im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

so, he must have really felt bad
look what just arrived
this does NOT get him out of daddy 101 tonight! lol


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we just had a blowout ... its always about the way he cares for DS

he left the house this morning with DS covered with a blanket. no hat, no jacket and the baby has a bad cough. its 38 degrees outside. i told him exactly where the hat and jacket were (right next to his daycare bag).

he called me and told me that he brought DS to daycare and couldnt find the hat or fleece. he said "if they go outside, they will wrap him in the blanket" ??? what?! its freezing outside, these people must think we are the worst parents.

im mad because he never listens. he forgets things all the time. i have to repeat myself 8000000x a day. im so tired of it. why do I always have to be the responsible one. i feel like he doesnt take parenting seriously most of the time.

i didnt handle it right. i was furious on the phone. i basically told him he was wrong and asked (not in a nice tone) why he couldnt look around for the hat/jacket. How could he leave the house without it? he started yelling back and I hung up.

I called him back and told him that he had to call daycare immediately and tell that there is an extra hat and jacket in his bin. put that on him, do not "wrap him in a blanket" then i hung up again. I was SO mad that I actually had to tell him this, he should know these things, we have gone over this a MILLION times. Of course, he has NO clue what DS has at daycare because its not priority for him TO know.

He called me back and told me that I am never allowed to boss him around. He can wrap DS or dress DS however he wants I just hung up again, my blood was boiling. I dont want to speak to him. I feel like I have to do everything if its to be done properly. Do I need to take him to daycare everyday to make sure its done properly?

Im just so tired of it.

just needed to vent. its time like these where i think maybe 1 and done isnt such a bad idea

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Message edited 11/3/2010 1:58:25 PM.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Alot of times I find myself criticizing the way DH does thing with DD..bathtime, changing her, etc...He gets REAL mad when I do this so I have learned to try to do it in a better way or bite my tongue altogether. I can totally understand why you were upset with DH, but maybe ( and you have agreed) you didnt handle it right by yelling and hanging up on him.

Men just dont think sometimes....

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

you were right.
your dh is in the wrong, he knows it.

My dh would never in a million years be capable of getting my kids out the door daily.
I know some people say dhs have their own way of doing things...or dh will eventually learn...
yeah, not while making our kids uncomfortable.

sorry that was your morning.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Posted by BethanyLynn


Alot of times I find myself criticizing the way DH does thing with DD..bathtime, changing her, etc...He gets REAL mad when I do this so I have learned to try to do it in a better way or bite my tongue altogether. I can totally understand why you were upset with DH, but maybe ( and you have agreed) you didnt handle it right by yelling and hanging up on him.

Men just dont think sometimes....

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I know...
I think he knows he was wrong..

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

You should tell the daycare director to speak to him directly about it. This keeps you out of it, but he is more likely to get the message.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

If someone took my baby with a cough out in 38 deg weather without a hat I would have def hung up on them.

My dh is lazy. That's it. LAZY
He isn't a father to infants at all.
He sucks at it.

Hasn't her dh gone out into the cold his entire life? doesn't a coat and hat make sense? what if there was an emergency and kids had to be evacuated...her's doesn't have a hat and coat?

the good news is, i am no longer his boss. josh is. once they talk, they will tell your dh what they need.
leo is a great dad to josh. josh bosses him around all day. eating, drinking, read to me, let's go to the park...

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I could totally understand all of this. Its sooooo unbelieveably frustrating to me that I have to be the one to remember everything and know every single detail. It kinda makes me nervous too, I know DH would be able to eventually figure things out if he was forced to but I hate that 90% of the time is all me. I thought of the 1 and done scenario too bc of all of this. As time went on it got easier and now I like the way things are, although sometimes I get a quick reminder of how hard it is sometimes.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I have been thinking the one and done thing a lot lately...even though I definitely want more kids...I do all of the taking care of my DD...changing diapers, feeding her, getting her ready in the morning, baths, putting her to bed....dh won't even brush her teeth b/c he says he doesn't want to hurt her and I can't even think about doing all of this for 2 kids.

Good thing you have a second set of things at daycare...but DS was probably fine with the blanket and being in the car with the heat on.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I totally understand you. Wehn DH and I argue about DS' care it's normally becasue I feel like I have to think of EVERYTHING and tell him where EVERYTHING is....mind you he sepnds more time with DS so he should know these things. Men just don't get it sometimes

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I can relate. Though my DH would probably take the car seat to daycare without DS in it.

We fight about it all the time, and about the fact he does nothing while I run around getting the kid ready. I haven't done my hair in months.

The thing is, he does help by doing other things like cook.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I'm sorry. I think we've all been there. I think it's a normal part of adjusting to parenthood.

