I'm home after surgery

So I returned home today (well late last night) and I was so delighted to see JAG as he was to see me as he came barreling through my bedroom door this morning, running to my side of the bed and giving me a hug and a little kissy kiss. Life was nice and rosey! I had missed my little man after being away from him for two weeks (I left right after his baptism, I don't think I even got to see pictures from that yet).
Moving on. For those of you who don't know the exacts of what I am talking about I will let you know here and for those that have heard about me a million times I apologize. La, la, la...I got a serious illness. La, la, la I got a bit better. La, la, la. I got a knock down sickness. La, la, la. A surgery I was expecting to have for over a year ended up needing to happen ASAP. I was discharged from the hospital on the 26th of March. A week and a half later we had a private baptism for JAG, April 6th. That night I left with my sister and her husband for Boston. That week I had meetings with multiple sets of medical teams at multiple medical centers and then on the 16th of April I had surgery. The surgery removed my left eye. I stayed in Boston until 4/21 which was when I could do my post-op appointment and since everything looked AOK I fly out that very same day with DH and got home past midnight last night/today.

I am trying to figure out how to interact with JAG. This morning long after the cheerful, wonderful, happy times of our first seeing each other after our time away....BAM! mommy gets knocked in the her oh so swollen face right on the bridge of my nose on the left side of my face. I howl a dreadful scream which would run chills up anyone's spine and my family comes running in. Immediatly, everyone knew JAG had hurt his mommy.
Now, we know that as a wonderful 22 month old child JAG did not do this on purpose and probably didn't even know what had happened to have made such an ugly noise escape from the lips of his mother.
So, how do I work with this one.
I know I can't yell at him and we are out of time to teach him soft or gentle.
I do have my parents here everyday helping me. Do I just completly avoid holding my son until I am healed (which could take 6-8 weeks on a normal person but will probably take longer on me since it is the area that was radiated to a pulp). I am not sure what to do, how to approach, what's correct and what will be best for JAG and myself PLUS I need to be respectful of just how much my parents can do in a day as they are getting older. I appreciate everythin they have done to help me and I never want them to feel taken advantage of and I also don't want them to be in a place where taking care of JAG is too much on them.
Just confused all around here and can use some help.

Re: I'm home after surgery

First of all, I'm glad to hear you're home and that the surgery is over.
My best advice is to sit down with everyone who is caring for him right now and all get on the same page regarding the issue. Ask your parents if they feel comfortable helping in the process of teaching him to not touch mommy's face. I know you don't have a lot of time to teach him this, but at the same time, you DO have a lot of time if your recovery is going to take weeks. They learn quickly, I promise. For now, I wouldn't hold him. I know you want to, but if that is too much of a risk to take while you're swollen and in pain, then you need to think of your recovery first. Also, if you do want to hold him, make sure someone else is in the room so that they can grab him if he starts to get squirmy. I have a 22 month old here, too, and she's rambunctious and squirmy and flailing her arms and legs all the time, so a lot of it is the age.
Hang in there, maybe you can set aside time when he wakes up in the morning and when he goes to bed so that you can have those special times with him when he's a bit more relaxed and calm.
If you need to talk mommy stuff (well, about anything, really) you can always FM me. Ava and JAG are basically the same age, so I'm sure they're going through all the same stuff right now.
It's good to see you around these parts, missy!

Re: I'm home after surgery

Deb,

First, I am so glad the surgery went well

Second, I feel woeful inadequate to be giving you any advice and, obviously, not just because my kids are a year younger than JAG. I would venture to say that your situation is completely unchartered territory for probably everyone on the parenting board. My most significant challenge raising twins on any given day, pales in comparison to the physical and emotional challenges you face everyday.

While none of us can truly understand everything you have been through, perhaps we can put our thinking caps on and try to brainstorm what we would do faced with such a physical challenge coupled with the raising of a toddler.

Moms of 2 year olds???? Any ideas???

Many


and continued for you Deb.

ETA: I agree with Rachel's suggestions. Continue driving home the point of mommy's "boo-boo" and always have a backup person ready to take him.

Message edited 4/22/2008 8:36:29 PM.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Deb...first off and welcome home

As for JAG, I'm sure with your parents around to help, they can be an extra set of hands to help you if he's being a normal 22 month old who's into everything. I can't imagine what you have been through, and I'm sure JAG loves you more than anything!

