If you lost your mom, please come in

So I have a 19mo dd and pregnant with dd2. They will be almost exactly two years apart. Lately I'm getting overwhelmed at that thought of two and having no help. Everyone I know who has a child or is pregnant with number 2 has their mom around who helps. I'm just feeling so alone. I'm a sahm so it's all me, all day, every weekday. Of course dh helps but that's only evenings and weekends.

It's not like I'm going back to work and already have a nanny or dd1 in daycare.

I don't have my mom. I don't have a nanny or daycare. We don't talk to dh's mom (and even if we did there's not a chance I would leave my children alone with her). Dh's stepmom works full time and I don't know how much she would help anyway.

Part of this is the unknown of what it will be like with 2, 2 years apart and the other huge part is missing my mom.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

I lost my mom too, way before I had my dd, and it's really tough in so many ways. I don't have any help either, so it's just me and dd most of the time except when dh is off from work. That was toughest in the beginning when dd was a baby. I got really overwhelmed a lot. But over time I got more used to how to take care of her and how to balance keeping her safe and entertained while getting things done around the house and keeping my sanity. As she gets older she's able to keep herself entertained a little so that helps. Of course, I don't know what its like with two little ones yet. I am kind of nervous about that too. But if you got through your DD's first two years without help, you can do it again! Now you'll be more experienced at least. By the time your new baby is born, you're dd will be more independent and able to play with her toys or watch tv while you care for the baby. She might even have fun watching or "helping". My dd took an interest in babies around when she turned 2 and she loves to pretend to feed her baby doll and change its diaper. I know its still very frustrating though. Dh and I don't have anyone we trust to watch dd, so we haven't had a date night since before she was born almost 2.5 years ago. But the worst part is I wish my mom and my dd could have known each other. I think my mom would have been so happy to be a grandmother and my dd would have adored her.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

You are not alone.

My mom is having a tough battle with stage 4 cancer right now. We found out last year and it's been a whirlwind since. Now she will be relocating and having her cancer treatment in a different state. So we found out the news when DD was about 18 months and because of the news, I haven't want to have a DC #2 because of it. DD is 30 months now. My mom was such a HUGE help with DD during the first few months. And she was my only babysitter. We might never have a second now because I can't imagine them never meeting my mom and/or juggling two with zero help. I am also a SAHM and relied on my mom a lot. So I am now struggling with do I have a second and who will replace her help in terms of childcare, help and guidance, etc.

Anyway, I think to respond directly to your situation... it's more about missing your mom and feeling alone. It will be HARD, there is no doubt about it. But you have to remember you are strong and can handle it. Lots of people are in the same situation, with zero help and multiple children under 3. If they can do it, so can you. I think you will fall into a new routine with the two children, but I would try and get out to just the local library even to see other people once in awhile. Do you guys have any siblings or cousins with kids?

I will never be able to get over losing my mom (no matter when it happens). I foresee a very dark period coming for myself so I wouldn't ignore those feelings. You will never not mourn your loss no matter how long it has been since her passing.

Can you afford a babysitter or mother's helper? It might be nice to spend time searching for someone you might be comfortable with and then just to be able to hire them for some extra help some days or have them come over so that you can go and get a manicure/pedicure alone for an hour or something. We can't afford one so I know it can be frustrating.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

Posted by BaysideForever

Can you afford a babysitter or mother's helper? It might be nice to spend time searching for someone you might be comfortable with and then just to be able to hire them for some extra help some days or have them come over so that you can go and get a manicure/pedicure alone for an hour or something. We can't afford one so I know it can be frustrating.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

First, I'm so sorry, I can't imagine going through all of this without my mom. I cannot speak for myself but from observing my best friend. She has 1DD (almost 9months). This baby was a surprise, they never wanted kids, and she didn't even find out she was pregnant until she was 12 weeks. Her mother was killed in a tragic car accident when she was almost 8 months pregnant. She has a lot of difficulty handling this sometimes because they really have no one but my family. Her father is elderly, her sister is no use, and his mom is out of the picture. I know that being back at work helps her a lot, which I know isn't possible or even desired, by everyone, but that definitely helps. She relies on friends a lot. When her daughter had her first fever, she called me THEN the doctor. Knowing that we will always be there for them definitely helps her, and she NEVER hesitates to ask for help when she needs.... and I am so thankful that she does! I love giving squishy hugs that little girl!

