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Living together before married/engaged?
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angnick
Life is So Wonderful!
Member since 8/06 6663 total posts
Name:
Angela
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
We didnt. Our first night living together was our wedding night!!!
It was good and it wasnt..
I would highly recommend living together before you get married. I have seen couples fall apart when they move in together and they just cant quite sort it out.
Dh and i were lucky, we worked through everything and we are just fine now.. we enjoy living with each other. we made our living space ours..
Tips: Lots of compromise!!!
We have learned to take care of each other which is wonderful!
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Posted 4/9/08 12:09 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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MetsGirl07
LIF O2 Vendor
Member since 12/07 16202 total posts
Name:
Deanna
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
we lived together for a year before we got engaged... it was actually the best thing we ever did.. we got to really see what it was like and how we got along..etc.. and prepared ourselves!
so when we got married we just take it where we left off!
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| Posted 4/9/08 12:46 PM |
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DandS
We are so blessed!!
Member since 1/07 1951 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
DH and I did not live together before getting married so I don't know first hand, however I would think your only major hurdle would be what your family might say. Other than that, I think some people need to live together before marriage. They need to find out about each other first before they take the next step. DH and I were best friends for 6 years before we dated, and then dated 7 years, so I knew everything I needed to know; that was the only reason why I decided to stay with my parents until the wedding day then move in with my DH in our house.
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| Posted 4/9/08 12:53 PM |
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J9-13
We're gonna be big sisters!
Member since 6/06 14887 total posts
Name:
J9
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
DH and I moved in together 4 months after getting engaged. We had wanted to live together sooner, but being that I was 21 when we got engaged (we were already together 4 years by then), I didn't think my parents would be so willing to let me go before then. 
I think it was the best decision for us. We were able to get into our routines and get used to each others ways which made is soooo easy on us when we got married.
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| Posted 4/9/08 1:22 PM |
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imagin916
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 1826 total posts
Name:
Valerie
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
This is JMO, but out of the people I know moved in together, many had a good outcome but more people didn't. My cousin moved into with her bf of 4 years and he dumped her and kicked her out of his house after she was paying half the mortgage and furnished that whole place. She had no right to reimbursement because they were not married or engaged. I have seen instances where the guy is in no rush to get engaged or married because now he has his cake and eat it too. I personally would not live with someone unless we were shopping for rings because I dont have another 3 years to waste. Every individual is different, and you have to make that decision on your own, this is JMO. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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| Posted 4/10/08 12:26 PM |
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LisaW
Time for me to FLY!
Member since 5/05 13199 total posts
Name:
Did I ever tell you that I hate people?
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
We moved in together a couple of months before the wedding
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| Posted 4/10/08 12:28 PM |
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Kara
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Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by imagin916
This is JMO, but out of the people I know moved in together, many had a good outcome but more people didn't. My cousin moved into with her bf of 4 years and he dumped her and kicked her out of his house after she was paying half the mortgage and furnished that whole place. She had no right to reimbursement because they were not married or engaged. I have seen instances where the guy is in no rush to get engaged or married because now he has his cake and eat it too. I personally would not live with someone unless we were shopping for rings because I dont have another 3 years to waste. Every individual is different, and you have to make that decision on your own, this is JMO. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Your cousin wouldn't have been entitled to reimbursement if she was engaged and likely wouldn't be entitled to full reimbursement even if they were married. I'm not convinced reimbursement in this situation where they were living together would be appropriate, anyway. She was living there, right? Isn't that sort of like paying rent? If I had a roommate at my house paying rent, she wouldn't get reimbursed when she left because I own the house. As for the furnishings, if she did pay for them or half of them, she does have a right to them (or half their value).
Poor financial and legal decisions can be made with or without a ring on your finger. My friend is engaged and will be married in a few months. Her fiance is buying a house only in his name and will close before they are married. He refuses to put her name on the title or mortgage, but she will pay a share of the mortgage. If something were to happen to them and they divorced, she'll have no right to the house, as it won't be considered marital property. She might be entitled to some of what she put into the house, but likely not all or even most of that.
