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melbalalala
Little Lady
Member since 5/07 5015 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
DD will be three next month. We hang out with a big group of neighbors every night outside where kids range from 1-9 years old. DD gravitates to the other 3/4 year olds.
We spend a lot of time talking to her about sharing and being kind. When she's with some of these kids they are downright MEAN. DD will ask if she can have a turn with something and gets a flat-out "no" from another 3 year old. She'll say "can you please share that with me?" and get shot down. It's sad to watch and she often comes to us asking what to do. A lot of the other parents have a "they'll work it out" attitude and/or are often socializing and don't realize what's going on.
At 3 years old, how much should I be butting in and helping DD out? I've taught her to say what she's saying, asking nicely to take a turn, but it's obviously bombing with the neighborhood tough kids. Do you step in if your DC asks you to? Do you ever talk to the other parents? We're worried about her shyness as it is and it takes awhile for her to warm up in social situations, I want her to toughen up a bit but I also don't want it to be ok for other kids to be unkind when I'm trying to teach DD the opposite.
What do you think? Three year olds... butt in or butt out?
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Posted 8/5/13 8:40 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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MrsO
Big Brothers to Be
Member since 1/07 4521 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
I say butt in. When it comes to 3 year olds it would help if the other parents were on board. Maybe have your daughter try and trade to get a turn. It is hard when your kid acts polite and others won't share.
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| Posted 8/5/13 10:53 PM |
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SecretTTCer
LIF Adult
Member since 6/08 2284 total posts
Name:
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
I don't think I would characterize a three year old who says "no" to sharing a toy "downright mean." I think that behavior is pretty age appropriate.
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| Posted 8/5/13 11:05 PM |
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summerBaby10
let's be nice
Member since 9/07 10208 total posts
Name:
Wifey
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
I'm still policing at 3.5 - If the other kid's parent isn't stepping in reminding their child how they should behave, I will make sure that I can see & hear what is going on & step in if I need to.
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| Posted 8/5/13 11:27 PM |
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Jugglemom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 3/12 809 total posts
Name:
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by SecretTTCer
I don't think I would characterize a three year old who says "no" to sharing a toy "downright mean." I think that behavior is pretty age appropriate.
This! Honestly, when that happens I try to steer my DC away from the situation and suggest a different toy. I'd explain that not everyone is a good sharer or something like that. I always feel funny reprimanding other people's kids unless there is a safety issue.
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| Posted 8/5/13 11:58 PM |
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Teachergal
We made a snowman!
Member since 1/08 3239 total posts
Name:
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by SecretTTCer
I don't think I would characterize a three year old who says "no" to sharing a toy "downright mean." I think that behavior is pretty age appropriate.
This is what I was thinking. I think that type behavior is age appropriate, not mean. I would step in and try to model the appropriate behavior and if that didn't work, try to get my DD involved in something else. It's unfortunate that the other parents aren't there to back you up, but I feel like that happens a lot when I go places.
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| Posted 8/6/13 6:50 AM |
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LotsaLuv
Us
Member since 6/10 4094 total posts
Name:
F
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At what age do you stop
I don't believe at 3 years old they are able to work it out. They still need to be guided. If it were my child saying no, I would step in and explain sharing and taking turns. That is learned behavior it doesn't come natural.
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| Posted 8/6/13 7:04 AM |
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melbalalala
Little Lady
Member since 5/07 5015 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by Jugglemom
Posted by SecretTTCer
I don't think I would characterize a three year old who says "no" to sharing a toy "downright mean." I think that behavior is pretty age appropriate.
This! Honestly, when that happens I try to steer my DC away from the situation and suggest a different toy. I'd explain that not everyone is a good sharer or something like that. I always feel funny reprimanding other people's kids unless there is a safety issue.
I left out details that caused me to categorize the behavior as "mean" but even if something is age appropriate, it can be mean, no? For example, it's age appropriate for a 2 year old to bite and hit another child, I think that's mean? (not what's happening in this case, just an example) I think that's part of the problem here, a lot of the parents of the kids involved brush it off as a "kids will be kids" and I think of it as a learning lesson situation for all.
Anyway, I'm not looking to discipline someone else's kids, I'm looking to intervene with a plan to take turns"ok kids, Michael will get it for five minutes, John for 5, then Susie for 5". That kind of thing. But I don't want to step in if this is the age where they truly are supposed to work it out themselves.
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| Posted 8/6/13 7:48 AM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
I do step in with my 3 year old and think it is important to learn to share, but I have a few questions for you.
1. Whose toy is it? Is it her toy that she could play with any time? If so, I would redirect her attention to another toy/activity and remind her that she can play with her toy at any time, but it is new to the other child so she should let the other child have a turn. If it is another child's toy is it new? I can understand not wanting to share a brand new toy.
2. Did your DD bring something to trade/redirect the other child? I can see if it is an outside event and there are no other toys where the kid with the toy would be reluctant to give a toy away, but if she had something to trade perhaps it would go smoother for her.
