EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

I EBF my 6 wk old DD. DH wants me to BF, or I should say pump.

I had a breakdown last night. DD was a crying mess last night. Pulling her legs up, screaming, unconsolable for hours. DH kept saying-she's hungry, give her a pumped botlle. I would nurse her, she would sleep for a short time, repeat.

He kept saying she was hungry and not getting enough from my breast. Finally, he gave her the 5 ozs of pumped milk in the fridge and she was out like a light. I still think something else was up-overstimulation, gas.

Now here is where the freak out was on my part-mind you he's said this to me on various occasions-he keeps telling me that she is starving, not getting enough, hence the screaming. I should pump and nurse her 1-2 times a day.

He makes me feel like cr@p, like I am starving our baby, like I am inadequate. It hurts me and makes me cry a lot, like I am failing her.

What am I doing wrong here? I feel like I can't keep up. To add insult to injury, my back has been horrible.

I refuse to give up BFing, not an option, since I love it and she loves it too (more in the AM when I produce more). DH seems to imply that I should exclusively pump, and I don't want to.

First, is there a good website for DH to educate himself on BFing so he "gets" it? I think if he was armed with facts and ideas of how to support me, it would be better. None of his sisters/SIL BF'ed, nor anyone close to us, so this is new to him.

Second-what should I be doing? What am I doing wrong? I do have about 70ozs frozen, but I have a fear of tapping into it and then having nothing. Should I use it and replace with freshly pumped milk ( i have to pump a few times a day after her feedings due to hypothyroidism).

Is she getting enough at night? I feel like there is nothing there for her and she is so upset. Then DH gives her the pumped milk and she's out. Or is it something else? She won't take the paci and sometimes I noticed she fights sleep. What sort of things can I do to calm her down? Does Gripe Water work better than gas drops?

Last, when should I be concerned? She spits a small amount when burped, mucousy white, but not after every feeding, just some. Her poops seem normal. Is it something I am eating?

Thanks-I am so sad. And lost.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

I sooo sorry Michelle!! I dont' have advce since I didnt' BF but wanted to bump your post and give you lots of hugs!!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

If you can pump enough to fill bottles then I'm sure the baby can get enough milk. She prob was more satisfied with the bottle b/c it's easier to get the milk & the sucking soothed her (assuming it gas making her uncomfortable).

I don't think you're doing anything wrong

Message edited 4/12/2010 10:15:29 AM.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

If she is gaining weight, then she is getting enough.
Around 6 weeks is a time when many newborns go through a growth spurt, so you may just need to nurse her more often right now.
The bottle may soothe her because it is a lot easier to get the milk out of the bottle then out of the breast.
Kellymom is a great resource for facts about BFing.

I think you should really talk to DH about how he is making you feel. Tell him you know he just wants what is best for DD but that he is really hurting you.

Message edited 4/12/2010 10:16:54 AM.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

ur not doing anything wrong, if anything, babies are more efficient on the breast than u pumping, so I'm sure she's getting enough. As another poster said she may be cluster feeding and going through a growth spurt, DD went through this as well!!!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

He has to remember that dirty diapers equals a well fed baby! Also, if she is gaining weight, she is getting enough!

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with supplementing with formula or pumped milk, but I think he has to follow your lead with the bf'ing, and some times, babies are fractious and moody in the evening...stuff happens. If your baby is happy normally, keep up the good work with the bf'ing!!!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Thanks everyone. I do read Kellymom a lot. I think I will have DH take a look at it.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

ok 5 oz of BM is a lot for a 6 mo old..I was giving 2 oz for the first month and went up a half oz every month and plateaued at 5-5.5 oz and NEVER went up for the whole year I BF/pumped for both DCs!

A BF baby will RARELY turn away at a bottle bec it is just so much easier than Bfing so they take advantage - less work!

It is great you want to stick with it!
In the beginning it is so important to just keep breastfeeding as much as you can and avoid the bottle as much as possible bec you do not want the baby to prefer the bottle bec is is so much easier! You may feed int he beginning every 2 hrs around the clock and that is normal!

