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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Question for SAHM's
Does your DH understand when you say you need a day, maybe on a Saturday or Sunday, to go out by yourself without the kids. With a friend or just by yourself? Does he understand that even though you are home with the kids all day you still need time for yourself, or does he say things like "well I worked all week too!" I ask because I am dealing with this right now. It's tax season and DH is a CPA so I never see him right now. The kids never see him. He gets home between 9 and 10 pm. This season has been especially hard on me with the kids this year and he knows that. One of my close friends who was also a SAHM just moved away. We used to get together at least once a week with the kids during the day and get our shopping done together after the kids went to bed at night during the week, and that helped me not feel so trapped. So I asked him last night that after tax season ends can I have a Saturday to myself. To go out with my SIL for the day. I'm not talking about leaving at 8am and not coming home until the kids are in bed. I'm talking about leaving the house at 8am, enjoying breakfast, mani/pedis, lunch and some shopping with my SIL. I need a day to clear my head without 3 kids 4 and under screaming, fighting.and climbing all over me. His response was "I work all day too. I don't want to be home on Saturday stuck in the house while you're out! So as long as you're not gone all day it's ok I guess." Am I asking for too much? Then he says "well, I'm going to want the same thing". Ok, I get that he needs time for himself too. But he goes golfing with his friends early mornings during golf season. He's going away for an entire weekend with his buddies in May. I'm asking for 1 day. Once every few months I go to breakfast or dinner with my best friends. Literally every few months. Of course we fought about it and he thinks I'm being ridiculous for being upset with him. Am I wrong for asking for a day for myself while he is with the kids?
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Posted 2/27/15 9:46 AM  |
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JME78
LIF Adult
Member since 11/09 3672 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
You are not wrong for needing time to yourself! 
I need time to myself and I only have one kid and I work FT. It is totally normal and healthy.
Honestly I wouldn't even ask. I would just make the plans and then tell him - I am going out with SIL on Saturday and will be home at XX time. Do not feel guilty, you deserve a break.
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:00 AM |
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Lara&Aidansmommy
For mom i miss u ETC ILOVEU
Member since 3/07 13921 total posts
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ETC I LOVE YOU
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Question for SAHM's
Ive been a sahm for a little over a year now . Im finding it extremely hard. I used to work. And i really miss it. I will eventually get back into the work field when kids are in school full time. But to answer your question, my dh never has a problem when i tell him i need a day. He knows its for my sanity lol. We moved oos and i still have no friends. I try to take the kids out as much as i can but recently in NH and we just got over 70 inches of snow in a short amt of time. So its been hard getting out. In fact this Saturday im going to get new glasses and told my dh im going ALONE and wont be back for a few hours hahahhah he was fine with it. I hope you get your day to really just take a deep breath and enjoy your alone time
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:03 AM |
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ISpoilHim
I think I got this
Member since 11/10 1523 total posts
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K
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Question for SAHM's
I told DH that tonight I am going and hiding in the basement with my cousin. It is the only way I get time to myself.
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:14 AM |
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phoenix913
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 3034 total posts
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V
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Re: Question for SAHM's
You are not asking too much. Your DH's reaction would make me really mad. Don't ask him. Tell him I'm going out Saturday. I'm leaving and x time and will be back at x time.
I've been a SAHM for almost 4 years now and my DH has always been supportive of my needing to go out. He never gets upset about it.
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:16 AM |
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PitterPatter11
Baby Boy is Here!
Member since 5/11 7634 total posts
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Momma <3
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Question for SAHM's
I am not a SAHM, but I still need time to myself (as in other than running errands). I would be annoyed if DH was not supportive of this. I do not get a lot of alone time, but some is definitely needed to keep you sane!
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:24 AM |
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SandL
LIF Adolescent
Member since 4/12 541 total posts
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L
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Dh is completely supportive. Its never even a question in this house. He understands how exhausting it can be, esp. mentally. Right now, it's difficult since im nursing a newborn and she wont take a bottle, but generally its a non issue.
