Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I can relate and you aren't alone. I think a lot of men are this way.

My DH is clueless about how to get dd ready for anything as well. I came home last week to find he had put a towel over her in the swing that I had dried my hair with that was a bit damp..I was upset. He knows there is a whole basket filled with blankets in her room but was too lazy to get up and get one. DH does try he changes diapers and gets her dressed on the weekends sometimes (but doesn't know how to match anything). I found myself always criticizing his efforts which won't help him improve. He works very hard for us and I appreciate him so I've been making an effort to acknowledge what he does do right even when it isn't perfect or the way I would do it.

I think you should talk to him calmly and tell him you need more of his help with dc. Also try to find the good things he does and praise him for those qualities.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

First off I want to say, you 100% had every right to be upset today. My only advice is to pick your battles. I remember when we first brought DS home from the hospital. DH was changing DS and I turned to him and said,"That isn't the way I change his diaper." Then I stopped and looked at him and said I was sorry. It wasn't how I did it, in fact, I wasn't doing it and we all have our own way of doing things. Maybe go easy on him on the little things and he will take you serious when you get upset about the big things. He was wrong but you know he loves your DS and it isn't his intention to not care.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Dh is pretty good with DD, but there are definitely some things i or about!

I know it $ucks to have to remind him everyday, all the time, but maybe post a checklist by the door?

Like:
jacket
hat
daycare bag
blanket

I think this is typical with new parents. Plus, we're the moms and we ALWAYS put our DC first, I don't think dads always have that mentality.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

sweetie i know your pain. i really believe we were just born with the mommy instinct and (not all dads, but most) need to learn it. at the beginning DH and I fought all the time. he even admitted to me that he wished we both learned at the same time instead of me being the more knowledgeable one and resented that.

now i try to get him to make decisions. i probably made it worse at the beginning by doing everything. but i'll say things like...

me: what should Ian have for lunch?
DH: i dont know
me: well if you dont tell me what hes eating hes going to starve. so what do you think he should eat?
DH: ummm...chicken and mashed potatoes?
me: very good dear

or ill ask him questions that i already know the answer to, just so he feels he said it to build up his confidence.

it gets easier once they get a little older. hang in there.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

DH will act like this when he knows he is wrong, it's their defense mechanism.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

It seems as though moms just do things naturally, where fathers have to learn or be taught. My husband and I argue like this over the baby all the time. I always felt my way is the best way and his way is the wrong way. I've learned he's a parent too, and he is gonna do things differently then I would. I have not one clue on how to cut the lawn, or close the pool, or blow out the sprinkler system, but I know how to grab a hat and fleece, cause it's what moms do naturally. We nurture our children, they take care of their children. So when somethings off, they find a quick fix, a BLANKET!!

I can yell till I'm blue in the face, and he won't change, cause it's his way. So I learned to show him things instead, and show him how tho it's the long way, it's the better way. Eventually, he catches on.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I hear you.

It's hard.... and if you're anything like me, not only are you mad at DH, but you're mad at yourself bc you're not the one caring for him bc you're working.

DH is a teacher and was home with DS yesterday. He took him out to get the oil changed on his car. Poor kid was in a long sleeved shirt, a hoodie, a winter coat, a hat, mittens, AND a blanket. I'm sure he was dripping sweat. He looks pretty pisssssed in this pic.




I would go home, calmly apologize for yelling (even though I think you were right), then say that you just want to make sure Jack stays warm and healthy and he really needs a hat/coat. And then I'd put a post-it on the front door that says "JACKET AND HAT!" with a .

It sounds to me like he knows he was wrong and he's a little humiliated.

Message edited 11/3/2010 11:18:07 AM.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

For the first year plus of DD's life I had to leave detailed instructions for DH and everything laid out for him....It was beyond frustrating and we got into numerous arguments over it when he said I didn't know etc...I think they just don't think and have the foresight we do...I would have reacted the same way as you did

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Even though they get defensive and tell us moms not to tell them what to do, I think eventually they do get it.

DH took DS out without a jacket a few weeks ago when it was freezing out and I had a fit. DS ended up with ice cold hands and ears. It was one of those 40 degree days.

For the past few weeks, I have been saying, "make sure to bundle him up" blah blah and finally DH does. He'll beat me to it and say, "yes, he is bundled up so don't tell me again." I don't appreciate the sarcasm but I'm just glad that DS is warm. Dads don't want their kids to be freezing in the cold.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I'm the boss as far as stuff with the kids is concerned. That's just how it is in out house (I have a few other areas that I'm the boss of too, DH has 1 or 2).

We do things my way on anything that matters because 90% of the time I'm the one doing it. So, if he wants for me to do it most of the time, then when he does do it-it's my way. I'm not talking about little stuff. I'm talking about the bigger stuff. Health. Meals. Potty. I could care less if he gives DD mac & cheese for dinner when he does dinner. But she doesn't get 5 candy bars and some fruit loops for dinner because he doesn't want to see her cry (and he would, trust me). I deal with most of her tantrums, he can deal with a little crying now and then if it's in her best interest.

