living like roommates with dh

thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses.

Message edited 10/30/2007 12:02:06 AM.

Re: living like roommates with dh

It sucks to feel that way. I've felt that way too.

I posted awhile ago what I did but if you missed it
The Husband Experiment


HTH.

Re: living like roommates with dh

I really kind of think that every new family goes through this Lisa, I was home for 5 months and for a lot of it I felt like Christopher and I were living one life and Chris was living another. I figured with him working nights that we'd at least have days together, nope, he'd sleep all day and I'd be resentful, but that's just me

Anyway, I found that trying to do some stuff together (which is always a fight in this house, Chris doesn't like to leave or plan anything) so that we could talk about the plans or where we were going or anything...just getting out of the house helped.

But, I totally feel ya, oddly enough (not that this helps) we are WAY more connected now that we never see each other

Re: living like roommates with dh

I think this is normal to go through- adding extra people into the marriage (the babies) is work- and the marriage has to adjust- it will, just hang in there.

Re: living like roommates with dh

I totally agree with the other ladies. I think when you have such a drastic change in a marriage like a new baby or in your case two -it takes some major adjusting. I feel like DH and I never get to really go out together and connect anymore that much either. Things do get rather routine but small children unfortunately live/thrive on routine so it is easy for a couple to get stuck in one as well.
You are not doing anything wrong though. Perhaps you could try maybe even once a month to have someone look after the kids and go do something even if it not a full evening out maybe just dinner or even a short walk to your favorite coffee or ice cream place and take a minute for yourselves.
I have found even taking a walk with DH on weekends when it is close to nap time for DS has been really good for us 1) its free 2) we get exercise 3) when DS is sleeping we can talk and reconnect 4) I love walking to our local smoothie place and getting treats anyway-LOL!
Best of luck and don't worry things will get better!

Re: living like roommates with dh

We definitely lived that way for a while too.

To top it off for us, we were constantly bickering so it was like iving with a roommate you couldn't wait to get rid of.

We started making small adjustments here and there.

The biggest thing that started to get us back on track was our new nighttime ritual.

Instead of both of us just collapsing from exhaustion at the end of the day and barely saying a word (even "goodnight") we instituted a Thank You rule.

Each of us now has to Thank the other for something they did that day. And if one of us can't think of something to thank the other for, we know we have to try harder to do something nice the next day.

Sounds simple, but it made me realize that there were definitely days we were taking each other for granted AND it usually lead to more meaningful conversations and *gasp* cuddling.

It's made a HUGE difference.

Re: living like roommates with dh

I think it happens to a lot of moms so don't feel bad.

Here's my advice....start taking care of you a little more. That means "getting ready" everyday even if you don't have to go anywhere. If it means putting on makeup, doing your hair and getting dressed in slacks and a sweater...DO IT. Then plan a date night even if you don't go out. Make dinner for a time when the twins are down and quiet. Light candles, use good dishes, etc. You can also work up to wanting to bd by thinking of all the great things you like about being close to DH in that way. Then think about making the first move and how sexy and empowering that can be.

Re: living like roommates with dh

Lisa, all I can say is that is does get better. DH and I have finally in the last few months, put the girls to bed at 7-730 and we have the night to us. We make dinner together, talk at the dinner table not near a television. We finally feel like we have regrouped as a couple. I completely know how you feel the first few months are rough with sleep times and feedings.

If family can watch the babies, I would go out even if is for a walk together.

they will definitely occupy your conversations, but I think that is only natural. And it is not that it is all you talk about it is just that probably everything else may seem unimportant.

Hang in there. It will and does get better.

Re: living like roommates with dh

We went throught the same exact thing. Now we go for walks with our DD and it seems to help. You will always talk about your child, that will always be the conversations, but it will get better.

Re: living like roommates with dh

Re: living like roommates with dh

With the exception of the "two" babies, I am right there with ya.

It depresses me, and I do try, but not nearly hard enough.

I feel like we have seperate lives.

