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MommaTo3Dogs1Boy
All of My Dreams Came True
Member since 2/09 1989 total posts
Name:
Kimmie
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WWYD re: MIL (long)
A little background, we live with our ILS, are going to buy a mother/daughter with them as soon as this house sells.
MIL is ALWAYS trying to be in the way. the minute i walk downstairs whether its to make a bottle, make something to eat, or just get in from going out, she has to stop what she's doing and walks in the room and stares at DS. or she always says "let me hold him" or "let me help". ok yes, it's nice she's offering to help, but seriously, i wanna do this on my own. it wasn't our ideal situation to be living with them right now while having our first child.
when DS cries, she comes into his nursery while i'm changing him and stares and laughs. or says "can i help" no.. you can't help. i have told them numerous of times, i will ask for help when i need it. i mean honestly, who wants to hear this every second of the day?? i feel like a brat complaining and being seriously stressed about it because they're offering help, but i'm about to lose my ******** mind! when DS is screaming his head off, i really don't need her coming in and staring at him and saying "oh what's wrong" or whatever. it just stresses me out 100 times more. i have told DH and he's a stupid momma's boy and thinks her sh!t don't stink and i'm always wrong.. i know he gets a little stressed too but he just won't say anything even if he does realize she's wrong. what would you do? if she does this again (which she will) i feel like i'm about to flip out on her.
oh and it's bad enough, we told her when we came home from the hospital, we wanted everyone out of the house included his parents so we could introduce the baby to the dogs slowly.. she had a freaking bbq after we requested that everyone not come over. so she ruined my time home. i was so upset, i never got my "coming home" pictures in front of the sign. i work at disney and told them when i got pregnant that i have to go down in october to work and she invited herself to go with us. DH didn't say no so i would've looked like an a hole to say no. I told her that we wanna take DS to disney the first day alone and she was like "and leave us without a car all day? no that's not happening" then DH told her they could drop us off and she was still giving us crap. Disney is VERY special to us (we got engaged there, honeymooned there and conceived declan there) and we wanted this to be our thing and our special moment. *sigh* please help. sorry this is so long
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Posted 7/16/09 8:34 PM  |
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KateDevine
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Member since 6/06 24950 total posts
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
You live in her house, she probably thinks she is trying to help you, her heart is in the right place, if it is really bothering you, then have DH speak to them so that WW III doesn't ensue..
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:37 PM |
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Merf99
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3380 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Why are you buying a mother/daughter house with them? It will probably be a little better with seperate areas but they will be very close. I would have DH talk to them - not in a mean way, but just that you need some more boundaries.
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:39 PM |
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Diana1215
Living on a prayer!!!
Member since 10/05 29450 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by KateDevine
You live in her house, she probably thinks she is trying to help you, her heart is in the right place, if it is really bothering you, then have DH speak to them so that WW III doesn't ensue..
I agree. And, if you feel this way now, should you really be buying a mother/daughter with them?
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:41 PM |
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MommaTo3Dogs1Boy
All of My Dreams Came True
Member since 2/09 1989 total posts
Name:
Kimmie
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
i know she thinks she's helping but it's not. it's nagging and honestly, i want to experience this mother thing on my own. i don't need her knocking on the door at 2am when he's screaming seeing what's wrong with him. he's a baby, he cries. i'm afraid when we buy this house, she'll just knock on the door whenever she pleases to see how he's doing or what she can do. i have told them numerous of times that i will ask for the help when i want it :(
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:42 PM |
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MommaTo3Dogs1Boy
All of My Dreams Came True
Member since 2/09 1989 total posts
Name:
Kimmie
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by Diana1215
Posted by KateDevine
You live in her house, she probably thinks she is trying to help you, her heart is in the right place, if it is really bothering you, then have DH speak to them so that WW III doesn't ensue..
I agree. And, if you feel this way now, should you really be buying a mother/daughter with them?
honestly, i don't want to, but that's the only way we'll be able to buy a house (or find a place, we have 3 dogs, no one will rent to us) with no money down and that's not in a crappy area. DH swears that there will be rules and stuff, but if I know his mother, she's pushy and will try to get her way. hell, she did get her way by us buying a house with them.
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:43 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by Diana1215
Posted by KateDevine
You live in her house, she probably thinks she is trying to help you, her heart is in the right place, if it is really bothering you, then have DH speak to them so that WW III doesn't ensue..
I agree. And, if you feel this way now, should you really be buying a mother/daughter with them?
