!
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by maybebaby
YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD!
You MUST feel that what you are doing is valuable and a rewarding thing to be a part of...
I adore being the one with my kids all day, it just was what I always wanted to do. I liked my job....but i love being home.
It also helps to know that this time of your life is just one part...I mean, at some point most SAHM's go back to work when their child(ren) and in school all day. So the time is limited and fleeting..I just cannot believe i've been home for over 5 years. Seems like NOTHING.
And yes..there are select days where I feel it can be a bit like groundhogs day. More laundry, more preparing food etc...but I would say that is less than 10% of the time. Most days I'm just happy to be able to do it. I actually get pretty sad thinking about this time ending.
I totally agree....I felt like Goobster for a while and some days that feeling can appear again but mostly I keep telling myself that I have to enjoy these times good, bad or indifferent because like the above quoted poster said these days WILL end I WILL eventually go back to work some day and I KNOW I will look back on these days with my girls and I will be very sad that they are done and I know myself I will regret heavily if I didn't enjoy myself as much as possible while it was happening.....but as I said before I did feel a lot like Goobster and she's right about having friends..... "adult conversation" is sooooo necessary..... sometimes i know I'm due for hanging with a few friends when I start to get irritable and that feeling of groundhog day and I want to run screaming from the house lol .....It's also very important to get out with your kids if you choose to sah.....staying in the majority of the time will literally kill "you" slowly lol....... so find other sahms to hang out with at mommy and me"s or have playmates at each other's houses or just run errands on days when you don't have anything else to do....I also feel that if you and your husband aren't on the same page about your roles in the home, that can cause bad feelings and arguments which can lead to marital stress....marriage is a roller coaster to begin with but when you stay home it can be even more stressed.....especially if you were a very independent girl that worked since a very young age like I did, it can be difficult to not make your own money and have to do things that you cringed about when you were younger like cook and clean especially after "him" lol.....so make sure things are sorted out with your husband beforehand ......I have to say the first year was the hardest.....things have gotten much better for me since then.....I've gotten used to the routine and although stressful at times, I thoroughly have settled into my job as a sahm and for the most part I love being with my kids and I wouldn't change that even on the worst day....good luck with your choice!
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| Posted 3/15/12 9:30 PM |
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bayla
Love my two kiddos :)
Member since 8/06 7178 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
just wanted to say I really like this thread Everyone sharing good and bad to both is so nice and reminds you that their is nothing wrong with being a SAHM or working mom.
To the OP- if you can work part time, it may be a nice balance for you. It's such a personal choice and unfortunately onyl you and your DH can decide what works for you guys. I hope it all works out!
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| Posted 3/15/12 9:31 PM |
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BeachGal
LIF Adult
Member since 2/10 2827 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Have you tried to switch to a flex schedule? When I was PG I spoke to a lot of people at my firm about working PT and everyone told me it wont work out, that I would be working on my days off, etc. If there was a list of worst companies for women, my firm would be on it! I approached the top managing partner in New York who said immediately that working PT (4 days) would be no issue at all and so far it has been great! I am the only PT woman in my group and there are very few of us in NY. I think PT is more common in other states, at least in my firm! I am PG again and may go down to 3 days a week. I do not want to struggle so I will always work. It enables us to do so much, prepay the mortgage, max out 401k, save for college, save for the kiddies first cars, etc! 4 day work weeks seem to fly so if I do 3 days I will feel like I am never working!
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| Posted 3/15/12 10:00 PM |
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ME75
Member since 10/06 4563 total posts
Name:
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Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -
Posted by bayla
just wanted to say I really like this thread Everyone sharing good and bad to both is so nice and reminds you that their is nothing wrong with being a SAHM or working mom.
To the OP- if you can work part time, it may be a nice balance for you. It's such a personal choice and unfortunately onyl you and your DH can decide what works for you guys. I hope it all works out!
agree...so nice to see it not turn into a fight or debate about what is harder or not...to the OP i think the obvious thing is that you need something to change whether it is quitting or changing hours/company..i hope you are able to find peace in whatever you choose!
i am a FTWM but have summers off and work 2 seconds from home i ALWAYS am in awe of the moms who commute and have long hours. i can't imagine anything harder!
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| Posted 3/15/12 10:07 PM |
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