I'm CERTAIN your friends and other family would be more than willing to help as much as they can. I cannot imagine anyone who cares about you saying no to something if they can do it. Another option might be to start a group of other SAHM that are local (or even not so local) where you can trade off help. If you need to run errands, they can watch DD and vice versa. That's what me & my friend do. When they want a date day/night, and I'm around (which is always when not working) I watch her baby girl and DS, and tomorrow, when I have my brother's wedding, she's taking DS. We've done this a lot since her DD was born.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

I lost my mom a year and a half before my kids were born. I was pregnant a few months before she passed away and she was so happy but I had a miscarriage. It was extremely hard not having her here during my pregnancy and when the kids were born. DH's mom was there and I get along great with her but not having my mom around made me kind of almost resent my MIL. Like she gets to do all this stuff for her kids and grandkids and my mom doesn't. When I was pregnant with my twins I would panic and had no idea how I was going to handle not 1 but 2 kids without my mom around. Then when I got pregnant with my 3rd I would go through periods where I did not even want to get out of bed because I didn't think I could handle it. But at that point I had to push through for my other two. Honestly, there are still days when I don't want to get out of bed, but I push through it. I too am a SAHM to 3 kids 4 and under and while we do have my MIL around to help when we need her, she also has 5 soon to be 6 other grandkids. She does babysit for us so we can go out every once in a while, but she is also always watching some of the other kids so we either have to book her weeks sometimes months in advance or we just feel bad asking her since she is always watching some of the other kids and she needs time to herself. DH and I never get time to ourselves and because of that we are having some major marital issues right now which makes me miss my mom even more. It's HARD and you never get over the loss no matter how old you are or how longs it's been. My mom passed in 2009 and I still have really bad days. But you have remind yourself that you are strong and you can do it and you have to do it for your kids.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

I lost my mom last March, so it's almost been a year since her passing. I only have one DD, but I recently left my job to stay at home, so I know how it can be tough and overwhelming at times. Have you met other mom's in your area to meet up with for playdates or just to chat? While I know that might not help with the care perspective, it is nice to have other people to get together with. I live in the city, and found a lot of moms through meet up and Facebook groups. I also participate in activities through bigcitymoms and mommybites.

As for the emotional aspect, there are times when I miss my mom terribly. When DD does something adorable or new, I get so incredibly sad that I can't pick up the phone and tell my mom. I also struggle with the relationship my inlaws have with her. They are wonderful people, and love my daughter to death, but I can't help but feel a slight resentment knowing that my daughter will never get to know my mom. I feel sad that she'll grow up only knowing one grandma. Not sure how to handle that aspect.

If you lost your mom, please come in

Thank you all for your responses. I too understand the resentment. We are not on speaking terms with dh's mom, haven't seen her since oct 2013 as a matter of fact. She hasn't seen dd since she was 3 months old! That's a whole other issue. But I do feel resentment towards his stepmother that she gets to be grandma and my mom doesn't.

As for meeting other moms, I have tons! I actually started my own meetup group with 60 or so members and a lot have become very close friends. In fact one is on her way over with her twins after picking up panera for us. So I am lucky that I have people. It's just the one I truly want I don't have so it gives me blinders to everyone else.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

If you lost your mom, please come in

Just wanted to give you hugs. I cannot pretend to understand the feeling but as you know Andy has lost both his parents so I think I am a good ear if you ever want it!

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

I haven't lost my mother but she has alzheimer's. So in a way we're slowly losing her . And obviously she can't babysit or help out. A lot of our focus is on helping her. My MIL is recovering from stage 4 lymphoma so we don't ask her for help either. I do have daycare but I work full time. It is very hard to see friends who have a lot of help from their mothers and not feel some jealousy. I can't imagine what it's like if your mom has passed. That's great you have a support system of friends to call on when needed. I know it's not the same but it helps.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

Giving you hugs! We have spoken before about the loss of our Mothers and how hard it is having kids without them here.

No one will ever replace your mom and you will always feel that something is missing - even sitting in a room full of your friends who have come over to help you.

Just take it day by day and lean on your support network of people. They will help you. I also think having a babysitter/mother's helper a few days a week for a couple of hours will be great if you can afford to do so. Take that time for you - go get your nails done, your hair done, a massage. Make that time about you.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

No advice but just wanted to send hugs

If you lost your mom, please come in

How about your father?

My father was a huge help to me. If possible we bonded even MORE over my daughter. Is there another loved one?

I am sorry for your loss :( I hate seeing people miss their moms and suffer.. I think so often of my dad. Some say its not the same, but the truth is.. my father was my world. Its been over a year and a half and its still not 'better'.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

You are so not alone.

I lost my mom last September. She was there for me the first few weeks of my daughter's life. Helping out. Coming every day at the crack of dawn because I was so exhausted and needed help. I didn't know what I would do without her.