However, I do try to watch the way I "rule". I try not to act bossy or commanding when I talk with him about what needs to get done-just matter of fact. I try not to get angry when he gives her a popsicle right before dinner. I shouldn't have to tell him why that is not a good idea, but apparently he needs me to so I do-as calmly as possible with as little venom in my speech as possible since I do love him (I have to remind myself of this sometimes).

He is great at the fun times-playing, the park, reading stories etc. The rest, he needs a lot of help and he's my little worker bee.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I am not defending your DH at all, but I rarely put DS in a heavy coat and hat to bring him to daycare.

I would warm the car up and the heat would be blasting. I didn't want the heavy coat on him in the carseat, so he was just in a fleece. DS would never keep the hat or mittens on either, so I just stopped putting them on him to just go from the house to the car.

I would leave the coat at daycare, along with a set of mittens and a hat. I also kept an extra hat and mittens in the car - if we got stuck somewhere and I need it. Maybe it would help if he did that too?

I always do the dropoff and pickup, it's rare that DH does it. I remember everything because I am the mom, but also it's part of my regular routine. I know this is one thing, and it sounds like you are frustrated about more than just this one incident, but for me, it helped if I accepted that DH just wasn't going to do certain things the way I do, and pick my fights accordingly.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I am sorry.....
My hubby is a complete idiot with taking care of DS. After a year I thought it would have gotten better. But it is no where near better. Everyday I also have to tell him what to do and what time to do it. I have to tell him no computer while he is watching the baby. Don't leave him roaming the living room if he goes to the bathroom....Some men are dumb! They think they know everything. He will get screwed one day. His stupidity will come back and bite him in the a$$....

I hope your dh starts to listen more...Maybe put a big note up by the front door with what ds needs to be wearing. I had to do that with hubby. It tells him exactly what to do everyday...I hope things get better for you...It is very hard...

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

Posted by dpli

I am not defending your DH at all, but I rarely put DS in a heavy coat and hat to bring him to daycare.

I would warm the car up and the heat would be blasting. I didn't want the heavy coat on him in the carseat, so he was just in a fleece. DS would never keep the hat or mittens on either, so I just stopped putting them on him to just go from the house to the car.

I would leave the coat at daycare, along with a set of mittens and a hat. I also kept an extra hat and mittens in the car - if we got stuck somewhere and I need it. Maybe it would help if he did that too?

I always do the dropoff and pickup, it's rare that DH does it. I remember everything because I am the mom, but also it's part of my regular routine. I know this is one thing, and it sounds like you are frustrated about more than just this one incident, but for me, it helped if I accepted that DH just wasn't going to do certain things the way I do, and pick my fights accordingly.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

thanks everyone. ill try the checklist on the door

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I have find that 90% of the parenting duties fall on the mother. It's just in our nature to do it and unless we specifically spell it out and ask, most DH's don't take the initiative to do it themselves.

Like on the nights that I have something after work and DH picks DS up from daycare- he also gets the bag of dirty bottles that need to be cleaned for me to pump into the next day. Every single night I hand wash the bottles and you would think that he would catch on by now and take it upon himself to clean them but no- I'd have to specifically ask.

I hear you and I've just come to terms with it being primarily my responsibility.


Good for you for having the back up jacket and hat for occasions like this- just pat yourself on the back for being such a great mother to think of everything!

Re: im sad ... fight with DH

I totally understand AND Friday will be DH's first full day with DD without me

As for the hat/coat. I tie the coat through the straps of the diaper bag so he HAS to take it off in order to out the bag on his shoulder. Then, I put her hat IN the sleeve so it will pop out when he is putting the coat on her. If she had mittens, I would put them in the hat -- although I fear this may end up with her wearing mittens on her head for a bit.

DH and I are currently fighting b/c he let the dog lick her fully on the mouth for a full minute until she was out of breath. . . and I "never let anyone have any fun" b/c I stopped it.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

flowers, of course he sends flowers. now, how can i be mad

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

Posted by maymama

flowers, of course he sends flowers. now, how can i be mad

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

Awwwhhh....He def is sorry!! I would accept that as his sorry! and maybe a little !!! J/k!!

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

Posted by LoveMySMT09

Posted by maymama

flowers, of course he sends flowers. now, how can i be mad

how can you be mad???

because LV or coach would have been better




you still have to have the discussion, flowers or not. maybe just dont throw anything at him now, ya know - bc of the flowers

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

what a good boy!!! i never would have gotten that!

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

Awe, that is so sweet he brought you flowers, they are beautiful fall colors too.

I think he obviously feels bad and hopefully he can learn from this.

I agree, you should still talk and have a "101" class, lol. Good luck!

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

wow, I think you have a good hubby on your hands! Mine would have never even thought to send flowers...ugh.

Give him a little break (just for today) lol

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

i would drop it.
he knows you were right


to me, flowers say you are not a nag, you are a great mom and i will try harder.

you deserve a nice night after this morning.

Re: im sad ... fight with DH - UPDATE

Posted by Tilde

DH and I are currently fighting b/c he let the dog lick her fully on the mouth for a full minute until she was out of breath. . . and I "never let anyone have any fun" b/c I stopped it.