I agree. I would not buy a m/d home. This has nightmare written all over it. She's the grandmother & your DH's mom so she will always be involved - but you need to set boundaries now.
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:44 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Your only solution is to get your own place. Sadly- you can't *really* call the shots when living under their roof.
ETA: Just read about your situation. Honestly this is one of those "put up or shut up" arrangements. If you choose to live with them, go into it knowing you're going to have her around wanting to help all the time.
Message edited 7/16/2009 8:47:01 PM.
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:45 PM |
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lovemy2boys
LIF Adult
Member since 10/07 3915 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by Diana1215
Posted by KateDevine
You live in her house, she probably thinks she is trying to help you, her heart is in the right place, if it is really bothering you, then have DH speak to them so that WW III doesn't ensue..
I agree. And, if you feel this way now, should you really be buying a mother/daughter with them?
You need to rethink buying this house , my MIL is much the same and I know it wouldn't work out with all of us in the same home. She feels like she has every right to jump in and help , it will get worse if you buy a home w her
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:51 PM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
I agree with the others..do NOT buy a mother/daughter house.
If that's not an option, you have to set some ground rules. It would be ideal if your dh would set the rules but if he isn't willing to do that, then you need to step up to the plate. It's a little awkward to do that, especially since you're in their house. She's trying to be nice, but she doesn't realize that she's stepping over the line. You'll have to break it to her gently.
Speaking of breaking it to her gently...you need to inform her that your trip to Disney will be a family trip...not an extended family trip.
Sorry Grandma...time to stay home.
ETA: if you don't take care of this now, she's going to feel like she can say/do anything she wants. Nip it in the bud now.
Message edited 7/16/2009 9:00:46 PM.
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:59 PM |
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Palebride
I am an amazing bakist
Member since 5/05 13673 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
If you're living in her house, you have to deal with it. Sorry.
We lived in my parent's house when we were in between homes (sold the co-op...searching for a house) and it wasn't always fun...and at times, a little annoying. But it's an amazing gift that she's giving you to allow you to stay in her house. Imagine how much her life is disrupted because of a newborn being in the house!
Try to ease up and let her help sometimes....she might back off if you do!
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| Posted 7/16/09 8:59 PM |
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HeathKernandez
Our Ron is an awesome Ron
Member since 4/07 9091 total posts
Name:
baby fish mouth
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
awwww she's probably just really excited. Is this her 1st grandchild?
I agree with PP, I would not be buying a house with her if you're feeling she's being intrusive..
I lived with my mother after I had my son, and didn't mind at ALL the help. But then again, it was my mother and not MIL and I was a single parent and welcomed the help.
you need to approach her about all of this NOW or else it will never end..
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| Posted 7/16/09 9:00 PM |
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MrsDrMatt
Live and RUN like a Ninja!
Member since 5/06 3104 total posts
Name:
MrsDrMatt
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Oh boy, I am NOT going to be popular here but since you asked....
Since you are living in HER house, she can have a bbq, come and go as she pleases etc without asking you. If you don't like it, move out. I know it sounds harsh but its the only solution. I also WOULD NOT under any circumstances buy a house with them.
i know you want to save money for a house but sometimes things take a little longer than we want them to take.
Life is filled with hard choices so either accept the nosey MIL or accept the fact that it will take longer to own a house.
Sorry I sound harsh.....
By the way, your baby is precious.
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| Posted 7/17/09 8:56 AM |
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ddunne2
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 4189 total posts
Name:
Doreen
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by MrsDrMatt
Oh boy, I am NOT going to be popular here but since you asked....
Since you are living in HER house, she can have a bbq, come and go as she pleases etc without asking you. If you don't like it, move out. I know it sounds harsh but its the only solution. I also WOULD NOT under any circumstances buy a house with them.
i know you want to save money for a house but sometimes things take a little longer than we want them to take.
Life is filled with hard choices so either accept the nosey MIL or accept the fact that it will take longer to own a house.
Sorry I sound harsh.....
By the way, your baby is precious.
I completely agree. I know how annoying MIL's can be, but unfortunately you are in her house so if she wants to come into the room in her house where the baby and you are, she has every right. As long as she is not walking in when you are changing or nursing or something, then you can't fault her for wanting to help. You are setting yourself up for a life full of frustration and resentment towards your DH if you buy and M/D house with them. Money should not be your only motivation at this time. If it takes you five more years to buy a house on your own which will give you a lifetime of peace and privacy than its the way to go. Even if you have your own front door and own home, your home will still be attached to MIL in a M/D and you can't not expect her to swing by or whatever. I think you have to have realistic expectations that come along with living in a mother/daughter house situation.