I have no advice, but b/c your not alone, Im thinking its common and well hopefully we can learn from each other.

Lauren- I love your suggestion about the thank you stuff.

Re: living like roommates with dh

I wish I had advice. Two years later and I still feel the same way.
DH and I are taking an overnight trip to Denver (we live in CO) this Saturday because I feel like we're at a breaking point and need to find a way to reconnect and come up with a plan for our day to day life.

Just want you to know you're not alone.

Re: living like roommates with dh

thank you all so much for your honesty and tips. it gave me plenty to think about.

i'm sorry we are all feeling this way, but it's good to know it's not just me and dh and that our relationship is not doomed.

thank you all, you made me feel a lot better.

Re: living like roommates with dh

Posted by monkeybride

I wish I had advice. Two years later and I still feel the same way.
DH and I are taking an overnight trip to Denver (we live in CO) this Saturday because I feel like we're at a breaking point and need to find a way to reconnect and come up with a plan for our day to day life.

Just want you to know you're not alone.

Re: living like roommates with dh

I know that money is tight, but instead of ordering out, maybe you can try to make take out type food for dinner. Get a bottle of wine, rent a movie, put the babies down and enjoy a date night at home.
And don't feel bad asking for help. I'm sure there's someone in your life who can babysit so you and DH can have some alone time. Even if you put DC to sleep before going out and then grab a quick bite to eat.

Re: living like roommates with dh

We started to fall into this same rut when I was home all day with the baby. We decided that at least once a month we would have a date night. I know it sounds like a cliche but I think it is working.

Also, we dont have a lot of $$, so even a movie is a good get away. Also, my advice is not to let your marriage fall by the wayside. A bikini waxer ( i know) told me "You know, you left your parents and so will your child--your DH is important too"

Re: living like roommates with dh

Posted by shamrock124

I think it happens to a lot of moms so don't feel bad.

Here's my advice....start taking care of you a little more. That means "getting ready" everyday even if you don't have to go anywhere. If it means putting on makeup, doing your hair and getting dressed in slacks and a sweater...DO IT. Then plan a date night even if you don't go out. Make dinner for a time when the twins are down and quiet. Light candles, use good dishes, etc. You can also work up to wanting to bd by thinking of all the great things you like about being close to DH in that way. Then think about making the first move and how sexy and empowering that can be.

this is great advice

Re: living like roommates with dh

also- this past week i made something completely new for dinner each night- it was a great talking point for us- new flavors,etc.. and I had fun doing something different than making the same 10 things..

Re: living like roommates with dh

Re: living like roommates with dh

I did not have baby blues, I had big time husband blues. My high maintence little baby never caused me tears, but my husband would send me into a full blown tantrum.

One night, it hit such a bad peak. A trip to the grocery store gone bad. I came home, put the baby in the crib, and just layed in bed a screamed...cried...I felt like it was the death of my truely great marriage. It was such a scary feeling. My marriage was me...I loved being married to him. I loved our relationship, and I hit a point where I did not even want him around.

At 3 months post partum, I needed a break so I took the baby and we visited my family for the week. Once I got there, I instantly missed DH. The homecoming the following week was so great, it was a start.

He is never disrespectful to me, he tries to help with the baby...but I was envious of his outside life. He was envious of my attention towards the baby. As much as you want to show affection to your husband, its really hard in the beginning. Breastfeeding definitely took its toll on us. I wanted to put down the baby and feel like a person, not a cow. He could not come to grips with that and acted like my boobs were some kind of a gross infection or something.

Ahhhh...but then it happens. The baby goes to sleep at 7:30. Stays asleep. Takeout(even if its pizza hut with a coupon) and a netflix marathon of our favorite TV series.

Now, mine will take 3 hour naps during the day in his crib. Its mind boggling. For those 3 hours, I am mom-free.

Also, have sex. Even if you are tired and a million things to do. Do it. Once you get started, you will remember you like it Once you finish, roommate status suddenly disappears for the rest of the day.

