Optimism vs. Reality?

Is there anything wrong with being optimistic about an upcoming cycle, whether IVF, IUI or otherwise?

DH and I went for our 'social worker' meeting tonight. She asked us how we were feeling and I was 100% honest and told her that we're both extremely optimistic about our upcoming IVF cycle, and that we're also feeling somewhat nervous since it's something new that we haven't gone through before... the meeting continued and towards the end she said she wanted to give us a 'dose of reality' and the 'what if's' should we find ourselves on the 'other end' (meaning we never get our BFP).
I was kind of taken back to be honest, and so was my DH.
She asked us the basic questions- how many times are you willing to go through this, how will you feel if it's a BFN, etc..... and we thought our responses were realistic.
Anyway, back to my question-
Is there anything wrong w/ being optimistic? Does being optimistic take away from reality?
I felt a little down after leaving her office.
Then we came home, brought ice cream over to my parents and we told them IVF here we come And they were both really supportive- and now I'm optimistic again, though still annoyed that I paid $100 to a lady that aggrevated me!

ETA: She also made reference to a gerbil on a wheel that keeps spinning round and round and doesn't know when to get off.... implying that DH and I would do IVF forever... even after we told her how long we'd do IVF for and after that we'd consider looking into adoption...

Message edited 5/27/2008 11:46:23 PM.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Sounds like a real prize.

I dont think there is anything wrong with being optimistic. For some reason, when I had my IUIs, I kinda had a gut feeling when they worked and when they didn't. Though keeping my head up did help some.

However, I will say that an RE and their staff has to present all sides of the process. It is their responsibility to their patients. Some people hold on to every single word of positivity as gospel and are comepletely crushed when things don't work out. IMO, a good RE will never make a promise, will choose his or her words VERY carefully and will cover themselves 100% to decrease their liability. A good RE will also want you in and out of their practice and pregnant as quickly and as safely as possible. JMO.

Having been in a vulnerable position ourselves a couple of times, we appreciated the honesty we were given with ZERO promises from our docs.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I agree. Our dr. told us what he thought our chances were- and that nothing is 100%. I was just surprised that she'd react that way when we spoke about the +s and -s of IF... and how it's brought my DH and my relationship closer together... and the road we've been on until now, etc... we discussed what we'd do if IVF failed, and how many times we'd try until we say enough is enough and either be done or look into adoption, etc...
we discussed how I won't allow myself to be tortured by going to baby showers/christenings/baptisms, etc... and how I allow myself to no go and not feel guilty about not going....
My DH said he felt like in the first 20 mins or so that we were there she couldn't find anything to have us improve on... so she started generalizing to what she sees in 'most couples' (which wasn't our scenarios at all) and what she tells them to do... it was just an odd appointment.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I do not see anything wrong with being optimistic. When DH & I first found out that we were dealing with Male IF, both of us were crushed & basically looking at the "pesimistic side." After several appts with his urologist & coming on here, I realized there are two sides & with today's technology, anything is possible!

Since meeting with our RE & him giving us all our scenarios, good & bad, DH & I are cautiously optimistic. I am trying to not get ahead of myself but I do feel that the IUI's will be a success for us. Being under the guidance of a RE that we feel very comfortable with I think adds to this optimism. There is always reality in the back of my mind but I think when dealing with IF, you need to have the optimistic feeling that no matter what, the end result will be some sort of miracle be through IUI, IVF or even adoption...

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

optimism is a good thing, especially since you haven't even started. Keep up your good attitude.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I feel a little of both is needed.

When we first started, I was sooo optimistic. I thought I would surely get PG on our 1st or Second IUI...Then I thought ok by our fifth.

When none of that happened, the depression and failure feeling was intense.

I wish someone had said, this is likely NOT going to work. I would have had some caution in how I felt I think.

I think optimism is 100% NEEDED...it sends positive vibes out there, but you have to have a back up what if plan I think to help you through the failure. Not sure if that makes sense.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Sorry, I have to agree with the counselor. Optimism is nice, but reality is much more important.

