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MrsB-07
proud RELAXIVIST
Member since 11/07 2027 total posts
Name:
b
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How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Last night I started reading this book about a woman who knew from the get-go she never wanted children. She met a guy that felt the same way, they got married, and two yrs into the marraige he changed his mind.
The beginning of the book describes an amazing life of a couple that truly just lived for each other and they traveled, live in a city, have fabulous dinners, etc, etc. Needless to say, the wife refuses to change her mind and give up her life and career.
So I know a lot of you girls have kids - how did you decide? Did a lot of the dynamics of your relationship with your DHs change? Do you feel it made everything more rewarding or just completely changed your life in way you never thought? DH and I are pretty sure we want kids, but I just wonder how you know for sure. And I guess I'm wondering how kids change relationships.
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Posted 1/17/08 9:13 AM  |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I never wanted kids. In fact, I really, truly never believed in marriage and never though for a minute I would get married.
And then I met my husband. A year later we were married. A month after that, we were pregnant.
I don't know - I think when I met him, something just clicked inside of me - I can't describe it, it was just a feeling - I KNEW.
Granted, I was still terrified when I got pregnant and had SO many doubts about myself as a mother. But, now that I have my daughter in my life, OMG, it is simply indescribable what kind of impact she has made on me, and our marriage.
I am not going to lie - the impact on our marriage made it rocky at first. Try living with a collicky, no sleeping baby for a year, and obviously it will take its toll on your own sanity and your relationship.
But, once we came out of the cloud and she started developing this funky, fun, devilish little personality, and was able to say, "mommy, I'm happy", or "mommy, I love you" - EVERYTHING changed. Every second I think of her, my heart melts - I'm completely smitten with her, and even more smitten with watching my husband as he develops more and more into an incredible father. It has brought the two of us together on a much deeper, more intimate level. Whenever I'm having a bad day, all I have to do is go home, and get a group hug from daddy and Alex, and that's it - everything is good.
I was just talking to DH last night, asking him, do you think if we never had children you would ever truly understand what we were missing? I really don't know the answer to that - I suspect for myself, I probably wouldn't ever really understand what I was missing. This is just one of those kind of things, for some people, that they just cannot grasp entirely until they are in the experience.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:19 AM |
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TreAnt427
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Member since 8/06 8652 total posts
Name:
Tracy
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I don't have kids, but do want them.
I never really "decided" that I wanted kids, I just always knew. Now that I'm closer to someday having children, I do wonder how it will change my relationship with DH. But then I think having a child will make everything worth it. 
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:25 AM |
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CaMacho
Sisters :)
Member since 7/06 15112 total posts
Name:
Jess
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I don't have children yet, but DH and I have always wanted them. We are both (and always have been) excited to start a family of our own!
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:29 AM |
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Laura1976
Member since 5/05 5754 total posts
Name:
Laura
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I have kids, have always wanted kids and i think its fine that some people don't feel that they want their own kids.
But the other day, my heart broke for one of our clients. She is in her 70's, her husband of over 50 years just passed away and she was saying how they decided that they never wanted children and she was ok with that decision, but now that she is old she looks around at her friends and realizes how much she missed, especially not having any grandkids. It made me so sad.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:30 AM |
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J9-13
We're gonna be big sisters!
Member since 6/06 14887 total posts
Name:
J9
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I think I'm reading the same book! Baby Proof right?
I don't have kids but it really makes you think about how well you think you know someone. Its pretty scary.
Dh and I both know we want kids but while I am ready now, he isn't. Thats totally fine with me but also makes me think "what if he is never ready?" I would imagine that you can't help but feel that you've been lied to all along. I know DH feels that kids will change our lives BIG time and thats why he is not rushing. I never want him to resent me for forcing him into something he is clearly not ready for.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:32 AM |
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nov04libride
big brother <3
Member since 5/05 14672 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I don't have kids, and we debated not having them for a while...But I've been with DH nearly 10 years, and I am so glad we had the time to travel, to do the nice dinners, and to have that time for "us" that I don't feel I would be missing out on those things at that point. I'm doing everything I wanted to do before we get tied down with kids, so that really made the decision for me. We had our time of freedom, and wouldn't have traded it for anything, but we both agree that we do want children to add onto our happy little family. DH is absolutely amazing with kids and is ready for them before I am, but I know we will be on the same page eventually. And I am just as happy that we had so many years together without kids to build our foundation...I know now that we can get through anything, even a year of sleepless nights.