I think this is a very personal decision and support anyone making the informed, intelligent, right decision for them -- regardless of what they choose.
For those who have posted statistics, here's another way to look at them: Link. I just think it's interesting. Also, if you do some research, you'll find that in France, you're LESS likely to get divorced if you cohabitate and after the seventh anniversary in the US, couples who lived together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
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| Posted 4/10/08 1:20 PM |
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PreshusSmurf
So in love with my little guys
Member since 1/07 2963 total posts
Name:
Jess
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by Kara
Posted by imagin916
This is JMO, but out of the people I know moved in together, many had a good outcome but more people didn't. My cousin moved into with her bf of 4 years and he dumped her and kicked her out of his house after she was paying half the mortgage and furnished that whole place. She had no right to reimbursement because they were not married or engaged. I have seen instances where the guy is in no rush to get engaged or married because now he has his cake and eat it too. I personally would not live with someone unless we were shopping for rings because I dont have another 3 years to waste. Every individual is different, and you have to make that decision on your own, this is JMO. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Your cousin wouldn't have been entitled to reimbursement if she was engaged and likely wouldn't be entitled to full reimbursement even if they were married. I'm not convinced reimbursement in this situation where they were living together would be appropriate, anyway. She was living there, right? Isn't that sort of like paying rent? If I had a roommate at my house paying rent, she wouldn't get reimbursed when she left because I own the house. As for the furnishings, if she did pay for them or half of them, she does have a right to them (or half their value).
Poor financial and legal decisions can be made with or without a ring on your finger. My friend is engaged and will be married in a few months. Her fiance is buying a house only in his name and will close before they are married. He refuses to put her name on the title or mortgage, but she will pay a share of the mortgage. If something were to happen to them and they divorced, she'll have no right to the house, as it won't be considered marital property. She might be entitled to some of what she put into the house, but likely not all or even most of that.
I think this is a very personal decision and support anyone making the informed, intelligent, right decision for them -- regardless of what they choose.
For those who have posted statistics, here's another way to look at them: Link. I just think it's interesting. Also, if you do some research, you'll find that in France, you're LESS likely to get divorced if you cohabitate and after the seventh anniversary in the US, couples who lived together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
Thank you for posting this Kara 
Message edited 4/10/2008 1:27:36 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/08 1:24 PM |
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imagin916
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 1826 total posts
Name:
Valerie
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by Kara
Posted by imagin916
This is JMO, but out of the people I know moved in together, many had a good outcome but more people didn't. My cousin moved into with her bf of 4 years and he dumped her and kicked her out of his house after she was paying half the mortgage and furnished that whole place. She had no right to reimbursement because they were not married or engaged. I have seen instances where the guy is in no rush to get engaged or married because now he has his cake and eat it too. I personally would not live with someone unless we were shopping for rings because I dont have another 3 years to waste. Every individual is different, and you have to make that decision on your own, this is JMO. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Your cousin wouldn't have been entitled to reimbursement if she was engaged and likely wouldn't be entitled to full reimbursement even if they were married. I'm not convinced reimbursement in this situation where they were living together would be appropriate, anyway. She was living there, right? Isn't that sort of like paying rent? If I had a roommate at my house paying rent, she wouldn't get reimbursed when she left because I own the house. As for the furnishings, if she did pay for them or half of them, she does have a right to them (or half their value).
Poor financial and legal decisions can be made with or without a ring on your finger. My friend is engaged and will be married in a few months. Her fiance is buying a house only in his name and will close before they are married. He refuses to put her name on the title or mortgage, but she will pay a share of the mortgage. If something were to happen to them and they divorced, she'll have no right to the house, as it won't be considered marital property. She might be entitled to some of what she put into the house, but likely not all or even most of that.
I think this is a very personal decision and support anyone making the informed, intelligent, right decision for them -- regardless of what they choose.