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:30 AM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Question for SAHM's
Thanks ladies. He says he doesn't have a problem with me going out but he doesn't want me gone all day. Or he wants time to himself too. It's like if I ask for it, he immediately turns it around and says he wants the same. I told him he has an outlet. He goes to work and sees his friends and talks to people. His response is "I dontnhave kids screaming at me all day but I have clients yelling at me all day". I'm sorry but to me it's not the same thing. And again, yeah he is at work but he is out of the house seeing his friends and he doesn't see that. I told him I want to be able to go out every once in a while without being afraid that he is going to be mad that I was gone too long. Our marriage is currently on the rocks and we are seeking counseling, but I feel like it's things like this why our marriage is on the rocks. It's so frustrating. I did make plans with my SIL already for after tax season. I just wish he would understand where I am coming from for once without him turning it around and reversing the situation. To me it's completely different. He told me to go back to work if I can't handle this. While I do want to go back to work, my kids are very happy in their preschool and have friends of their own now that will be moving to Pre-k with them next year and I don't want to take them away from that. Plus I don't want to work just to pay daycare for three kids like I was. I plan on going back when they are in school full time. But it is very important to me to be home with them after school to help them with homework and stuff. I just wish he understood. Thanks ladies. This is something I am going to bring up when we start counseling.
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:31 AM |
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ANewDayHasCome
Love multiplies, not divides
Member since 11/12 14481 total posts
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Me
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Question for SAHM's
Dh is good with that. When he sees I need it he offers to dd for the day/afternoon whatever and I can do whatever I want. We both have our nights to get dinner with friends and he does poker nights here and there.
You are def not wrong. Ugh
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:39 AM |
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Millie3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/13 1280 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
You need time for yourself especially if your kids are not in School yet. My DH is fine with me going out here and there. Your DH has a guys weeknd coming up, so I'm surprised he has the nerve to say anything! If he would also like a day to himself, you should hire a sitter every other Saturday so you both have down time
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:48 AM |
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mnmsoinlove
Mommy to 2 sweet girls!
Member since 3/09 8585 total posts
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Melissa
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by phoenix913
You are not asking too much. Your DH's reaction would make me really mad. Don't ask him. Tell him I'm going out Saturday. I'm leaving and x time and will be back at x time.
I've been a SAHM for almost 4 years now and my DH has always been supportive of my needing to go out. He never gets upset about it.
ITA! You deserve time away. My dh is always supportive of me taking time as I am of him
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| Posted 2/27/15 10:59 AM |
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EricaAlt
LIF Adult
Member since 7/08 22665 total posts
Name:
Erica
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by ANewDayHasCome
Dh is good with that. When he sees I need it he offers to dd for the day/afternoon whatever and I can do whatever I want. We both have our nights to get dinner with friends and he does poker nights here and there.
You are def not wrong. Ugh
This! I work from home part time, but with the kids all day. Running errands, schools, etc. I am never alone either bc the boys are on different school schedules.
DH is really good about giving me "me time" for the most part. It is necessary! I love my boys, but gotta love myself first before I love another. I always say that to my kids. Mommy needs time with daddy or friends or just time to get stuff done alone.
Take out poker and put in beer for the above comment. DH makes beer at this local place with a bunch of friends. Sometimes poker too.
This winter has been brutal bc the boys have been with me a lot. I told DH he needs to take them over the weekend. Play games at Iplay America or they make projects at Home Depot. DH also helps with the showers and night routine. You feel refreshed and rejuvenated.
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| Posted 2/27/15 11:10 AM |
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Pinkisles
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Member since 11/13 2868 total posts
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Question for SAHM's
I'm not a SAHM but I think your husband should be supportive and let you take a day to just hang out with your friends. I also think you should let him do the same.
You both need it.
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| Posted 2/27/15 11:14 AM |
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WannaBeAMom11
LIF Adult
Member since 1/11 7391 total posts
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Name
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Question for SAHM's
Dh and I had this issuE. Im not a sahm but I'm I work from home. He never wanted to go out on weekends and it was turning me into a miserable human being. I'm a very social person and need to get out. He was a very tit for tat person as well in regards to everything and it drove me crazy. Therapy helped and now when he does it I bring it to his attention.