Message edited 1/17/2008 9:41:02 AM.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:33 AM |
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Chatham-Chick
*********************
Member since 5/05 10312 total posts
Name:
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I never wanted children, but I also never wanted to get married. Or maybe it was just that I had never met anyone I wanted to marry and have children with.  All I know is that I never pictured myself in a white dress or with little ones. 
It wasn't until I met my DH when that all changed. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and start a family.
We spent 4 years together prior to getting married, so we were both on the same page about when we should start adding to our family, which was right after the wedding. It took us a bit longer than we expected (2 years), but it eventually happened.  No regrets!!!! (Obviously since we started working on #2 immediately. )
The dynamics in our relationship have changed, but I don't think it's been drastic, but we're fortunate in that we have a strong family support system. We have the ability to travel and do the things we did pre-babies and our family is more than happy to watch our children.
We also get great satisfaction out of doing lots of things with our daughter. We love going out to dinner with her, visiting family & friends, etc.. It's fun and fascinating seeing her experience life.
Message edited 1/17/2008 9:39:57 AM.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:33 AM |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
i have always wanted kids but my DH didn't want any.. not because he doesn't like kids but because of the change in relationship, the greater responsibility, the chance of something being wrong with the child, and the eternal pain of abandoment that the child would have the potential to give you if they wanted nothing to do with you.. well obviously, we have children and things are great.. he loves his children with all of his heart... but i really think he would have been fine without them... that being said, now that they are here he wouldn't give them back
its a very hard decision, and it changes not only your relationship but your whole life.. people like me think it changes life for the better... nothing makes me happier than to see my boys happy... and some people think it changes for the worse.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:33 AM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
Thru the rabbit hole!
Member since 7/06 4412 total posts
Name:
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I don't really feel I "decided" I didn't want kids, I just never wanted children. I would only date men who didn't want children. I think that is something you need to really figure out and discuss at length before you get married, because if one or the other party is adamant one way or the other and the other party is unsure, they better straighten it out before vowing 'till death do us part'.
I like devoting myself to my husband and my volunteer work. We don't go on trips and have “fabulous dinners” and spend all our money on ourselves. We just live a ‘regular’ life, save money, donate money & time to charity weekly, but we do have more time for each other and our hobbies than someone with children does.
I like our dynamic of focusing on each other. I put him first and he puts me first. If we had children, the child would come first and I personally think our relationship would suffer. This is my opinion.
I am not ‘missing out’ because I don’t have the experiences with a child that a couple with a child has, just as they’re not missing out on the experiences that I have because I don’t have a child, my life is just different.
Not having a child allows me to volunteer a lot of my time, and to me there is NO better feeling that the things I have done with that. No one can tell anyone else what their life should be like or made to feel they’re not living it to the fullest because they do or do not have children.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:35 AM |
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sunflowerjesss
Mommy to 3!
Member since 10/05 20369 total posts
Name:
Jesss, duh.
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Growing up one of my biggest dreams was to be someone's "mommy" one day.
I met DH, we hit it off right from the start. He truly completed me. He was everything I wasn't and vice versa.
While going through the stages from dating to marriage we always discussed the "family" we would have.
Never once did either of us feel we didn't want children. But, we took our time. We enjoyed our marriage and being just about us for a while, traveled, spent money frivolously, and matured.
Fast forward 6 years and we are happily married and expecting our first. We couldn't be anymore excited and thankful.
I also believe our relationship will change, but only for the better. We have created a miracle and together we will raise this baby, make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes...all because of this little gift we have been blessed with.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:37 AM |
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anonttcer
BOOOO for fall!
Member since 7/06 10082 total posts
Name:
Meaning a NON ttcer!
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Posted by KittyTheStray
I don't really feel I "decided" I didn't want kids, I just never wanted children. I would only date men who didn't want children. I think that is something you need to really figure out and discuss at length before you get married, because if one or the other party is adamant one way or the other and the other party is unsure, they better straighten it out before vowing 'till death do us part'.
I like devoting myself to my husband and my volunteer work. We don't go on trips and have “fabulous dinners” and spend all our money on ourselves. We just live a ‘regular’ life, save money, donate money & time to charity weekly, but we do have more time for each other and our hobbies than someone with children does.
I like our dynamic of focusing on each other. I put him first and he puts me first. If we had children, the child would come first and I personally think our relationship would suffer. This is my opinion.
