add this to the morbid question group...

well its my turn to ask a morbid question. i just want to get this off of my chest.

this week is a hard week for me. my oldest ds (who would have been 4 1/2) passed away 4 years ago this thursday. he was listed for a liver transplant, and never got the organ he needed to survive. anyways, that isn't the point.

i haven't been to the cemetery in several months. he is buried in a beautiful place, but i just can't bring myself to get there. i did not want him buried. i just don't like the idea of a place for people to go and be sad. i gave in, and had him buried, because dh and i did not pay for the funeral, and i thought it was only right to listen to the overall wishes of the family. i regret not voicing my opinion.

for those of you who have lost a loved one, when you visit their burial place, do you feel like they are still "there"? when i do go to the cemetery, it just feels empty. i feel nothing when i go there. this time of year is hard enough, and i just can't keep forcing myself to go to a place that i don't feel connects me to him.

please don't quote, i will be taking this down...

Re: add this to the morbid question group...

I am very sorry for your loss

Both my parents have passed on, and TBH I feel nothing when I go to the cemetary...I do visit occassionally but its more so to make sure that perpetual care is being kept up on etc...

When I want to "speak" to them, I do it privately wherever I wish to and find more comfort in that than visiting their burial site , so I completely understand your feelings ...

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad in 1997... and haven't been the cemetery in several years. Some people find it very comforting... I am not one of those people. My dad wasn't one of those people.

So, like the PP I just speak to him privately when I need to... but I don't feel any need to visit a hole in the ground. One thing, I get from my dad is finding comfort in making things funny... so I do a lot of that.

I honor him in the way that works for me, and my family... you can do the same. Do not feel guilty for not going.

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thank you to both of your for your comforting words. i'm feeling better already.

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Soo very sorry for your loss! And its stories like this that made me become an organ donor! That little heart on my drivers license reminds me of how I can one day save a life and heartache for another fam...I dont get why more people arent donors... Anyhoo...

On the rare occasion that I do go to the cemetery to visit family, all I can think about is a pile of bones with clothes on... or how im surrounded by dead bodies.. It creeps me out a little to be honest.... I have gotten sad going to see my grandfather who is in the wall... and then even more sad to know that 1 day, he will get pushed to the back and my grandmother will take his place in front of him...

That being said, I am still all for cremation of my own body... Its rare that you will get visitors at a cemetary once you've passed on (unless you passed under some crazy circumstance like 9/11)... I would love for my fam to celebrate my life.... go on a cruise (my all time fav vacay) and spread my ashes at sea... to know thats where i wanted to be KWIM? Like you, I'd rather fam and friends not be sad... and not be reminded of death

ETA: just wanted to add, please dont feel guilty for feeling emptiness while there... everyone chooses to mourn/grieve/and continue to celebrate that persons life in their own ways... and there is nothing wrong with that... it seems like it may be more upsetting to you that you and your DH did not have the final say in the burial... that must be something very hard to cope with... but know that your ds loves you regardless and watches over you and knows how much he is loved its the litte things that count...

Message edited 11/6/2010 9:59:24 AM.

Re: add this to the morbid question group...

Many hugs for your loss. He's not in the ground, he's in your heart.

While I don't consider them "there" but, I strongly believe in the rituals of death which have helped people cope for centuries - including going to a place when you need your own place to go with your own thoughts. For some it's a graveyard, for me it's always been a cove by my house.

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you know you're in our thoughts.

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Some people are into the cemetary thing and others are not, I do not think either is wrong or right, everyone feels better doing different things and that is just fine.

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I've had a lot of death in my immediate family in the past 2 years. Grandma, Dad, and Grandpa. I go to the cemetery often... every holiday, birthday, death anniversary etc and just to visit. Its not that I think my loved ones are there. I know their bodies are but not their spirit. I talk to them everyday. I go to pay respect to them to their remains I guess and to make sure things are taken care of at their graves.
I never feel like I NEED to go to the cemetery its more like I have to go because its the "right thing" to do in my family.


