Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I don't recognize myself - who am I and what happened to that person who was SO sure that working FT was the best thing for me and my family?
Ohhhhhhhh, right - that person is an emotional trainwreck !
She's miserable at work, she's miserable at home, she's always frustrated and stressed out and upset - and now she's taking it out on her kids.

Confidence? What confidence? I am a shell of my former self.

Control? What's control? I used to have my sh*t together? When? Really?

Composure? What's that?

100% effort? Who gets that? Where? When?

I don't think I can do it anymore.
I can't stand the guilt - I can't stand doing a million things half assed and not being able to give anything 100% of my attention - even when I should/could be. My brain is fried, my emotional composure is shot it sh*t, I can't handle Sean being a normal 3 year old, I can't handle Colin being a normal 10 month old - I feel like 1/4 employee, 1/4 wife, 1/4 mother and 1/4 complete and total mess !!

I am tired of running, I am tired of missing things, I am tired of rushing to catch a train in to the city, to get the call that one of my kids is sick and needs me - having to call my Mom or Dad to pick up MY kid and take them to the Dr. b/c I can't get to them for at least 1.5 hours ........I'm tired of rushing home from work, thinking about getting home in time, and what kind of mood everyone will be in and sh*t I forgot to Peapod and there's no food in the house, and the dry cleaner closes at 7 and I have to pay the contractor and I have to call back the mortgage broker for the refi and I have to plan Sean and Colin's birthday parties and I have to, have to, have to ..........

NOT to say for one mili second that I think being a SAHM will be easy in ANY way, shape or form - I actually fear the opposite -

but I feel like I need to step back and make a decision to give something a concentrated effort - or I might completely lose my mind.

I feel like I just can not do a million things at once anymore. I am exhausted, I am unhappy, and Ilet's be honest, I'm not curing cancer at my job. So really? Is it worth it?

Someone tell me I'm crazy to consider this -
Someone tell me I'm crazy NOT to do it -

I want the judgement! I want the opinions! Lay it on me !!

Annnnnnnnnd I have just completely unraveled before your very eyes !

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Its awesome, and sucks all at once. But NOT working will eliminate one stressful thing. Try it.

Ds is 3, there are days i feel if I dont get away from him i may end up on the news with all you crazy b!tches saying "I knew she was nuts" then there are days its so worth it. The thing is to find a happy medium between jail, and fabulous. I work on that part daily. Its hard.

Good luck

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

OMG you are soo not crazy!!! I feel exactly the way you do.. especially doing EVERYTHING half assed!!!

If I had the option.. I would SAH!!!

Good luck to you!!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I don't think you can ever win as a mother.

I am home with my son (I am an educator so my position will be held for me which was very helpful in making the decision to take a couple years off) and I carry guilt that I am not earning and therefore we are not saving as much..so whether you work or stay home there is guilt IMO.

That said..if you can afford to why not try it? What you are doing now is not working so why not try something else?

I am not sure about your line of work or how easy it will be to get back into it if you take some time off but for me that was a consideration. We can make it financially on my salary but it is good to know that when I go back I go back to my (healthy) salary and benefits, had I worked in a field where it is hard to find work I may have made a different decision.

Good luck and try not to beat yourself up, I am sure you are doing a MUCH better job at being a mommy/wife/employee then you are giving yourself credit for

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I totally get it. It's like you feel like the clown juggling 20 pins at the circus. It is so hard. I have no time to do anything either and I half ass every single thing I do. Every aspect of my life is suffering. DS had dinner last night at 8:30 and DH and I ate at 10. Really. I used to be extremely reliable but I have turned into a total flake. I only have one so I can't imagine how you feel with 2.

You have to do what works for you. My ideal would be to work at work 3 days a week and work from home 2. That's not going to happen for me but are you able to do something like that?

I think it's really hard to acknowledge that you are falling apart when it's not in your character to do so (not you specifically, anyone). If being a SAHM will make you feel like you again, then go for it!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I just got stressed out reading that!! Is this how you feel all the time? I'm a SAHM, and I say all the time how I don't know how working moms do it! There are some days I can't even find the time to brush my teeth. Can you do it financially? I think you do really need to consider the SAHM option, if it is something you can do.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

You aren't crazy. I feel exactly the same way. I wish I could SAH- but we can't swing it financially with our large mortgage (our own fault for buying this house), debt and current lifestyle.

I have the next best thing, I suppose, being able to bring my kids to work. But it makes it even harder to give either work or the kids even close to 100%, and when I get home I'm done with both the kids and work.

It really sucks.

