Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

Sorry to crash but I have a question that I think can best be answered here!

I've seen a lot of posts from people complaining about family members taking no interest or making no effort with their kids, particularly when the family lives far away. Well, I'm sort of on the opposite end of that with my issue. My brother and SIL just had their first baby this weekend, the first baby in the family! I am very, very close with my siblings but they all live in Toronto (I have an older brother, the one who just had the baby, and a younger sister). I am the only one not in Toronto. I want to be involved totally, and want to see the baby and send things etc. all the time! But I also don't want to impose, or overwhelm them, or annoy them etc. I have face-timed in to see the baby once, and my dad and sister (and brother when he has a chance) are sending me pics every day. DH and I are flying out there this weekend to meet him, and will probably go back for Thanksgiving too. I just don't want to miss out on anything (the baby growing up, getting bigger, starting to interact) because I'm so far away!

I guess my question is - how much is TOO much? Do you have any suggestions for how I can feel involved (and let them know I want to be involved) without over-stepping?

Thanks!

Re: Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

I don't think ther's really too much bc it depends on the parent. If you are so close with them then I'm sure they'd love to hear from you and see you lots. What about skype?
I always do the monthly pics and send them out on snapfish and share with the family. They usually print the pics I send out.
Ask them if your overstepping. I'm sure they'll. Honest with you, but as family... I'm sure they'll want you as involved as you can be. Sounds like you're going to be a great aunt.

Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

Coming from someone whose in-laws are not involved, I think you're doing just fine. It's hard when you're not close by, but just SHOWING an interest is what counts. Obviously you can't be there every week, but them knowing that you would love to be is what is important.

ETA: My Dad Facetimes with my DD everyday after she eats dinner. He also sees her every week. It's not too much to me because they're quick calls and I know how important she is to him. It really depends on the type of people your brother and SIL are and what kind of relationship you have. Since you mentioned you're close, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Message edited 10/16/2012 8:44:08 AM.

Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

I think you'll feel much better once you get your hands on that baby this weekend! My SIL wasn't able to visit for a few weeks which was hard for her. We skyped once or twice so she could see the baby but to be honest it was hard. I was nursing and she was really busy so we would try to coordinate a time and then the baby would be feeding. We were more than happy to try though since I wanted her to not be left out.

On the other hand, my sister was able to be here the first few weeks and then returned home to CO after that. Pretty much whenever we talk on the phone, if the baby's up and fed we'll hang up and do skype instead. Once DD got to be a few months old it got much easier since she's up longer. My sister has seen her sit up, roll over, blow raspberries, laugh, you name it.

I guess my advice is, be patient in the beginning. I'm sure your brother knows 100% that you wish you were there right now. As they get settled, I'm sure you'll figure out a way to stay involved. Most of all, congrats!

Re: Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

LOL at least you’re asking.

Me, I just dived right in. My nephew was born 11yrs ago. OMG it was the best ever. I only have my brother so it’s just us two. I have adopted brothers and sister but they are much younger so this was a big deal. My father’s first grandchild. We took trips to Iowa once a year (if not twice) to see him. I showered him with gifts and love whenever I saw him. It hurt that he’d forget me but thankfully within a day or so it was “Aunt Ronica” this and that. I took him to the Veggie Tales live show at 2 and let him buy just about one of EVERYTHING in the sale case. There was no limits. I didn’t get overly push with holding him or babying him (if he fell, I referred to his mother’s response first instead of rushing in). I loved on that poor kiddo to death! LOL

Then they got divorced and I saw less and less of him.


What hurt the most is my Dad is in their same town and this punk kid (I blame the mom) is so freaking stupid and rural he just NOW realized that my father ‘grandpa’ was actually his father’s father. Who did you think he was? "I don't know, Mom said I had to call him grandpa" oh for the love of god!

As far as he and I go? We aren’t as close as we used to be. I can’t relate to bad backyard wrestling, bad English, sitting around eating fatty foods like a sport, sleeping in as long as you can or ignoring everything so you can play on your DS. I miss the kiddo who liked to run in the park, dance in the living room to my brother’s music and sit and watch Star Wars with me while noshing on Watermelon.

My advice, pour that love on.
Enjoy it!

Re: Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

It depends on the parent, but a baby can never have too much love. I'm sure you're going to be an amazing aunt. Just keep in mind a few things:

Your brother and SIL are going to be really busy (and exhausted), esp in the early days. If they don't answer your texts/calls/requests to skype, please don't take it personally. It's just a hard adjustment.

When you're there this weekend, make yourself available to do things in addition to holding and playing with the baby. Offer to cook a meal or get take out, throw in a load of laundry, run an errand. It's a HUGE help and will be deeply appreciated.

Later, call a cell phone or send a text when you want to talk to them during the day. (My SIL invariably called my house whenever I'd just put DD down for a nap. Phone would ring, wake DD, she'd refuse to go back down, and the rest of my day was shot).

If you want to buy presents, ask what they need instead of getting whatever you think is cute. I had hats and booties coming out of my ears, but needed some practical stuff.

Message edited 10/16/2012 12:54:27 PM.

Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

First time parents are always willign to share pictures. My parents live in FL so they do not get to see DS much. My mom went out and bought an iphone so it would be easier for me to send pics.

As for actual time when you are in town....just tell them you'd like to come over and spend time but want it to be ok with their schedule. I think that is the biggest thing. Be flexible with thier schedule and do not get upset if its not as much as you want...its not personal its just they have a new baby and are tryign to figure it all out and sometimes it needs to be just them.

Re: Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

Re: Crashing to ask a question about first-time parents...

Thanks everyone!

I will be bringing all their meals while I'm in town. Offering to do laundry is a great idea, too. We have the bris Saturday morning, so we will all be at that for a while. We all have iphones so pictures are easy and so is FaceTiming when they are free. I am trying to be very, very understanding of their limitations and their schedule. I totally understand how big of an adjustment this is and I know once they settle into more of a schedule it will be easier.

I never call their house line anyways, so that isn't an issue, and as of now I'm texting my brother and not my SIL because she (quite literally) probably has her hands full 90% of the time!

Please keep any suggestions/tips/advice coming! Anything you found great or awful that family did or does is so helpful!