How do you do it?

We got news today that our first IVF was unsuccessful.

I know many of you have been through much more and I'm still so new here - but still - I'm turning to you.

I know it was probably naive, but I always looked at IVF as a "last resort" and I guess I just assumed that if we ever got to that point that it would WORK. I'm young. I'm healthy. I'm confused. Out of the 12 eggs that fertilized, we put back 2 and all other 10 made it to freeze. I thought we had some good embies there. I thought we'd have twins. I feel so silly now.

How do you handle this emotionally? Financially? How do you do this??? I respect all of you so much for having been through this heartbreak before, so please... any advice you have or anything would really be appreciated.

Message edited 12/26/2008 10:13:34 PM.

Re: How do you do it?

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is no easy way. It suckkss, it suckks big time. You cry, you grieve, you get angry, then you suck it up and fight, and you fight again, and keep trying for what you want.

Soon the money just becomes a number, if you asked me 5 years ago if I would spend 30K on this I probably would have said I couldnt possibly. Here I am now prepared to double that.

I too, was young, healthy, with amazing odds and expected twins. Shitt, I remember worrying about mutliples from clomid.

Hopefully this will be the hardest part for you. So many woman get PG on their first FET. There must be something to the stress a fresh cycle puts on your body.

So give yourself the time you need to grieve then get back on the horse and fight like helll. You've got 10 good frosties, there is a baby in there

Re: How do you do it?

I'm sorry sweetie. My first IVF cycle was 'technically' successful, but it didn't really work as I had a chemical/etopic-- they're still not really sure. It was devastating...

You're probably going to get the answer "You just do". Really, that's what it comes down to...
You'll get through this. I always tried to think of the '1st' IVF cycle as a trial period- just because it didn't work it doesn't mean that the next one won't or that an FET won't, KWIM?

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I wish i had the right words for you. I, too, just failed my first IVF. I was devastated, beyond words. I remember saying to a friend, this is it. There is nothing else to turn to, it has to work. When it didn't, I felt an unbelievable sense of failure.

The only thing I can tell you is that I switched my RE. I felt they missed some things that they should have found. I started lupron on xmas eve and I am moving on. I needed to know where t go, when I was feeling at my lowest, the only thing to help me was to find a new plan.

i am so terribly sorry it didn't work for you. Please dont lose hope, sometimes it is all we have to get us through!
Best of luck to you...

Re: How do you do it?

I must tell you that I handle my infertility well because it is preferable to being devastated. I remind myself the following things:

1. Nobody ever promised me that I could have children without any problems. Having your own children is not a guarantee. While I would prefer to have children, it is not a right I have as a woman. If you believe it is your right (and not a preference), you will be miserable.

2. It is not awful, but just unpleasant. War, poverty, and terrorism are awful. Not having your own child is just unpleasant. If you believe it is awful, you will make yourself miserable.

3. I can handle this. While I would prefer to not have to deal with this, it certainly won't kill me. Who said that just because I want it to happen now means that it has to? Life is unfair and to believe that bad things only happen to bad people will only make you miserable.

So I make a conscious effort to think rationally about it. To think irrationally will only bring me anger, anxiety, and depression. Instead, my way of thinking makes me disappointed, concerned, and sad. These are healthy negative emotions (unlike the others which are unhealthy negative emotions). Unhealthy negative emotions make you behave in self-destructive and counter-productive ways. Healthy negative emotions make you behave in constructive ways. Being "infertile" sucks enough, why should I allow it to make me more miserable than I have to be about it?

If anyone wants help changing the way they think about their situation, FM me. I can point you in the right direction for some good help.

Message edited 12/26/2008 10:16:42 PM.

Re: How do you do it?

I also had an unsuccessful first IVF cycle. I transferred 2 and froze 7. I thought this would be "it". they would both stick....twins right out of the gate.

I was determined not to POAS before my beta. I didn't feel "different" during the 2WW, and in my gut, I had a feeling it didn't work, but then I'd think, "well other women didn't have symptoms, so maybe it did work...".

When the Dr. told me the test was negative, I was in bit of a shock. I got the call at work, so I went into the ladies' room and had a good cry. My coworkers were supportive too, and let me cry on their shoulders.

I guess the first BFN is the hardest one to get over.....

I can only offer and for a successful cycle for you.

(fortunately, we have excellent insurance)

Good luck!!!!!

Re: How do you do it?

Posted by rose825

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is no easy way. It suckkss, it suckks big time. You cry, you grieve, you get angry, then you suck it up and fight, and you fight again, and keep trying for what you want.

