Re: In Law visiting right after birth

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Message edited 1/11/2014 10:29:51 PM.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

If your DH wants his parents to be there, they should be there whether you like it or not. It's his baby and his experience just as much as it is yours.

If you feel uncomfortable, maybe have a conversation with your DH about how long each set of parents stays... maybe he can start to kick everyone out after an hour. That would be a fair compromise.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by TuttsyLow

Posted by CL2012

Posted by tryin4baby3

I think sometimes people forget it is about the mom, too. You are also a patient, recovering from birth or surgery. You are exposedn nursingn and going through your own healing process. I think it's natural to feel more comfortable around your own mom at that time. Try to get your dh to understand that. If it was just about seeing the babyn then I agree both sets of parents should be treated equally. But it's also about you. I think iif you feel you need it, you should have time to take a shower, get any pain under control, etc, before being expected to have visitors in your room other than dh and your parents.

ITA and it seems this isn't the prevailing opinion in this thread. You can have an amazing relationship with your ILs but I don't think that ever will fully compare to the comfort you get from your own mother. I think you should do what makes you most relaxed and happy in the hours and days after delivery while recovering in the hospital.

I cannot express this sentiment enough. I think the fact that the mother just went through perhaps the most painful and for some traumatic experience of her life is sometimes forgotten. Boobs and vag out, hopped up on narcs, perhaps not having slept or brushed her hair or teeth for 3 days straight in labor(all me).....give her some time to get comfortable for visitors. Many women are comfortable around their own mothers in this condition but not to people they barely know no matter who it is.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by TuttsyLow

Posted by CL2012

Posted by tryin4baby3

I think sometimes people forget it is about the mom, too. You are also a patient, recovering from birth or surgery. You are exposedn nursingn and going through your own healing process. I think it's natural to feel more comfortable around your own mom at that time. Try to get your dh to understand that. If it was just about seeing the babyn then I agree both sets of parents should be treated equally. But it's also about you. I think iif you feel you need it, you should have time to take a shower, get any pain under control, etc, before being expected to have visitors in your room other than dh and your parents.

ITA and it seems this isn't the prevailing opinion in this thread. You can have an amazing relationship with your ILs but I don't think that ever will fully compare to the comfort you get from your own mother. I think you should do what makes you most relaxed and happy in the hours and days after delivery while recovering in the hospital.

I cannot express this sentiment enough. I think the fact that the mother just went through perhaps the most painful and for some traumatic experience of her life is sometimes forgotten. Boobs and vag out, hopped up on narcs, perhaps not having slept or brushed her hair or teeth for 3 days straight in labor(all me).....give her some time to get comfortable for visitors. Many women are comfortable around their own mothers in this condition but not to people they barely know no matter who it is.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by TuttsyLow

Posted by CL2012

Posted by tryin4baby3

I think sometimes people forget it is about the mom, too. You are also a patient, recovering from birth or surgery. You are exposedn nursingn and going through your own healing process. I think it's natural to feel more comfortable around your own mom at that time. Try to get your dh to understand that. If it was just about seeing the babyn then I agree both sets of parents should be treated equally. But it's also about you. I think iif you feel you need it, you should have time to take a shower, get any pain under control, etc, before being expected to have visitors in your room other than dh and your parents.

ITA and it seems this isn't the prevailing opinion in this thread. You can have an amazing relationship with your ILs but I don't think that ever will fully compare to the comfort you get from your own mother. I think you should do what makes you most relaxed and happy in the hours and days after delivery while recovering in the hospital.

I cannot express this sentiment enough. I think the fact that the mother just went through perhaps the most painful and for some traumatic experience of her life is sometimes forgotten. Boobs and vag out, hopped up on narcs, perhaps not having slept or brushed her hair or teeth for 3 days straight in labor(all me).....give her some time to get comfortable for visitors. Many women are comfortable around their own mothers in this condition but not to people they barely know no matter who it is.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by DaniRella

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by KGools

If your DH wants his parents to be there, they should be there whether you like it or not. It's his baby and his experience just as much as it is yours.

If you feel uncomfortable, maybe have a conversation with your DH about how long each set of parents stays... maybe he can start to kick everyone out after an hour. That would be a fair compromise.

I 100% agree

And I have to say, to the OP, I envy you - I wish sometimes that DH's parents cared as much as yours do and would want to be there and be involved that much -- it means they are excited, it means they are ready to love that baby so much, it means they CARE. And, for me, I wish I had some more of that. I mean, it has been lukewarm at best, sadly... and even after I was diagnosed with an umbilical cord abnormality, I rec'd so much support from friends and my side of the family about that and QUITE a chilly and in some instances, NON EXISTENT show of "support" and response from DH's side. This was and still is devastating for me and hurts DH to NO end. I could live 100 years and I don't think I'll ever forget that.

