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Celt
~~~~~~~~~~
Member since 4/08 7758 total posts
Name:
colette
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Hey Heath, I meant to reply in somewhat serious fashion earlier, but alas, I couldn't get back til now.
OK so here's what I'm gonna say about your "enabling" dilemma. First off, it's a word I HAAAAATE. I mean like HAAAAATE. I think it's an obnoxious way for adults to "pass the buck" and blame everyone around them (usually their mothers  , but not limited to them) for their life's woes. And I HATE that. I hate when an addict or alcoholic claims the people around them "ennabled" him/her, I hate when dr's validate that word (allowing the patient to feel like a victim) and I haaaate that loving your kid, FIERCELY, conjures up a negative connotation of any kind.
I apologize for the digression but the word itself makes me cuckoo. You went ABOVE and BEYOND the mom call of duty; you saw (and empathized with) that look of FEAR in your kid's eyes. You reacted as a MOTHER, not as a MOTHER SUPERIOR. And I'll tell you also that, today, and for as long as you can milk this, you are your son's hero. Heroine, I guess . Sure you could go the other route and let him "suffer the consequences". You can do that now, and next year, and forever until he's 35 and still forgetting his sh*t. And he wouldn't remember any of it.
I guarantee you your little late night trip into the wilds of Brooklyn to save his behind at school is going to be a dearly-held memory for him for DECADES. I have a few of those moments with both of my parents and I am TELLING you those memories are more valuable to me than anything I own. It's one of those stories that'll pop up from time to time and you'll all laugh and  and he'll give you a punch in the arm and say "You weren't always sooooo bad, ma..." hahahahahaa. And then you'll have to leave the room and shed a little tear cause you'll still be loving this kid as much then as you did last night.
If you ennabled anything, you ennabled your kid to feel safe, and confident, and loved.
OK I'll step down now. 
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Posted 3/11/11 7:14 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
I would have done the same....along with those threats for what will happen if it happens again 
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| Posted 3/11/11 7:21 PM |
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HeathKernandez
Our Ron is an awesome Ron
Member since 4/07 9091 total posts
Name:
baby fish mouth
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by colette
Hey Heath, I meant to reply in somewhat serious fashion earlier, but alas, I couldn't get back til now.
OK so here's what I'm gonna say about your "enabling" dilemma. First off, it's a word I HAAAAATE. I mean like HAAAAATE. I think it's an obnoxious way for adults to "pass the buck" and blame everyone around them (usually their mothers , but not limited to them) for their life's woes. And I HATE that. I hate when an addict or alcoholic claims the people around them "ennabled" him/her, I hate when dr's validate that word (allowing the patient to feel like a victim) and I haaaate that loving your kid, FIERCELY, conjures up a negative connotation of any kind.
I apologize for the digression but the word itself makes me cuckoo. You went ABOVE and BEYOND the mom call of duty; you saw (and empathized with) that look of FEAR in your kid's eyes. You reacted as a MOTHER, not as a MOTHER SUPERIOR. And I'll tell you also that, today, and for as long as you can milk this, you are your son's hero. Heroine, I guess . Sure you could go the other route and let him "suffer the consequences". You can do that now, and next year, and forever until he's 35 and still forgetting his sh*t. And he wouldn't remember any of it.
I guarantee you your little late night trip into the wilds of Brooklyn to save his behind at school is going to be a dearly-held memory for him for DECADES. I have a few of those moments with both of my parents and I am TELLING you those memories are more valuable to me than anything I own. It's one of those stories that'll pop up from time to time and you'll all laugh and and he'll give you a punch in the arm and say "You weren't always sooooo bad, ma..." hahahahahaa. And then you'll have to leave the room and shed a little tear cause you'll still be loving this kid as much then as you did last night.
If you ennabled anything, you ennabled your kid to feel safe, and confident, and loved.
