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SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

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bpmom
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SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Apparently DH thinks all the household chores are mine now that I'm a SAHM (DS#2 came in Nov). Last night he said that he's surprised he still has to do so much around the house now that I'm home - he said he expected his life to get easier with me not working. Chat Icon

I agree that I expected BOTH our lives to get easier with me not working, but the truth is it's harder than ever to get everything done.

I try to cook dinner and have it ready for him every night when he gets home, the house is fairly clean (except for dog hair that I just can NOT stay on top of), laundry is done, kids are clean (but definitely not quiet), groceries are bought, dog has been out and fed. I take out the trash & recycling, make the bottles, plan the meals, etc...

His comment comes from having to give older DS a bath in the evenings and he puts him to bed. DH doesn't think he should be doing this --- Chat Icon Chat Icon I think it's a way for DH and older DS to spend time together because I get to see both boys all day while DH is at work -- plus I'm usually feeding younger DS or pumping or cleaning up the kitchen from dinner..

He's a wonderful man, excellent provider and if I ask him for help with anything he'll usually do it (feed younger DS, clean a bathroom, fold a load of wash) but I don't ask him to do those things a lot. Am I out of line for expecting him to help take care of our life? I think HE is out of line to think that bringing a 2nd baby into our family would mean less work for him. Selfishly it makes me want to go back to work so he can see how much stuff I do take care of.

Posted 2/4/10 8:36 AM
 
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Marcie
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

I am sorry but if my DH said that to me...we would not be on speaking terms at all right now....

I am sorry he said these things to you Chat Icon

Instead of spending time with his kids when he gets home...what is it he would like to do????

I know when my DH comes home...it depends on his mood...he might need a couple of minutes to unwind...but then he gets right into playing games with our DD or whatever I need him to help me with. We never set rules....he does not expect the house to be clean, or laundry to be done, etc ...and you know what most days it isn't...he comes home and helps clean up...and never complains about it...I am the one that feels bad about it and trys to have him relax or play with DD.

I think you both need to sit down and have a one on one talk about what you both 'expect' from each other...being a stay at home mom/dad...is its own job...then comes the rest Chat Icon

Posted 2/4/10 8:43 AM
 

JenandMikey
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

yes my dh believes that all the household jobs are my jobs as do I since my dh does have two jobs but I do ask things of him if he is out of work with his second job for a long while because he sits around the house and does nothing so he might as well chip in other than that though I do believe that anything that has to do with our daughter and soon to be dc#2 is not my job alone....I understand he might be tired but being a sahm doesn't mean that you are taking the role of father as well so dh does feed my dd, change her etc when I need him to do it/ask and he doesnt complain bc he realizes he might have two jobs but the most important third job is being my dd's daddy

Posted 2/4/10 8:44 AM
 

iwed2005
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Julie

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

I have to say my dh had the same attitude when i was at home with my grls for about a year. I do think he (as much as mine) is out of line to think it was going to be easy. I don't know where they get the idea that managing a household and taking care of two kids is easy work. It is DAMN hard!!! Honestly i went back to work and it just made it triple harder :(

Posted 2/4/10 8:46 AM
 

Bxgell2
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Beth

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon I'm just coming off of my 6 month maternity leave with DD#2, so I can relate.

We agreed from the start that I would handle more of the day-to-day household and kid responsibilities while on leave, which I did. But, even WITH DD#1 in school all day, I found it impossible to get everything done! We have cleaners that come, at the time, twice a month. While at home, I would take Yael and Alex to and from doctor appointments, do all the grocery shopping, tidy up the house, all the laundry, the dishes, etc. That usually ate up most of my day.

DH was great - he still helped out - A LOT. When he got home, he would prepare dinner while I tended to both girls. And while I put Yael to sleep, he would always, always, always give Alex her shower, and put her to bed, and never complained about it. And in the mornings, he always took Alex to school, while I stayed with Yael.

He couldn't complain because even with all that, his life was STILL easier. He NEVER ever had to wake up with Yael during the night - I took all responsibility for that, considering he needed to work. And he slept SO much better while I was on leave because, when both girls woke up in the AM, I would wake up with them, play with them, dress them, feed them, pack Alex's bag, etc. So, DH slept in each and every single morning, until 8-8:30am, and all he had to do when he got out was put Alex in the car and drop her off at school.

Now that I'm working again, it's a whole different story - I'm out of the house by 6:45am, so he has to wake up earlier, dress Alex, feed her, tend to Yael, and get both girls in the car and off to school.