For those who have posted statistics, here's another way to look at them: Link. I just think it's interesting. Also, if you do some research, you'll find that in France, you're LESS likely to get divorced if you cohabitate and after the seventh anniversary in the US, couples who lived together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
I see what you are saying, but I don't think its the same as renting. I mean, if you are going to pay into a mortgage where you get some equity out of it and the property isn't yours, that is a waste of money IMO. Her parents furnished that entire house and he didn't offer to give her the furniture back or pay for it. That is wrong. At least if you are married and he does something like what this guy did to my cousin, you have legal recourse. If you are just dating you have none.
I think more importantly, women tend to see living with a man as a step towards marriage, but the truth is, a lot of times guys don't see it that way. The girl is sitting there thinking oh we are living together, the ring must be coming soon, when the guy may not have that in mind for a long time or ever. I know some guys who lived or currently live with thier gf, and have no intention of ever proposing. Any girl who thinks that its a sure thing that they will get engaged because they live with the guy is fooling herself.
As far as the person you are talking about not adding his wife's name to the house after marriage even though she is going to be paying? That is a bad sign, especially since he is just closing on the house a short time before marriage, not like he had the house for years and has it almost paid off and then adding her to it. If I was that girl, he would be out on his azz, no way would I marry him  Besides, if they do stay married for a long time and if the house is not in her name, it isnt a guarantee for him either that she will get none of the house. She may be entitled to some of it, so he is stupid thinking that he is totally protected.
ETA: I am not saying that people shouldn't live together before marriage, to each his own, but not to go into it blindly. I know there has been articles and such out there that the divorce rate is not higher, but I wonder what the data is on couples who live together how many wind up actually getting married vs. those who don't?
Message edited 4/10/2008 2:21:34 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:13 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by PreshusSmurf
Posted by Kara
Your cousin wouldn't have been entitled to reimbursement if she was engaged and likely wouldn't be entitled to full reimbursement even if they were married. I'm not convinced reimbursement in this situation where they were living together would be appropriate, anyway. She was living there, right? Isn't that sort of like paying rent? If I had a roommate at my house paying rent, she wouldn't get reimbursed when she left because I own the house. As for the furnishings, if she did pay for them or half of them, she does have a right to them (or half their value).
Poor financial and legal decisions can be made with or without a ring on your finger. My friend is engaged and will be married in a few months. Her fiance is buying a house only in his name and will close before they are married. He refuses to put her name on the title or mortgage, but she will pay a share of the mortgage. If something were to happen to them and they divorced, she'll have no right to the house, as it won't be considered marital property. She might be entitled to some of what she put into the house, but likely not all or even most of that.
I think this is a very personal decision and support anyone making the informed, intelligent, right decision for them -- regardless of what they choose.
For those who have posted statistics, here's another way to look at them: Link. I just think it's interesting. Also, if you do some research, you'll find that in France, you're LESS likely to get divorced if you cohabitate and after the seventh anniversary in the US, couples who lived together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
Thank you for posting this Kara
The article doesn't list any reasons or data that disputes the fact that there is a correlation between living together before marriage and higher divorce rates. As with any study there are factors other than living together that may be at play with the higher divorce rate, and it points out that "People who choose to marry without first cohabitating are already a different group of people than those who decide to cohabitate first.," with different values. Correlation does not equal causation, but if you find a high enough correlation between one condition and a result, that does mean that there is a significant difference between the other group, and this group.
Most research does not have the perfect conditions of random assignments of subjects with all other variables being exactly equal. It rarely happens in psychology or in any other research that occurs outside of a lab. I do data-driven research, and pretty much all of my results say there is a correlation between x and y. Why? Well, there are many, many factors, but the first step is to see that correlation.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:18 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
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They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by imagin916
I see what you are saying, but I don't think its the same as renting. I mean, if you are going to pay into a mortgage where you get some equity out of it and the property isn't yours, that is a waste of money IMO. Her parents furnished that entire house and he didn't offer to give her the furniture back or pay for it. That is wrong. At least if you are married and he does something like what this guy did to my cousin, you have legal recourse. If you are just dating you have none.
