Infertility and family - UPDATED

I was wondering the other day who knows out of your family/friends the problems you are having and how much information you are telling people.



I just wanted to say thank you for sharing. You girls are all amazing! And I look forward to the continued support and answers to my many questions.

Message edited 4/23/2008 11:48:01 AM.

Re: Infertility and family

To be honest, I haven't told any immediate family. It's not that they're not supportive, but they feel the need for updates on other things every day, and I didn't want/need that additional stress.

Re: Infertility and family

I'm afraid I talk to much (as you can see by my posts, and I was a shy kid who never spoke a word growing up). My parents, my in-laws, my 3 SIL's, my 5 closest friends (who all went through all this 5 years ago and give me encouragement all the time), most of our clients (b/c most of them have gone through this too and its the only people DH has to talk to), my DH 2 closest friends (one who should also be seeing an RE but have not yet), some family members (who suggested we see an RE) and my cleaning lady (because she prays for me).

I don't talk to them all about what exactly is going on, they just know we're going to an RE and working on it. Only this group and my friends. But, if someone asks I will talk about it. But, of course everytime it doesn't work and I'm asked I feel bad telling them because it makes them uncomfortable. I try not to tell my Mom too much b/c my brother passed away last year and I dont' want to get her hopes up and then let her down when it doesn't work.

Re: Infertility and family

Most close friends know, but we have chosen not to tell family.

Re: Infertility and family

Initially we told not one person. After about 1 month of seeing the RE I had a panic attack and ended up telling my mom what was going on. She knew something was up but didn't expect me to tell her we were having difficulty TTC.

Re: Infertility and family

Because I'm so sensitive and overly emotional about everything, we chose to tell our immediate family what was going on when we decided to move to IVF. We both felt that we would need the extra support. My husband saw how devestated I was each month that AF would show after IUI and he was afraid of how I would handle a failed IVF. For whatever reason we didn't even consider miscarrying like I did after IVF. We were right, the morning I found out my beta dropped and this wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy, he not only needed the support himself, but I was a complete mess he didn't know what to do, so he called his mother to come spend the day with us. She couldn't do anything, but it was comforting to know she was there. As for my family (I posted about this previously), the completely disappointed me. My step-mother (who is a therapist mind you) told me that I was overreacting! Therefore, we decided that this cycle we are not telling anyone anything (except my sister, who is my biggest supporter and cheerleader). We will not tell them until there is something to tell them.

Re: Infertility and family

I have told my friends and family. I kept it to myself at first and then only told my mom and two close friends. After I miscarried I told everyone because I didn't want to hear the "when are you having kids" question anymore.

Re: Infertility and family

The only people that knew we were having trouble were our mothers.

Re: Infertility and family

When we first went to the RE, I only told my sister. When we found out that IVF was our only option, we told our parents and DH told his brother. I also told one very close friend at work and DH told one close friend at work.

After we had DS, we mentioned to a couple close family members and very close friends that we had done IVF to get him.

With our second cycle, I was at a new job and told the women I worked with because we were all so close and it was a small place so I needed them to help cover for me. I've since started a new job and no one here knows.

Re: Infertility and family

My immediate family knows what I am going through and a few very close friends. I do not tell coworkers or my bosses.

Re: Infertility and family

The only people that know anything is my parents and my DH's parents. We felt that they had to know because of all of the appointments and them wanting to see us all the time. Plus DH's parents kept questioning us about kids... We just couldn't stand hearing it any more so we just told them.

It was hard to tell the parents... Neither set of parents wanted to hear that their children were having issues and trouble TTC.

Re: Infertility and family

Both sets of parents know and my sister. A few close friends, but that's all. I don't want people to "feel sorry" for me. I'd rather them think that I am just living the good life with no kids

Re: Infertility and family

Thanks everyone!

I have told my mom and my dad. My brothers know as well.

DH's family i not very supportive, they know something is going on, but never see how things are going or go the extra mile. I feel terrible for dh , it is like no one cares!

I reached out to his sisters when things first went down but they never followed up with me. It is very disappointing.

On the otherhand my mother is driving me crazy!!! She is always suggesting things and is talking to people at work who are giving me things to try. I know she has a lot of guilt about what is happening and I understand that.

I am sure it is just my hormones.

I know she is being helpful and I love the support but sometimes I just want to scream!!!! vent over (lol)


As we move onto IVF i am not sure who if anyone i want to let in on what is going on.

