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01ellie
LIF Adult
Member since 9/10 2245 total posts
Name:
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confused/vent/need advice
So yesterday I had my baby shower....it was beautiful! I loved the theme, deocrations, it was nice seeing everyone and we got tons of gifts for the twins. But there was some drama too and I don't know what to think.....
So because of space issue we had planned it to be a women's only shower. Our families are huge, no way we could have had co-ed without renting a very large space. (We had over 325 at our wedding just to give you an idea!) Anyway, even though I didn't know the theme or games I was somewhat involved with the planning. I knew when/where/who was invited etc. DH helped me with the guest list for his fam and friends. But then last night I find out DH was upset that it wasn't co-ed! He felt left out and hurt that no one thought he would want to be a part of the shower. He also said some of his friends and family made comments to him about it not being co-ed, so he feels like everyone is mad at him. But at the same time he never said anything to me?? His sister was part of the planning and never said anything to my sister. So she didn't know either......DH said he's not gonna forgive my sister, bff or parents for not thinking of him, he said his family is hurt that he wasn't there....I am sooo confused! His family were all at the shower and seemed to have a good time. Why no one expressed their feelings during the planning stage? I also feel bad that I never thought to ask DH if he wanted a co-ed shower. What do u ladies think? Am I completely wrong? Is DH over reacting?
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Posted 10/15/12 11:12 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
gdubs
This baby is awesome!
Member since 11/10 2467 total posts
Name:
Gina
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confused/vent/need advice
Honestly, had he wanted to be invited or have a co-ed shower he should have said something at the every beginning of the planning process. How does he think it's ok to help you with the guest list, never say two words about wanting to be there and then get mad at your family?? People aren't mind readers. IMHO he's being totally unfair.
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:22 AM |
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Sparrow
LIF Adult
Member since 11/10 6826 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
If my DH pulled that after the fact complaining I would be livid at him! Do you or he come from a culture where baby showers are generally co-ed? If not, it is definitely NOT the norm to have a co-ed shower around here and I don't think it's weird or inconsiderate AT ALL that he wasn't invited. I would seriously be furious that he's trying to guilt me now that it's all said and done and there's no going back. If he felt this way, he had PLENTY of time to say something before the invites went out. He is way out of line to be mad now IMO!
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:23 AM |
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AngnShaun
Sisters
Member since 1/10 21015 total posts
Name:
Ang
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Posted by Sparrow
If my DH pulled that after the fact complaining I would be livid at him!
This... I would be furious... And id let him know how furious i was! He had plenty of time to make his feelings known!
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:24 AM |
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Strawberry2468
It's summatime
Member since 3/09 4739 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
He should have said something! Most showers are women only and men want no part, but sometimes the DHs stay. It didnt need to be co-ed for him to stay. He's an exception.
My DH came to help set up but stayed only b/c we were short on the guest list. We also had his uncle stay who drove his aunt out from NJ and was roaming the streets waiting for her with no intention of coming to the shower.
Message edited 10/15/2012 11:33:20 AM.
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:32 AM |
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Samira0407
Love being a Mom
Member since 6/08 4030 total posts
Name:
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confused/vent/need advice
He should have said something up front. It's pretty common in my family & circle of friends to have a co-ed shower. Our guest list is 100+ which I'm not happy about; but we had so many people we needed to invite from both sides and both men & women. I figured it would be better to just get all the invitations out and know all the people we wanted were invited (whether they come or not) then deal with any drama after the fact. Your DH should have spoke up BEFORE the shower if he wanted it to be co-ed and have more guys or other family there. Especially since he was involved in the guest list! What does he want you do do now? There's nothing you can do.
Message edited 10/15/2012 12:04:32 PM.
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:46 AM |
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Hofstra26
Love to Bake!
Member since 7/06 27915 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Honestly, while I understand your DHs feelings about it traditionally showers are NOT coed so I don't really think he has a right to be mad about it. Making it coed doubles the shower costs for whoever is hosting and maybe that wasn't feasible, especially since you mentioned you have a huge family. I don't think anyone in the planning stages did anything wrong, your DH is overreacting. And to be mad at your family and say he won't ever forgive them is a bit much. While he may have wanted to attend I don't think it's at all unusual that he didn't. He shouldn't be creating drama over this and making you upset and ruining the memories of your lovely shower. I hate to say it, but it's a little selfish of him. 