Someone owns the apartment buildings people rent. A lot of that rent goes toward paying the mortgages, taxes, and other expenses on those properties.  So, in a lot of ways, it is like renting.
You are misinformed about your friend's legal rights. If that furnature was a gift to her alone or paid for by her, then she does in fact have legal recourse to get it back. If it was a gift to both her and her ex-boyfriend, then she has legal recourse to get some of it back. Just because she has not chosen to exercise her legal rights does not mean that they do not exist.
And I was using my friend as an example of someone making a really, really poor financial and legal decision while engaged and soon-to-be married. My point was that even with the commitment, you can still make bad legal and financial decisions. I wouldn't marry him either. Then again, my DH and I believe strongly in joint finances. Others have different arrangements. My friend's decisions are not mine to make. I offer advice when she wants it, but I believe in letting other people make their own decisions and mistakes as long as they are informed and know what they're getting into. I can't force my opinion on her.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:21 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by nov04libride
Posted by PreshusSmurf
Posted by Kara
Your cousin wouldn't have been entitled to reimbursement if she was engaged and likely wouldn't be entitled to full reimbursement even if they were married. I'm not convinced reimbursement in this situation where they were living together would be appropriate, anyway. She was living there, right? Isn't that sort of like paying rent? If I had a roommate at my house paying rent, she wouldn't get reimbursed when she left because I own the house. As for the furnishings, if she did pay for them or half of them, she does have a right to them (or half their value).
Poor financial and legal decisions can be made with or without a ring on your finger. My friend is engaged and will be married in a few months. Her fiance is buying a house only in his name and will close before they are married. He refuses to put her name on the title or mortgage, but she will pay a share of the mortgage. If something were to happen to them and they divorced, she'll have no right to the house, as it won't be considered marital property. She might be entitled to some of what she put into the house, but likely not all or even most of that.
I think this is a very personal decision and support anyone making the informed, intelligent, right decision for them -- regardless of what they choose.
For those who have posted statistics, here's another way to look at them: Link. I just think it's interesting. Also, if you do some research, you'll find that in France, you're LESS likely to get divorced if you cohabitate and after the seventh anniversary in the US, couples who lived together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
Thank you for posting this Kara
The article doesn't list any reasons or data that disputes the fact that there is a correlation between living together before marriage and higher divorce rates. As with any study there are factors other than living together that may be at play with the higher divorce rate, and it points out that "People who choose to marry without first cohabitating are already a different group of people than those who decide to cohabitate first.," with different values. Correlation does not equal causation, but if you find a high enough correlation between one condition and a result, that does mean that there is a significant difference between the other group, and this group.
Most research does not have the perfect conditions of random assignments of subjects with all other variables being exactly equal. It rarely happens in psychology or in any other research that occurs outside of a lab. I do data-driven research, and pretty much all of my results say there is a correlation between x and y. Why? Well, there are many, many factors, but the first step is to see that correlation.
I never said it proved the data wrong. I was actually posting the article to show exactly what you just said -- the numbers don't tell the entire story.
As I've said multiple times on this thread already, this is a personal decision that only the couple can make. I don't judge anyone for living together first or for waiting until they are married. What works for me works for me. That's no guarantee it'll work for someone else.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:24 PM |
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BunnyWife
Insert Witty Comment Here
Member since 5/07 8274 total posts
Name:
BunnyWife
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
we dated for about 3 months and then I moved in to DH's apt. We got engaged 6 months after that and married the following April. We never had any problems and we had both lived on our own for years. Our one year anniversary is next monday
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:24 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by Kara
I never said it proved the data wrong. I was actually posting the article to show exactly what you just said -- the numbers don't tell the entire story.
As I've said multiple times on this thread already, this is a personal decision that only the couple can make. I don't judge anyone for living together first or for waiting until they are married. What works for me works for me. That's no guarantee it'll work for someone else.