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| Posted 7/17/09 9:42 AM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by ddunne2
Posted by MrsDrMatt
Oh boy, I am NOT going to be popular here but since you asked....
Since you are living in HER house, she can have a bbq, come and go as she pleases etc without asking you. If you don't like it, move out. I know it sounds harsh but its the only solution. I also WOULD NOT under any circumstances buy a house with them.
i know you want to save money for a house but sometimes things take a little longer than we want them to take.
Life is filled with hard choices so either accept the nosey MIL or accept the fact that it will take longer to own a house.
Sorry I sound harsh.....
By the way, your baby is precious.
I completely agree. I know how annoying MIL's can be, but unfortunately you are in her house so if she wants to come into the room in her house where the baby and you are, she has every right. As long as she is not walking in when you are changing or nursing or something, then you can't fault her for wanting to help. You are setting yourself up for a life full of frustration and resentment towards your DH if you buy and M/D house with them. Money should not be your only motivation at this time. If it takes you five more years to buy a house on your own which will give you a lifetime of peace and privacy than its the way to go. Even if you have your own front door and own home, your home will still be attached to MIL in a M/D and you can't not expect her to swing by or whatever. I think you have to have realistic expectations that come along with living in a mother/daughter house situation.
ITA...
If you want peace of mind you need to live solo not with your IL's.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:10 AM |
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nferrandi
too excited for words
Member since 10/05 18538 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
I'm guessing you must have a decent relationship otherwise with MIL or you would have never moved in and wouldn't even be considering buying a house with them. Is it possible to sit down with her while the baby is napping and just lay it all out there? Tell her you appreciate how much she and FIL help you guys out, but sometimes you feellike it's all a little too much. Nicely tell her that you are a first time mom and it's important that you experience things on your own. Tell her how great it is to know that she's there if you need anything and you'll be sure to go to her with any questions. As for the Disney thing, do the same thing. Remind her what a special place it is for you and DH and how excited you both are to share that with your son. If you don't speak up, then there is no chance of things improving. In fact, they will probably get worse and she will continue to overstep her boudaries.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:13 AM |
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nrvbrd
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/05 796 total posts
Name:
Kysha
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
All I want to say is for the sake of your marriage and your sanity, DO NOT buy a house with your inlaws.
It seems as though the writing is on the wall already as to how things will be.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:14 AM |
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Bridex100
Two Under Two Mommy
Member since 3/08 10420 total posts
Name:
Momx100
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
MIL drives me nuts. She comes to visit OUR home once a month or so and I hit my boiling point each time. She hovers over me and gives me constant advice. I can't imagine spending more than 2 days in the same home with MIL, let alone everyday!
Personally I'd rather live in a shack than live with MIL - for my personal sanity.
If you are living in their home, I think you just have to deal with it. It doesn't sound like it will be a very good idea to buy a mother/daughter house with them.
One of my gf's ILs built a huge mansion type home for them to live all together. Marriage is challenging enough without the added stress of living with ILs. My friend is getting separated with her DH. I know her marriage had its own problems and the IL situation just made it exponentially worse.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:24 AM |
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08BabySurprise
My Life. My Everything.
Member since 10/07 9151 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by PrincessP
Posted by ddunne2
Posted by MrsDrMatt
Oh boy, I am NOT going to be popular here but since you asked....
Since you are living in HER house, she can have a bbq, come and go as she pleases etc without asking you. If you don't like it, move out. I know it sounds harsh but its the only solution. I also WOULD NOT under any circumstances buy a house with them.
i know you want to save money for a house but sometimes things take a little longer than we want them to take.
Life is filled with hard choices so either accept the nosey MIL or accept the fact that it will take longer to own a house.
Sorry I sound harsh.....
By the way, your baby is precious.
I completely agree. I know how annoying MIL's can be, but unfortunately you are in her house so if she wants to come into the room in her house where the baby and you are, she has every right. As long as she is not walking in when you are changing or nursing or something, then you can't fault her for wanting to help. You are setting yourself up for a life full of frustration and resentment towards your DH if you buy and M/D house with them. Money should not be your only motivation at this time. If it takes you five more years to buy a house on your own which will give you a lifetime of peace and privacy than its the way to go. Even if you have your own front door and own home, your home will still be attached to MIL in a M/D and you can't not expect her to swing by or whatever. I think you have to have realistic expectations that come along with living in a mother/daughter house situation.