OK I'll step down now.
you witch... you done & made me tear up
[shakes fist]
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| Posted 3/11/11 10:10 PM |
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pharmcat2000
Mom of 2 + 1
Member since 10/05 7395 total posts
Name:
Catherine
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by colette
If you ennabled anything, you ennabled your kid to feel safe, and confident, and loved.
I agree with this 100,000%!!!
I feel as mothers it is our job to help our kids. And if the help he needed that night was to get the book, then that is what you did. Sure, he may need to be more organized, but I think by doing things such as taking away the video games for not doing the right thing is a better way to teach him. I don't think that having him go to school with the thought "Mom didn't take me out to get the book I needed" is good for either of you. And even if this thought IS misdirecting the blame for the incident (blaming you instead of himself for forgetting), that is how kids think, and that will be his reality. I don't know if I am even making sense, but I think you did the right thing...I know I would have done that too! I just feel like if they can't count on US, who CAN they count on?
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| Posted 3/12/11 4:13 AM |
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pickles16
Real Estate Professional
Member since 11/07 17227 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
I would have done the same thing. The thought of sending him in to the teacher knowing he'll get in trouble would have killed me!!!
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| Posted 3/12/11 7:42 AM |
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Kahuna
LIF Toddler
Member since 4/10 497 total posts
Name:
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by HeathKernandez
Posted by Kahuna
"any parent would have done the same". I would not.
somehow this doesn't surprise me.
I figured as much.
Consequences for our actions (or in this case, his inaction).
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| Posted 3/12/11 5:44 PM |
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Palebride
I am an amazing bakist
Member since 5/05 13673 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
I would have done the same thing. He's 10....he's allowed to make mistakes. If it becomes a habit and he starts doing it on purpose because he knows you'll help - then it's a problem!
But, to me, as a mom....having my child know they can come to me when they make a mistake is more powerful than any "lesson" they might learn in school!
There's a reason your son is awesome!
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| Posted 3/12/11 9:28 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
I'd enable the hell out of my kids if it meant having a relationship with them like you have with Aidan.
Yeah, it sucks that he's so disorganized- but really, he didn't have a chance with our genes coursing through those veins.
But you know what Caz? He is such a nice, RESPECTFUL, and most importantly, CARING child. The way he is with my little ones and the kids that live in my neighborhood speaks VOLUMES. It's not a surprise that it's a big celebration when Aidan comes to visit us.
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| Posted 3/13/11 9:21 AM |
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
I don't think this is enabling at all- he was panicked and stressed and you talked about how he can avoid doing it again- he learned from that, moreso than not getting the work done, or getting it done late.
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| Posted 3/13/11 10:09 AM |
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lvdolphins
My Loves!
Member since 5/05 46292 total posts
Name:
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Awww I'm glad the teacher accepted it and I would have done the same thing! I would not want to see my kid get in trouble.
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| Posted 3/13/11 10:55 AM |
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HeathKernandez
Our Ron is an awesome Ron
Member since 4/07 9091 total posts
Name:
baby fish mouth
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by Kahuna
Consequences for our actions (or in this case, his inaction).
Sorry- but I can't stand people that just rely on that theory. ESPECIALLY for a child.
I don't know if I believe that for a 10 year old... Perhaps on a case by case basis, but I pick my battles and this one didn't seem to be that important.. I want my kid to trust me and not be afraid of me.. I take comfort in knowing he can come to me for help. I think if I do the punishing, rather than the teacher, he learns more.. The teacher will just give him a poor grade. WHAT 10 YEAR OLD CARES ABOUT POOR GRADES other than "uh oh, mom & dad will be mad"
Now, limiting his video game time, making him read more, give him a few extra chores around the house, THAT will affect him.
Message edited 3/13/2011 12:33:23 PM.
