Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I feel like I'm neither here nor there with work and with my home life.

Let me explain....

When I'm at work i feel like my work and attitude have not been gun-ho. I could care less about any of what's going on here. Obviously my work suffers and I feel like I'm here in body but not in spirit. I guess it doesn't help that when i came back from maternity leave my job was completely different and I felt and still feel like I don't fit in here anymore. I however do like having some of the "adult" time being a FTWM affords me.

When I'm home i'm exhausted and only get about an hour with DS. That hour is rough...it's his witching hour, I have to bathe him an give him his last bottle of the night. Then it's preparing everything for the next day. I feel like I have nothing to do with setting his routines and no time to really play and interact with him. DH and I get maybe an hour to talk at night. We've started commuting together in the morning so we can have some more time togther.

I feel like when I'm at work I come onto the board to kinda feell like I am a parent if that makes sense, even though many nights I don't feel like one. When I'm at work my mind is on home. I feel like I'm failing as a worker becasue I don't want to be here. When I'm at home I feel like I'm failing as a wife and mother, because I basically just sleep in my house. I'm still not even unpacked totally in our new home and we moved in Aug.

I don't know why I'm writing this...I think I just need vent. I don't think I want to be a SAHM but I don't want to miss my sons childhood by commuting and only being at work.

Today DS snuggled his babysitter when I dropped him off and i wanted to punch her (not literally) I was jealous.

Message edited 10/7/2010 3:53:53 PM.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

What type of work to you do? The only thing that makes it at all bearable for me is that my commute is 15 minutes, nd so I get the maximum amount of time w/ DS.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I know exactly how you feel. I have been absent at work since returning from maternity leave. I used to be so ambitious and worked so hard in school and at work. Now all I do is miss DS. I feel like I am such a bad worker because I know I am just coasting.

The current plan is for me to be a SAHM once DC#2 is born this spring. I know that I am going to be torn once again when I'm home. My career was my identity for so long.

It's so hard being a mom. I feel you are always torn and feeling guilty.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Its very normal what you're going through. You're still going through a transition of becoming a working mom. I felt exactly like you for a long time. I'd say it took appx 2 years to finally have things fully under control...the key is to become very organized, at home and at work...everything will fall into place and it'll get better, I promise.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I felt the same way - I was exhausted because DS was up all night, and lost at work.

Message edited 10/7/2010 4:35:02 PM.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

It does get better as they get older & they stay up later. I used to be jealous too - the witching hour was tough.

One theory that helped me get through it was that I was the person they broke down with because I was the one they "trusted" the most. So all was right in the world until Mommy came along....

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Sounds very familiar

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I feel EXACTLY the same way! And I have an almost 4 year old DD and a 7 month old DD - so for me, it didn't get any better!!!!! I don't think I could be a SAHM but I am not into my job anymore and don't want to be here.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I honestly could have written this word for word. Every single part. No joke.

My attitude at work lately stinks. I have no motivation. I feel like I have ADD. I can't focus. I couldn't care less. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way and beat myself up for not liking my career anymore.

Then I'm home and I feel like what is the point- I see my DD for like an hour a day when I work. She's not easy either so it's a battle during that hour.
Scremaing fussing what have you.
Then I have to make her bottles for daycare the next day, make sure her laundry is done for the next day etc...some nights I barely have time to even eat dinner myself.

Then I think about being a SAHM- and I know I wouldn't be happy with that either.

Sometimes I just don't know WHAT I want anymore.

I think though that we need to chalk this up to it being a BIG adjustment and we need to give ourselves more time.
Our babies aren't even a year old yet- I am hoping this will all get easier.

But if it helps- you are not alone.
I feel your pain- 100% of everything you wrote here!

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I know how you feel all too well Right now I feel like I have no "balance".

Like NervousNell, I also know that I wouldn't be happy as a SAHM - so not working wouldn't make things better.

What I really want is to either get home earlier every night (and not take work home with me or work on the weekends) or reduce my hours to work 4 days a week. Unfortunately, those are not options at my current position.

Message edited 10/7/2010 5:12:02 PM.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

As you can see, you are not the only one who feels this way. it is not easy being a mother, wife and worker. I cried to dh about this the other morning. Luckily for me dd is home with dh-he is a sahd. I get to see dd for about 2 hours when I get in and he wants to play, eat, needs a bath, etc. I feel like she looks to dh for everything and doesn't want me I know that isn't the truth, but it is how I feel and it hurts. Of course my marriage suffers some because we are both so tired. Don't be hard on yourself. You do the best job you can and your family loves you! DS knows you are mom and that will never change! We will all get through this

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I can totally relate. I work about 60 hrs a week and I am always tired, always half of me everywhere. I hear ya

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Posted by lipglossjunky73

I can totally relate. I work about 60 hrs a week and I am always tired, always half of me everywhere. I hear ya

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

I could have wrote this myself.
to you

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Thank you girls for all of the support. You guys echoed a lot of how I feel...like I'm coasting, like I have ADD and just can't focus at work. So exhausted all the time. I told DH last night there has to be a better way. I'm sure as time goes on it'll get better. it's just hard to undertand in this moment.

Re: Feeling Neither Here Nor There (warning...LONG)

Posted by bluekat16

Thank you girls for all of the support. You guys echoed a lot of how I feel...like I'm coasting, like I have ADD and just can't focus at work. So exhausted all the time. I told DH last night there has to be a better way. I'm sure as time goes on it'll get better. it's just hard to undertand in this moment.