ITA...
If you want peace of mind you need to live solo not with your IL's.
I agree as well. I'm sorry... yes while it is annoying, it is her house.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:48 AM |
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XcalystaX
Sooo Sleep Deprived....
Member since 7/06 2742 total posts
Name:
S
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by nrvbrd
All I want to say is for the sake of your marriage and your sanity, DO NOT buy a house with your inlaws.
It seems as though the writing is on the wall already as to how things will be.
I agree 100000000%! My own mom would pi$$ me off once my daughter was born- and we lived 20 minutes away from her! MIL and sometimes our own moms are so excited about having a baby around that they constantly butt in and offer to help. As the babies get older it gets worse IMO, because the parents will have a different viewpoint as to when/how to do things with your DC. It sounds like your DH has a big problem telling his mom to back off.. I sincerely doubt that will change once you buy a home together. I would keep looking for a place to rent. This is suppose to be the most precious moments of your life....you want to enjoy your little family and it seems that this experience is already tarnishing that a bit.
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| Posted 7/17/09 10:53 AM |
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twiceasnice
LIF Adult
Member since 2/08 1126 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by MrsDrMatt
Oh boy, I am NOT going to be popular here but since you asked....
Since you are living in HER house, she can have a bbq, come and go as she pleases etc without asking you. If you don't like it, move out. I know it sounds harsh but its the only solution. I also WOULD NOT under any circumstances buy a house with them.
i know you want to save money for a house but sometimes things take a little longer than we want them to take.
Life is filled with hard choices so either accept the nosey MIL or accept the fact that it will take longer to own a house.
Sorry I sound harsh.....
By the way, your baby is precious.
I agree 100%. Your MIL knows her place in her house and where ever you move she will carry that title over. She is acting as the "alpha female". Luckily she asks you if you want help cause she could just step on your toes but she doesn't seem to understand that you will ask for help when you need it.
She obviously thinks she can call the shots even when you are at a special place like Disney. If your DH doesn't put her in her place then your frture relationship will just become more sour.
Some women (i.e overbearing MIL's with momma boys for sons) will keep their DS's attached at the hip for as long as possible and see nothing wrong with it. You need to break free if you want some relief.
If you can't leave then you need to stand your ground and speak up for yourself right away. The more you let her get away with the more she will think she can control. (JUST like raising a toddler).
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| Posted 7/17/09 11:13 AM |
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MommaTo3Dogs1Boy
All of My Dreams Came True
Member since 2/09 1989 total posts
Name:
Kimmie
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
i 100% agree with you that we shouldn't buy a house but right now, that's our only option. we can't rent because we have 3 dogs and a baby. no one is going to rent to us. our only other option besides to live with his parents is to get rid of 1 or 2 of our dogs and there is no way in hell i'll do that. i'd live in the streets before i gave them up. so really, i have no other option. i feel trapped and it's really making me depressed
as far as it's her house.. yes it is, but what gives her the right to walk into my room without asking? just because it's her house doesn't mean i have to give up my privacy!
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| Posted 7/17/09 1:28 PM |
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PrincessP
Big sister!!!!!!!!!!
Member since 12/05 17450 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by MommaTo3Dogs1Boy
i 100% agree with you that we shouldn't buy a house but right now, that's our only option. we can't rent because we have 3 dogs and a baby. no one is going to rent to us. our only other option besides to live with his parents is to get rid of 1 or 2 of our dogs and there is no way in hell i'll do that. i'd live in the streets before i gave them up. so really, i have no other option. i feel trapped and it's really making me depressed
as far as it's her house.. yes it is, but what gives her the right to walk into my room without asking? just because it's her house doesn't mean i have to give up my privacy!
get a lock...but then in the end you may not get your mother/daughter house.
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| Posted 7/17/09 1:31 PM |
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Palebride
I am an amazing bakist
Member since 5/05 13673 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Posted by MommaTo3Dogs1Boy
just because it's her house doesn't mean i have to give up my privacy!
it kind of does!
why not buy a smaller house? a condo? co-op?
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| Posted 7/17/09 1:33 PM |
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EmmaNick
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Member since 12/06 16001 total posts
Name:
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Re: WWYD re: MIL (long)
Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do since it's her house. I'm sure it helps to vent though. I 100% would NOT be buying a house with them though. There has to be someone willing to rent to people w/ pets. I know there are. I know people that have pets and rent. You might have to give up being in your "ideal" area, but that's probably better than living with your IL's forever.
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| Posted 7/17/09 1:35 PM |
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