my reflection..

after speaking today with a former member of this board and now a member of the pregnant board i started thinking to myself..

for almost 9 months we have tried to have a baby..pillls,shots,creams,teas,kits the list goes on and on..

there were days like any other and there were days when getting out of bed and dressed were harder..

through all the bad im trying to find the good..im looking at this was a lesson for me to prepare me..and i know and i have to believe in my heart of hearts it will happen for us..so this is what i have come up with..

please feel free to add..

this whole ttc process has taught me..

1.never ever take anything,esp time for granted..u think u have tons but u never know

2.appreciate my husband more..for helping me find books online,picking up opks for me,letting me curse out pregnant women on tv cause it made me feel better,holding me and letting me cry when it was another negative yest..this list goes on..

3.when it does happen and when i think i cant handle something or i get stressed out with this baby..i will remember how i felt at this moment right now and know i can do it

4.i wont care how fat i get,or if i carry low,high sideways,my skin breaks out,im throwing up on random people a smile will be on my face(even if its green from morning sickness lol) because i will know how long it took us to get here


5.never ever forget the journey it took to get where we all be someday and always remeber the support i got from you ladies during it..

happy new year(im going to bed early lol) here is to all of us..

Re: my reflection..

Aw Gina... No one deserves a BFP more than you do! I just know in my heart that 2011 is your year!

Re: my reflection..

Posted by gina409

after speaking today with a former member of this board and now a member of the pregnant board i started thinking to myself..

for almost 9 months we have tried to have a baby..pillls,shots,creams,teas,kits the list goes on and on..

there were days like any other and there were days when getting out of bed and dressed were harder..

through all the bad im trying to find the good..im looking at this was a lesson for me to prepare me..and i know and i have to believe in my heart of hearts it will happen for us..so this is what i have come up with..

please feel free to add..

this whole ttc process has taught me..

1.never ever take anything,esp time for granted..u think u have tons but u never know

2.appreciate my husband more..for helping me find books online,picking up opks for me,letting me curse out pregnant women on tv cause it made me feel better,holding me and letting me cry when it was another negative yest..this list goes on..

3.when it does happen and when i think i cant handle something or i get stressed out with this baby..i will remember how i felt at this moment right now and know i can do it

4.i wont care how fat i get,or if i carry low,high sideways,my skin breaks out,im throwing up on random people a smile will be on my face(even if its green from morning sickness lol) because i will know how long it took us to get here


5.never ever forget the journey it took to get where we all be someday and always remeber the support i got from you ladies during it..

happy new year(im going to bed early lol) here is to all of us..

Re: my reflection..

Very well said! We all deserve the BFP,...it makes us angry and upset. But, this post sheds some light on where we will be in 2011!

Re: my reflection..

you made me cry a little bit...

it will happen for you Gina... i know it... just relax... lol kidding lol

Re: my reflection..

you just made me cry. I couldnt have said it better myself. Really hoping and praying 2011 is a better year

Re: my reflection..

love your #3

Re: my reflection..

is that girl me by any chance??? some of this sounds familiar!!!

Soo cute though G!! and esp number 4!! thats sooo me!!!

Re: my reflection..

Re: my reflection..

Love you!

Re: my reflection..

Gina, it's going to happen. It has to. When I pray for you and Christina and Laurie I think about what good people you are and what amazing mommies you will be. God would never let that talent get wasted. It's a trying time for sure, I can't even imagine how sad each day is but you will get there. You will be pregnant and have an beautiful family. I just know it.

My sister was so upset all the time and pessimistic that it wasn't going to happen to her and then after being on Clomid it happened. And guess what? Last month we found out there's another surprise on the way! And she wasn't even on Clomid this time!

It's going to happen and you'll appreciate the life that you have even more than you ever could because you know what went into achieving it. Think about anything you've ever wanted in life...it takes work! But it just has to happen for you. My continued prayers and lots of hugs for you. 2011 is going to be your year!

Re: my reflection..

Posted by MommaBear

Gina, it's going to happen. It has to. When I pray for you and Christina and Laurie I think about what good people you are and what amazing mommies you will be. God would never let that talent get wasted. It's a trying time for sure, I can't even imagine how sad each day is but you will get there. You will be pregnant and have an beautiful family. I just know it.

My sister was so upset all the time and pessimistic that it wasn't going to happen to her and then after being on Clomid it happened. And guess what? Last month we found out there's another surprise on the way! And she wasn't even on Clomid this time!

It's going to happen and you'll appreciate the life that you have even more than you ever could because you know what went into achieving it. Think about anything you've ever wanted in life...it takes work! But it just has to happen for you. My continued prayers and lots of hugs for you. 2011 is going to be your year!

Re: my reflection..