So sorry for your loss

Message edited 11/6/2010 12:32:15 PM.

Re: add this to the morbid question group...

for you

whenever my family goes to visit my grands and uncle, my mom always talks to them. When she does, I always feel like they're listening somehow.

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I lost my sons almost 18 years ago. (Twins born prematurely. They lived about an hour a piece)..

They are buried in Baby Land at Pine Lawn...

No...I dont think that they are there...

I find it sad when I go there. So many little ones. So many parents tears. So many dreams crushed...

But I like having somewhere to go. I dont go often. But I like having somewhere to go...somewhere where their names are engraved...something concrete to show the world that once upon a time there were 2 little boys named Jonathen & Andrew H.

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I lost my mom and my gram within 3 weeks of each other in 2008.
Their "anniversaries" are coming up and I hear you, the holidays are HARD!
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

I go to the cemetary and talk to them. Just gives me comfort. I "talk" to them a lot. No matter where I am.

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sorry for your loss

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Im so sorry for your loss and I feel the same way when it comes to visiting my close relatives at the cemetery.

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i'm so sorry for your loss.

typically i don't feel anything when I go. There was a time when I was going, I think not so much feeling like the person was there, but that it was a time for me to reflect back on memories. I feel like they'd be listening from where ever i start talking to them from.

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Im so sorry about your son

I have not experienced any great loss in my life so far, so I cant speak for myself. But my husband lost his father when he was 16, back in 1993. His dad died 5 days after his 40th bday very suddenly.

We go to the cemetery occasionally..but DH has said that he just goes to go through the motions and to make sure his space is being taken care of I guess..that going there doesnt make him feel any closer. Its the every day things he thinks of that will remind him of his dad, or just thinking of him privately.

Not going doesnt make you a bad person. Im sure not a day goes by you dont think about him and thats what matters.

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I am very sorry for your loss.

Honestly when I go to the cemetary to visit family members' graves, I rarely think about the person...I think more about the fact that I went to say I "went". I find myself thinking more about the person when I am not standing at their grave, forced to think about it, kwim? I can understand what you are saying. Sometimes it feels odd to me too. For some people it is comforting, others it's just to go through the motions and it's more "normalcy".

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i feel nothing at funerals or cemetaries. It is so fake and empty to me. The whole ritual we put around our grief. Doesn't work for me. I a so sorry for your loss

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I am so sorry for your loss.

I also do not really feel any more "connected" to the person when I am at their grave site. For me I choose to connect with them in a more private way, I don't think you need to be at their burial location. I believe that when you pass your soul moves on so I don't think their body is really "them" anymore, kwim?

I am sorry you felt you got pushed into things with your Sons passing.

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I'm so very sorry for your loss

I'm in the same boat as you, i dont feel anything going to there grave...i much rather remember them at home in my own special way...one of my best friend died 6 years ago and i have been to the grave twice...i just can't bring myself to go

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i ended up stopping by the cemetery today. when i got there i so badly wanted something profound to hit me, but nothing did. it is a peaceful, quiet place. yet, still empty. i guess i'm just coming to terms that he isn't there, and he is with me in one way or another. i did for the first time feel a sense of peace that it was okay that i didn't feel anything being there.

thank you to you all for letting me pour what is left of my heart out there. i really appreciate your experiences and stories. i wish i could describe how much they help.

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to you

I visit the cemetary weekly, to change the eternal candle. I have several loved ones together there. I don't really feel like they are there but I think of things about them while they were alive when I go.
My Grandma is buried there but I know she's around me all the time.

Still the cemetary is like a ritual for me.

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sorry for your loss. I do like going to cemeteries when i don't know the people and just walk around and read the stones but in all honestly when it comes to family I know they are near me always i don't need to visit their resting place. This is one of the main reasons i don't want to buried. Sometimes people go because they feel its their only anchor to that person, to me the photos I have all over, the personal items they gave me are more important then a spot.