Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

I have more than a few complaints about this woman but here are the ones really bothering me recently:

My MIL never calls DD by her name. She always calls her "my sweet girl". She says its 100x's of times in one short conversation. It's starting to get really frustrating because I would like her to use her name. When she does use her name, she doesn't say it correctly and it's not that hard. I don't disclose dd's name but here are some examples of other names: Let's say her name was "Kaydee" pronounced exactly like that... KAY-DEE. She says "Katie", like KAY-TEE. Like pretend her name is Paisley. It is pronounced "Pays-lee", she would say "Pies-lee". It annoys me.

She also doesn't listen to DD very well (toddler speak is hard to understand) but I feel she doesn't try and when she goes off on a weird tangent and I correct her saying DD was saying such and such her response is always "oh". just "oh" and never responds to what DD was really saying.

She also does silly things just to get attention. She doesn't give attention to DD as much as she wants and craves attention from DD. She always screams "grandmas here" and if DD doesn't react she is always trying gimmicks. Like she will shake a pill bottle full of pills to get her attention and lure her towards her. I can't stand those games. One time she held a deck of cards in her crotch and got enjoyment out of DD reaching for them (she wouldnt give them to her or put them away out of sight) just taunted them there so DD would be there.

Any advice on how to handle my monster in law?!?

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Your MIL is far from a monster. Let it go! She sounds like she really loves your daughter.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

I was going to say, while irritating, these are little things. My MIL is similar. Tiny irritating things that add up. But as long as she is a loving and involved grandma, who respects her place and doesn't undermine your authority, I'd try to let it go. Good luck!

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Well that is definitely annoying :) I get that. I think when there are bigger issues the little stuff gets more annoying. Grandparents need to understand they actually have no "rights" when it comes to their grandchildren. And MILs are wise to back off...I would just be firm, like correcting her name pronunciation. And you can't underestimate the power of blatantly changing the subject! I dont care how rude or obvious it is, I do it all the time with my MIL. If she says something I don't like I just basically obviously change the subject. It keeps the peace and sets the tone that I'm the boss (when it comes to my husband and kids).

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Are you sure she is mispronouncing her name on purpose? Perhaps she just can't say the letter combination properly. I had a friend back in college. His name was AAron. He kept saying I was mispronouncing it. I tried my hardest to pronounce it the way he wanted but for the life of me I just could not get my mouth to form the sound the way he thought it should be pronounce. I was not trying to be mean or mispronounce it. I physically could not do it. So rather than say his name I would just say hi or his last name to get his attention.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

I've found that being blunt and coming right out and telling my MiL what I want/don't want her to do is the only way to get her to change the things I don't like. She doesn't take subtle hints. I have to tell her exactly and use an annoyed tone or I'm ignored/not taken seriously.

MILs can def drive you crazy! Good luck!

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Just wanted to add, she is involved but not really in my daughters life. Like i said she is involved for herself. Take kissing. we have asked her repeatedly to do cheek only but she continues to do it on her lips. This comes from a woman who barely hugs her own sons, was cold raising them and literally in 10+ years i have never even seen her kiss her own husband on the lips. Like ever. I can't stand it. So it disrespects me because she says to my daughter can i have a kiss and i said on the cheek and she still does lips. Meanwhile my DH has so many issues because she was so lacking in affection. She should work on her relationship with him first.

She also lures DD into her bedroom all the time and we made it clear that we dont even like her in our own bedroom and would prefer they hung out in the living room or kitchen. She still tries to get DD to hang out on her bed...

this sounds loving and close but as I said, anytime DD talks about something, she pretty much ignores what she is ACTUALLY saying and just says the crazy stuff she is thinking and is never child appropriate.

She's never changed a diaper, never woke up early to play with her in the first 2 years of her life (and then would complain she didnt get enough time with her). We told her DD's best time in 5am-10am... maybe you should get up and see her then. Never happened.

So the fact that she now does things that grate on me 24/7 and I'm having trouble talking to her on skype for more than 10-15 minutes at a time is becoming and issue. I hate when we have to spend a week at her house 24/7 with nowhere to go.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

My honest take on it is that your MIL drives you nuts with a bunch of things & thus, you are over reacting to certain things and not to others.

Pick your battles.

Try thinking if it would bother you if your mom did it (be honest to yourself).

Be reasonable. She's not young... Asking her to wake up at 5am is a bit much, but not kissing in the lips is much more reasonable.

Imagine if she were to die next year what you would have wanted her to do with your child.

Finally, remember that she means well and wants the best for your child. She IS family.

Lastly, a glass of wine helps.

Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

pick your battles.

have your hubby do the talking with his mother on the issues.

1. I would be firm on the kissing is only on the cheek bit. Very simple... thats the easiest way to get sick saliva to saliva.
2. I would be firm on the we are not letting a little one on the bed/bedroom. Its not safe, can roll off it, room may not have the electrical outlets covered like living room, etc...

ps I totally get you on the affection thing. mil always asks my kids for hugs and kisses but doesn't even do that with her own kids.

Message edited 9/25/2014 7:36:54 AM.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

I agree on choosing your battles. It sounds like she is better than most. The name thing would bug me, I would maybe say something to your DH to say something to her about that. My MIL is the same way, my niece is Sienna pronounced Cee-enna and my MIL says Cee-ANNA and it bugs me and its not even my DD. My MIL also will purposely botch the names of things that DS says correctly and it drives me nuts too. When DS says "lellow" instead of "yellow" I think its cute but when he says something correctly I dont want MIL to be teaching him to pronounce it incorrectly bc she does and thinks its funny. (ex: It drives me nuts when she calls Chuckie Cheese "Chunky Cheese" -- it was funny the first time but now she does it on purpose and it makes me cringe because the thought of chunky cheese, but I would LOL when 2yo DS would correct her).

Otherwise I would try to stick to safety concerns.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

She sounds like my MIL. I agree it's annoying. I let most go. I think a lot has to do with not being brought up with her and being brought up with your parents doing things differently. When my mom does something, it's normal to me. Although even DH finds my mom normal and his mom annoying at times. lol. I think a lot of times they are trying to recapture their parenting glory days.

ETA, I'd still correct her on the pronunciation though.

Message edited 9/25/2014 9:51:00 AM.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

Thanks everyone. This is really helping with my self-reflection on what the main issues are that need to be addressed. The rest are silly things I need to let go of.

Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

My dd is two weeks old and mil refuses to use her name. She calls her by her middle name. I correct her everytime. EVERY F TIME. I get how frustrating that is! I will continue to correct her until one day she learns.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

It sounds like you just don't like her because she is really annoying. The only thing you can really do is correct her and limit the time you spend with her. If you don't mind her having a relationship with your child, then have dh go with your LO alone. You don't have to see her or at least not for long periods of time.

Re: Vent about my MIL - any advice on this?

She sounds a lot like my MIL. A lot of people have already given good advice. Try to stay firm on the issues that are most important to you, things that involve health and safety.

Also try to remember that your DD will soon be older and won't fall for some of the games/tricks and also will likely be able to see right through her at some point.

My DS now goes running when Grandma comes in for a hug or kiss

I also wanted to say that I had a family member who for the life of him could not say my name correctly. He would leave out a whole syllable. But for him it really was that he just couldn't get it out right. So it might be a legitimate issue for her and not something she's intentionally doing.