I love this post! I've reflected a lot on this process as well, and I am actually understanding the value of relaxation. I really wanted a baby born in May, June or July just for work reasons, and when that wasn't happening I was freaking out. How stupid, what does it matter in the long run if my baby is born July 23 or September 17? It doesn't, I will still have a little baby to love. After taking December off, and knowing I won't have a summer baby, I have a whole new outlook. Yes we will keep actively, so excited to start the CBEFM, trying, but it will happen at the right time. And until then, I am not wasting all my available energy into our future baby, but into me and my DH. It will happen at the right time for all of us
ETA: I know many people might disagree with me, and are very against taking time off, or skipping a month, but for me it made me realize that 30 days is not going to make a difference once my little baby is here.

Message edited 1/1/2011 1:37:29 PM.

Re: my reflection..

So happy for you and well said

Re: my reflection..

I just want to say that I hope you get your BFP soon....you will be such a great mother, just judging from how you "protect" your friends. Sometimes I feel guilty and cry that I don't deserve to be in the position I am when so many girls are trying to be, but good things come to those who wait, and everything happens for a reason, of that I'm positive. It will happen for you!

Re: my reflection..

back in august someone posted a nearly identical post. here was my response from then - i know it helped some people then, so i hope it helps someone now. i also updated the bottom. sorry its so long.

Posted by FlowerWife

18 months TTC - since May 2009

D/X with PCOS in November 2009

2 Chemical Pregnancies - 1 with a beta of 5 and another with a beta of 46

Injected myself more times than I can count - Follistim, Gonal-F, Ovidrel, Ganirelix, Lovenox, and the Horrendous Progesterone in Oil

Diagnosed with Blood Clotting Issues, and Immune High NK Cells

DH and I have a partial HLA-C match which further causes implantation and immunological issues

Have had to have a nurse come to my house and administer IV Intralipids, yes, a bag of fat dripping into my blood stream for 2 hours

Have taken at times over 15 pills each day

Have shoved gels and suppositories up my hoo-ha more than once a day

Have hyperstimmed and produced 10+ follies and had the cycle cancelled

Have been so bloated that I needed DH to tie my shoe

Have been so crabby that even I annoyed myself

Have been jealous of everyone that's gotten a BFP, and every lady that walks by with a baby belly or a newborn or a toddler

Have temped and used OPKs and bought a CBEFM and spent hundred of dollars on HPTs

Have gotten more UTI's from than ever in my life

Have at times had to leave this board completely because watching people come and get a BFP on their first cycle makes me want to strangle myself. Esp. when they complain about "how hard it is." Girl, you don't know the half of it.......

ALL of that being said..

18months TTC I have learned to have more patience than anyone I know

Have met the best doctor and one of the best people I have ever come in contact with in real life

Have learned more about my body than I ever thought I would

Have grown closer than ever with my husband and now also with my mom and dad and IL's

Have stopped being scared of HAVING a baby, and gotten more scared of what life will be like if I CAN'T

Have changed my diet to eat healthier and care less about how many calories I am eating and more about the health content of the foods I am putting in me

Have discovered acupuncture and meditation and spirituality.

I have remembered and relearned how to pray, and have prayed hard for both myself and sometimes specifically for others as well.

Have discovered that I may want (and have the ability) to become a nurse specializing in fertility.

Have for the most part stopped stressing over the little things in life

Have learned to give myself injections, fill syringes, and give 20 tubes of blood without feeling like I'm going to pass out

Have learned to be strong even when I don't want to be

Have somehow managed to continue to do all these meds (perhaps foolishly) with timed intercourse over IUI or IVF at this point, because I still want to have one last shred of doing this the "natural" way if I can.

Have learned that it's Ok to cry A LOT, especially when DH is crying with you.

Have found friends here that I spend more time talking to about more important things than I do with most of my "real life" friends

Have learned to continue to have hope and stay strong and positive even through the toughest thing I have ever experienced in this life.

Have learned that the day I get to hold my baby in my arms will be a day of appreciation and gratitude that I never would have known had I got pregnant in my first cycle.

So although TTC, PCOS and infertility SUX majorly, with all of the negative things I have learned and experienced, I wouldn't be the person that I am now if I had not experienced it.

I feel like my path in life is forever altered because of what I have experienced, and in the end I am hoping that it is all for the better, and I am hoping that all of us that have to endure the pain and suffering of infertility get to hold our babies very soon.


UPDATE from 1/11 - That was from August 2010. Since then I went through one more failed cycle, and ultimately moved on to IVF. Physically IVF wasn't that much different than what I had already been through, but it was VERY emotionally draining. However, we had a very textbook perfect IVF cycle where we put two perfect embryos back, and have 8 frozen waiting for the future.

Ultimately in October I got my long awaited BFP from IVF. Though excited beyond belief, the first weeks were tough. Every second I thought could be the last. I got pregnant with both embryos and one stuck, the other didn't develop past the gestational sac. I had bad OHSS and gained 10lbs in 2 days. I still stick myself daily with lovenox and take 5 pills a day to stay pregnant. And it will be like that throughout the rest of the pregnancy. Luckily the rest of the first tri has been easier on me, other than exhaustion, I haven't had too many symptoms.

