Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

My two cents............if you can swing it financially, leave your job.

My feeling is this. There will ALWAYS be a job somewhere out there in some capacity. You can always get a job in some form, it's just a job. However, you will NEVER get back those years with your kids. You can't re-do the year they were 3 or go back and see them in the school play that you missed. KWIM? I feel like the moments and the memories with your children are FAR more important than killing yourself at a job every day..............especially if you're unhappy at that job.

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being a working mom and I am well aware some people have to work and some people just love their careers and that's all fine. BUT when someone is conflicted about choosing one over the other...............I will ALWAYS say to choose children before work. No question.

I love being a SAHM but I would be lying if I said the adjustment financially was easy. It was hard giving up my income and we struggled initially but now we're doing well and even though it was hard in the beginning I wouldn't change a thing. These past 3.5 years have been the BEST!

I LOVE that my time is my own. I love that I'm able to spend time with my DD every day just playing and hanging out. I love that I can get all my errands done every day. I love that my house is clean and organized because I'm around to take care of it like I like. I love that if I'm tired one day, I can be a vegetable on the couch while my DD naps. I love being able to make dinner for my family. I just love being home and doing what I want all the time.

Most of all, I REALLY love not having the stress of commuting over 3 hours every day, dealing with a principal I hated, and dealing with the stress of everything that goes along with teaching. I don't miss working AT ALL. I am happy, stress free, and content. And I get to to be with my DD all the time and not ever miss a thing. To me, that's priceless. And WAY better than any paycheck ever was.

I understand being a SAHM isn't for everyone but for me, it's the BEST thing in the world. I'm happy and SO thankful that my DH does well enough for me to be able to be home because it's all I ever really wanted to do. I loved that my mom was home with me and my siblings when we were kids and I wanted to be able to do the same when I had children of my own.

So like I said, if you can swing it financially and it's something you think you really want then I say go for it!! It's a personal decision and only you know what is best for you and your family so lots of luck with your decision!!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I think you need to do what is right for you. And if you can financially stay home and want to give it a shot then you should.

There is no right or wrong just what is right for you. And whats the absolute worst that can happen. You realize you want to work and you go back to working.

I say give it a shot. I am a FTWM and want to stay that way but would never tell someone that how I feel is right for them. We are all different and it sounds like you will love beign home and will bring the calm you are searchign for.....not necessarily calm inthe day to day activities but an inner calm.

Good Luck.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I never wanted to ba SAHM. I wanted to be a PTWM, and ended up a FTWM. I HATED it. I hated the enviroment I was in and I hated feeling like everything was only sorta getting done. The straw that broke it for me was missing Christmas Morning/My Daughters 1st Birthda My supervisor said she would cover me and then on CHRISTMAS EVE said nope I can't. Urghhhhhh. I missed her 1st word, her 1st time saying Mama, her 1st Easter, her 1st Birthday. I can't ever get those back and while my job was indeed helpful and I am proud of what I did I can honestly say at the end of my life my regret will be missing those 1sts not taking another call at work. I know people say they'll be in school and then what, but *for me* I can't wait! I plan to be the PTA mom, the bake sale mom, the field trip mom and so on. I WANT to be that mom. The one who is a frazzled mess because she is doing carpool, dance lessons, baseball practice and so on. It's not for everybody and I do miss working. I miss the woman I was in the respect of I used to not smell like dried milk, poop, and grilled cheese I miss wearing clothes that weren't stained with butt paste, and baby vomit, I miss wearing makeup everyday, I miss doing my hair, but I ODN"T miss HAVING to do those things. Could you take some FMLA for 12wks to see if being a SAHM is really what you want to do?

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

i have to keep saying this (i work two jobs) you only get one life as we know it. ONE - what do you choose to do with it?

If you get great joy working then find a solution that will work - closer job even if its less money or flexible job, PT job, etc or is it to be a SAHM. When i close my eyes I know what I would love to do but financially its not what I can do and I have no children yet.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

This was me exactly when I went back to work after DS was born. I live in PA..i was commuting 4hrs a day to my job in NYC. I had been doing that before DS arrived and was barely making it. THen DS and daycare, etc. made my morning routine that much longer.

I was out of the house 12-13hrs a day; my mom had dS two of those days, he was in daycare the other 3. I felt like I didnt know myself anymore. I wasnt productive at work..whether i was late or exhausted from the train ride in, too busy worried about DS being 2hrs a way, then coming home having to make dinner, get my shit together for the next day, etc. etc. I also have a side business which I had to just neglect for a while b/c I couldnt mentally deal. like you, I felt like I wasnt giving 100% to anything.

I found a part time job 5 min from my home. and while its not challenging by any means, and the office I work in as as old as Levittown, PA (where i live..) Its a good balance. 2 days a week im with DS, 3 days I work. I still have my side business which helps make up for the income I lost working full time.

Financially, its been a struggle, but getting better. and I felt human again.

if you find you are ready to have a breakdown and can swing being home, then I would really consider it. or working part time/freelance, etc.

whether you're a SAHM, Pt/SAHM, FTWM..being a mom is a hard job no matter what.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

tyr it on. see how it fits.

