Need opinions-long

Ok, my bff has been trying to conceive without luck..I told her i was preggo back in October, and since then she has not seen me....She told me if she sees me she will cry. I have given her her space and have left her alone. Its kind of sad, but we really don't have much of a friendship anymore. She cannot be friends with anyone who has kids or who is pregnant.

Fast foward to my shower which will be April 12...i emailed her and told her in a gentle way that i would not be offended if she does not come to the shower (which is the truth)...

She didn't seem to be annoyed by that, but mentioned that she might want to bring her Aunt for moral support. And she said (over email), that she didn't think i'd mind!!!

First of all the truth is i'd prefer if she isn't there, not to be selfish, but its my day and its going to stress me out knowing how miserable she is (i also haven't seen her since October)..and secondly, at 35 years old i think its crazy for her to have to bring her Aunt for moral support..Not to mention, that my mom will have to pay for an extra person, which is not really nice.

Any thoughts?

Re: Need opinions-long

hmmm I kind of feel for her but also she kind of needs to also realize that its you rmoment right now. I had a slightly similar issue my best friend since babyhood's older sister got pregnant and had a miscarriage, I became pregnant a month later and was terrified to tell their family who I am extrememly close with because I didn't want to hurt her but she was thrilled for me. They then tried for almost 6 months and I felt bad every time I mentioned my baby and the pregnancy but she's been great and supporting me and now she's also pregnant!!!!!
I can understand she might be sad at first but if she is really your friend she should be happy for you as well.

Re: Need opinions-long

there is no reason she should need to bring her aunt... good luck

Re: Need opinions-long

I have a friend that has been trying for over 6 years and she recently went through her last (last because the doctor's told her that they can no longer help her) in-vitro. She went to my shower and it meant the world to me that she was there....she did cry when she arrived but our mutual friends were there for her...once she got that initial cry out she was fine and even participated in the games.

That said...

I understand why she said she needs to someone there for support. It doesn't matter how old she is...the pain that she is feeling is one that we can never even attempt to understand. And by her going to your shower, even though it hurts her, its her way of being there for you because she loves you...

HTH

Re: Need opinions-long

Posted by LovingLife


I understand why she said she needs to someone there for support. It doesn't matter how old she is...the pain that she is feeling is one that we can never even attempt to understand. And by her going to your shower, even though it hurts her, its her way of being there for you because she loves you...

HTH

Re: Need opinions-long

Well first off I'm sorry that she pretty muched stopping hanging around you because you got pregnant. I find that to be selfish on her part. Don't get me wrong, I feel for her and have friends in similar situations, but if the roles were reversed would you have done that to her?

I personally feel that if she will be miserable the whole time, she shouldn't come at all.

edited for poor grammar

Message edited 2/14/2008 3:26:01 PM.

Re: Need opinions-long

thanks for the opinions...i truly feel for her and her situation....but i really didn't think she'd react this badly. I thought she would just need a month or two. She was my maid of honor, a friend of 30 years, and really more lke a sister, since we both have brothers.

I have two friends that are in there 30's and single, and i can't help but feel even more badly for them....They both also want kids and can't even find a decent guy to date!!!! My friend that is trying to conceive has so much going for her, her husband is her best friend and he adores her. She is healthy, and she has only been trying for one year, the doctors also have found nothing wrong with her or her husband, so she still has a good chance of conceiving.

Re: Need opinions-long

Re: Need opinions-long

since i have never been thru IF i can't really comment on her behavior... although i can tell you that in the three short months it took me to get PG i felt like everyone around me was PG and i cried every time someone on the TTC board got a BFP.

at this point, if you really want to try and save this friendship, i would let her bring her aunt, although i can't imagine how having someone for moral support would help - but, again, i've never been in her shoes.

if you're not interested in really having her as a friend anymore, or working that hard at it (and i think anyone would understand if you weren't) then i would tell her that your mom is in charge of the shower and has a strict guest list that she is not letting you add to.

Re: Need opinions-long

Honestly, I would let her bring her aunt and let that be that. Her aunt being there will not take away from you and if this is what she needs to get through it then I think you should either a) give her an out (since you know it's a difficult occasion for her) or b) not make a big deal about the aunt.
Hey, I'm sure the aunt will bring a gift for you too

Seriously though - it's such a difficult situation and just too personal to begin to evaluate someone else's reaction to such an occasion.

If you know this is difficult for her and she's offering to compromise by being there but with support, I think you should meet her halfway.

Re: Need opinions-long

x

Message edited 2/14/2008 3:12:18 PM.