Soon the money just becomes a number, if you asked me 5 years ago if I would spend 30K on this I probably would have said I couldnt possibly. Here I am now prepared to double that.

I too, was young, healthy, with amazing odds and expected twins. Shitt, I remember worrying about mutliples from clomid.

Hopefully this will be the hardest part for you. So many woman get PG on their first FET. There must be something to the stress a fresh cycle puts on your body.

So give yourself the time you need to grieve then get back on the horse and fight like helll. You've got 10 good frosties, there is a baby in there

Re: How do you do it?

Re: How do you do it?

Posted by MrsRbk

Posted by rose825

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is no easy way. It suckkss, it suckks big time. You cry, you grieve, you get angry, then you suck it up and fight, and you fight again, and keep trying for what you want.

Soon the money just becomes a number, if you asked me 5 years ago if I would spend 30K on this I probably would have said I couldnt possibly. Here I am now prepared to double that.

I too, was young, healthy, with amazing odds and expected twins. Shitt, I remember worrying about mutliples from clomid.

Hopefully this will be the hardest part for you. So many woman get PG on their first FET. There must be something to the stress a fresh cycle puts on your body.

So give yourself the time you need to grieve then get back on the horse and fight like helll. You've got 10 good frosties, there is a baby in there

I agree with every word of this. There is no easy way to deal with the devastion of a failed cycle. You do what ever you need to do to grieve, be angry, etc....you then pick yourself up and do it again even if you think at the moment you can't.

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Re: How do you do it?

For me, I rely heavily on my faith. I really think that everyone handles tough situations differently. There are those who say "ok, just get back on the horse", and there are those who say "why is this happening to me", then there's me who always said "look, God, I'm human and will fall to pieces with every bit of bad news, but I'm turning to you to help me out. I need you to HELP me get off of the floor because I can't do that by myself". This really is what gets me thru the bad times.

As far as financially, it sucked having to put everything out of pocket. I just paid in installments until one day the balance was zero. How did we do that (with all of the other expences that a fixer upper home brings), we again relied on our faith.

Re: How do you do it?

The only way I was able to get through the disappointments in my 2 year journey through IF, was to allow myself to feel the pain, devastation, guilt, remorse, etc. I also started counseling, which helped put my emotions and grief into perspective, and helped me realize that, while having another child was deeply meaningful to me, that my life would not end if it wouldn't happen. So I can understand what the other poster is saying, and much of that will be emphasized by a good IF therapist, but the key, however, is to first give yourself all the room in the world to allow yourself to feel the emotions, to feel all the sadness and devastation. After you can open yourself up, honestly, to the feelings, then you can start focusing on other things, and learn to move on.

Also, really, what helped me the most was leaning on those who love me most - my DH, and my friends provided support to me that was just indescribable and really really helped me through those dark moments

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I dont think that post was offensive at all.. The OP asked "how do you do it" and this was her response.. I dont think it meant any of us are the oposite of these things.. She was making a point of how she deals... I dont think it was personal at all.. I actually like this thinking.. I wish I could be like that..

Re: How do you do it?

I handled my IF by allowing myself to grieve and cry! It was an amazing cathartic journey! I was envious of those who had children. I held them and then secretly cried on the inside.

For a while I hid from my friends and did a lot of research. I read a ton of books and changed my RE.

I put my faith in Asian drs. I can't explain why, but I beleive that they have a very different perspective then American drs. I should have cycled at Cornell b/c FIL works there, but I chose a smaller RE office with Asian drs. I took herbs and did a ton of accupuncture.

Financially, I changed jobs to work for the DOE. I HATED my job and would cry every day for the return to my Catholic school. But I kept the goal in mind and tried to steam roll my way through.

My frist IVF took, but I lost the baby in the 9th week. I was devastated! I had complications from the D&C and vowed this was it. I was never going to do another IVF. Yet, when I got AF in Dec. I marched right back into the REs office and started my second cycle. I also decided to put back 5 embryos instead of 2. I thought I had a greater chance of getting pregnant with 5 and I did. I knew that if I were carrying more then triplets, I would have to reduce.

Each person's journey is different and their process is their own. If you feel like screaming and breaking things then go ahead. Do what is best for you!

Re: How do you do it?

Yikes! I just logged in! I didn't mean to start any drama. I was just posting how I deal with infertility. Any use of the word "you" or "your" was meant to be in the general sense and certainly was not referring to the original poster or anyone in particular. I don't read this board enough to know anyone's particular situation enough to comment or do I think it is my place.

The stuff I posted is not my own theory! In fact, it comes from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy which is a philosophy of living. It is how I TRY to approach everything in my life. I am certainly not problem-free, but when I do apply the principles I find that I do much better.