If I could SAH you guys would never even know who I was.

If you have to dedicate yourself fully to ONE thing in life for one period of time, who better than your children?

it will be a tremendous change and I can bet there will be times when you miss work, but I always feel like that is a regret at the end of the day, we can live with. regretting not being there for our family, that is something that to me stays with you.

I could not and would not do a job that didn't allow me to be with my son mentally most of the day. my job is honestly beneath my brain power, my skill set, and the efforts that I can give. but the pay is worth it to me to stay. it would not be worth it to me if I didn't have a constant and clear bead on my home life.

you are a go getter. the world will be here waiting for you when you step back into it. enjoy your time in the swinging from the rafters with those boys.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I only have one DD and we financially could not afford for me to be a SAHM but I know that if I was so stressed on a daily basis and I felt that I was suffering because of my responsibilities I would try to find an alternative. In a perfect world I would love to work 3 days a week but it's just not a possibility in my job. Even though I do love my job I did consider finding something else to be closer to home but it would not be worth losing my pension and stock awards that I have built up at my current job. Would you be losing beneifts like that also?

Really, if you don't love what you do, you can afford not to earn your current salary, why not look for somethng p/t closer to home? Could you perhaps work as a consultant from home? That way if, God forbid, you need the income for any reason, you are more secure.

ETA: Some of my SAHM are very creative with how they make money and keep themselves occupied. One does little focus groups in the evening trying out new products and it gets her out of the house and makes some extra $. Another runs a "breakfast club" for Moms who have to leave for work before their kids leave for school and she takes 2 kids 3 times a week after school for a few hours. Her kids have a great time playing with their new friends and she actually gets time to catch up on email, etc.

Message edited 3/15/2012 12:20:41 PM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

You just wrote a post about the last five years of my life.

Do it, just quit. You will be much happier.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

If I could financially afford to quit my job I would have said "later" yesterday!

I get more and more depressed seeing my mom raise my DS Monday-Friday

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Posted by greenybeans

You just wrote a post about the last five years of my life.

Do it, just quit. You will be much happier.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I lost my job very unexpectedly in a lay off last summer and for the past 7 months have become a SAHM.

I always wondered if I should be staying home when I was working. This gave me an opportunity to give it a try and for that I am forever grateful. Everything happens for a reason.

It is a very different experience from being a FTWM, I can't advocate for either, I am just going to give my two cents.

Staying at home is great in the sense that the stress for me was gone. I am in sales, so I am in the field 9-5 and then have emails, expense reports and all kinds of other things to do at night for work as well. I didn't miss the deadlines, the worry. What you wrote about not giving anything 100% of your focus, was me exactly. It drove me nuts.

I love that I have been able to take my girls to the beach, park, aquarium, my mom's, play dates, and just basically anywhere anytime. I am on no real schedule and it is a lovely feeling.

But sometimes the days are long, my DH works in the city and he is out for 12-14 hours a day. He also attends a lot of work events in the evenings so he is out of the house a lot. I get some help, but not a ton so it can be very exhausting. Taking care of the house and laundry and dinner, while I normally love to do most of this, it gets mundane to day after day.

In the long run I have come to realize that I miss work. I love love love my kids, but I miss my relationships and my crazy schedule. I think I am just a person that works better when I have too much on my plate rather than too little. (SAHM, this is not a knock, just how I view my life.)

I am going back to work on 4/1. This has been a great experience to be home, but in the long run. I think I am happier a working mom.

If you can give it a try, see if you like it. I think it really is only a decision you can make for yourself.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I would take some time to make this decision. I've done it all. Worked FT from an office, SAH(from when my kids were 13 mos until they were just over 2) and work at home FT.

I love what I do now best. If my kids are sick, get hurt or need me, I just go downstairs. If I need to take my children to the Dr, I do it. I make good money, I do have to work some weekends, but that is the nature of my job and I am in the process of training a team to take over that. I would give yourself a deadline and take a couple of vacation days here and there. test the waters. Also look into something PT or WAH where you can use your skills. Good luck

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I felt exactly like you do. I was doing my clinical internship at NYU hospital and had a newborn and I remember walking into a supervisor's office (not my direct supervisor but a mom of 2) and asking her how she did it. And then breaking down and saying "I'm not a good intern, not a good wife, and definitely not a good mother." I had so much to do and so much on my mind that nothing was getting enough of me and ultimately I was doing a "bad" job in every area. I was ALWAYS rushing to catch a train, sometimes running across town to Penn bc the bus was so slow and I'd never catch my train. Crying, coming home to find DH (who always left work on time) holding my DS in his PJ"s, ready for bed.

I was bound by a contract and couldn't leave until a pre-determined date so I just survived. But I knew once internship was over, that i NEEDED to be home with my son.