Ahhh gotcha, I misunderstood.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:26 PM |
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bicosi
life is a carousel
Member since 7/07 14956 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by imagin916
Posted by Kara
Posted by imagin916
This is JMO, but out of the people I know moved in together, many had a good outcome but more people didn't. My cousin moved into with her bf of 4 years and he dumped her and kicked her out of his house after she was paying half the mortgage and furnished that whole place. She had no right to reimbursement because they were not married or engaged. I have seen instances where the guy is in no rush to get engaged or married because now he has his cake and eat it too. I personally would not live with someone unless we were shopping for rings because I dont have another 3 years to waste. Every individual is different, and you have to make that decision on your own, this is JMO. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Your cousin wouldn't have been entitled to reimbursement if she was engaged and likely wouldn't be entitled to full reimbursement even if they were married. I'm not convinced reimbursement in this situation where they were living together would be appropriate, anyway. She was living there, right? Isn't that sort of like paying rent? If I had a roommate at my house paying rent, she wouldn't get reimbursed when she left because I own the house. As for the furnishings, if she did pay for them or half of them, she does have a right to them (or half their value).
Poor financial and legal decisions can be made with or without a ring on your finger. My friend is engaged and will be married in a few months. Her fiance is buying a house only in his name and will close before they are married. He refuses to put her name on the title or mortgage, but she will pay a share of the mortgage. If something were to happen to them and they divorced, she'll have no right to the house, as it won't be considered marital property. She might be entitled to some of what she put into the house, but likely not all or even most of that.
I think this is a very personal decision and support anyone making the informed, intelligent, right decision for them -- regardless of what they choose.
For those who have posted statistics, here's another way to look at them: Link. I just think it's interesting. Also, if you do some research, you'll find that in France, you're LESS likely to get divorced if you cohabitate and after the seventh anniversary in the US, couples who lived together before marriage are no more likely to divorce than those who did not live together.
ETA: I am not saying that people shouldn't live together before marriage, to each his own, but not to go into it blindly. I know there has been articles and such out there that the divorce rate is not higher, but I wonder what the data is on couples who live together how many wind up actually getting married vs. those who don't?
That is exactly why for me, it was best that we live together before we married. I would have never forgiven myself if we went through all the notions of getting engaged, planning a wedding and getting married, only to have it fail because we couldn't live together because of differences that we wouldn't have been made aware about unless we lived together first. 
Message edited 4/10/2008 2:28:08 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:27 PM |
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imagin916
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 1826 total posts
Name:
Valerie
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by Kara
Posted by imagin916
I see what you are saying, but I don't think its the same as renting. I mean, if you are going to pay into a mortgage where you get some equity out of it and the property isn't yours, that is a waste of money IMO. Her parents furnished that entire house and he didn't offer to give her the furniture back or pay for it. That is wrong. At least if you are married and he does something like what this guy did to my cousin, you have legal recourse. If you are just dating you have none.
Someone owns the apartment buildings people rent. A lot of that rent goes toward paying the mortgages, taxes, and other expenses on those properties. So, in a lot of ways, it is like renting.
You are misinformed about your friend's legal rights. If that furnature was a gift to her alone or paid for by her, then she does in fact have legal recourse to get it back. If it was a gift to both her and her ex-boyfriend, then she has legal recourse to get some of it back. Just because she has not chosen to exercise her legal rights does not mean that they do not exist.
And I was using my friend as an example of someone making a really, really poor financial and legal decision while engaged and soon-to-be married. My point was that even with the commitment, you can still make bad legal and financial decisions. I wouldn't marry him either. Then again, my DH and I believe strongly in joint finances. Others have different arrangements. My friend's decisions are not mine to make. I offer advice when she wants it, but I believe in letting other people make their own decisions and mistakes as long as they are informed and know what they're getting into. I can't force my opinion on her.