Re: I'm home after surgery

Hi Deb-
Glad to see you on the parenting board. Happy to hear you are home from your surgery.
My DD is a little younger than JAG (she's 18 months)..... but she's getting into that hitting/flailing thing now. I would echo what previous poster said about holding him in mornings and nights when tired- but as for holding during the day- I probably wouldn't...
I know my daughter is less likely to lash out during bath times, changing, and sitting outside blowing bubbles- so maybe there are those times when JAG wouldn't be so squirmy that you can do- and then your parents can fill in the rest of the time...

Re: I'm home after surgery

Posted by prncss

First of all, I'm glad to hear you're home and that the surgery is over.
My best advice is to sit down with everyone who is caring for him right now and all get on the same page regarding the issue. Ask your parents if they feel comfortable helping in the process of teaching him to not touch mommy's face. I know you don't have a lot of time to teach him this, but at the same time, you DO have a lot of time if your recovery is going to take weeks. They learn quickly, I promise. For now, I wouldn't hold him. I know you want to, but if that is too much of a risk to take while you're swollen and in pain, then you need to think of your recovery first. Also, if you do want to hold him, make sure someone else is in the room so that they can grab him if he starts to get squirmy. I have a 22 month old here, too, and she's rambunctious and squirmy and flailing her arms and legs all the time, so a lot of it is the age.
Hang in there, maybe you can set aside time when he wakes up in the morning and when he goes to bed so that you can have those special times with him when he's a bit more relaxed and calm.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Just wanted to give you lots of , glad you are home and doing well.

Message edited 4/22/2008 8:47:19 PM.

Re: I'm home after surgery

glad your home after surgery...

I would basically have him treat you and teach him how you would expect him to behave with a new baby...

with my son we let him touch the baby but we show him how to do it gently...and when he doesn't we firmly say no touching the baby's face...I would have him sit on someone's lap next to you this way they can control his little hands if needed....

Re: I'm home after surgery

Deb, glad to hear you are home and your surgery went well. I don't think you are out of time to teach him soft and gentle - can you buy him a doll and teach him to be gentle?

I think it was a one time thing where he bumped into you and I don't think it should prevent you from giving him hugs and bringing him close to you. He will learn to be gentle in time and he will see how strong and loving his mommy is.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Deb, I'm so glad the surgery went well and that you are home with your family to help you recover

I agree with everything Rachel said! It's definately not too late to teach him gentle and these little buggers learn VERY quickly!

And, now that you are home, JAG WILL try to get away with whatever he can and try to get a reaction out of you and even if you do the 'ouch' reaction, sometimes they think that is funny (of course he doesn't know how painful it really is). And, I agree with getting your parents and DH on the same page. Maybe don't let him touch anyone's face. This way he's not too confused as to why he can't do certain things with mommy, but can with others.

Good luck!

Re: I'm home after surgery

I don't have advice for JAG as Jeremy is a little younger at 19 months. I just wanted to say how glad I am to hear that you have passed this most recent battle and to let you know how nice it is to see you posting on the Parenting Board.
Now, let's see some pictures of that beautiful little boy!

Re: I'm home after surgery

to you, as always.

At 22 months he is old enough to understand being gentle, this is something we had worked on with dd with the cat and by 22 months she had it down.
I would start slow, don't pick him up without reminding him first and as you pick him up, and I also think you will be able to learn ways to hold him without your face being a target.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Glad you are home and back with your family.
Sorry I dont have any advice other than I am sure your parents are willing to help with keeping you safe and comfortable and JAG happy and entertained. Just sit and speak to everyone about the situation and have JAG part of the conversation too.
Feel better!

Re: I'm home after surgery

Deb -- I am glad that you are home and we are praying over here for a speedy recovery for you.