Then when my DD was only 6w old, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She was very ill and moved in with us and I took care of the newborn and my mother at once (I left my job to care for the both of them full-time). Everything was upside down and all I could think of was that I needed my mom to help me, not the other way around. But I adapted. It was hard but I did it.

Now that she is gone, the thought of having another baby without her is heartbreaking. Even though she was sick, she was a huge part of my daughter's life as an infant. And those first few weeks home with a new baby….how would I survive those without my mom?? How can I have another baby that she will never know? It's a big reason why I'm scared to have another. I don't know how I'll do it "alone" (obviously I have DH).

But if anything came from my mother's illness, it taught me that you will adapt. you will get by. And while it will be hard, you can do it. She'll be there in her own way. Know that she's helping you by looking out for you. She's there in spirit and heart.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

no advice just and support

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

First

Almost 10 yrs ago my mom had a stroke that left her paralyzed on her right side

The jealously I see from the date night posts. The hanging with grandma posts and all the other ones just kill me

My mom can't hold my kids. She gets confused so easily with names. It's never what I expected

As for you and your kids trust me you will be fine. I have 2 yr old twins and zero help. No sitters and I'm with my kids 24/7

Do I want to pull my hair out sometimes. Yes of course. But you can do it. And you will be amazing at it

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

I know right now it may seem overwhelming but you will be the best mom. I have a 3 year old, 20 month old and a 6 month old and yes it's hard the days I'm alone. I don't shower, I listen to z100 replay channel for adult conversation and I eat cookies for breakfast and I break up arguments. It's tough at times but in the back of my mind I know this time will go by and I'll miss the craziness.
I'm sorry you don't have your mom I'm sure it's because of her that you are the mom you are today. Thinking of you!

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

My sister and i lost our mom 19 years ago. She wasnt here for college graduation, wedding, or any children . I unfortunately understand your pain oh to well. And you have my greatest sympathys. I had alot of help. But my sister, like you, had no one. Just remember youre strong, and can do it! Just cause your mom isnt here physically doesnt mean her spirit isnt here to guide you when things get rough. I always believe shes around me and my sis to help when things get hectic. And your mom will be there too. my sis is on this site too (twobabies) feel free to fm her she will help you too.

Message edited 2/14/2015 6:51:41 AM.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

My DDs are older now but i had them 2.5 years apart and was a SAHM at that time. I have no mom, no MIL and my sister moved OOS. It was diificult at first and i also felt bad when other moms spoke about their moms. But I worked it out and you will too!! I had a routine and got out ofnthe house. Just want to mention that i also had a somewhat unreliable and unspportive husband at the time. I ended up after DD2 was born getting a sitter a few hours a week so i could run errands. I also reached out to my SIL occasionally.

I had 2 mommy friends that also had no mom and MIL OOS so we could relate.

there are 2 books wort reading by the same author

motherless daughters
motherless mothers

Message edited 2/14/2015 7:36:13 AM.

If you lost your mom, please come in

I lost my mother after Dd turned 1. Plus I live OOS, so we really have no one. No family, no in laws close by to help. It was very hard, it still is. I don't have much advice, other than seeing if you can get a sitter or start PT daycare for your oldest. Just letting you know I'm in the same boat, as many of us seem to be. It really does suck.

Re: If you lost your mom, please come in

I lost my mom when my twins were 8 months old. It was a complete shock as she had a heart attack (she was only 54). To say that I was devastated is an understatement. When I came home from the hospital she stayed with me every day until DH got home from work. I was nursing and having a difficult time and she was my biggest supporter and helped me out so much.

When I went back to work her and my MIL shared babysitting duties. My mom had them 3 days a week and my MIL had them 2 days a week. I thought this was perfect. After she died, my world was turned upside down. If it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed. MIL watched them for me while I worked even though we offered many times we would put them in daycare 2 times a week. She didn't want to hear it but yet she was/is always tired.

Well, a month after my mom died I got pregnant. Total shock. It took 3 years of trying, multiple IUIs, a miscarriage, and IVF to get my kids. My mom always wanted me to have another. I really believe my 3rd is sent from her. He is an angel. The most easy going child I've ever seen. It was very tough when I was pregnant. I had 9 month old twins and was still mourning the loss of my mom. Of course I was happy to be having another baby, but my emotions were all over. I was like how can I do this? My mom will never meet this baby, she'll never see the twins first steps, etc. I was actually nervous to tell my MIL but she was thrilled and said she couldn't wait to watch another baby. I was shocked.

Sorry for the long post but lots of hugs. No one can ever replace your mom. I still have many many times I cry and I think about her every day.

If you lost your mom, please come in

I can't thank you all enough for sharing your stories or even just offering support. I really appreciate it and it means a lot to me.