Etiquette

Found this and thought it was a good (but long) read! - Here are my favorite parts/points, and I copied the entire thing into my blog in case anyone wants to read it all.

Infertility Etiquette

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.


Click here to read the full version!

Message edited 1/22/2009 10:17:42 PM.

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This is so great that you write all this.

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Wow, I just read the entire article. Thank you so much for posting this Hayley it is very eye opening!

It is very hard to know what to say in those situations but I feel that now that I am TTC I finally can truly understand the pain of those who have trouble getting pregnant

I read your latest blog after the article and it brought me to tears. I can't even imagine how frustrating and painful this is for you. I think you are right and you just have to keep going. I wish you a ton of luck

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I really want to send this to a few people in my life. My cousin's wife..got preggers their first try on their honeymoon and then three months after giving birth got preggers again..

I get from her.. "just have sex everyday.. that's all"

I want to tell her if it were that easy I'd have 10 kids by now!!! HOW STUPID IS THAT COMMENT... Really you need to have sex to have a baby!!!

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Unless anyone has every gone through the struggle of TTC or IF, they have no idea how some comments can sting.

Unfortunately, those on this board probably already know to well what not to say to others going through the same journey.

I'd like to staple this article to the heads of some folks IRL.

ETA: grammar

Message edited 1/23/2009 8:58:39 AM.

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Posted by Linda1003

I really want to send this to a few people in my life. My cousin's wife..got preggers their first try on their honeymoon and then three months after giving birth got preggers again..

I get from her.. "just have sex everyday.. that's all"

I want to tell her if it were that easy I'd have 10 kids by now!!! HOW STUPID IS THAT COMMENT... Really you need to have sex to have a baby!!!

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awesome!!

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This is an excellent article - thanks for sharing

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Jess posted something similar a few months back based on a leaflet that was in the waiting room of the RE's office. (We saw the same practice, and I actually had a copy of that leaflet as well!)

I "accidently on purpose" left it sitting on the table at my father's house. 2 years of dealing with IF, you hear everything under the sun... I wish more people would at least understand somewhat what not to say to someone struggling with trying to have a baby.

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I recently read this on the Resolve.org website and I sincerely thank you for posting here. It reminded me that I wanted to print it out for some family memebers.

If one more person tells me to relax, ugh!!

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There should be m/c etiquette too.

I HATED when people said to me:
-well you were only 9 wks, imagin you were longer?
-i had a m/c too and it was worse fo me bc it wasnt only MY baby but DC's sibling to be
-you can always try again

I agree w/ all the things you posted too. People are just SO ANNOYING

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great article!

thanks for posting.. and i completely agree with everything