I don't have anything else then to aggree with Rachel's suggestion --- to just keep trying to teach him that mommy has a booboo that hurts and he needs to be careful around it. I also aggree with having a 2nd person in the room. He probably wants to be so close to you, as you do with him, since you were apart for 2 weeks. I think that with another person there to keep an eye on him, and if you keep explaining to him that it's a booboo that he can't touch, he will start to understand. They are very quick learners at this age.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Posted by Eireann

Posted by prncss

First of all, I'm glad to hear you're home and that the surgery is over.
My best advice is to sit down with everyone who is caring for him right now and all get on the same page regarding the issue. Ask your parents if they feel comfortable helping in the process of teaching him to not touch mommy's face. I know you don't have a lot of time to teach him this, but at the same time, you DO have a lot of time if your recovery is going to take weeks. They learn quickly, I promise. For now, I wouldn't hold him. I know you want to, but if that is too much of a risk to take while you're swollen and in pain, then you need to think of your recovery first. Also, if you do want to hold him, make sure someone else is in the room so that they can grab him if he starts to get squirmy. I have a 22 month old here, too, and she's rambunctious and squirmy and flailing her arms and legs all the time, so a lot of it is the age.
Hang in there, maybe you can set aside time when he wakes up in the morning and when he goes to bed so that you can have those special times with him when he's a bit more relaxed and calm.

I agree with all of this. I also think it's important to be firm with a 2 year old so that he learns the "boundaries." Well, as much as a 2 year old can! I know that's probably the last thing anyone wants to do now though. Hopefully, it was an isolated incident.

Glad the surgery is over and that you're back on the road to recovery!

Re: I'm home after surgery

First I want to say I'm so glad to hear you're home, I hope the recovery goes well (and fast!).

My DD is 2 1/2 now, and still at times she will just swat at you out of nowhere. But we have been working on it since at least JAG's age. There are a lot of great suggestions above, I will just add what we have done.

I agree that the fastest way to teach him is to get everyone on board, and to teach him that everyone's face is off limits. It'll be a more consistent lesson for him this way. Plus since they wouldn't be as hurt if he does hit them it's safer for him to learn on them! Also, for me whenever my DD hits me or does something else when I'm holding her I don't like, I put her right down. If you can't put him down safely then definitely make sure people around you know to be ready to grab him from you when necessary. Just being removed from your arms is sometimes enough for them to learn what they did was wrong. I also think trying to hold in the scream if he does hit your face again may help (he may be curious about the really loud sound mommy makes and want to try it again), although I completely understand that may be impossible! Again if your other family members are on board, letting them know that if he hits them not to react may be enough to teach him.

Other than that, maybe make sure to put him down whenever he seems bored, tired, frustrated, etc. Obviously sometimes my DD hits out of nowhere so it probably won't completely prevent it, but I know for me she's more likely to hit if she's not happy. Also if you feel like it's not safe to hold him much for the next few weeks, now that he's older just prop some pillows (for yourself- sitting on the floor is not as comfy as when we were kids) and sit on the floor with him- he'll still get the interaction with you but you'll be out of swatting range.

Good luck, and I pray you have a fast and easy recovery!

Re: I'm home after surgery

So glad you are home and hope you are off to a speedy recovery (as speedy as it can be at least).

Everyone above gave some great advice ... have everyone who interacts with JAG make sure he knows 'do not touch anyone's face' ... it seems like a good lesson all around.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Welcome home
Have you been set up with any type of case management services? Cant they set you up with a child care provider or nanny that can help you out with him during daytime hrs? I m unsure of what you would qualify for but maybe talk to someone about what options you have for the care of Jag while you are recovering.

Re: I'm home after surgery

I'm so glad you're home and on the mend. It must be such a great feeling to finally see DS again, yet frustrating with the face problem. The advice above is all great. Much better than I could give since DD is only 17 months. I may take some of this advice too though since she just started hitting us this past week. She seems to think it's a game.

I hope he learns to be careful quickly so you can cuddle again soon.

Re: I'm home after surgery

So happy you're home & safe & hope you heal as quickly as possible.

It's completely normal for a 2 year old to hit. It's also completely normal for them to get in trouble for doing it. Trouble can be everything from being put down from being held to put in a corner.

I agree that he couldn't have known what a hit to the face could result in but he is old enough to start learning that it's not acceptable behavior.

At 22 months, Joseph started to try to hit Maddie (a newborn). He was sent to the corner every time & then it became a game to him. We were at a loss too. Spanking him never seemed right because I'm spanking him for hitting, but hitting his butt to drive the point home. In the end, what worked for us was to completely ignore it. If he hit me, he was put down immediately. I said no & walked away. If he hit Maddie, I said no & walked away WITH MADDIE. He didn't get the attention for hitting & eventually it got less & less.