So, my long-winded answer is that your DH needs to suck it up - having two children and staying at home is a LOT of work, and you aren't superwoman, and cannot do EVERYTHING, nor should you. And being a SAHM does not, nor will it ever, substitute for his involvement as daddy - that one-on-one time with the kids, for him, and for them, is absolutely essential Chat Icon

Posted 2/4/10 8:47 AM
 

Bops
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

I don't agree with your DH, sorry...

That would mean that a SAHM's "job" is a 24 hour shift and that a work away from home dad , works his 8 hour day (or whatever his shift is) and he's "done" ...No way !

Besides the fact that I think that the time they do get to see their DC's should be some what of bonding time
( The Cats in the Cradle song always comes to mind )...Of-course, everyone needs tome to unwind ( but that also mean you !)

Posted 2/4/10 8:50 AM
 

bpmom
Feeling Blessed

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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Last night when we had this conversation I was actually getting dizzy because I couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth.

I told him I couldn't believe what I was hearing and that I didn't marry a man who expected a 1950s wife. The man I married was warm, sweet, considerate, and wanted to be a Daddy.

I asked him what he'd prefer to be doing instead of giving older DS a bath -- watch TV? Play backgammon online? To me, nothing is more important than our children. Would he rather see me struggle to hold younger DS and give older DS a bath while he's sitting on his arse from his day at work?

We acknowledge our marriage is in a bad place right now - thankfully before younger DS was born we booked a weekend away for this weekend - just the two of us. and boy do we need it. I don't want to resent him and I don't want him to resent me, but boy this parenting thing is hard.

Posted 2/4/10 8:51 AM
 

JennZ
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Well I do ALL house things, from laundry to food shopping. Could DH do some of it? Yes, BUT I do things a certain way, and I am way to obsessive to have it done another way.

I go back to sending DH to the store for milk. He called me from Waldbaums and askes "wheres the milk" By the time I told him, the wasted mins on the cells and the huffing and puffing that came with it, it is easier for me to do it.

He does Garbage and BJ's runs, because I hate both those.

He does get a taste of "my life" on the nights I work, and since I started working again, he *I think* gets it more and is more willing to assist in the little things. He still wont do bath time, It freaks him out with Ds in the tub (DH is a HUGE nervouse Nelly) and he has a back of an 80yr old, so it kills him.

But, he has stepped up and gets it more.