Just look at how many of us are STILL here -3,4,5 years later. It's nice to be all optimistic, but the reality is that it may not work. There are many girls here who "just" have MF, PCOS or a blocked tube...and they are STILL here.
I'm not trying to be negative, it's just a reality.
The counselor is doing her job, making you aware that this isn't going to just fix things automatically.

And guess what, even if you get PG - there's still no guarantee...look at me. I was in the "safe zone", nothing should have happened at 5 months...we were cruising along, planning for our son who was perfect....and boom! out of nowhere, my cervix opens up.


There are no easy fixes in this world and while being optimistic is nice..I have a strong feeling you were/are all gung ho like there is no way this isn't going to work..and her job is to make you aware that the reality is, it might not work.

You want to be cautiously optimistic...that is key.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I totally agree with Gerty.

I am always realistic when it comes to IF........all the advances in technology and there is still a need for an IF board????

I Totally understand why she would want you to understand that not everything works out as planned. It also is easier said than done, to say that we will only try for X amount of times and then move on..........That is probably a harder decision to make than to deside if IVF is something you want to do.

I think she was just trying to prepare you and let you know nothing is a guarantee.

Message edited 5/28/2008 8:15:56 AM.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I have to agree with Gerty here. There are just no guarantees with IF - it's such a mysterious, delicate balance of factors that, even if you have a true diagnosis, it doesn't mean that anything will work. Look at me - my only diagnosis is Hostile CM - I had no problem conceiving my first child and here I am a year and a half later, two IUI's, and nada. Yes, of course I was optimistic with the IUI's, but I had a large dose of reality intermixed in there, to remain balanced and focused. Optimisim alone can get you into some really deep, emotional trouble if the plan doesn't work out.

For myself, I like to stay right in the middle - I always have faith and an understanding that one day, I will have another child, whether by IUI, IVF or adoption, I will have another child, and that is the optimism that gets me through this whole mess. But, I stay focused on the reality that each month is one little step, that might just not work, even if statistics are on our side. Understanding that helps me see the larger picture - this whole journey is a process, and if this month doesn't work, it's ok, because there's next month, and the month after that.

I guess I"m saying, I don't ever give up hope and faith. But I don't bank all my optimism and hope and faith into one procedure or one cycle. I recognize and understand this is a journey, and for some, quite possibly me, a very, very long, emotional and expensive journey.

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I think you need a dose of both. It is important to be realistic about the procedures we go through, but at the same time there is no way to go through all of it if we constantly have a pessimistic attitiude. I think we need to set our boudaries and know how far we are willing to go. To me that is realism. To say "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, because I know no matter what I am going to give birth to a healthy baby," is not being realistic.
I once read in a book that if you want to be a mom, then you will be a mom someday. It may be naturally, it may be through IUI or IVF, or it may be your adopted child or even a foster child. I think we all need to be realistic about our situations but at the same time be optimistic about what our future holds.

We all have our down days and we all know deep down inside that it might not work. But to go into every new thing with a pessimistic attitude certainly isn't going to help the situation, either.

I know there are many women who have gone through so much to get to that goal, and have not seen the finish line. And I can understand how as time goes by that can cause hope to be lost. But I think it is natural for women who are just starting out to to venture into this journey with hope. And I don't see anything wrong with that, as long as hope is balanced with reality.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

When I had my first IVF, I was so SURE that it would work -- in my mind, there was no reason at all it shouldn't have taken. After all, I still have eggs, DH has sperm, if they remove my eggs and join it with his sperm, how can it NOT work? I was BEYOND crushed and reality smacked me right in the face when it was unsucessful.

I think a positive attitude is GREAT (and that is something that I am working on, since I was so pessimistic after my last 2 failures), but I always have it in the back of my mind that it won't work......I feel like this way, I won't be AS crushed as I was.....if that makes sense.....