Re: living like roommates with dh

Lisa, I've been where you are. Its very difficult the first few months. I agree w/ burberrygirl, once the kids get on a schedule and are going to bed early, you will have your nights together. Try to make a point to eat at the table and talk. I sometimes have to make a point to sit next to dh on the couch to cuddle. It makes a difference. And it does get easier.

Re: living like roommates with dh

Posted by pmpkn087

Posted by JenBenMen
...bikini waxer ( i know) told me "You know, you left your parents and so will your child--your DH is important too"

thank you for posting this. I tend to forget that DH is just as important as the baby. Sometimes I'm really mean because I just feel like I'm doing "everything" meanwhile he helps tremendously!!!!

Lisa, please know you are NOT alone

Re: living like roommates with dh

Posted by Janice

I did not have baby blues, I had big time husband blues. My high maintence little baby never caused me tears, but my husband would send me into a full blown tantrum.

One night, it hit such a bad peak. A trip to the grocery store gone bad. I came home, put the baby in the crib, and just layed in bed a screamed...cried...I felt like it was the death of my truely great marriage. It was such a scary feeling. My marriage was me...I loved being married to him. I loved our relationship, and I hit a point where I did not even want him around.

At 3 months post partum, I needed a break so I took the baby and we visited my family for the week. Once I got there, I instantly missed DH. The homecoming the following week was so great, it was a start.

He is never disrespectful to me, he tries to help with the baby...but I was envious of his outside life. He was envious of my attention towards the baby. As much as you want to show affection to your husband, its really hard in the beginning. Breastfeeding definitely took its toll on us. I wanted to put down the baby and feel like a person, not a cow. He could not come to grips with that and acted like my boobs were some kind of a gross infection or something.

Ahhhh...but then it happens. The baby goes to sleep at 7:30. Stays asleep. Takeout(even if its pizza hut with a coupon) and a netflix marathon of our favorite TV series.

Now, mine will take 3 hour naps during the day in his crib. Its mind boggling. For those 3 hours, I am mom-free.

Also, have sex. Even if you are tired and a million things to do. Do it. Once you get started, you will remember you like it Once you finish, roommate status suddenly disappears for the rest of the day.

Re: living like roommates with dh

Lisa I think when you move and are closer to family you will hopefully get more alone time and more help.

DH and I were ready to finally have a romantic moment last night - when DD woke up. So she got her bottle, rocked, and then we went on as if nothing had interrupted us. I think you have to sieze the moments even if there is no time to "finish", KWIM?

I put on his favorite nightie cuz I knew he was in the mood - not knowing if it would stay on or off, but at least making the effort.

When you are closer we can get out together during the day and do stuff- storytimes and such -- then the babes will be more tired in the evenings. And having 2 adults with 3 babies is easier than just you for 2!!

I am looking forward to having you closer and I hope the move will be what you need to get some of the intimacy back, by getting the help you can! Take it whenever it is offered!!

See you tomorrow?

Re: living like roommates with dh

I am not a parent yet...but i think couples with or without children can fall into this type of rut....DH and I did a couple of months after we came back from our honeymoon....we both felt like we became roommates and it was so depressing! We were newlyweds...this is not the way things are supposed to be...BUT we talked about it and worked on it and things have definitely changed for the better. You need to talk to you hubby about the way you have been feeling...he probably feels the same way too. And although you have crazy schedules...and kids...and jobs...the tiniest changes in your day to day lives can make a HUGE difference...but you need to be vocal and honest with you DH about how you've been feeling and work at it together! Try to make time for each other even if its only a half hour a night....after the kids have gone to bed to just unwind...no tv...no computer...maybe just a glass of wine and a little music in the background, candles and conversation. Do little things for each other....leave little notes for him to find in his jacket pocket or bag or something....its cheesy...but it helps! Make him his favorite dinner....and like some of the other posters said...try to have a friend or family member come to babysit every now and then....even if you go out for only an hour....its something!

Good luck....and don't worry....it sounds like this happens to a lot of couples and you'll get through it!