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:53 AM |
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MrsRapz
mahna mahna!
Member since 2/12 1952 total posts
Name:
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confused/vent/need advice
ditto what everyone else said - your DH should've said something in advance - co-ed showers are not the norm so why would he and his family assume guys would be invited?
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:53 AM |
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cateyemm
Twins!
Member since 7/10 8027 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Did you ask him why didnt he say anything up front? We had a lot of drama with our guest list not being co ed because that's standard in DH's family. I stuck to my guns because we had about 60 women show up- imagine if it was coed?!
IMO your DH is being quite dramatic saying he'll never forgive your sister and I dont really understand why he's even mad at you. Did he expect you to read his mind?
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| Posted 10/15/12 11:53 AM |
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mnm918
LIF Adult
Member since 10/10 1209 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Posted by gdubs
Honestly, had he wanted to be invited or have a co-ed shower he should have said something at the every beginning of the planning process. How does he think it's ok to help you with the guest list, never say two words about wanting to be there and then get mad at your family?? People aren't mind readers. IMHO he's being totally unfair.
This exactly!
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| Posted 10/15/12 12:00 PM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
he should have spoken up about what he wanted.
that being said, I have NEVER been to a co-ed shower of any time.
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| Posted 10/15/12 12:07 PM |
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moonmist09
Thank you, St. Gerard!
Member since 2/11 5043 total posts
Name:
Antonella
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confused/vent/need advice
Co-ed showers are not the norm. they are an exception. If your DH wanted to be involved and to attend, he should have said something. Even if just to his sister since she helped plan the whole thing too.
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| Posted 10/15/12 12:33 PM |
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mamabear
LIF Adult
Member since 3/08 4539 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Your DH is 100% wrong for holding all of that in, and then getting mad and blaming everyone else. 100% wrong for that. Most men don't really care about showers, and they are generally women only. If your DH wanted to be included and his friends did too, that is really really nice, but he should have said something. Communication is KEY. Now he leaves you feeling terrible, when all he had to do is say hey- I'd like to be there, and everyone would have gladly figured out a way. I would tell him you are touched by his desire to be there, but that it isn't the norm, and if he hid his feelings from you, he can't be mad at you and your family for not being able to read his mind.
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| Posted 10/15/12 12:36 PM |
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ny55angel
car seat tech & geek :-)
Member since 2/06 4346 total posts
Name:
P
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confused/vent/need advice
I agree with everyone else, your DH is 100% wrong. he should have made it clear to ypu and others that he wanted to be there, and therefore a co-ed shower would be nice. Honestly though, co-ed showers are NOT the norm, and im sorry, but his family was hurt he wasn't there?? He isn't going to forgive your sister or your mom?!?! That's beyond ridiculous and childish IMO, especially because he KNEW the guest list and what was going on.
It all goes back to, he should have opened his obviously big mouth beforehand and not have waited until after and then make you feel guilty.
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| Posted 10/15/12 3:03 PM |
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MrsRapz
mahna mahna!
Member since 2/12 1952 total posts
Name:
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confused/vent/need advice
just thought of something ...
as i said earlier, i don't think you did anything wrong but if your DH is THAT upset, how about setting up a men only "shower" for him with only 10-ish people. You could do it at your house maybe so it's not too expensive.
Otherwise, you're just going to be fighting about it and it's not worth the anger or the time.
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| Posted 10/15/12 3:19 PM |
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springsandra
Baby girl has a baby brother!
Member since 11/09 7155 total posts
Name:
Sandra
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confused/vent/need advice
What's he going to do next? Not speak up when it's time to circumcise the baby then say "I wish they hadn't cut him!" after the fact??? Cmon, man, man-up and speak up in a timely fashion.
That really, really isn't fair to you. Feasibly, it just wasn't possible to make this wedding #2. But if he wants a big "celebrate the babies" party that he's a part of, what about doing an all-out balls-to-the-walls bash for their first birthday? It'll be like wedding #2 and he can invite all 300+ you had at the wedding. Although, honestly, he might realize spending that money on things like diapers is a little more practical.