I am not ‘missing out’ because I don’t have the experiences with a child that a couple with a child has, just as they’re not missing out on the experiences that I have because I don’t have a child, my life is just different.
Not having a child allows me to volunteer a lot of my time, and to me there is NO better feeling that the things I have done with that. No one can tell anyone else what their life should be like or made to feel they’re not living it to the fullest because they do or do not have children.
That was extremely well written and I couldn't have said it better myself!
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:40 AM |
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kahlua716
3 Girls for Me!
Member since 8/07 12475 total posts
Name:
Keri
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I think I read that book too
When I was younger, I always said I never wanted marriage or children- I was going to be a fly by the moment career woman lol.
Well, I ended up married (happily ) and I now feel my life wouldn't be complete without children- I guess the maternal thing is starting to kick in.
I know I'm not quite ready yet (DH is pushing the matter more and more lately though- he wants them now) but within the next year or two I want to start TTC.
Its all a matter of personal choice. I want to have the life at the beginning of the book for a little while, but eventually, I want there to be more than just us.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:41 AM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
i never wanted kids. i always thought they would take up too much of my time, and i was having too much fun.
then i met DH. and i knew what an amazing father he would be. i couldn't wait to marry him and have his kids!!
to be totally honest i would have been fine waiting another year or two to get PG, but DH wanted kids right away, and my grandparents are getting older and aren't in the best of health, so i got PG more for them than anyone else. i am thrilled to be PG, and i am totally falling in love with the little spec that is my baby, but i am happy more than anything that i was able to do this for my family.
i totally understand when people say they don't want kids, but i am always curious if they will regret it when it's too late.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:52 AM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Posted by KittyTheStray
I like our dynamic of focusing on each other. I put him first and he puts me first. If we had children, the child would come first and I personally think our relationship would suffer. This is my opinion.
First, I just want to say that I really admire your introspection, and I don't think for a minute that having children is right for everyone (my mother, for example), and that one of the worst things a couple can do is to have children "just because".
But, I also wanted to add, that I think this part of what you said is a common misconception - or, if not a misconception, a common mistake that many parents make. I can say, at least in our family, while we do give a lot of attention to our daughter, I have made absolutely every attempt to keep much of our focus on our marriage and ourselves. I remind myself every day that the greatest gift I can give to my child is the example of a healthy, loving marriage where the parents are focused just as much on each other, as they are on their children. For us, at least, it makes for a much happier family dynamic.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:53 AM |
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Waste06
Waste not, want not
Member since 6/06 7219 total posts
Name:
Lois Mom Mommy Mama Ma
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Posted by KittyTheStray
I am not ‘missing out’ because I don’t have the experiences with a child that a couple with a child has, just as they’re not missing out on the experiences that I have because I don’t have a child, my life is just different.
Not having a child allows me to volunteer a lot of my time, and to me there is NO better feeling that the things I have done with that. No one can tell anyone else what their life should be like or made to feel they’re not living it to the fullest because they do or do not have children.
I really like what you said here. Your life is YOURS. You do what makes you happy. I think that is very important.
As for my DH and I, we'll get there when we get there. If/when we decide to have children, it will be on our schedule, not someone elses. There are no definites either way with us.
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| Posted 1/17/08 9:59 AM |
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ChrisDee
My Girls
Member since 11/06 9543 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
For DH and I it was a no brainer, we both wanted kids. There was never a thought for either of us not to.
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:01 AM |
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ml110
LIF Adult
Member since 1/06 5435 total posts
Name:
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
we do want kids... but i've known for along time that i won't be able to have my own bio kids. so i admit, there are times when i think " ok... maybe i'm not supposed to have kids then" and i do think about how nice it is right now without kids to hvae extra money to travel and to go out to nice dinners, to just pick up and go out whenever we want without worrying about getting a babysitter and all that. but. i think that might get old after awhile....
i do work with kids every day so i do get my "kid fix" that way. and i do see what i would be missing out on if we didn't have kids- they can be so fun and so sweet.
DH is not ready for kids yet- hes had basically no exposure to them (hes an only child and his fmaily all lives far away), so i think it scares him a little bit LOL he also worries about how much it will change our lives when we do have kids- he likes being so carefree now and being able to save a lot of money...
hopefully in a couple years we'lll adopt- so we have a few more years to get all of the "Carefree-ness" out of our systems
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:26 AM |
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igottabeme
Its peanut butter jelly time!