That being said, I'm jealous

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by TuttsyLow

Posted by CL2012

Posted by tryin4baby3

I think sometimes people forget it is about the mom, too. You are also a patient, recovering from birth or surgery. You are exposedn nursingn and going through your own healing process. I think it's natural to feel more comfortable around your own mom at that time. Try to get your dh to understand that. If it was just about seeing the babyn then I agree both sets of parents should be treated equally. But it's also about you. I think iif you feel you need it, you should have time to take a shower, get any pain under control, etc, before being expected to have visitors in your room other than dh and your parents.

ITA and it seems this isn't the prevailing opinion in this thread. You can have an amazing relationship with your ILs but I don't think that ever will fully compare to the comfort you get from your own mother. I think you should do what makes you most relaxed and happy in the hours and days after delivery while recovering in the hospital.

I cannot express this sentiment enough. I think the fact that the mother just went through perhaps the most painful and for some traumatic experience of her life is sometimes forgotten. Boobs and vag out, hopped up on narcs, perhaps not having slept or brushed her hair or teeth for 3 days straight in labor(all me).....give her some time to get comfortable for visitors. Many women are comfortable around their own mothers in this condition but not to people they barely know no matter who it is.

We're not talking about her in laws coming to her home right after and staying for a week...we're talking about in laws being in the hospital after she gives birth to see the baby!!

i'm sorry but the DH's parents have EVERY RIGHT as her parents to be there. Unless there was some crazy circumstance where they were awful people or some past history where they were terrible to her that we don't know about, there is ZERO reason why they shouldn't be there! Of course its natural to feel closer to ones own mother and father. But for his parents to see the baby shouldn't be a question, I'm sorry. NOW if they didn't leave for alll of the visiting hours that would prob be a diff story but I doubt that would be the case. Everyone needs some privacy after a baby but if one set of parents are allowed right after, the other set should be.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by BriBri2u

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by TuttsyLow

Posted by CL2012

Posted by tryin4baby3

I think sometimes people forget it is about the mom, too. You are also a patient, recovering from birth or surgery. You are exposedn nursingn and going through your own healing process. I think it's natural to feel more comfortable around your own mom at that time. Try to get your dh to understand that. If it was just about seeing the babyn then I agree both sets of parents should be treated equally. But it's also about you. I think iif you feel you need it, you should have time to take a shower, get any pain under control, etc, before being expected to have visitors in your room other than dh and your parents.

ITA and it seems this isn't the prevailing opinion in this thread. You can have an amazing relationship with your ILs but I don't think that ever will fully compare to the comfort you get from your own mother. I think you should do what makes you most relaxed and happy in the hours and days after delivery while recovering in the hospital.

I cannot express this sentiment enough. I think the fact that the mother just went through perhaps the most painful and for some traumatic experience of her life is sometimes forgotten. Boobs and vag out, hopped up on narcs, perhaps not having slept or brushed her hair or teeth for 3 days straight in labor(all me).....give her some time to get comfortable for visitors. Many women are comfortable around their own mothers in this condition but not to people they barely know no matter who it is.

We're not talking about her in laws coming to her home right after and staying for a week...we're talking about in laws being in the hospital after she gives birth to see the baby!!

i'm sorry but the DH's parents have EVERY RIGHT as her parents to be there. Unless there was some crazy circumstance where they were awful people or some past history where they were terrible to her that we don't know about, there is ZERO reason why they shouldn't be there! Of course its natural to feel closer to ones own mother and father. But for his parents to see the baby shouldn't be a question, I'm sorry. NOW if they didn't leave for alll of the visiting hours that would prob be a diff story but I doubt that would be the case. Everyone needs some privacy after a baby but if one set of parents are allowed right after, the other set should be.

I agree...like I said in my pp my DH would flip his shiit if I told him his parents couldn't come see their grandchild when he or she was born until the day after. He would never stand for it.

I don't care what my relationship with my mom is. My DH has a relationship with his mother, and she has every right as my mom to be there for her son.

I could never imagine my future DIL telling me I can't come see my grandchild until the next day, but her mom would be there through the entire process.

In Law visiting right after birth

Maybe I just have a different relationship with my in-laws but some of these comments have me . I understand people feel more comfortable with their own mothers but to say they don't want people they 'barely know' visiting seems really harsh. Its your husbands parents. The ones who gave birth to him! I totally 100% understand if the in laws are not present or horrible people, but if you have an even semi pleasant relationship with them, I would just suggest avoiding the drama and having them come.

I agree with PPs who said they can see the baby in the nursery that day but maybe visit you the following day if you are really stressing it. But really, the day I gave birth my in laws stayed for 15 minutes and left so I could rest. It was absolutely zero imposition for have them there. Again, I do realize that I have very reasonable, respectful in laws so I may just be lucky in that regard.