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| Posted 8/6/13 8:13 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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At what age do you stop
I do not discipline or intervene with other people children unless it is a safety issue.
Kids are kids and there will always be kids that don't share and ones that are great with it. Not my kid not my place to step in (unless safety)
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| Posted 8/6/13 9:17 AM |
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babycrazed
LIF Toddler
Member since 5/12 475 total posts
Name:
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At what age do you stop
I would step in, but just to say " So and so, do you think DD can have a turn to play with that. She'd like to share it with you." If he still said "no," i'd leave it at that and give her something else to play with. It's not my kid to intervene any further or try to teach social skills. His parents should be doing that.
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| Posted 8/6/13 9:29 AM |
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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
Name:
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by melbalalala
Posted by Jugglemom
Posted by SecretTTCer
I don't think I would characterize a three year old who says "no" to sharing a toy "downright mean." I think that behavior is pretty age appropriate.
This! Honestly, when that happens I try to steer my DC away from the situation and suggest a different toy. I'd explain that not everyone is a good sharer or something like that. I always feel funny reprimanding other people's kids unless there is a safety issue.
I left out details that caused me to categorize the behavior as "mean" but even if something is age appropriate, it can be mean, no? For example, it's age appropriate for a 2 year old to bite and hit another child, I think that's mean? (not what's happening in this case, just an example) I think that's part of the problem here, a lot of the parents of the kids involved brush it off as a "kids will be kids" and I think of it as a learning lesson situation for all.
Anyway, I'm not looking to discipline someone else's kids, I'm looking to intervene with a plan to take turns"ok kids, Michael will get it for five minutes, John for 5, then Susie for 5". That kind of thing. But I don't want to step in if this is the age where they truly are supposed to work it out themselves.
We run into a LOT of this.
At our community pool, there are some PARENTS who don't share their kids' toys. Can't do anything about adults who don't share.
If it's a small group that I know well: I do "turns" even for 6 year olds! 5 minutes is too long. 1 or 2 minutes works best.
I agree though... my 3 year old can't share (something that he wants).
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| Posted 8/6/13 9:37 AM |
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ali120206
2 Boys
Member since 7/06 17795 total posts
Name:
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by nycgirl
Posted by melbalalala
Posted by Jugglemom
Posted by SecretTTCer
I don't think I would characterize a three year old who says "no" to sharing a toy "downright mean." I think that behavior is pretty age appropriate.
This! Honestly, when that happens I try to steer my DC away from the situation and suggest a different toy. I'd explain that not everyone is a good sharer or something like that. I always feel funny reprimanding other people's kids unless there is a safety issue.
I left out details that caused me to categorize the behavior as "mean" but even if something is age appropriate, it can be mean, no? For example, it's age appropriate for a 2 year old to bite and hit another child, I think that's mean? (not what's happening in this case, just an example) I think that's part of the problem here, a lot of the parents of the kids involved brush it off as a "kids will be kids" and I think of it as a learning lesson situation for all.
Anyway, I'm not looking to discipline someone else's kids, I'm looking to intervene with a plan to take turns"ok kids, Michael will get it for five minutes, John for 5, then Susie for 5". That kind of thing. But I don't want to step in if this is the age where they truly are supposed to work it out themselves.
We run into a LOT of this.
At our community pool, there are some PARENTS who don't share their kids' toys. Can't do anything about adults who don't share.
If it's a small group that I know well: I do "turns" even for 6 year olds! 5 minutes is too long. 1 or 2 minutes works best.
I agree though... my 3 year old can't share (something that he wants).
I tend to be one of those parents at the pool  usually though since some kid will take the toy that my kids are playing with right from them or me.
I usually try to divert my 3 year old to something else (which then usually peaks the interest of the kid who has what my kid wants to play with so they switch).
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| Posted 8/6/13 9:42 AM |
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MrsA714
Baby #2 is here!
Member since 8/07 8806 total posts
Name:
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by PennyJ923
I don't believe at 3 years old they are able to work it out. They still need to be guided. If it were my child saying no, I would step in and explain sharing and taking turns. That is learned behavior it doesn't come natural.
I agree with this.
To the OP, I know where you are coming from  . DD is extremely shy and it also takes her a long time to warm up to new people/situations. It can be frustrating to watch your child do the right thing while other children are not doing the same and there is no one there to correct them. Usually I will guide DD and tell her to wait her turn or to play with something else in the meantime. But if the situation warranted, I would most certainly intervene.
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| Posted 8/6/13 9:44 AM |
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nraboni
Uggh...
Member since 10/09 6905 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: At what age do you stop "policing" playdates?
Posted by PennyJ923
I don't believe at 3 years old they are able to work it out. They still need to be guided. If it were my child saying no, I would step in and explain sharing and taking turns. That is learned behavior it doesn't come natural.
I completely agree with this. I won't "Parent" another child but I will guide my child to something else or make sure that they are sharing.
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| Posted 8/6/13 9:47 AM |
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