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| Posted 2/27/15 11:42 AM |
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OhBaby2
LIF Infant
Member since 1/15 309 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Something that has helped DH and I is having the understanding that it's not a competition... it's not a competition of who had the harder day, who works harder, who deserves or needs more time to themselves. it can't be a tit-for-tat situation because life just doesn't quite work that way.
Once we kind of came to the agreement that we wouldn't argue about who has it harder, it's been helpful for both of us to see where the other one is coming from. Maybe that change in mindset could help...
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| Posted 2/27/15 11:56 AM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by Pinkisles
I'm not a SAHM but I think your husband should be supportive and let you take a day to just hang out with your friends. I also think you should let him do the same.
You both need it.
Thank you. I am supportive when he wants to go out and do things. I'm very supportive about him going away with friends for a whole weekend even though I have anxiety about being home alone at night.i just wish we could agree on it. We both need time with each other as well as time for ourselves. We very rarely get either.
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| Posted 2/27/15 12:39 PM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by WannaBeAMom11
Dh and I had this issuE. Im not a sahm but I'm I work from home. He never wanted to go out on weekends and it was turning me into a miserable human being. I'm a very social person and need to get out. He was a very tit for tat person as well in regards to everything and it drove me crazy. Therapy helped and now when he does it I bring it to his attention.
So, did you guys talk about it before counseling and he didn't see your side and then the therapist helped him realize? It's driving me up a wall and I want to fix our marriage but we can't do that if we don't see eye to eye.
Message edited 2/27/2015 12:53:01 PM.
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| Posted 2/27/15 12:41 PM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by OhBaby2
Something that has helped DH and I is having the understanding that it's not a competition... it's not a competition of who had the harder day, who works harder, who deserves or needs more time to themselves. it can't be a tit-for-tat situation because life just doesn't quite work that way.
Once we kind of came to the agreement that we wouldn't argue about who has it harder, it's been helpful for both of us to see where the other one is coming from. Maybe that change in mindset could help...
Thank you! I will try talking to him and see if we can come to this agreement. The thing is, I'm not seeing this as a competition. I know he busts his @ss the same as he knows I bust my @ss. We both have very hard days. It's just so frustrating. I'll talk to him tonight about how it's not a competition and see if we can hopefully change the way we both see things and come to an agreement.
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| Posted 2/27/15 12:46 PM |
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w8andsee
LIF Adult
Member since 10/09 1193 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by luckysmom
Thanks ladies. He says he doesn't have a problem with me going out but he doesn't want me gone all day. Or he wants time to himself too. It's like if I ask for it, he immediately turns it around and says he wants the same. I told him he has an outlet. He goes to work and sees his friends and talks to people. His response is "I dontnhave kids screaming at me all day but I have clients yelling at me all day". I'm sorry but to me it's not the same thing.
You definitely need time to yourself and should make a point of taking it. However I do think your husband should have some time to himself as well if he's asking for it.
You're both under stress. It may be due for different reasons, but stress is stress. Everyone needs a break.
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| Posted 2/27/15 12:48 PM |
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allIwant
Love my crazy life!
Member since 1/10 9170 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
I am not a SAHM but I am home on Fridays.
While my DH would never say No I found we both got stuck in a rut of not doing anything for ourselves. We would feel bad for asking because each of us knows how difficult a day alone can be with all of them (Dh has had to stay home with them all a few times this winter when they were all sick and couldn't go to school). We can't afford to pay a sitter to go out together alone so our nights out together are minimal. That said we finally realized we both NEED to do things for ourselves to survive. So we have been better about doing things for ourselves. Tonight he is going to the Islander game with friends and tomorrow night I have plans with my girl friends. Sometimes he has more things plans sometimes I do. It all works out in the end.
Rarely will I take an entire day because I like to spread it out but your dh's schedule sounds a bit crazier than mine.
On a side note...do you ever just take one kid out to do stuff. We both find it makes a world of a difference for everyone. Ill take my youngest and my dh will stay home with the twins...everyone is happier lol
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| Posted 2/27/15 12:59 PM |
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queensgal
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Member since 4/09 3287 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by w8andsee
Posted by luckysmom
Thanks ladies. He says he doesn't have a problem with me going out but he doesn't want me gone all day. Or he wants time to himself too. It's like if I ask for it, he immediately turns it around and says he wants the same. I told him he has an outlet. He goes to work and sees his friends and talks to people. His response is "I dontnhave kids screaming at me all day but I have clients yelling at me all day". I'm sorry but to me it's not the same thing.