In most cultures, baby showers are for women. Obviously it doesn't always have to be that way, but he needed to be proactive about it, not reactive. No good can come out of making you feel guilty unnecessarily now.
If he was just expressing his lingering disappointment, definitely ask him to come up with a solution -- whether it's a first bday party, a huge christening party or "meet the babies" type of party, or something else. That way he can feel more involved and like he didn't miss out.
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| Posted 10/15/12 3:31 PM |
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nraboni
Uggh...
Member since 10/09 6905 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Posted by gdubs
Honestly, had he wanted to be invited or have a co-ed shower he should have said something at the every beginning of the planning process. How does he think it's ok to help you with the guest list, never say two words about wanting to be there and then get mad at your family?? People aren't mind readers. IMHO he's being totally unfair.
This and the statement he made about not forgiving your sister, parents and BFF is so ridiculously absurd. I would be more pissed about that statement than the fact that he didn't say something from the get go.
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| Posted 10/15/12 4:08 PM |
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ANR1211
My loves
Member since 2/11 2131 total posts
Name:
A
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confused/vent/need advice
DH is wrong. He should have made his feelings known. It's not typical to have a coed shower and IMO they're weird. If he wanted to stay, he could have stayed, but he's the only one to blame for this.
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| Posted 10/15/12 4:20 PM |
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01ellie
LIF Adult
Member since 9/10 2245 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
I am sooooo glad I have u ladies to make me feel sane! I have only been to 2 baby showers that were co-ed so to me it was nothing out of the ordinary to plan it that way. In my family the men never want to be a part of the shower but on his side they have co-ed showers all the time. And when I did ask him why he didn't tell me what he wanted he said, by the time he realized it was women only he felt it couldn't be changed so he didn't want to ruin it for me....but hello doesn't he see he is ruining it for me by causing all this drama!? His other answer to me is that I should know him and I should have known he wanted a big celebration. I don't know if something else is bothering him and he's just taking his frustration out on me and the shower but I don't think its fair at all. I'm just fed up with the drama...being 34 weeks pregnant I'm not feeling very comfortable and I'm already emotional!
I'm not gonna talk to him about it anymore....he knows how I feel about it. I just hope he gets over himself soon so we can go back to preparing for the babies. Thanks for letting me vent! And thanks for letting me see that I'm not crazy!
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| Posted 10/15/12 5:19 PM |
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Strawberry2468
It's summatime
Member since 3/09 4739 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Maybe he is feeling left out like all the attn is on you? (which is still silly)
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| Posted 10/15/12 5:29 PM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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confused/vent/need advice
I would tell my DH to get over it. He is a big boy and should have spoke up during the planning.
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| Posted 10/15/12 6:41 PM |
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stargazerlily
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 706 total posts
Name:
Lara
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confused/vent/need advice
I am going to say what I am sure everyone said already. This reaction to a baby shower is way out of line especially given the involvement ahead of time. It seems ridiculous to me to put stress on your pregnant wife after her own baby shower. I would also take his so called grudge against my family personally and I would demand an apology because this is not how grown-ups behave. Baby showers are traditionally for women - and while some are co-ed, I can't imagine anyone would automatically assume to plan one unless the father-to-be requested it, which he didn't.
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| Posted 10/15/12 7:11 PM |
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yankeebaby
LIF Adolescent
Member since 7/12 850 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Sometimes it doesn't have to be co-ed for the babies dad to be part of the shower. My husband was the only male at my shower. With that said though he should have expressed that to you before the shower. He knew it was coming.
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| Posted 10/15/12 7:59 PM |
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yankeebaby
LIF Adolescent
Member since 7/12 850 total posts
Name:
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Sorry you have to go through this. I am sure you are already stressed and tired!
Message edited 10/15/2012 8:06:34 PM.
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| Posted 10/15/12 8:00 PM |
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JMG2010
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/12 401 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Re: confused/vent/need advice
Sometimes I really think they think we are mind readers. If he truly wanted a co-ed shower he should've mentioned something in the beginning.
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| Posted 10/15/12 8:01 PM |
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