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| Posted 3/13/11 12:32 PM |
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FaBuLoUsMrsT08
LIF Infant
Member since 11/08 192 total posts
Name:
Krystal
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
I probably would have done the same thing. That used to happen to me all the time when i was in school ...and i'd be a wreck. i hated the thought of getting in trouble..so id probably have a hard time letting DD go through it if i could help.
p.s. I live in williamsburg...so i'm aware of the lack of options you had. you probably already know about it..but there's a bookstore on frankln st. called word. the kids section is small...but sometimes i'm surprised by what they have., and they're open Sunday til 8 i think.
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| Posted 3/13/11 2:57 PM |
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HeathKernandez
Our Ron is an awesome Ron
Member since 4/07 9091 total posts
Name:
baby fish mouth
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by FaBuLoUsMrsT08
I probably would have done the same thing. That used to happen to me all the time when i was in school ...and i'd be a wreck. i hated the thought of getting in trouble..so id probably have a hard time letting DD go through it if i could help.
p.s. I live in williamsburg...so i'm aware of the lack of options you had. you probably already know about it..but there's a bookstore on frankln st. called word. the kids section is small...but sometimes i'm surprised by what they have., and they're open Sunday til 8 i think.
I'm in Greenpoint RIGHT off Franklin Street.
Word is our local bookstore which was the first place I tried LAST time this happened =) They have a great kid's section but no biographys, etc...
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| Posted 3/13/11 3:25 PM |
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Kahuna
LIF Toddler
Member since 4/10 497 total posts
Name:
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by HeathKernandez
Posted by Kahuna
Consequences for our actions (or in this case, his inaction).
Sorry- but I can't stand people that just rely on that theory. ESPECIALLY for a child.
I don't know if I believe that for a 10 year old... Perhaps on a case by case basis, but I pick my battles and this one didn't seem to be that important.. I want my kid to trust me and not be afraid of me.. I take comfort in knowing he can come to me for help. I think if I do the punishing, rather than the teacher, he learns more.. The teacher will just give him a poor grade. WHAT 10 YEAR OLD CARES ABOUT POOR GRADES other than "uh oh, mom & dad will be mad"
Now, limiting his video game time, making him read more, give him a few extra chores around the house, THAT will affect him.
Am I missing something or did you yourself not call it your "enabling mommy moment"? I simply stated that I do not handle my son's (albeit infrequent) "flaky" moments like this.
I wouldn't have punished my son for forgetting a class assignment (again)that he had several days to do (again). I would have let him fail the assignment. It doesn't seem that the no video games/ extra chores punishment taught anything the first time or there wouldn't have been a late night dash to B & N for a second time. A 5th grader is certainly old enough to remember assignments. Or at least keep track in an assignment book.
The teacher isn't punishing him either. When did failing for not doing your job (and in a sense school is a child's job) become somebody "punishing" you?
There are many elementary school children out there who do care about good grades. Otherwise, they wouldn't get excited about a good report card or gold star, or panic about forgetting (again) a book that's due the next day.
Listen, I know it's hard to be the bad guy and watch them fail at something that they could have easily succeeded at. But in this type of case (such as forgotten homework) I'd rather be his parent and have him learn accountability, responsibility and consequences then to be his "good buddy" that "enables" his irresponsibility and he learns nothing.
Yeah, he's going to be mad at me/my wife for a few hours for not making it easy on him.
Yeah, my son is going to be embarrassed when he goes to school and his classmates rag him for a few minutes for being a flake. What kid wants to be the failing loser of his class?
He'll get over it, he'll learn, and the next time he has an assignment or task like this that he needs to get done for school he comes to us the day it's assigned for help and gets it done in plenty of time. The consequence of that? He's rewarded with good grades, he's not known as a "flake" , he's in control of a portion of his life in which a lot of things are out of his control, and he earns the respect of his parents.
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| Posted 3/14/11 10:15 PM |
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HeathKernandez
Our Ron is an awesome Ron
Member since 4/07 9091 total posts
Name:
baby fish mouth
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Re: Enabling mommy moment!!
Posted by Kahuna
Posted by HeathKernandez
Posted by Kahuna
Consequences for our actions (or in this case, his inaction).
Sorry- but I can't stand people that just rely on that theory. ESPECIALLY for a child.