DH & I used to have a lot of these kind of blowouts when DS was an infant. TBH, we wound up in counseling by the time DS was 4 mos old. That helped us see each other's POVs more and I gradually relaxed knowing that he'd never do anything to harm DS and he gradually got better at being on top of things. Don't get me wrong - we'll still have our fights over parenting but they've become less frequent and less intense. He's still not great at gauging the temperature when dressing the kids, more so the baby, but I realize she's not going to be severely harmed by not wearing a hat and if she's cold she will cry to let him know. And after the first argument of this season over it, he just puts the hat on her. I also learned to give myself a cooling off period before addressing these kinds of things with him.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

i'm sorry you were so upset this morning. it seems it's a male trait to ignore what their wives say. my dh has actually told me when i talk he hears the peanuts teacher in his head instead of what i'm saying.

as difficult as it is, there are three solutions: 1) do everything yourself 2) yell at him 3) treat him like a child and repeat things over and over

1 is tiring, 2 causes too many problems. 3 is not ideal but i've found it works best. no man likes to be treated like a child and as if he's incompetent. after a few times of this kind of treatment, he starts doing things the right way so the treatment will end

good luck working out a solution, and if you find something that works, pass it on!

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

It was a really hard time on DH and I once DS was born. It is an adjustment period.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

this is me and Anthony to a T. you know that. you know you're not alone in this.
but -- im still sorry you have to deal with it.

Anthony never knows where anything is. Anthony has never packed the diaper bag. Not for daycare, not for a day out. Not for a night out. Anthony has given Sophia 2 baths - that's it, in 13 months. He has never gotten her ready for daycare. Very rarely gets her ready for bed. But he's good at loving her and loves to play with her and make her laugh.

He just isnt a good "baby" dad. He doesnt like to change diapers, doesnt like to put lotion on her. I think part of it is because he THINK he'll do it wrong, and KNOWS i do it better.

I've learned to just accept it. My life is 10000x more stressful because of it, and therefore so is our relationship. But I make him understand that the reason Im so stressed is because I get little to no help. He is the first, however, to admit that he thinks im a fantastic mother and that he/Sophia are lucky to have me. It takes time to get to this point of acceptance. The first 8-9 months of Sophia's life were VERY tough for us. It does get easier as they become more independant.

Ive learned to hand over other responsibilities to him, typically not BABY related. He cooks. He cleans the cat box, and he does his share of loading/unloading the dishwasher, laundry, etc.


As with anything else it takes time. Tonight, when you go home talk to him. Explain WHY you got so upset, that you feared for Jack's safety and well being. Explain WHY he needs to bring the diaper bag and extra stuff ALL the time, and EVERYWHERE. I know you have done this before, probably many times. And youll probable have to do it many more times before it sinks in. But -- it will. Eventually.


and if it doesnt, I'll talk to LTP

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

thanks everyone. i guess i just need to chill out and let him figure it out. i just that this "figuring out" is not a DS' expense


thanks val

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I just wanted to offer you If my DH was like that I would just KILL HIM! Have you ever left him with DS for a day by himself? I started doing this really early when DS was like 6 weeks old, to push DH to know where everything is and to figure out what to do with his son. Maybe go out for a girl day and leave him with DH, he will eventually have to get it! About the coat and the hat, I tell DH if you think you need a coat on DS DEF needs one on.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

you are not alone. this is a very very typical fight between new parents. although you might be able to talk to DH in a more effective way, don't stop sticking up for you son. Sometimes dads are clueless when it comes to infant care. Moms shouldn't back down or shut up, because then though you may not fight, the baby can suffer. Just try to figure out the best way to get through to your DH. I think you may have, and he knows it. But his ego is hurt...

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

he called me and we spoke, abbreivated. i tried to remain calm the whole time and i think i did.

for him, it was more about how i spoke to him. he knew he was wrong. i appologized for how i spoke but i told him that he REALLY needs to make a conscious effort. he needs to do things properly - not just for me but for DS!!

we will talk more about it at home tonight but i think its time to get serious. he has yet to get DS ready for bed or up in the am and I think its time. He should be able to care for him on his own for a 24 hour period without me coming to the rescue.

thanks everyone. training daddy 101 tonight in my house feel free to send your husbands by, ill save you the time and frustration

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Posted by JoJo2010

I just wanted to offer you If my DH was like that I would just KILL HIM! Have you ever left him with DS for a day by himself? I started doing this really early when DS was like 6 weeks old, to push DH to know where everything is and to figure out what to do with his son. Maybe go out for a girl day and leave him with DH, he will eventually have to get it! About the coat and the hat, I tell DH if you think you need a coat on DS DEF needs one on.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I understand your frustration. Sometimes I can tell DH something 3 times and he still doesn't remember. It's like talking to a brick wall