If you can swing it financially- definitely give it a try. Maybe you can take a leave of absence for a few months and go back if it doesn't work out.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Is working 3 or 4 days a week not possible? I have 3 kids (including a 6 month old) and work 3 days a week and, honestly, I love it. It give me the balance I need and also allows me to do doctors visits, school activities, etc. I know it is not available to everyone, especially professional women with advanced degrees.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I can't say I know exactly how you feel since I never went back to work. I left a job in the city b/c I knew I wouldn't be able to take the commute etc. It must be insane and I feel for you. If it is an option for you to SAH and you want to I don't think you are crazy at all for doing it. Sometimes something just has to give.

Have you considered seeing if your employer would be more flexible, maybe let you work from home sometimes or go to part-time?

Good luck with the decision. I know it's not an easy one to make and no matter what you decide you will probably always question whether or not it was the right one. I know I do.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I'm in finance - which is part of the reason why I have stayed. B/c I know leaving means leaving. You don't take 5 years off to be a mom in the finance field and come back - at least not without MAJOR claws. And while I make great money and have a good position, I'm not high up enough to have the connections I would need.

- Cue scared as sh*t Marisa.

We CAN do it financially, but I already have anxiety about not contributing financially, and being in a very vulnerable financial position to DH - No one PLANS on their husband picking up and leaving them KWIM? And I know it's morbid to think that way, but I think I'd be stupid and niave not to consider it as a possibility -

I am so torn. My job is not fulfilling in any way other than the money and benefits and the fact that I am not completely dependent on my husband ........so at 33 years old I'm kind of like, is it really worth killing myself over?

I just know that once I walk, that's it. Getting back into the game would be a total career change, or just a PT job to pick up extra money.

Unfortunately, working PT in the city just isn't worth it. And working from home isn't an option with my management.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Could you work part time? If I remember correctly, you also have a bit of a commute.

I was surprised my old boss in Manhattan let me drop down to 4 days a week.

We moved to the DC area and I found a job that allows me to work 30-35 hours per week. I basically do full time work but I am super diligent when I'm at work. I also have a 10 minute commute. I didn't even bother applying for jobs that I knew would be 30+ minutes for commute.

Sometimes I wish I had more time off, especially on gorgeous spring days like this week. DH reminds me that I should be grateful for what I have. I can do 1 playdate per week, leave early once a week and go to the park and run errands with no questions asked.

Message edited 3/15/2012 10:56:04 AM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Just sent you FM

If you can do it then go ahead.

I wish I could. Like the PP said... we bought ourselves a big house and worknig on paying the mortgage in less than 13 years.
I also have the benefits.
It's tough WFT and being a parent of 2. Especially 2 LO's that need a lot of care.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

That's the other thing - I carry the benefits. Not that DH couldn't, his are just SO freakin' expensive !!
I also pay the life insurance policies and a considerable amount of other crap directly from my paycheck before it even hits our account ...........

more guilt, and doubt.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

You sound like me, except that I am currently a SAHM who WANTS to go back to work!

In the beginning it was great...just me and dd, going to play groups etc. My older DS is in school.

Then came DD2 and of course it got harder, no time for play groups...I am now pregnant again and wow! Some days I don't think I can do it for much longer... could be the hormones.

I swear though, I start feeling resentful that DH gets to go to work, come home and relax/play with the kids a little, while I am still dealing with the kids' stuff, picking up the mess from the day. Oh and the house is ALWAYS a mess with us here.

Neither situation is perfect and everyone's is obviously different.

I worked for a while after I had DD1 and for me THAT was much easier, and I felt more calm when at home.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I only work PT weekends. I might as well be considered a SAHM bc I REALLY don't work much at all. We are struggling financially and some days I feel like I may lose my mind.

I had this vision in my head of what I'd be like as a SAHM... DH would walk in from work and dinner would be cooked, house would sparkle, I'd be in a wonderful mood and have time to actually put some effort into looking good for DH and myself. BOY was I WRONG! but somehow...it's ok!

My husband is incredibly supportive. He was the one who pressed me to quit my job. My house isn't always clean...but now that DH sees how well my son is developing and learning he couldn't care less! I clean when he comes home. He tells me often what a great job I'm doing with our son.

I've made the crock pot my best friend so at least I've got the dinner part down. The money part...well...we're working on it. DH is adamant that there is ALOT of OT coming his way and "We will be fine! things are going to turn around real soon" and so we stick it out. Honestly...I'd rather have to move into a cardboard box if it meant being able to raise my son and spend time with him. They grow SO FAST and this time at home with them in the grand scheme of life is just a speck in time. It doesn't have to mean forever.

I'm not saying EVERYONE should be a SAHM...it's not for everyone. But from the sound of it...I think it may be good to take some time off to be with your kids.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I was fine with the first guy -

this second guy has pushed me over the edge !

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I'm in a slightly different situation b/c I can take an extended leave and still come back to my job. (I've taken almost two years off). But I was surprised that I'd even want that. I busted my a$$ to get my job and do it well. And then DD was born, and none of it mattered anymore. She needed me, and I needed to be with her. Money is tight and life is very different, but I don't care. I've never regretted a day of it.