As T said, completely uncharted terroritory for all of us. But I can assure you that hitting (and biting) are completely normal at that age. It's a communication & control issue more than anything else.

I completely agree with Rachel too. Enlist help when you can & engage him during his quietest times. I know nothing beats the nightly snuggle in our house.

And there isn't a chance you're going to be able to avoid that little face until you're completely healed. You are going to hold tight to him & smother him with kisses. After all - he's your reason you took such care to have the surgery in the first place.

Message edited 4/22/2008 10:05:09 PM.

Re: I'm home after surgery

I am glad to hear you are home and the surgery went well.

I had surgery when my boys were 16 months. I was unable to hold them both for 2 weeks and then I was only allowed to hold one of them for about 6 weeks since I could not pick up anything over 20 lbs. My mother had to come stay with us since I needed help with the 2 of them and help for myself. I didn't pick up my one son for over 8 weeks, so my mother did it all for us. I would spend time with them, but my mom was there to help me, since they would want to climb on me and sit with me, and at times they would kick my incision and it was extremely painful.

I would sit down with everyone to try and figure out a good game plan and get on the same page. It is hard to not be able to hold them and be in full contact with them, but I promise you they will forget all about it, and if you remain close, but not too close, they won't realize it fully.

Good Luck!

Re: I'm home after surgery

Welcome home!!!

for a speedy recovery.

I really don't have much more to add than everyone else. I like the idea that he treat you like a new baby. Show him gentle touch and let him know he can only touch mommy wiht the gentle touch.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Deb,

I am so glad to see you are home and feeling better YAY!!!!

I went through something similar with my heart surgery (A 9 inch scar down the middle of my chest) when DD was 12 months. All she wanted was mommy to hold her and I could not for 6 weeks. I had family helping me as well (all different people each week). When I could finally hold her (After 6 weeks) she would squirm and bang her head right into my incision. One day she hit me there because she wanted me to tuck her in and I could not do that just yet (Lift her from the glider to her crib). One of my stitches popped and I had to go the Columbia Presby the next day (with my MIL driving me into the city) to have them look at it. THANK GOD all they did was remove it b/c I was 95% healed. After that, the doctor sat me down and said " OK, another 2-3 weeks before you can hold her, change a diaper, etc." I was so upset, but I knew he was right. When she hit my incision again, she was put into time out by DH. My MIL started in with "she is just a baby, she does not know better". DH told MIL that Grace has to learn not to touch mommy's scar and she will go into timeout for one minute. After Dh put her in time out, he would explain to her that she need s to be gentile with mommy's scar, that mommy has a booboo, etc. After three days of timeouts, Gracie started kissing my scar and being gentle with it. She would say "mama booboo" and I would tell her "Yes, mama booboo". She never hit me or head butted my incision again. To this day, she still kisses my scar, almost a year later.

This is what worked for us. There is more to the story and I tend to be long winded on my posts as it is, so feel free to FM me. Bottom line, you have to have your folks start to put him in time outs for touching your scar. It is a difficult situation b/c he may not realize he is hurting you. This is the only thing that worked for us. DH, me, MIL, and everyone else who watched her for those weeks knew that if she is hitting my scar, she is in time out. End of story. It made me feel terrible, but it had to be done. It was 3 days of it being very hard to deal with emotionally, but then it was great b/c I was not being hurt by her and we could spend time together and hang out without me being fearful of her hurting me, KWIM?

I HTH Deb. I realize that JAG and Grace were different ages, my DD had to learn about time outs way before we wanted her to , but looking back it was worth it.

Glad to see you back!

ETA: Grace is 23 months now and for my horrible spelling.

Message edited 4/22/2008 10:38:06 PM.

Re: I'm home after surgery

Definitely do your holding and cuddling at quiet times..when he first wakes up or is winding down for nap or bedtime. Show him how to be gentle with his stuffed toys to start and praise all efforts he makes to play nice.

Re: I'm home after surgery

you've gotten some good advice, and I agree he is old enough to learn that he cant touch mommy's boo boo, but also do what you feel you can handle.

Bit also-on a seperate note, its nice to see you around