I don't know if I believe that for a 10 year old... Perhaps on a case by case basis, but I pick my battles and this one didn't seem to be that important.. I want my kid to trust me and not be afraid of me.. I take comfort in knowing he can come to me for help. I think if I do the punishing, rather than the teacher, he learns more.. The teacher will just give him a poor grade. WHAT 10 YEAR OLD CARES ABOUT POOR GRADES other than "uh oh, mom & dad will be mad"
Now, limiting his video game time, making him read more, give him a few extra chores around the house, THAT will affect him.
Am I missing something or did you yourself not call it your "enabling mommy moment"? I simply stated that I do not handle my son's (albeit infrequent) "flaky" moments like this.
I wouldn't have punished my son for forgetting a class assignment (again)that he had several days to do (again). I would have let him fail the assignment. It doesn't seem that the no video games/ extra chores punishment taught anything the first time or there wouldn't have been a late night dash to B & N for a second time. A 5th grader is certainly old enough to remember assignments. Or at least keep track in an assignment book.
The teacher isn't punishing him either. When did failing for not doing your job (and in a sense school is a child's job) become somebody "punishing" you?
There are many elementary school children out there who do care about good grades. Otherwise, they wouldn't get excited about a good report card or gold star, or panic about forgetting (again) a book that's due the next day.
Listen, I know it's hard to be the bad guy and watch them fail at something that they could have easily succeeded at. But in this type of case (such as forgotten homework) I'd rather be his parent and have him learn accountability, responsibility and consequences then to be his "good buddy" that "enables" his irresponsibility and he learns nothing.
Yeah, he's going to be mad at me/my wife for a few hours for not making it easy on him.
Yeah, my son is going to be embarrassed when he goes to school and his classmates rag him for a few minutes for being a flake. What kid wants to be the failing loser of his class?
He'll get over it, he'll learn, and the next time he has an assignment or task like this that he needs to get done for school he comes to us the day it's assigned for help and gets it done in plenty of time. The consequence of that? He's rewarded with good grades, he's not known as a "flake" , he's in control of a portion of his life in which a lot of things are out of his control, and he earns the respect of his parents.
The teacher didn't punish him b/c he did his assignment... BECAUSE we went out and got a book.
But I see your point. I guess I expected to receive way more criticism than I got, and when I received so many "I would have done the same thing" I realized I was being too hard on myself.
My husband is like you... (the "you" as you come across on this thread)... "oh well... you didn't remember- you suffer..."
ANd trust me-- we have used that approach...I just don't "feel" it's right for us & him...maybe it's because I empathize so much with Aidan b/c he IS JUST LIKE how I was as a kid...And I remember what that was like..
My mother reminded me of the same story I remembered when this happened with Aidan... "Being kicked out of the gifted & talented program because I forgot my folder AGAIN..."
It TRAUMATIZED me... I was in 3rd grade? To this day, I remember that experience... And when I told my mom about this story, IMMEDIATELY she started talking about when I got kicked out of G&T... and how when the teacher contacted her, she reminded the teacher I was "gifted" enough to know how to reach her, a working mother in the middle of the morning, in the 1980s, while in school myself... Trying to get the folder in before I had my G&T class...
But in this type of case (such as forgotten homework) I'd rather be his parent and have him learn accountability, responsibility and consequences then to be his "good buddy" that "enables" his irresponsibility and he learns nothing.
Personally, I don't feel this type of forgetfulness is so "irresponsible." It's part of being a kid and maturing (for MY kid at least...) there are other areas that he excels leaps and bounds over "responsible" kids. I don't think he learns nothing... I think, if anything, he LEARNED that he can be honest with me. He knew there was a chance I wouldn't help him... The whole time, he said "mom, you do what you want... I'll take it..."
At least-- we'll see... if this happens again, then I have to take another approach and learn from it.
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| Posted 3/14/11 11:39 PM |
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| Pages: 1 [2] |
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