I am not against what you are saying, I am not trying to argue with you at all, I hope its not coming across that way, but its hard to determine "tone" online you know? I agree that people can make stupid financial decisions no matter what, but at least if the people are married than you have some protection. You didn't pay into a mortgage for years with nothing to show for it, as an example. My cousin probably could sue for the furniture, but who has the time to go to court 100 times over it. I still feel like its different paying a landlord than paying someones mortgage for them, but that is just how I feel.
I am not against people living together at all, I just think that its not always the best solution for everyone, and that many women go into it with much different expectations than men do. Everyone has to examine his/her own situation, figure out what works for them.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:28 PM |
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MeNBobs
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Member since 4/07 3765 total posts
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
We didn't live together until after the wedding. I am glad we chose to do things this way. It made getting married that much more exciting and I looked forward to setting up our home together and minor adjustments along the way.
Before DH and I were married I also thought about if things between us did not work out. Who wants to go through the mess of splitting up an apartment plus when i was dating and would meet guys it was a turn off to here they had lived with 3-4 girls before me.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:29 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
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Me
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by bicosi
That is exactly why for me, it was best that we live together before we married. I would have never forgiven myself if we went through all the notions of getting engaged, planning a wedding and getting married, only to have it fail because we couldn't live together because of differences that we wouldn't have been made aware about unless we lived together first.
I've thought about this a lot, because we chose not to live together before the wedding, but I cannot imagine the differences that I would have found out by living with him that would have made me divorce him, and that I didn't know before. Maybe if I found the crack stash that he managed to hide from me the seven years we dated, or found the rolodex of the other women he was dating...Seriously though, to me when I said my vows, that was serious, and short of a huge issue, we were going to make it work whatever the differences were. So he doesn't close the bathroom door, or sometimes leaves dishes out, or snores when he has a cold...All of these things I knew from sleeping over before we got married, and would never have been a deal breaker. We knew our stances on finances, children, family, drugs, etc., and to me those are the big issues.
I know it works out for some people, and that's great. But I can't see any problems from living together that would make me divorce him (and maybe that's because my DH is easy to live with! but if he was so difficult to live with that i would divorce him, i think i would have known that before marrying him).
Message edited 4/10/2008 2:38:39 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:36 PM |
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Kara
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
While we did live together before we were married, I can't say that anything could have come up when we were living together that would have led to divorce if we didn't live together first. It worked for us just b/c it worked for us -- I don't feel I got any extra benefit out of living together first that I couldn't live without, nor do I feel that our wedding night or marriage was any less exciting and wonderful because we did live together first.
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| Posted 4/10/08 2:47 PM |
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NinaLemon
It's a boy!!!
Member since 10/07 6453 total posts
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by Kara
While we did live together before we were married, I can't say that anything could have come up when we were living together that would have led to divorce if we didn't live together first. It worked for us just b/c it worked for us -- I don't feel I got any extra benefit out of living together first that I couldn't live without, nor do I feel that our wedding night or marriage was any less exciting and wonderful because we did live together first.
I agree, for us, there were not any major hurtles (obviously we are married now) we decided to live together as a financial decision, we knew we were going to get married and wanted to buy a house, we could save more if there was only one apt to maintain. We ended up buying the house before we even got engaged - a little backwards to the taste of most, but to us we already had a commitment and wanted to buy when the market was right. We didn't have to rush out and get married to prove we were ready to buy a house together.
There are a few things I find interesting in this thread, one being the "why buy the cow if can get the milk for free" idea - this really seems like a lack of trust to me, if moving in together means this is a committed or lifelong relationship, shouldn't you trust that the other person is offering you a commitment. To say I won't live with you until you give me a ring, seems like a ultimatum and a lack of trust in your love for each other. If I had to somehow force my DH to marry me, I would not want to be in that relationship.
The other thing I find interesting is, "I know someone who did it and it didn't work out". First, that is a good thing, find out before you get married that you aren't compatible, it makes the break up much easier. My second thought on this is, was the relationship that rocky to begin with, should they have moved into together or did they just like the idea of 'playing house'
As previous posters have said it is a decision which can only be made by the individual couple.
