Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Let me start off by saying my first nanny/babysitter was AMAZING...I didn't realize how great she was until she went back to work in a school and I had to find someone else.

I have 3 kids...two 4 year olds and a 2 year old. So I get things can get crazy but my current sitter has been irritating me lately.
I'm not sure how to deal with it. I am such a non-confrontational person but I have been getting annoyed more and more lately.

I will say that she loves my kids and they are always safe so I am grateful for that.

Here are things that have been bothering me:

1. When she gets to my house in the am (sometimes 5 or 10 min late/sometimes on time) and when I get home in the afternoon she talks me ear off....like I am her friend...telling me how her kids are in trouble, her husband is annoying her, her other family she babysits for annoys her etc. I hate it! I am either trying to rush out the door for work or when I get home I want to pay attention to my kids not listen to her for 30-34 mins

2. Their sippy cups or straw cups are laying on the floor. NEVER washed. I don't know if it is from the morning or not but still at least rinse them. All other dishes are in the dishwasher though.

3. I started breakfast for them this am before she got there so she didn't have to do it. I made eggs in a muffin tin and they were still in the oven when I left....she just left the tin in the sink.

4. She has been increasingly more lazy about helping them clean up their playroom. I came downstairs today to a bomb and I was pissed. My big kids are more than capable of cleaning up with the younger one naps but they need a little direction they are only 4.

4. She never takes them outside! They are so good when they are outside and love it but she never takes them out. I am convinced its because she doesn't want to take the time to put sunscreen on.

my old sitter works with us once a week in the summer and it is night and day. Everything is perfect when I come home, she washes and puts away every dish she uses, takes them outside etc.

I guess my question is how would you deal with this?

Suck it up....they are minor issues?
Say something? but how?

sorry this is so long!!!

Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

sorry, when you hired her what were the rules or guidelines of her job descriptions ? is their something else going on in your life that is causing you to feel frustrated but using her as the reason?
Did she always talk to you for 30 min but now it bothers you?
How do you know she never takes them out?
two people will so the a job the same way.
The more time that pass without you saying something the more angry and hostile you will feel towards her.

I think if it really bothers you mention it. I would also think about what is most important to you when it comes to the care. Is it the care she gives the kids or a few dishes.

Message edited 8/4/2015 9:53:22 PM.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

if you truly feel like she has gotten too comfortable and lazy, you should bring it up. I know its hard but you don't need the stress and frustration that will build if you don't.
When you get home, after you say hi, say to her bye see you tomorrow. If she tries to talk, say, I'd love to talk but I have to take a shower, or cook dinner or go to the bathroom etc.
PS when you have the talk, make sure you are very clear about what you expect from her, even write it up.
or, just mention that you notice things are messy when you come home

ex, ask her what the day was like for her, ex, so how was your today, what did the kids do etc. mention how you notice toys and AM dishes still lying around when you get home, see what she says.

Message edited 8/4/2015 10:18:14 PM.

Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

And this is why I find having a nanny really hard. You WANT it to feel like family, but it is not family. This is the persons job. I think you have to speak up or I would really consider looking for someone else.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

I have an awesome nanny. She's been with us for 2 years now. I expect her to care for the children, keep them safe and nurture their development. Part of that is to pick up after herself and the kids. She has no problems following through with that. She offered to load everything into the dish washer, but I am super picky about how my dishwasher is loaded so I asked her just to leave everything in the sink. She cleans up the playroom and takes the kids outside/for walks. Granted everything is not exactly as I would do it, and occasionally she does things that are aggravating (creates bad habits--- bringing toys to the table, lets my 2 yr old into my 5 yr olds unbaby-proofed play area while she supervises him....)

I always ask her about her sons, and family etc... but its like a 5 min conversation not 30-40 mins! I care about her and am interested in her life, but the reality is it's a busy time and this is a working relationship not girl time/coffee talk. I would start setting some boundaries with your nanny and clearly communicate your expectations for her regarding her responsibilities (cleaning up after the kids, taking them outside...). I would also nip the lengthy conversations---"wow, sounds like you had a great camping trip, I don't mean to cut you short, but I have to switch the laundry, do my hair and get to work before my boss!..." Hopefully after a few times of you interrupting her and cutting the conversation short, she will get the picture, if not you will just have to directly say, you can chat because you are way to busy at those times...