You definitely need time to yourself and should make a point of taking it. However I do think your husband should have some time to himself as well if he's asking for it.
You're both under stress. It may be due for different reasons, but stress is stress. Everyone needs a break.
I totally agree with this. Are you willing to watch the kids to give him some alone time as well? I think you both need and deserve a break. DH and I try to give each other opportunities and indeed they are very rare and limited. We aren't always 1-1 but I try to encourage him to get out once in awhile and he does the same.
Seems like maybe his reaction is a reflection of other issues you may be having and perhaps you picked a bad time to ask him if he really is so stressed at work. Not really an excuse, just trying to see his side - sometimes timing is everything.
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| Posted 2/27/15 1:14 PM |
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MrsT809
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 12167 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by OhBaby2
Something that has helped DH and I is having the understanding that it's not a competition... it's not a competition of who had the harder day, who works harder, who deserves or needs more time to themselves. it can't be a tit-for-tat situation because life just doesn't quite work that way.
Once we kind of came to the agreement that we wouldn't argue about who has it harder, it's been helpful for both of us to see where the other one is coming from. Maybe that change in mindset could help...
This is what I was thinking. You both have it rough and some days or weeks are worse than others. You should both be able to take time when you need it, which isn't necessarily at the same time. If one of you needs a break or even just has an opportunity coming up (like his boys weekend) you should be able to take it without feeling guilty. It's about supporting each other not making things perfectly even.
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| Posted 2/27/15 1:29 PM |
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Ballet46
LIF Infant
Member since 6/14 180 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
You should just hire a babysitter and not even ask him. I see both of your sides. You both work hard!!
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| Posted 2/27/15 1:44 PM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by allIwant
I am not a SAHM but I am home on Fridays.
While my DH would never say No I found we both got stuck in a rut of not doing anything for ourselves. We would feel bad for asking because each of us knows how difficult a day alone can be with all of them (Dh has had to stay home with them all a few times this winter when they were all sick and couldn't go to school). We can't afford to pay a sitter to go out together alone so our nights out together are minimal. That said we finally realized we both NEED to do things for ourselves to survive. So we have been better about doing things for ourselves. Tonight he is going to the Islander game with friends and tomorrow night I have plans with my girl friends. Sometimes he has more things plans sometimes I do. It all works out in the end.
Rarely will I take an entire day because I like to spread it out but your dh's schedule sounds a bit crazier than mine.
On a side note...do you ever just take one kid out to do stuff. We both find it makes a world of a difference for everyone. Ill take my youngest and my dh will stay home with the twins...everyone is happier lol
We too rarely ever get time alone together. We can't afford a sitter. We ask my MIL every once in a while but she literally just finished treatments for breastfeeding cancer. When she is fine she has other grandkids that she watches and we feel bad asking her being she just finished treatments. We both know that we need to do things for ourselves and usually he is ok with me going out for a couple of hours when the kids are in bed or for breakfast with the girls every now and then. But to him, me asking for a day to myself is too much. He goes out and I don't have a problem with it. He recently was out all day on superbowl sunday. He was gone for 4 hours getting a tattoo, came home and changed and left to go to superbowl with his friends while I was stuck home. I didn't complain once. The trip he is going on I did not complain at all. He told me about it, didn't even ask. And I was fine with it. I am asking for 1 day that I never ask for just because this tax season has been very rough on me. But according to him i'm asking too much.
We do each take a kid out alone. I usually take my DD because she is the toughest attitude wise. So I take her and DH will usually take one of the boys sometimes when he goes out.
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| Posted 2/27/15 2:13 PM |
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luckysmom
Yes it is! Going as planned:)
Member since 6/07 5339 total posts
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Re: Question for SAHM's
Posted by Ballet46
You should just hire a babysitter and not even ask him. I see both of your sides. You both work hard!!
Unfortunately this is not an option as we can't afford a sitter right now.
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| Posted 2/27/15 2:17 PM |
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