Re: Infertility and family

I've told my mother, my best friend, and a few close friends at work. I don't want people constantly asking me "are you pregnant yet?", so I try to keep the amount of people that know very minimal.

Re: Infertility and family

At first it was just my parents, my best friends, my bosses and my closest co-workers. I felt bad that my in laws were out of the loop because DH didn't want to tell them. He felt embarrassed by the whole situation. I told him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about , a lot of couples go through this and I need as much support from our families as I could possibly get. I told my MIL and she has been extremely supportive during the whole process. I don't know if the rest of my DH family knows. My friends and co-workers have given me so much support as well as my bosses who have been so great during this to me. I know that I have a wonderful support group all around which makes this a little more bearable.

Re: Infertility and family

My family didnt know until we felt we needed to tell them. They pretty much left us alone until and unless we had something to tell. I think DH's family was curious, but asked him the questions instead of me which was fine.

Re: Infertility and family

Pretty much everyone knows our situation- except for a few family members that are gossipers I guess you could say...I've always been pretty open about it if someone asks and its really amazing that the more people that you speak to, the more people have/had the same issues....I was speaking to a neighbor the other day and she had asked me when I planned on re-opening my daycare and I told her about what we are going through- Would you believe she had 2 of her children (of 3) at the same RE practice I did !..We also have to rely on some of my family members to care for DS while we are at appts. so that is another reason that family know...Everyone I know is affected or knows someone affected by IF so for me it just expands my support group...

Re: Infertility and family

No one knows....well, except you guys! We decided not to tell anyone because we didn't want to deal with the questions, comments, etc.

It's been hard dealing with it alone, but after a few bad experiences I've had with well meaning friends and family for different issues, I decided dealing with it alone was better than having to deal with everyone else.

DH and I have even said that if we do end up pregnant we might not share anything with people either. We just don't want to deal with all the questions.

ETA: That's why this board and everyone here have been so important and helpful to me!

Message edited 4/23/2008 11:10:49 AM.

Re: Infertility and family

My DH works for my family's business, and he had to have surgery, so it wasn't really something we could hide. Plus I'm a talker...it feels better to be able to discuss it with those close to me then hold all this in for so long. Everyone lets me talk when I need to and they don't really ask questions unless I bring it up, so I don't feel pressured in any way. It's been a long year and it's been great to be able to lean on them when I need to.

Re: Infertility and family

Because we are going on 3 years, now pretty much everyone knows, but in the beginning it was just our mothers, this board and my best friend.

After some time it was actually easier that people knew since it stopped all the "when are you going to have kids?" questions.

Now everyone knows my policy is we'll let you know when there's something to tell and everyone respects that.

Re: Infertility and family - UPDATED

Gosh reading these responses I have tears in my eyes for you ladies.

We have not told anyone yet. DH has expressed that he would like to and I told him that is up to him if he wants to tell his parents or any of his friends but I don't want to tell anyone in my family. At least not right now. I don't need this one telling that one and this one and calling me up and asking me stupid questions all of the time. It is too painful for me right now. I think DH might need some extra support though and it is his call.

Re: Infertility and family - UPDATED

Pretty much everyone close to me knows what has gone on. It happened over time and we would try to hide things but it never really worked out since I was a drinker and when I wouldn't drink people knew something was up

Re: Infertility and family - UPDATED

By the time we got to IVF pretty much everyone knew what was going on. I am very open and I like to discuss what we went through with people so there is a better understanding of IF. That being said, I totally understand NOT telling people. It's all about how supportive your family and friends are and how comfortable you are about everything.

Re: Infertility and family - UPDATED

My mom, dad, brother, SIL, my MIL, FIL, and BIL know--- don't know if my other SIL knows b/c I'm not close w/ her.
A few of my friends know--- but none of them understand. It's like they don't know what to say so I get the 'maybe you're not meant to have kids', 'just relax and it will happen', 'you two need a vacation'.... those kind of comments. My mom understands as best she can and my MIL suffered from IF herself and could never have children (DH and his brother and sister are all adopted) so she completely understands but she keeps throwing the 'at least you're young' card at me which is driving me nuts also!!!

Re: Infertility and family - UPDATED

When we were going though everything we told our parents, immediate family on my side, and our best friends. We needed them to know so we had someone else to talk to because it was stressful at times as you all know. The other reason we told people was to ward off the inevitable question of the day, "when are you guys going to have kids???". It's a logical question given we're 33 and have been together since we were 16 BUT of course, as you all know, it's not that we didn't want children it just wasn't working. So once everyone knew they were very supportive and we really appreciated having them to turn to.