Not trying to be snarky AT ALL but I am genuinely curious. For the people who are in agreement that the in laws should not visit... Do you have a DS? I ask because one of my biggest fears is that my DS will marry someone that will not want to include me in their lives and I will miss out on stuff because I am the 'husbands mom' and not the wife's mom. I guess my fears aren't completely irrational..

In Law visiting right after birth

i dont think you are being unreasonable.

i dont see anything wrong with keeping it private until you're ready & feeling comfortable. i asked for NO visitors until the day after, which i regret, should have been day 3 after a c-section. the pain meds, and my in law after in law stuffing formula down my newborns throat after knowing i was breastfeeding. video & photos of me high on pain meds. it was like a freakin' circus. this time around, it will be no one for a few days. at least until i am feeling strong & able.

and again, do what you feel most comfortable with & make sure your dh knows how you feel.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by DaniRella

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by KGools

If your DH wants his parents to be there, they should be there whether you like it or not. It's his baby and his experience just as much as it is yours.

If you feel uncomfortable, maybe have a conversation with your DH about how long each set of parents stays... maybe he can start to kick everyone out after an hour. That would be a fair compromise.

I 100% agree

And I have to say, to the OP, I envy you - I wish sometimes that DH's parents cared as much as yours do and would want to be there and be involved that much -- it means they are excited, it means they are ready to love that baby so much, it means they CARE. And, for me, I wish I had some more of that. I mean, it has been lukewarm at best, sadly... and even after I was diagnosed with an umbilical cord abnormality, I rec'd so much support from friends and my side of the family about that and QUITE a chilly and in some instances, NON EXISTENT show of "support" and response from DH's side. This was and still is devastating for me and hurts DH to NO end. I could live 100 years and I don't think I'll ever forget that.

That being said, I'm jealous

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

My inlaws live oos, so this won't be an issue. Maybe for DC #2 down the line with MIL since she wil be retired but I doubt it.

I actually don't want anyone at the hospital while I am in labor. My mom is a complete basket case with worry about my giving birth. I never planned to have her in the delivery room with me. I just want DH. My father is elderly and not in great health and my mom will just drive him crazy if they are at the hospital waiting around for hours. I will be worrying about them worrying about me.

That being said, I speak with my mom all the time so I'm not really sure how I'll keep it from her and stop them from coming to the hospital. I'm not going to sweat it and hopefully it will work itself out.

To the OP, I'm not huge fans of my ILs either. I would definitely keep them from my room but not from the baby.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

i think it is unfair to his parents and it will always be a thorn in the relationship as little as there is one

also think when your child or children are older if your son told you that his wife did not want you there

In Law visiting right after birth

I'm in minority..........I say it's completely up to you, as you are the one delivering.

I didn't want anyone lingering around taking away my precious first moments of bonding with my baby. i knew if I had MIL and the whole crew there, I never would have gotten the first bonding moments at all..and those are crucial moments that once are gone, are gone for good.

I didn't feel bad at all about having my own mom there and not MIL either time...........and when I did give an inch, she took a mile.

As far as people here saying that they fear their future DIL's shutting them out....as long as you're not some overbearing, pushy, smothering personality - you shouldn't have an issue.

IMO, it's the mother in laws that are overbearing and such that aren't wanted there...and that's their own fault. If you want a nice relationship with your future DIL, be respectful and know your boundaries. Don't try to be a second mom or play the guilt card when you don't get your way...or expect everyone to move heaven & earth for you..

..and everyone and anyone can wait a day or two to see the baby. not a big deal.

I'm always amazed at how many people don't mind tons of visitors right away, but to each her own.

I don't think the OP is wrong if she doesn't want MIL and SIL there afterwards, just like I don't think people who want tons of visitors are wrong.

It's a personal choice - there is no right or wrong.

tell the nurses on staff that you want the baby kept in your room after giving birth and that you don't want visitors. they will listen to YOUR wishes more than anyone, including the father. You're the patient and have gone through a big thing and your hormones are out of whack post-birth. YOU *and baby* come first.

Message edited 6/3/2013 9:10:06 PM.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

I think it is your choice. But, on the other hand it is very much his choice as well as it is both of your child. It's a hard call, and I see where you are coming from, but you have to put the shoe on the other foot and see his point of view as well. Maybe limit the time they visit? Have them come see the baby for a few minutes and then tell them you'd really like to get some rest now.
Compromise usually works best in relationships.

Message edited 6/3/2013 9:28:26 PM.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Message edited 6/3/2013 9:15:10 PM.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by EatingMyVeggies

Posted by gina409

i think it is unfair to his parents and it will always be a thorn in the relationship as little as there is one

also think when your child or children are older if your son told you that his wife did not want you there

see, I would completely understand and I wouldn't expect to be there or ask.