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| Posted 4/10/08 3:04 PM |
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bicosi
life is a carousel
Member since 7/07 14956 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by NinaLemon
Posted by Kara
While we did live together before we were married, I can't say that anything could have come up when we were living together that would have led to divorce if we didn't live together first. It worked for us just b/c it worked for us -- I don't feel I got any extra benefit out of living together first that I couldn't live without, nor do I feel that our wedding night or marriage was any less exciting and wonderful because we did live together first.
I agree, for us, there were not any major hurtles (obviously we are married now) we decided to live together as a financial decision, we knew we were going to get married and wanted to buy a house, we could save more if there was only one apt to maintain. We ended up buying the house before we even got engaged - a little backwards to the taste of most, but to us we already had a commitment and wanted to buy when the market was right. We didn't have to rush out and get married to prove we were ready to buy a house together.
There are a few things I find interesting in this thread, one being the "why buy the cow if can get the milk for free" idea - this really seems like a lack of trust to me, if moving in together means this is a committed or lifelong relationship, shouldn't you trust that the other person is offering you a commitment. To say I won't live with you until you give me a ring, seems like a ultimatum and a lack of trust in your love for each other. If I had to somehow force my DH to marry me, I would not want to be in that relationship.
The other thing I find interesting is, "I know someone who did it and it didn't work out". First, that is a good thing, find out before you get married that you aren't compatible, it makes the break up much easier. My second thought on this is, was the relationship that rocky to begin with, should they have moved into together or did they just like the idea of 'playing house'
As previous posters have said it is a decision which can only be made by the individual couple.
You put this into words better than I ever could have!
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| Posted 4/10/08 3:08 PM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by NinaLemon
There are a few things I find interesting in this thread, one being the "why buy the cow if can get the milk for free" idea - this really seems like a lack of trust to me, if moving in together means this is a committed or lifelong relationship, shouldn't you trust that the other person is offering you a commitment. To say I won't live with you until you give me a ring, seems like a ultimatum and a lack of trust in your love for each other. If I had to somehow force my DH to marry me, I would not want to be in that relationship.
I think some of it is that for some people moving in together does not equal a lifelong relationship (or even committed). For some it is for financial reasons alone, and for others it may be because it is exciting and because you genuinely want to spend every minute with that person. But for *some* living together does not mean that the next step is getting engaged, or married, so if that is the intent, I would hope that both people go into it knowing exactly what their plan for the future is. And if they want to play it by ear, great, but be prepared for the fact that it may not end up in marriage.
The not living together as an ultimatum seems like a stretch to me, because it was something DH and I both agreed we didn't want (as it was for most if not all other couples I know who did not live together), so it definitely wasn't something I held over him. Maybe if the man (or woman) kept begging and begging and it was a situation where the other person said "NO! Not until I get a ring!" it would be different, but if both people are on board with their values and feelings, I don't think it would ever get to that point.
I don't think there is any right answer, so long as both people are in agreement with their own long-term goals if they discuss the future.
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| Posted 4/10/08 3:16 PM |
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mycrayon1
LIF Toddler
Member since 10/07 438 total posts
Name:
Carolyn
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
We moved in together a few months before we got married. We were planning on looking for a bit longer but an apartment came along we couldn't pass on so we took it
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| Posted 4/10/08 3:19 PM |
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NinaLemon
It's a boy!!!
Member since 10/07 6453 total posts
Name:
Jeannine
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by nov04libride
I think some of it is that for some people moving in together does not equal a lifelong relationship (or even committed). For some it is for financial reasons alone, and for others it may be because it is exciting and because you genuinely want to spend every minute with that person. But for *some* living together does not mean that the next step is getting engaged, or married, so if that is the intent, I would hope that both people go into it knowing exactly what their plan for the future is. And if they want to play it by ear, great, but be prepared for the fact that it may not end up in marriage.