Good luck!

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Being late would be an issue for me because it would cause me stress about being on time for work. If she was getting more and more consistently late I would have to say something. I am not sure how I would handle the long chats. I think what others have said about saying I am sorry but I need to do....whatever. is your best bet without sounding rude or like you dont want to talk to her.

The sippy cups wouldnt bother me. I know my ds1 might have a cup with water laying around at any point during the day. If all the other dishes were in the dishwasher I wouldny care.

Regarding cleaning the playroom and going outside. I would say that you are working on having the older kids clean up after themselves would she be able to supervise and help them clean up the playroom after they are done. Mentiom the nice weather and how they love to go outside. Follow up on it when you get home if she says they didnt go out say I would love it if they went out tomorrow. Im sure she will say ok np.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

I don't think the offenses sound so bad. Your other babysitter can't do the time: try not to compare them!

In the AM, set an alarm so you are out of the house & interrupt any conversation at a set time. If she is consistently late, warn her & deduct from pay (if you are doing it per hour). 5 minutes is expected, 15 is late. Is she staying on extra time to talk to you in the afternoon (meaning not getting paid)? If so, have a ten minute time in which you talk to her & then do something scheduled (read a book with kids, shower, etc). I do debrief w my babysitter about my kids & her life at least 15 min a day (but in the AM, so there is an end time, while I have coffee)... So I understand this. You do need some communication.

Toys: tell her that the 4 year olds are being trained to pick up their own toys. Ask her to please continue when she is babysitting. Tell her they can't take out another toy til they put one back.

Sippy cups: I've asked mine just to give water to them in kitchen only & leave cups in sink/dishwasher. I empty dishwasher in the AM.

Outside: leave this alone. Going out w 3 kids all 4 & under may be hard for her (keeping them all safe). Take them out when you come home.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

I hear what you're saying. You hire somebody so naturally you would want them to fulfill your expectations. As a caregiver though, it's sometimes hard to know what a family expects of you if it's not verbally confirmed before or during the job. I always appreciate when parents let me know certain things. Like for example, one little guy that comes over is fully potty trained and he NEVER tells me when he's using the potty, he just goes when he needs to. I never realized that he was sometimes pooping and not wiping good enough. The other kids who are potty trained at my house are always able to do this on their own so I just didn't realize. His mom mentioned it to me and I was so glad she did! So now I know to check and make sure he's not being lazy or sloppy with it. I'm glad she didn't just get angry and let it fester with me having no idea! And I'm glad she didn't say it in a rude or condescending way because then it would have easily caused ill feelings. KWIM? So I think if you're having any issues, just speak up so she knows, but of course in a kind non-confrontational way. Everything you mentioned is small stuff anyhow. If she loves and cares for your kids that's what REALLY matters.

For one, ask her at the end of each day if they got to play outside at all. And if she says no, just mention how much they love it and how great it is for them to get to run around out there, etc. If she still doesn't take them out after a couple days of this I would say point blank "I'd really like them to have at least 20 minutes a day outside"

When you're leaving in the morning with dishes out, just mention as you're going "could you throw those in the dishwasher when you're done?" If you didn't specify 'house work' when you hired her as your childcare provider, she might not see it as part of her job description. Same with cleaning the play room. Personally, I think stuff like that goes without saying when you're watching kids, but she may not realize it's something you want. So just say something to her. Maybe tell her that you really want your 4yr olds to take responsibility for their playroom and keep it clean. Say that they'll probably need her help at the end of the day to get it straightened up by the time you get home.

I wouldn't call a 'meeting' over this or anything, I'd just informally mention these things. If after that they're still not getting done then you might have to be more firm on your expectations, but I would think just mentioning them once would be enough for her to realize what you want.

Where it concerns the sippy cups, however, that one I'm confused about. Are they on the floor because she keeps water available to kids all day? I know I do that. I don't like kids to be deprived of drinks at all, especially during summer. So I do keep their sippy cups out on our kiddie table and sometimes the kids carry them off. By the end of the day I usually do rinse and re-pack their sippy cups into their bags, but sometimes the kids still want their drinks so in that case I just leave it out for them. I don't see this as an issue when the parent comes home and it's not rinsed and packed in their bags. I'd rather it sitting out then them not having access to water.