I'd offer and leave it be. If she wants me there, fine. If not, not the end of the world..

I'd want DIL to be comfortable and not worry about pleasing me during what's supposed to be her most important time in her life.

I wouldn't want to add to her stress or feel like she has to give in to accommodate me.

It's not about me. It's about her, my son (her partner), and her new baby.

Really? So if in the future, you have a son who marries a woman who allows her family there but tells you and your DH that she doesn't want you there, that is OK with you?

I just cannot for the life of me ever fathom one of my sons saying "i'm sorry mom, but ____ wants only her parents to see the baby after she gives birth but not you and Dad". I find that so unbelievably awful.

I just don't understand it and honestly it makes me feel really sad that its even a question

And yeah, maybe their new baby is about them...but its also a joyous and awesome time for new grandparents. It doesnt mean that the grandparents hang out all day in the room but it does mean that both should have the same opportunities to see their grandchild.

My parents AND DH's parents were so ecstatic when our first son was born..they both became grandparents that day. I can't imagine ever having told DH that his parents had less right to be there than my parents. That is so hurtful.

In Law visiting right after birth

I'm with the other women, I don't get why you don't want them in the waiting room and I do think it's totally unreasonable to say they can't come. It's not as if you'll really even know they are there waiting. The last thing I was thinking about when I was in labor was who was in the waiting room. My IL's (who came from TX) and my Parents/Siblings were there and to this day my DH said one of the best moments was walking out there to tell them! I think that if I had a son and his wife didn't want me to be there when they had their baby, I'd be beyond hurt.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by EatingMyVeggies

Posted by gina409

i think it is unfair to his parents and it will always be a thorn in the relationship as little as there is one

also think when your child or children are older if your son told you that his wife did not want you there

see, I would completely understand and I wouldn't expect to be there or ask.

I'd offer and leave it be. If she wants me there, fine. If not, not the end of the world..

I'd want DIL to be comfortable and not worry about pleasing me during what's supposed to be her most important time in her life.

I wouldn't want to add to her stress or feel like she has to give in to accommodate me.

It's not about me. It's about her, my son (her partner), and her new baby.

Really? So if in the future, you have a son who marries a woman who allows her family there but tells you and your DH that she doesn't want you there, that is OK with you?

I just cannot for the life of me ever fathom one of my sons saying "i'm sorry mom, but ____ wants only her parents to see the baby after she gives birth but not you and Dad". I find that so unbelievably awful.

I just don't understand it and honestly it makes me feel really sad that its even a question

And yeah, maybe their new baby is about them...but its also a joyous and awesome time for new grandparents. It doesnt mean that the grandparents hang out all day in the room but it does mean that both should have the same opportunities to see their grandchild.

My parents AND DH's parents were so ecstatic when our first son was born..they both became grandparents that day. I can't imagine ever having told DH that his parents had less right to be there than my parents. That is so hurtful.

Re: In Law visiting right after birth

Posted by maybebaby

Posted by TuttsyLow

Posted by CL2012

Posted by tryin4baby3

I think sometimes people forget it is about the mom, too. You are also a patient, recovering from birth or surgery. You are exposedn nursingn and going through your own healing process. I think it's natural to feel more comfortable around your own mom at that time. Try to get your dh to understand that. If it was just about seeing the babyn then I agree both sets of parents should be treated equally. But it's also about you. I think iif you feel you need it, you should have time to take a shower, get any pain under control, etc, before being expected to have visitors in your room other than dh and your parents.

ITA and it seems this isn't the prevailing opinion in this thread. You can have an amazing relationship with your ILs but I don't think that ever will fully compare to the comfort you get from your own mother. I think you should do what makes you most relaxed and happy in the hours and days after delivery while recovering in the hospital.

I cannot express this sentiment enough. I think the fact that the mother just went through perhaps the most painful and for some traumatic experience of her life is sometimes forgotten. Boobs and vag out, hopped up on narcs, perhaps not having slept or brushed her hair or teeth for 3 days straight in labor(all me).....give her some time to get comfortable for visitors. Many women are comfortable around their own mothers in this condition but not to people they barely know no matter who it is.

We're not talking about her in laws coming to her home right after and staying for a week...we're talking about in laws being in the hospital after she gives birth to see the baby!!

i'm sorry but the DH's parents have EVERY RIGHT as her parents to be there. Unless there was some crazy circumstance where they were awful people or some past history where they were terrible to her that we don't know about, there is ZERO reason why they shouldn't be there! Of course its natural to feel closer to ones own mother and father. But for his parents to see the baby shouldn't be a question, I'm sorry. NOW if they didn't leave for alll of the visiting hours that would prob be a diff story but I doubt that would be the case. Everyone needs some privacy after a baby but if one set of parents are allowed right after, the other set should be.