I was a frequenter at La Leche Forum
I learned all I needed to know from that website! MY DH actually read a lot on there as well! He was actually the one who found it in the beginning when I was so upset with the troubles we had with my DC#1 and then proceeded to successfully BF/pump both DCs for a full year!

BFing is def a lot "easier" with the support of your SO...so def have him read there and another GREAT sight is Kelly mom

another great picture that helped me and my DH realize/put into perspective how much liquid a newborn should get is this pic:

Their stomachs cant take a lot and is often why they spit up a lot anyway! You will eventually learn the signals of all your DCs cries and nto ALL of them are always hunger! Some babies have a need for sucking/comfort that is not always hunger! THat is why both my DCs were pacifier users! If that soothed my DCs I knew that was what they needed but if they still cried I would offer the breast!

If you have any other questions do not hesitate! It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it is a full commitment - which it sounds like you have! Good luck! Hope my babbling has helped a little! Hopefully your DH will realize and learn along with you!

Message edited 4/12/2010 10:24:37 AM.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

One of the biggest reasons that women give up on BF is lack of support from a spouse. You need to sit him down ASAP and tell him he needs to be supportive of this. It is hard to not "know" how much you are giving your baby. It is hard for your husband not to be able to help. But his only job is to be supportive of BF. I think it is super important to get this accross.

IMO - Stop with the pumped bottles. Your baby is an infant. she is going to cry and feed maybe every hour, two hours or 3 hours at MOST. Sometimes they cluster feed. Sometimes they sleep through a feeding. Just feed on demand. You might feel like just a boob sometimes....it will help with your supply. It is HARD. I don't think it gets any easier until about 3 months old.

If you don't have it, get "so that's what they are for" It is a book. I think it helped and DH skimmed through it.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Kellymom.com is an awesome BF'ing resource, both for you and him.

If baby is gaining weight, peeing and pooping from BF then she is getting enough from Mom.

How is she doing with latching? Have you thought about meeting with a lactation counselor? Maybe if you meet with one she/he can ease some of your concerns.If she falls asleep too soon during a session, you could try to wake her up and finish.

Small amounts of spit up in a burp are normal. The pulling up of the legs was usually a good indicator of gas for my DD, and gripe water worked 10X better for her than mylicon did.

If you can still pump after a session and get a good amount, I wouldn't question your supply. Breastmilk is good for 6-12 months frozen (longer in a deep freezer), good to have on hand if you're going back to work, want to go out etc. As she gets older you will be able to go longer and be able to miss a feeding without that feeling of "OMG my chest is going to EXPLODE" and that previously pumped milk will be a Godsend.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Thank you everyone! I am making DH read this tonight.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

I was so worried in the beginning that my DS was not getting enough. I drove myself crazy with it. Everyone kept telling me that if he was gaining weight and having wet and dirty diapers that he was getting enough and they were right. My son cluster fed at night and also just wanted to use me a pacifier to soothe himself that could be what your DD is doing.

Maybe show your Dh the replies to this thread.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

She IS getting enough! If she is gaining weight then do not worry. Men are clueless, its more likely that the reason she ate the bottle of BM was because DH gave it to her and not you. She wants your boobs not a bottle but she will take a bottle from someone else since she knows there is no boob option then.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

She's likely going through a growth spurt. The 6 week growth spurt is huge. She'll probably want to nurse constantly for several days. The best thing you can do is to nurse. That will build up your supply. Also, many babies like to cluster feed at night. DS did this as a newborn.

Newborns also tend to become more fussy in general at night. I think the peak of nighttime fussiness is around 6-8 weeks. DS had an extended witching hour as a newborn. He was fed, his needs were met, but he'd still cry for hours. The 5 S's from The Happiest Baby on the Block helped to calm him.