The not living together as an ultimatum seems like a stretch to me, because it was something DH and I both agreed we didn't want (as it was for most if not all other couples I know who did not live together), so it definitely wasn't something I held over him. Maybe if the man (or woman) kept begging and begging and it was a situation where the other person said "NO! Not until I get a ring!" it would be different, but if both people are on board with their values and feelings, I don't think it would ever get to that point.
I don't think there is any right answer, so long as both people are in agreement with their own long-term goals if they discuss the future.
I totally agree, not all intentions are the same when going into a living together situation. I also agree that one would hope the couple openly expressed their intentions beforehand.
When I was speaking about the ultimatum, I was refering to people who say "not until you give me a ring". I don't think a lack of desire to live together equates to "why buy the cow..." It's the idea that if you do move in together than the marriage will never happen, that I find to be unhealthy in a committed relationship (If the ultimate goal is marriage).
I don't think living together before marriage is for everyone, I also don't think marriage is for everyone. In my mind there is absolutely nothing wrong with being lifelong partners, living together and never getting married. Do what works for you, right 
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| Posted 4/10/08 3:35 PM |
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imagin916
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 1826 total posts
Name:
Valerie
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Re: Living together before married/engaged?
Posted by NinaLemon
Posted by Kara
While we did live together before we were married, I can't say that anything could have come up when we were living together that would have led to divorce if we didn't live together first. It worked for us just b/c it worked for us -- I don't feel I got any extra benefit out of living together first that I couldn't live without, nor do I feel that our wedding night or marriage was any less exciting and wonderful because we did live together first.
I agree, for us, there were not any major hurtles (obviously we are married now) we decided to live together as a financial decision, we knew we were going to get married and wanted to buy a house, we could save more if there was only one apt to maintain. We ended up buying the house before we even got engaged - a little backwards to the taste of most, but to us we already had a commitment and wanted to buy when the market was right. We didn't have to rush out and get married to prove we were ready to buy a house together.
There are a few things I find interesting in this thread, one being the "why buy the cow if can get the milk for free" idea - this really seems like a lack of trust to me, if moving in together means this is a committed or lifelong relationship, shouldn't you trust that the other person is offering you a commitment. To say I won't live with you until you give me a ring, seems like a ultimatum and a lack of trust in your love for each other. If I had to somehow force my DH to marry me, I would not want to be in that relationship.
The other thing I find interesting is, "I know someone who did it and it didn't work out". First, that is a good thing, find out before you get married that you aren't compatible, it makes the break up much easier. My second thought on this is, was the relationship that rocky to begin with, should they have moved into together or did they just like the idea of 'playing house'
As previous posters have said it is a decision which can only be made by the individual couple.
I respect your opinion, but you are saying that you felt comfortable buying a house with your now DH because you KNEW you were getting married. My whole point was, if you didn't know you were getting married or if he said he wasn't sure where your relationship was going, would you still have bought the house with him? My guess would be no, you would not have, which is the point I was trying to make.
I don't think wanting to get engaged or married before living with someone is "forcing" them to marry you, I think it just means that you want to know they are serious before making that type of lifestyle change. There is nothing wrong with that. I wouldn't change my life for someone who is not serious about changing their life for me either. Most guys are not going to get married just to live with you, and I don't think its fair to say that all the women who wanted to wait until engagement/marriage forced thier husbands to marry them. Its complete BS.
Sure, a guy wants to have sex with you on the first date, and if you say no and tell him you want to wait until you get to know him better, is that being "unfair" to him to make him wait until you are ready, even if that means its 10 more dates? I don't think that making him wait for sex is forcing him to take you out 10 more times or whatever. If he likes you, he will have no problem waiting. That is the same logic.
Of course it does work out beautifully for many people, and for some people it doesn't work out. Its a free country, everyone can do what they please and I am not here to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do, or that anyone else's opinion is wrong, I'm just expressing my opinion like everyone else.
Message edited 4/10/2008 3:51:25 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/08 3:49 PM |
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