Re: Need opinions-long

Maybe I do see it as her being a little selfish. But if she is as good of a friend as you say she is to you than personally, whatever it would take to get her there and be part of my special day I would go for. If it means bringing her aunt than so be it. It would be more important to me to have her there than not. JMO

Re: Need opinions-long

Re: Need opinions-long

Message edited 2/14/2008 3:27:27 PM.

Re: Need opinions-long

Posted by LovingLife

I have a friend that has been trying for over 6 years and she recently went through her last (last because the doctor's told her that they can no longer help her) in-vitro. She went to my shower and it meant the world to me that she was there....she did cry when she arrived but our mutual friends were there for her...once she got that initial cry out she was fine and even participated in the games.

That said...

I understand why she said she needs to someone there for support. It doesn't matter how old she is...the pain that she is feeling is one that we can never even attempt to understand. And by her going to your shower, even though it hurts her, its her way of being there for you because she loves you...

HTH

Re: Need opinions-long

I say be the better person and let her bring her aunt if it makes her feel more comfortable! Also, when you talk to her on the phone or email.. try to focus on other topics beside your baby or pregnancy ( I know that can be hard for us preggos... but thats what good friends do). Its not worth ruining what seems to be a very special friendship! Hope it works out.

Re: Need opinions-long

I think that if you want to maintain the friendship through this rough time,in my opinion, it would be best to allow her to bring the aunt. She is making the effort to come even though it is hard for her and that says something about her desire to be there on your special day, despite her own issues.

Re: Need opinions-long

I think if she were going to be that miserable to be there, she wouldn't come. I think paying for the aunt is a small price to pay in order to be sensitive to a friend who is trying to be there for you while experiencing something very painful for her.

As the mother to be, I barely remember much from my shower but opening gifts, I was way too preoccupied to focus on what one person might have been feeling. In the end, you are not going to look back on your shower and be annoyed that the aunt was there, but you may regret that your friend wasn't.

Message edited 2/14/2008 3:29:55 PM.

Re: Need opinions-long

Re: Need opinions-long

I feel for her, I really do, but there is no reason for her to bring her aunt!

Re: Need opinions-long

I'm blessed that I've never had to deal with IF. Just TTC'ing was stressful enough.... and I got a BFP within 2 months. I cannot even imagine the stress and pain of trying a long time (and perhaps being diagnosed with some major IF issue). Like another poster mentioned, during that brief time I was TTC'ing, I saw babies and pregnant women EVERYWHERE... and I felt bad, becuase I was visited by AF.

I have complete empathy for her. I also see the silver lining in this incident. She is completely distraught over her situation.... YET is going to walk into a baby shower.... just becuase she loves you and wants so celebrate your pregnancy.

That's a big thing for someone who is emotionally broken at the moment. If it were me, I'd let her bring whomever she wants with her......

Re: Need opinions-long

As someone currently dealing with IF, I can tell you that it is the most difficullt and painful thing I have ever had to deal with. Please be understanding of your friend.

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As someone who has dealt with IF for almost 4 years, I say she is being a wonderful friend for attending the shower.

You have no idea how hard it is to see pregnant people or women with babies while dealing with IF. It's even worse if you have unexplained IF.

She is trying to be your friend first - please realize how hard this is for her and try to understand that she needs the support of her aunt (everyone else is going to be caught up in the shower) and is totally not trying to steal your thunder or be miserable at your shower.



ETA: Age is no factor in this fight...actually it's worse as you get older because your chances of success decrease. I know, I'm 42 and it got harder and harder as the years went by.

Message edited 2/14/2008 7:36:11 PM.

Re: Need opinions-long

I think she really wants to be there for you. Anyone esle could have said they couldn't go, but she really wants to be there. I say, let her bring her Aunt (she'll probably bring a gift for your baby anyway) . I feel bad for your friend, I can't imagine going through that. most importantly, have fun at your shower! this is a small thing

Re: Need opinions-long

I can understand that it is hard on your friend but I don't understand why she needs to bring her aunt. To me that means she is going to be miserable and it might be better off if she just doesn't come. I know what it's like to deal with even the possibility of infertility but she might not even have a problem. She's been trying for a year and it's not like she's had to go to a specialist. So personally I think that as someone who has been your friend for over 30 years she should be able to handle going to your shower on her own. This day is not about her, it's about you and your bff should know that.

But I've also learned now as being a parent for 3 years that children change friendships drastically and sometimes it is for the worse. That may be what's happening to you and your friend. It's a hard call to make because really your friendship might be totally affected by it.