I've been home now for almost 18 months. I find being a SAHM very difficult. EVen though I wanted to be one, it's not exactly for me if that makes sense. I plan to return to work eventually (sooner rather than later, very soon actually) but I feel better prepared, emotionally and mentally. I was all about my career before and I feel that when returning to work, I won't be the same, and that alone will help me better handle not being able to give my job 100%. Being a SAHM has helped me put things into perspective (although I still sometimes dream of going after that "dream job", the one I envisioned for myself before having my son) and as such, I know that I am no longer ok with giving my son only a small part of me. I think it's always a challenge, just a different kind.

There is no easy answer. I went to grad school for 5 yrs and took out 100K in loans to follow my dream only to find that once my son was born, what once seemed so important, no longer was. It's a hard realization, and is not all or none, the old me is still in there, occassionally fighting to get out.

From your post it sounded to me like you want to stay home. It's scary but so are most big changes. Try it out. But be prepared to try it for more than just a couple of months bc it is an adjustment. Try for a year and then re-evaluate. GL!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

How you're feeling right now is the reason that I didn't go back to my NYC job after my maternity leave—a job I really enjoyed (for the most part). Some days I'm ashamed that I didn't even give it a try. But I left before 8 am and got home at 8 pm (on a good night). Late nights and work events were the norm and so rushing out the door at 6 would be tough, if not frowned upon. Once my daughter arrived, I just knew I couldn't hack it.

I decided to stay at home, but go freelance with my work. I'm busier than I anticipated. My days can get crazy and I complain about having to do work at night, but being able to see (and enjoy) my DD and keep my mind engaged—and the door open should I decide to return—has been a blessing.

I don't know what you do for a living, but maybe a little side work (on your terms) is in an option for you? For me, it wasn't about the money (though it helps). We were prepared to make the necessary sacrifices to allow me to be a SAHM, but I felt like I needed to do something else.

Message edited 3/15/2012 1:27:24 PM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

im kind of in this situation now. i only have 1 DS but DH has 2 boys and we just got custody of them so now we have 3 kids living with us. The cost for morning and aftercare from school is $700 a month plus the babysitter we pay for my DS. we're trying to figure out if its better for me to just stay home.

i outlined all possible situations we can do and outlined all expenses to see fi its really worth it for me to quit and if it would really alleviate any stress.

i think you should weigh out all options and see fi any of them relieve your stress/nerves etc.
if you SAH and want to return to work, sure you might not get your ideal position but you may surprise yourself and find something more enjoyable that you can put your background too.
its a huge decision that i think shouldnt be taken lightly. no one can really help you which stinks and neither answer is right or wrong. the only thing i can really think of is go with the decision that doesnt leave your nerves unsettled

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

If you can, see if you can take an extended leave. Even if it's unpaid, to try things out. You may find that you just need a few months to get back on track and feel like you're in better control. If after a few months you cannot fathom going back, then you don't. My advice would be to go with your gut. Things have a way of working out how they're supposed to. It's scary as hell to make a change of any kind but you won't know if it's the right thing unless you try it out. How did you feel at the end of your maternity leaves? Did you feel like you could not wait to get back to work or would you have been perfectly happy staying home?

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Message edited 3/15/2012 2:24:46 PM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I do not think you're crazy for feeling like this. I think this is something MANY- if not all mothers- feel.
Im a SAHM currently (only for one year and will be going back in September). I already cry sometimes at night thinking of going back to work. I know it's going to be crazy stressful and exactly how you described. I want to be able to stay home and give 100% of my time to my daughter.

Even now, as a SAHM, I feel soooo busy some days and I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions, but I know it's going to be 10x worse when I'm back at work.

I think if you guys can work it out financially, you should do it. If it doesn't work out well, you could always go back to work, yaknow? Talk to your husband. Make a budget and go for it!

I wish with all my heart that we could afford for me to stay home until she's 3 and in school, but we will never get a house that way. It depresses me so much :( So I totally get how you're feeling.

GO FOR IT!!!

Good luck!

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Posted by JennZ

Its awesome, and sucks all at once. But NOT working will eliminate one stressful thing. Try it.

Ds is 3, there are days i feel if I dont get away from him i may end up on the news with all you crazy b!tches saying "I knew she was nuts" then there are days its so worth it. The thing is to find a happy medium between jail, and fabulous. I work on that part daily. Its hard.

Good luck

Message edited 3/19/2012 12:10:27 AM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I find that I am more relaxed that I am home. I seriously don't understand how FWM say they can never stay home because of the social aspects of it or fear that dh will leave. If you can swing it financially, I say DO IT!!! I have more of a social life now then I ever did, and well, we take risks in life everyday...my dh ever leaving me is a risk and I am willing to take that risk to stay home with two of the most important parts of my life.

I look at it this way.... Down the road I will never say to myself or anyone..I wish I worked more...but I may say I wish I had more time with my babies when they were young.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

If you could make it work, go for it and quit.

I wish I had that option. That's why I keep playing mega millions.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

Message edited 3/19/2012 12:11:34 AM.

Re: Seriously Considering the SAHM Thing -

I got freaked out even reading that!! My hat is off to any mother that can do that for even a day...

If you try it for a while and dont want to stay home anymore can you get your job back? I say give it a shot ..