If DD is gaining weight and has enough wet and dirty diapers, she's getting enough from BFing. Your DH needs to understand that the best thing he can do for both you and DD is to be supportive. Is your pediatrician supportive of BFing? Can your DH go to your next appointment and talk to the pediatrician about his concerns?

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Michi you are doing a FANTASTIC job, I really applaud your dedication, first and foremost. I hated ever frickin minute of BFing. And it really didn't help that from week 1 DH was like "why don't we just switch to formula" blahblahblah. Like, no big deal
I had quite a number of crying sessions over that, alternating with random flying objects all over our apartment directed at his head (i keed i keed, but I would've LIKED to)...
As the hormones settled and I did give up BFing, I realized that to this brand new (and by that I mean CLUELESS) daddy there was a "problem" that needed to be "fixed". So all of his "suggestions" weren't meant to be a slight at ME at all, he just felt helpless and wanted to "fix it" as many guys do. Maybe your DH is feeling the same way on some level?
You don't have to answer this is all rhetorical, but wanted to give my $.02.

Interestingly I have problems that really NEED to be fixed right now - the shelves that remain unhung, the wallpaper border that needs to go up in DS's room before he goes to highschool, the clothes and junk that need to go into storage for the summer.... No obsessive need to "fix it" from DH so far

Keep doing what your doing, Sienna is perfect!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Mich -

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

I agree with everyone here. Also, please tell Jeff that being stressed actually can inhibit milk production, so he needs to be as supportive as possible. She most likely took the bottle because, like PPs said, it was easier and relieved the gas pressure, and not necessarily because she was hungry. You're doing a great job!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

I'm almost in exactly the same boat. I don't have the kind of determination you do, and never have more than 8 oz of pumped milk in the fridge. And I gave up and started giving formula to supplement.

DH is a physician and nothing I explain or make him read makes a difference. He just hears crying and wants to shove a bottle in that mouth. I don't think he knows how to do anything else to soothe the baby.

Here is one thing, that sometimes makes him think before shoving a bottle in there. We are both about 20 lbs overweight and have been the majority of our lives. Breast fed babies have less chance of becoming overweight because they learn to regulate how much they eat. With childhood obesity, and type II diabetes in kids on the rise, its concern for us.



ETA: I'm totally getting gripe water! Thanks for the advice. DS is always crying 20 minutes after feeding and I can't always get him to burp right away sometimes it takes an hour of moving him around.

Message edited 4/12/2010 11:46:42 AM.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Thanks again everyone I will show DH these responses tonight.

Colette-good question-why can't their need to "fix" things translate to the things that need to be done? If so, my car would be washed and the photo printer would be fixed!

Message edited 4/12/2010 11:51:14 AM.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Jeff sounds just like Brian did!! It finally got to the poitn where I just told him to shut the eff up!! Frankie was gaining weight and had plenty of wet and dirty diapers! It took me flipping on him to knock it off! Def not the best advice and I hope it doesn't come to that!! I swear these guys can be such @ssholes!!!!!!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

Michelle, just another point to add to what others have already said -
nighttime often = cluster feedings for little ones. It doesn't mean she's hungry because she's not getting enough, it just means that at certain times of day, she will want to go non-stop for no really explainable reason. My DD was like this for awhile. She had a nasty "witching hour" in the early evening and until bedtime basically wanted to nurse on and off for HOURS. It's so hard to see them like that and I remember feeling like I was doing everything wrong but it's just how things are for awhile.

There were times I'd just take her into bed with me, turn on the TV and turn myself over to her until she fell asleep for good

I BF'd for 13 months and you can too - just try to relax and tell DH to leave you alone

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

check out the BF forum at http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?f=27

and just mothering.com in general....

sounds like you're doing fine...good luck!

Re: EBFing with a clueless DH? And a NB Question.

if he is giving her pumped bottle , then she sleeps I would say she is hungry. has this just happened once, or a few times? maybe she needs more?

I was never able to keep up enough milk for my DS I always had to supplement with formula. it is what it is