Posted 2/4/10 8:56 AM
 

Celt
~~~~~~~~~~

Member since 4/08

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colette

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Jeez what an insensitive thing to say to you,I'm sorry Chat Icon It just really sounds like a good old communication issue IMHO. I really think they just don't "know" how much work goes into having clean house, happy kids, meals prepare, laundry done, yaddayaddda. And frankly, how CAN they know, when they've never had to do it, and so many of you ladies (not including myself here Chat Icon ) make it look SO EASY????
I find it hard to do all you do with just ONE DC, having 2 so close together might push me over the edge Chat Icon
The weekend away sounds GREAT, you both need it!!! Once you guys get back, maybe you can have a talk about how to better divide the "chores" - granted you'll still have the bulk of them but there HAS to be an item or two DH handles daily - I've told my DH (even BEFORE we had DS btw) that he LIVES here, he's not a guest, so he can and should step up and act like it!!!
Oh and regarding the dog hair, is there any way you can spring for this I know it's $$$ but I have the "plain"one not the "pet" one and it has improve my LIFE drastically!!!!! It won't replace vacuuming but can really help keep on top of things day to day!!! Even if you buy it on a credit card an pay off $50 a month it will help you SO much!!!!
Good luck and I hope you have a fabulous getaway weekend!!!!

Posted 2/4/10 9:12 AM
 

computergirl
LIF Adult

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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

I do almost all the household chores-- cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, finances etc. I do this voluntarily because DH is away from the kids all day and I imagine that when he's home in the evenings and on weekends, the last thing he wants to do is spend more time away from the kids doing chores. He offers to do more, but honestly unless I'm sick or something, I tell him just go play with the kids instead.

So I don't mind taking over the lion's share of the chores, but with the understanding that DH helps with a LOT of the childcare stuff when he's home-- he does baths for both kids, we each put one kid to bed, and a night or two a week he'll put both kids to bed to give me an extra break, etc. On weekends he's probably more responsible for the kids than me, he takes over making food for the kids, changing the baby's diapers etc.

So that's an arrangement that works well for us. DH gets the most time with the kids that he can, considering he works all day, and I get a much needed childcare break.

Posted 2/4/10 9:13 AM
 

SweetTooth
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Member since 12/05

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Lauren

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Wow, I would be so pi$$ed if DH said that to me.
1) for the comment itself, and 2) he said because he gives his kid a bath and puts him to bed. He view spending time with his child as work?

I would sit DH down for a good conversation about what my day is like and why I like for him to do the things above.

I WAH, so it is not the same as a SAHM situation. I don't have time to do anything at all.

Posted 2/4/10 9:17 AM
 

conigs25
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

does he know what stay at home MOM means?? youre a mom and taking care of the kids. the household chores are secondary imo

Posted 2/4/10 9:17 AM
 

browneyedgirl
family is all that matters

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browneyes

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

while i'm home on maternity leave (7 months for DS, 3 for DD) i do all the house things. i want it that way. i know how hard it is to go to work all day and then have to come home and do house stuff. i want DH to relax for a bit when he comes home so he can just play with the kids. i don't look at them as chores, they're my "job" as well as taking care of the kids. everything doesn't get done every day, but it gets done eventually.

so i guess it's just different for everyone.

if what he said upsets you, continue the conversation with him and don't give up until you have ironed out the differences in the way you picture your household to be run. good luck.

Posted 2/4/10 11:35 AM
 

Shelleybean11
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Posted by conigs25

does he know what stay at home MOM means?? youre a mom and taking care of the kids. the household chores are secondary imo



ITA. There are days that DS makes it impossible for me to do all the chores I would like to, DH has to understand that. He is working, and I am working taking care of DS. I try to get it all done and if I don't I ask him to watch DS when he is home so that I can cook and clean.

Posted 2/4/10 11:42 AM
 

jlk51496
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Katie

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Posted by Marcie

I am sorry but if my DH said that to me...we would not be on speaking terms at all right now....

I am sorry he said these things to you Chat Icon

Instead of spending time with his kids when he gets home...what is it he would like to do????

I know when my DH comes home...it depends on his mood...he might need a couple of minutes to unwind...but then he gets right into playing games with our DD or whatever I need him to help me with. We never set rules....he does not expect the house to be clean, or laundry to be done, etc ...and you know what most days it isn't...he comes home and helps clean up...and never complains about it...I am the one that feels bad about it and trys to have him relax or play with DD.

I think you both need to sit down and have a one on one talk about what you both 'expect' from each other...being a stay at home mom/dad...is its own job...then comes the rest Chat Icon



I could have written the same thing! My husband doesnt expect anything when he gets home..that is often when I start dinner or loads of laundry just get put in! He does the vacuuming and cleans the toilets and mops the bathroom and kitchen floor weekly (I do the sink/countertop/mirrors) but this isnt always written in stone either! My DH is great and knows how two is double the handful! Hopefully your DH will realize this soon! Good luck!

Posted 2/4/10 11:47 AM
 

jprimrose
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

My DH does not think that all the household chores are mine now that I am a SAHM. If he did we would definitely get into an argument. He understands that I am taking care of our DC all day and cannot do all the household chores. I do a lot of the cleaning just because I am better at it, but he will do it if I ask him. He always washes dishes, cleans the sippy cups, takes out the garbage, and when he is home takes care of the DC. He also does a lot of the grocery shopping.

Posted 2/4/10 11:49 AM
 

Diana1215
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Diana

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