Member since 1/08 2340 total posts
Name:
Wouldnt you like to know! ;)
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Posted by CaMacho
I don't have children yet, but DH and I have always wanted them. We are both (and always have been) excited to start a family of our own!
ditto. it was never something we had to discuss or make a decision about. we both love kids and cant wait to have a family of our own.
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:30 AM |
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greenfreak
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Member since 9/06 11483 total posts
Name:
greenfreak
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
As usual, I completely agree with Kitty on this subject but more specifically:
Posted by KittyTheStray
I am not ‘missing out’ because I don’t have the experiences with a child that a couple with a child has, just as they’re not missing out on the experiences that I have because I don’t have a child, my life is just different.
Not having a child allows me to volunteer a lot of my time, and to me there is NO better feeling that the things I have done with that. No one can tell anyone else what their life should be like or made to feel they’re not living it to the fullest because they do or do not have children.
Put simply, don't pity me for not having children and I won't pity you for having them.
While other people may say they worry about us being lonely in our later years, that's a selfish and misguided reason to have a child. I know that's not exactly what people mean but if that's your only incentive, you shouldn't have them. It's hard to believe that people suddenly have this far-reaching compassion for me in my later years and being lonely. I think that comes from people's own dream of being taken care of by their own children/grandchildren when they're old and infirm. That's not my dream.
We are judged constantly with comments you would not believe by parents. They fail to realize that the problem lies with them. We are just fine with our decision, thank you.
Message edited 1/17/2008 10:33:47 AM.
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:31 AM |
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greenfreak
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Member since 9/06 11483 total posts
Name:
greenfreak
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
One last comment... We love kids too. And I've heard time and time again how great I am with all my nieces and nephews. Our decision not to have our own does not preclude us from enjoying or loving them as much as we can.
Ok, now I'm done.
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:33 AM |
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SweetTooth
I'm a tired mommy!
Member since 12/05 20105 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
There wasn't a decision. I just always knew. When I met my husband, that became even stronger because I knew I wanted to have kids with him.
We talked about kids before getting married and knew it was something we both wanted.
I feel that having children will only add to my life, not take anything away.
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:35 AM |
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Kissy331
My two miracles!
Member since 5/06 17826 total posts
Name:
Kristen
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
It truly was not a decision I made. I just always knew that I wanted to be a "mommy" I feel it is one of the greatest accomplishments.
When I met DH, he had the same views. Throughout dating & being engaged, we always discussed having our own family one day & how we would raise the children.
Now that I am one step closer to it, I feel more at ease. DH & I have a strong relationship & I feel that kids will only enhance that & not take away from it. DH & I also believe that a child is the greatest gift that we could give each other. To have something that has a little of both of us, that is just a complete miracle. Of course, your time might be compromised but for me, I don't mind it bc the joys of a child are all worth it
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:42 AM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
Thru the rabbit hole!
Member since 7/06 4412 total posts
Name:
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
Posted by greenfreak
One last comment... We love kids too. And I've heard time and time again how great I am with all my nieces and nephews. Our decision not to have our own does not preclude us from enjoying or loving them as much as we can.
I agree - children really love me and gravitate to me, and I am very 'good' with kids. I am sure I'd make a great parent. The comment “some people shouldn't have children - it's great that you know” does not apply to me, if I had a child I would love it and cherish it and do everything I could for the child... but I chose another life. Just because you’re not having children does not mean you’d be a bad parent.
There have been several comments about being 'carefree' without kids, I don't know what you all do, but we have a ton of responsibilities including a house, my DH owns a retail store, continuing education for our jobs, volunteering, our pets, I am involved a little in political lobbying to make changes I feel are necessary… I could go on but you get the idea.
Don’t shortchange your own lives, I guarantee none of you are ‘carefree’ right now!
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| Posted 1/17/08 10:57 AM |
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sami
So very blessed!! Thank u !!
Member since 8/06 6524 total posts
Name:
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Re: How Did You Decide - Kids VS No Kids
I always wanted to get married it happend all so quickly for me I got married later in life ..it took us a while and a little help to get pregnant I am very happy and blessed to have this baby growing in me..since I'am a little older I prayed to god if he would just please send me one baby and I promise and swear up and down I will adopt a baby so that is what our plans are. I think when you meet the right person it all falls into place!
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| Posted 1/17/08 11:01 AM |
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