Just to clarify, I was not implying that someone should be doing "cartwheels" when they get a BFN. I was making a distinction with unhealthy negative emotions (anger, depression, anxiety, guilt) and healthy negative emotions (concern, disappointment, irritation, sadness). The research shows that the former create physiological arousal, counter-productive behavior, and pathology whereas the latter produce acceptance, no physiological arousal, and constructive behavior.

This not to say that I NEVER experience unhealthy emotions. It is human nature to think irrationally and experience them. However, when I do, I try and cue my rational thoughts. I find that this converts the unhealthy to healthy and allows me to live my life in an adaptive way.

Of course, I am not saying that someone should not experience grief or loss. It is a normal part of living! Hope that helps clarify my post. I really was just answering the question on how I cope and not placing a judgment on anyone's strategy for surviving this annoying journey.

For me, I believe it is not what happens to you that creates misery but rather your beliefs about what happens to you that does. So I chose to believe rationally so that I mitigate some of the pain that infertility potentially causes.

Dust to ALL!

Message edited 12/27/2008 1:03:40 PM.

Re: How do you do it?

Posted by dilb712

I dont think that post was offensive at all.. The OP asked "how do you do it" and this was her response.. I dont think it meant any of us are the oposite of these things.. She was making a point of how she deals... I dont think it was personal at all.. I actually like this thinking.. I wish I could be like that..

Re: How do you do it?

Everyone has their own way of pushing forward...For me - my philposophy in general, not just with IF was always
" Expect the worst and hope for the best and you'll never be disappointed" ...Some people probably see this as a "glass half empty attitude" but for me, it is the furthest thing from that ...Every month, a treatment didnt work, I just got madder- and it actually became a psychological " game" ( for lack of a better word) for me to conquer this demon...I always had the following month on the back burner with a plan , and it felt like it gave me control in a situation that lacked my control...I just knew that one day, I would have a child, however it was that it happened ( whether it be biological, adopted etc...) I forged forward every month, for me, taking breaks wasn't my thing, although I know for others it helps a lot...I also always kept in in my mind that even couples with no IF factors only have a 25% chance of conceiving in any given cycle and I had to allow myself the trial and error of IF treatments to even put me on the same playing field as someone else without my issues before losing any faith that it wouldnt work for us...Sorry for the long ramble , I wish you lots of ( 10 frosties is an excellent # !!) The most I ever had to freeze was 3, and that only happened one time ...It will happen !!!!!!!

Re: How do you do it?

Posted by rose825

I am so sorry you are going through this. There is no easy way. It suckkss, it suckks big time. You cry, you grieve, you get angry, then you suck it up and fight, and you fight again, and keep trying for what you want.

Soon the money just becomes a number, if you asked me 5 years ago if I would spend 30K on this I probably would have said I couldnt possibly. Here I am now prepared to double that.

I too, was young, healthy, with amazing odds and expected twins. Shitt, I remember worrying about mutliples from clomid.

Hopefully this will be the hardest part for you. So many woman get PG on their first FET. There must be something to the stress a fresh cycle puts on your body.

So give yourself the time you need to grieve then get back on the horse and fight like helll. You've got 10 good frosties, there is a baby in there

Re: How do you do it?

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this. I had 5 failed IUI cycles with Clomid and injections and 2 chemical pregnancies before finally getting PG. Each time something failed, I met with my RE, had some more tests done, and did a ton of research. I kept looking forward toward what we could try next. If IVF had failed, we would have done FET. If FET failed, we would have done another fresh cycle and probably added PGD. The only thing I can think of for your situation is to make sure that your uterus is normal with HSG/water sono (if you haven't already done this) and go for genetic testing. Have faith that it will happen for you!

Re: How do you do it?

Having had a few failed cycles myself, I can completely empathize with you right now. Let yourself cry, be mad... however you are feeling at the moment. Believe me, as the days pass and as you move forward, it will get easier. Don't think about the future money right now....as that will somehow work itself out when the time comes to do it again.

I will tell you that an FET cycle is much easier (as far as meds and the amount of time). You are very lucky to have 10 frozen embryos!!! It will feel like a breeze compared to a full IVF cycle.

After my failed IVF, I had a very negative experience with my RE. He gave me a very generic "sometimes it just fails" answer and I immediately switched REs. So, I would make a list of ALL the questions you may have and make an appt w/ your RE.

I promise you, you WILL feel better by the day. Take your time, let yourself heal and then go make use of those 10 frozen embies!!

Re: How do you do it?

i am so so sorry!!!!