At work you get scheduled breaks and a lunch hour. Not so much as a SAHM. I miss adult conversations, but I've met a nice group of moms through LIF and FB, so that helps. I write for an online mommy magazine to keep my brain engaged. Overall I think I'm a better wife and mom because I'm home. It's not for everyone, but it sounds like it might be a good move for you. If you can afford to quit your job and not starve to death or lose your house, do it. There will always be other jobs, but your boys will never be this little again.

Message edited 3/15/2012 11:00:26 AM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I feel the exact same way except I don't really feel guilty because I really have no choice but to work (we are on my insurance and I have credit card debt that I have to pay off).

If staying at home is an option for you, you should consider it!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I often feel the way that you do.

Have you considered trying to find a job closer to home? Can you imagine what it would be like to have those 2-3 hours of commuting back? Unless you just have a burning desire to be a SAHM, I would see if changing my schedule does.

While I know my life is hectic and I'm always juggling a bunch of things, I can say that I wouldn't have it any other way. My kids are happy/well-adjusted, I have a great support system and I love what I do. Even though I travel 1-2 times a month, I have a great work/life balance and a boss who allows me to maintain a flexible schedule. Now that the kids are in school being working mom is much easier.

It's tough decision to make because you want to give your best to all of your responsibilities. Good luck deciding what's best for you and your family. Whatever choice you decide will be the right one...just know you're not alone.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Although I know that post was emotionally charged, I must say...I enjoyed reading it! Just because you put into words what so many of us feel. It's SOOOO hard to juggle everything and want to be the best at everything. It's just not possible. But I know for me, I need a balance between being a mommy, a wife, an employee etc. And you bet some days I'm a much better employee than mommy...and wife, well he takes what he can get. lol. Kidding. Sorta.

Is there anyway you could work part time? Or telecommute 1-2 days a week? At least then you don't have to commute 5 days a week. I seriously considered staying home after DD and I know I will again after this comes. But I know they will be in school FT one day and I don't want to lose the position I have worked very hard for. And believe me...I am not curing cancer at my job either! So I came back part time (Mon-Thurs) and we moved closer to our jobs to cut down on the commute (I know that's not an option for everyone). Is it perfect...heck no. Are there days I cry walking to the subway b/c our nanny had to declaw DD from me as I was leaving. Yes. So so hard. BUT I still have breakfast and dinner with DD every day, we have Fri-Sun together and ya know what...some Monday mornings I practically SKIP to the subway anticipating a day of adult interaction! Maybe you could find an alternate work schedule to help with the balance?

You're not alone!

Message edited 3/15/2012 11:12:17 AM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Posted by ko123
But I know they will be in school FT one day and I don't want to lose the position I have worked very hard for. And believe me...I am not curing cancer at my job either! You're not alone!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

could you take a LOA to test it out

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I know what you mean...and I only had one while I was working FT. Like you, I felt like each part of me was functioning at half-capacity. I wasn't being the best teacher I could be. When I came home from work, the LAST thing I wanted to do was to hang out with DD...isn't that sad? And then I had to do all that stuff around the house that I let languish after she went to bed, plus packing up her bag for the next day...you know the drill.

So, long story short, I've been at home for going on 5 years. I hated that too for a good year and a half. And now I love it...well, enjoy it.

Some days I look at the clock and wonder what period I'd be teaching and what book we'd be reading; other days--most days, really--I take a walk around the park with my toddler and thank God that I have this opportunity to enjoy THIS day in his life...a day I can do whatever I want us to do.

I can take my DC to the doctor during the day and wait for five minutes, unlike five years ago when I'd have to go during the evening and wait an hour with all the other riff-raff, sweating bullets the whole time while my DD continuously made a break for it out the door... I can be the one to pick my DDs up from school. I can go food-shopping on Mondays at 9:30am and put the food away while DS naps!

I'm also on a first-name basis with the local liquor store owner...so you know, it's not all sunshine and roses. Nothing is, though.

We can't tell you what you should do and I'm not going to try (although I feel your mind is made up...), but that's my story.

Good luck with your decision!!!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

if you can swing it financially I say go for it. i would love nothing more than to be home with DS for a few years but we can't financially so if you have the option, give it a try. reading your initial post felt like I was reading my story, only I have just one child I couldn't imagine another child. I feel like I can't give 100% of me to anything either.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

What about moving to another company that may have better flex benefits (Job Share/WAH)?

For me, it's all about the work/life balance that keeps me together.
Knowing that I can work from home if I need to is HUGE. Having a boss that's compassionate about me needing to leave at 1 to do something w/ my kids make working FT so much easier.

Message edited 3/15/2012 11:30:43 AM.