Anyway I'm 14w1d now and am just starting to believe that if luck is on my side, this will be the baby I will get to go home with in July. DH and I reflected a lot about the past year, the emotional ups and downs, and everything we went through to get where we are today. And for some reason we feel comforted in the fact that everything seems to be happening the way it was supposed to. We had to endure a lot more heartache than we ever imagined, but that just makes us that much more grateful for where we are today, and for ultimately where we hope to be in 26 weeks. I really believe that despite what we went through, this IS where we are supposed to be. I tried to believe that for 18 months and it was tough, only now in retrospect can I see that things happen when they were supposed to happen for us.

I'll stop sounding preachy now. The purpose of this is only to try and remind everyone to keep perspective. TTC and infertility are times where we want things to happen on OUR schedule. But as is life, things will happen when they happen, and most of it is out of our control. Just remember, the longer it takes to get there, the more grateful you will be. That's not to say you won't be grateful if it takes one cycle, but I think from my own experiences, if there is SOMETHING to gain from having to wait, its that you learn a lot about yourself, your relationship, about patience and about life in general. The process truly humbled me, and truly and forever changed my view on life.

For those of you that are forced to wait longer than you'd like and have to undergo hardship and lots of medical intervention, I hope you will all get your BFPs this year. But most of all, I hope that if you HAVE to go through this, you at least gain as much insight as I did. Assuming we all get to go home with at some point, in the long run, everything becomes worth the ride!!

Message edited 1/1/2011 3:25:59 PM.

Re: my reflection..

awwww how sweet!

Re: my reflection..

#1 rings very true for me. DH and I dated for a very long time before we got married . Then we waited 2 more years before we started ttc-ing. Now I'm 34 and time is def not on my side.

Re: my reflection..

Posted by MommaBear

Gina, it's going to happen. It has to. When I pray for you and Christina and Laurie I think about what good people you are and what amazing mommies you will be. God would never let that talent get wasted. It's a trying time for sure, I can't even imagine how sad each day is but you will get there. You will be pregnant and have an beautiful family. I just know it.

My sister was so upset all the time and pessimistic that it wasn't going to happen to her and then after being on Clomid it happened. And guess what? Last month we found out there's another surprise on the way! And she wasn't even on Clomid this time!

It's going to happen and you'll appreciate the life that you have even more than you ever could because you know what went into achieving it. Think about anything you've ever wanted in life...it takes work! But it just has to happen for you. My continued prayers and lots of hugs for you. 2011 is going to be your year!

Re: my reflection..

This is beautiful and something we all need to remember. It may be a long journey, but what awaits at the end makes every minute worth it

Re: my reflection..

To both Gina and Flowerwife:

your posts gave me goosebumps!! It's such a relief to see how we can find the positives and learn to grow from the experiences we have, and especially to share them with one another. The longer it takes me to get my BFP, the more I realize that every month I would have gotten a BFP, would give me a different child. So when I do get my BFP and move on to a healthy pg, I know that is the child that is meant to be ours. I can't chage fate and the way my life is supposed to be. Im a person who takes control of most situations if given the opportunity. This experience has been a real wake up call and allows me to remember that in the end, I really have no control over any of it. For me, that takes away a lot of pressure and restores my faith. Yes, I do still try to time it right, and I read books/literature on what I can do to increase my odds, but in the end... I do believe it's not really up to me.
I know that when the time is right, it will be that much sweeter. I remain hopeful that it will happen and I have become so grateful that the man I married is the one who is experiencing this with me because we've never been closer or understood each other more than today.
And now, Im grateful for the post you put up Gina.. because it forced me to get out the words I've been thinking and live the day today grateful and hopeful instead of bitter and negative.

Thanks girls! I wish you the best on your journeys and good luck to all of us!!!

Re: my reflection..

To Gina and FW

Thank you for the perspective.

And to Gina, this is your year!

to FW here's to a healthy remaining 26 weeks!

Re: my reflection..

I love you gina!!! i pray for you guys everyday!!!!

you totally deserve all the happiness in the world, a million babies, and a win in the lottery too!!!

hang in there!!! this is going to be your year!!!!!!

Re: my reflection..

beautiful... the road may be long but it is worth every single second..

Re: my reflection..

I've been at this 9 months as well, although I don't post as much (because I feel like I get more obssesed with it) I feel 110% the exact same way as you

I also keep reminding myself, that anytime something doesn't work out right away, I always get upset in the moment, but once it happens, I realize THAT was the right time for it to happen, for one reason or another. so I know when its really meant to be for us, it will happen

I'm just thankful we started TTC earlier then we actually wanted to, because its taking us a lot longer then we both thought

I do try to see the good in it every month tat it doesn't happen, but that list is getting smaller each month