As for the long chatting, I have no idea how to handle THAT! LMAO. I can easily just assume that she is deprived of adult conversation all day so when you come home she's like "yay, a human to talk to!" haha. I feel that way when DH gets home. Some people just have diarrhea of the mouth and never know when to stop, but sometimes it's just that you want a relationship with who you're working for/with. When parents come to my house to pick up their kids, I pretty much keep it up to them since I don't know their schedules. We can chat, or I can just update them on kiddo for the day and they leave. Some parents I find I have a better relationship with because they DO stay and chat a little. Some parents I feel as though I barely know at all because we're just professional and impersonal and it just is what it is. I like a happy medium since at the end of the day I'm tired too, but I also like to have a relationship with the parents whose kids I spend so much time with. But if a parent was staying too long I don't know HOW I'd handle that. Probably just deal with it. haha. I don't know how you say "um, leave please" without being rude. In your case in the morning though, I would just leave. Be like "I gotta get to work" and that's that.

Good luck! I know how frustrating it is when you want things done a certain way and it's not happening. But I also know how frustrating it is when parents expect things of you that they never specified at the start of your working relationship. I think just talking about it will help you both a TON

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Is she with them ALL day while you're at work? If so, they need to go outside. She doesn't have to take them to a park or anything - but she should at the very least take them in the backyard to play. Are you fenced in? If so, I see NO reason not to have three kids playing outside, for the majority of the day.
I'm SURE you have outdoor toys, balls, etc for them to play with/on ......
Tell her it's very important to you that they play outside. Unless it's raining or 100 degrees, they need to go out. End of story.

The cups on the floor thing and the mess in the kitchen would annoy me ......but I'd let those things go. The play room thing - tell her you're really trying to get the kids to clean up after themselves and it would be really helpful if she could help you enforce that by making them do it for her as well.

Also, as far as her being late, remind her nicely that youi have to get out of the house by X time or you miss a train/hit insane traffic whatever.

I 'get' that she's your nanny and you want her to love your kids. But this isn't a friend or family member doing you a favor. This is someone you're paying - someone youi employ. You have every right to speak up. No need to be rude or nasty - but absolutely speak up.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

You need to tell her what you want her to do, and what your expectations are. She isn't a mind reader.

If after you tell her, you still aren't satisfied, then she isn't the right sitter for you/your family.

We had a nanny for DS and had several issues with her, but I always gave her the opportunity to correct them by telling her what was wrong. It helped immensely!

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! but I do think you need to say something in a nice way. she may have no idea that those things bother you.

I know its hard to bring these things up, but I think in the long run its better for the both of you if you're on the same page.

As for the talking, you may have to be a little rude, just cut her off and say I have to go change, see you tomorrow. BYE

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Thanks everyone for all your responses

Io am going to try the "I'm teaching the kids to clean up better and put their milks in sink when they are done" approach
She actually did take them outside today so I just played up how much they love it and need it!

Another think I have had to speak to her about bringing junk food for them. She was bringing them a 12 pack of dunkin donuts every week and letting them have 2 donuts in a day. I said something and now her daughter is bringing them McDonalds once a week. I'm not totally anti McDonalds but it is a
Rare treat for them. And the. I feel like I should be giving her $ for it. 3 happy meals is probably $15 but I already bought them coldcuts for lunch sonindont give her $ not sure what the right thing to do is

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

I babysit for 6 year old twins boys after camp one summer. From the beginning she told me she wanted me to clean, cook some nights when it was just the kids, laundry, bathe them and obviously watch them. Now the child I babysit for mother just wants me to watch her child. I have offered to do other things but she always tells me not to worry.
Every family is different and she may have done this stuff before and it never been an issue. If she likes to talk anyways try to spin it as just conversation. Things such as: Hey can you help the 4 year old pick up the toys today. There stuff left in the sink from breakfast when you get a chance can you wash them. I would hope she get the hint after you saying it a few times. In terms of outside you may just have to say you want her to take them outside while it's still nice outside.

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

Re: Am I being unreasonable? -babysitter related

I remember your post now....

Just tell her no McDonalds/donuts/fast food. Tell her to stick to the stuff you have prepped for her (and have stuff prepped for her) in the fridge.