I'm sorry, but what you are asking him to do (bathe your child) is NOT considered a household chore. It is considered him being a father.

My idea - leave him alone with the two kids for one WHOLE day. See how much he gets done. Chat Icon

Posted 2/4/10 11:54 AM
 

Tine73

Member since 3/06

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*********

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

OMG - i would kick him! Chat Icon

Just bc you stay home doesn't mean you have to do EVERYTHING. You are not a slave. I went PT this last summer and my DH helps out as much as he did before. I try to make dinner every night - it doesn't always happen. Like last night when he called at 5:30 to find out what we were having and I said, "Oh Sh!t!." He brought home Subway for us. Chat Icon

You need a break too!!! He needs to get on board!!Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 2/4/10 12:37 PM
 

Ophelia
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remember, when Gulliver traveled....

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

I think there is a difference between household chores and taking care of your children.

if I was home *I* would expect to not have dh do much around the house. I would feel that would be my responsibility, or job if you will- cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping...all fine by me.

BUT I don't consider giving your child a bath a household chore. I consider it caring for your offspring...spending time in an intimate moment.

I consider it to be extremely important for my husband to take part in those things...so there would be no "vacation" from those things whether I worked or not.

Message edited 2/4/2010 12:49:01 PM.

Posted 2/4/10 12:45 PM
 

MrsRbk
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Michelle

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Posted by Diana1215

I'm sorry, but what you are asking him to do (bathe your child) is NOT considered a household chore. It is considered him being a father.

My idea - leave him alone with the two kids for one WHOLE day. See how much he gets done. Chat Icon



ITA!!!

With ONE kid I find it impossible to get everything done that needs to get done during the day. I'm not a FT SAHM (yet), but I work PT and am home with DD 2 days during the week. DH will usually say to me something along the lines of "well, at least you have a day off tomorrow"

Umm... I haven't had a "day off" since DD was born thank you very much!

Posted 2/4/10 12:46 PM
 

Mommy2Boys
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C

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

You're DH wouldn't last in my house Chat Icon

We split everything (dusting, mopping, vaccumming, laundry, dishes) even though he works "outside" of the house and I work "inside" of the house. I always do the cooking because he can't cook Chat Icon and he always does the bathrooms because they gross me out Chat Icon

Posted 2/4/10 12:50 PM
 

lvdolphins
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Posted by Diana1215

I'm sorry, but what you are asking him to do (bathe your child) is NOT considered a household chore. It is considered him being a father.

My idea - leave him alone with the two kids for one WHOLE day. See how much he gets done. Chat Icon



ITA! And last year when I was hospitalized for almost a month, DH DID get a taste of it!
That was only with 1 child, my DS.
He came to visiit me in the hospital and the words out of his mouth were "I don't know how you do it"!

I take care of most of the housework (laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning, etc).
DH takes care of ALL outside work (raking, shoveling, gardening, etc.).
He also takes out the garbage and all that every night and he is also the "Bill payer" LOL...
Its pretty much 50/50 around here.
If he EVER said that to me, he'd be sleeping next door with his parents!

Message edited 2/4/2010 12:51:51 PM.

Posted 2/4/10 12:51 PM
 

maybesoon
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Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

hmm, even tho I am home now DH still does certain things. he gives DS his bath a lot, bc he likes to. He also wants to come food shopping with me on the weekend bc he likes to pick certain things, etc. Laundry and cleaning, cooking, I do all of that. If I don't feel like cooking 1 or 2 nights, he'll just pick something up and never complains about it. It's so hard to keep the house spotless with kids all day, so he doesn't really give me a hard time about it.

I would explain to your DH that bathing LO is a way for them to spend "fun time" together before LO goes to bed.

I think you need to "dissappear" on a random Saturday, all day, and he will see how busy you are during the week

Posted 2/4/10 1:07 PM
 

HillW9608
Hello Summer!

Member since 5/08

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Hill

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Posted by Diana1215

I'm sorry, but what you are asking him to do (bathe your child) is NOT considered a household chore. It is considered him being a father.

My idea - leave him alone with the two kids for one WHOLE day. See how much he gets done. Chat Icon



ITA.. a father doing anything with their children is not a chore and I feed bad when I hear that.

I've left DH home with the girls for 5 hours at the most and nothing has gotten done in that time lol.. I didnt expect anything to be done but I know it would be impossible

Posted 2/4/10 1:12 PM
 

lc214
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Christine

Re: SAHMs -- household 'chore' question

Posted by Diana1215

I'm sorry, but what you are asking him to do (bathe your child) is NOT considered a household chore. It is considered him being a father.

My idea - leave him alone with the two kids for one WHOLE day. See how much he gets done. Chat Icon



I agree as well. Honestly, in your DH's defense, I don't think they realize how hard it really is to be home with your children all day and try to get things accomplished. Then imagine trying to add into that day the fun things that you are trying to do with your children. I know, for sure, I didn't realize how hard it was until I did it. I do think it would be important for you to leave him for the day (or two) and see if he still feels the same.

Before I was preggo with this DS, and it was just DS#1 I still couldn't get everything I wanted accomplished most days. Kudos to you moms who can! But DH would come home and give DS a bath while I continued doing the rest of what needed to be done. On weekends, my relief was to do house work while DH spent time with DS so that my break was just time away from DS and finishing stuff that needed to get done without being interrupted.

I really don't know how having two will change things but I know that DH has realized that I am not just hanging out while he is working. I think he mostly knows that because he has spent days with DS alone and knows that it isn't all fun and games!

Hope you and DH can work out this little issue! Chat Icon

Posted 2/4/10 1:16 PM
 
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