Message edited 5/28/2008 8:49:24 AM.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I also have to agree 100% with Gerty and the counselor. I'm in a postive and optimistic frame of mind, but I am totally realistic about our chances to have a baby. We went into our first IVF, wide eyed and extreamly hopeful, but at the same time we kept in the front of our minds something my RE said to us when it came time to move to IVF. He told us not to look at the first IVF as the one that is going to get me pregnant, but to look at it as a learning experience for what is going on with my body and my eggs, and how the embryos grew once they were fertlized with ICSI.

While I did get pregnant from my first IVF which didn't last, they learned alot from that cycle, which helped my second cycle to be a much better cycle then the first. This time around, my DH and I have an entirely different attitude about the whole thing. We are still optimistic, but we are looking at this alot more realisitically then we did the last time.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Message edited 11/22/2010 11:36:57 AM.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I am a pessimist by nature and I tend to harp on the odds stacked against me (my age, 2 chemical pregnancies, 5 failed IUI's, etc.) so I could use a dose of optimism from you Mrs. Messina.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

IMO, you need to be optimistic in order to go through all of this. But, at the same time, you need to see the reality of what if it doesn't work and you need to have a plan. I think you have a nice balance of all of this and that's what is important.

So, to answer your question, no, there is nothing wrong with being optimistic about a cycle as long as you know, most couples only have a 50-50 chance with IVF each time and you can land on either side of that.

I don't think optimism takes away from reality but it can cloud it a little. And, remember, anything can happen at any time. Good and bad.

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I think you need a dose of both. When we did IVF part of me was hopeful and optimistic but another part of me was telling myself to prepare for the worst just in case it didn't work. I don't count my chickens before they hatch. We were "good" candidates for IVF...young with MF with ICSI could easily bypass. Even so my RE only gave us a 50/50 chance.

Even after my BFP I was still cautious...until the day DD was born. It kind of sucks to have to be like that but suffering from IF, knowing my Mom had a stillborn baby boy at 9 months, my cousin had IC and lost her baby girl at 19 weeks.....all of this just made me more cautious and even more grateful for each milestone I passed.

IF is something I will never try to understand. You have some with "minor" issues that look like great candidates for IVF and still don't get pregnant on the first or second round then you have others that look like poor candidates and it works on the first time or they end up getting pregnant naturally. Who knows........

The one thing that kept me strong was my faith in God and knowing that whatever the outcome He still had a plan for me and he would see me through whatever path I had to walk down on.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

not sure what I feel here, so i removed my post.

Message edited 5/28/2008 12:55:45 PM.

Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I guess I feel differently. To me what is the difference of being optimistic and getting let down or being realistic and being let down? To me nothing-except you worried and obsessed when you could have just thought..this will work out how it should and it is beyond my control.

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Re: Optimism vs. Reality?

I think you should definately keep your positive optimistic attitude. The power of positive thinking is amazing. I also know u are a very well educated and researched person on this topic (from getting to know u through these posts) I can understand if u were on your 20th IVF cycle or something crazy like that but... u r just about to do your 1st! It took us over 4 years to get preggy and every cd 1 I was a miserable mess but.... i picked myself up, did some yoga to calm myself and jumped back on the horse. of course we always talked about if NONE of our options worked, then we would adopt or just be happy as husband and wife. As long as you have plans, back ups etc and not 100% rely on 1 method. Good luck and keep smiling.
Keep us posted!

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Why cant you be an optimistic realist? Reality is you ahve a 50/50 shot, be optimistic about what 50 you'll be in.

I was a 29 year old mom of a 2 year old when I started this with MF as a diagnosis. With ICSI my odds were outstanding. I was so optimistic, but I knew the odds (which were in my favor). That first BFN, BAM!!!! it hits you. A little reality helped me prepare for it. The next 4 BFNs just as bad, reality helped get me through.

I think the counselor is right to get you thinking about it and talking about it with your partner now. Its a long fall when you get that BFN, in case it has to happen to you, better to be prepared.