Divorced Ladies

Hi Ladies,

I need your help in my situation. I am 100% miserable in my marriage. My husband has been abusive to me in all ways. I have a newborn and I feel so sad for this baby. He screams and yells, wakes the baby up. I know this is not the right way to live my life for myself of my child. I HATE this man so much. I almost regret getting married to him. I sort of went in with mixed feelings. He is such a manipulator, tries to turn things around.

My question for you ladies that have been there, how did you finally get the courage to go ahead with the divorce. I am not worried financially, but am worried that I will never meet someone, etc. Sometimes I think everything is my fault, but I know it is not.

There is NOTHING that I like about this man. He is such a *******. I have caught him in several lies (nothing too crazy, just stupid little things). He never finishes anything he tries to do, he does nothing around here. He is unemployed right now and it seems like he does not even care. Honestly I can not say one thing about him that I like.

My parents know everything and HATE him too. I have not discussed this with any of my friends.

I am so sad right now I do not know what to do.

Last week he got in his car and drove to Virginia and left me with the baby alone and then after I called him for 8 hours straight and left messages, he finally called me back and turned the car around and came home.



He threatens me every day with divorce so I tell him to just do it already. I wish he would.

Message edited 2/14/2006 11:07:15 AM.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I am not divorced but I just want to say Good Luck. It sounds like your parents are on board.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I have never been in that situation, nor have I been divorced. I just wanted to give you 's.

Re: Divorced Ladies

If you are sure you want to leave, just leave. It's never going to feel like the right time and you will never feel ready to do it.

Can you go to your parents? Why not pack a bag for a few days and go stay with them with the baby? It may give you the perspective and reassurance you need for this decision.

It's never healthy to be in an abusive relationship. I know it's much easier said then done, but if you are thinking of leaveing...LEAVE

Re: Divorced Ladies

I hope everything works out for you. If divorce is what you feel you need to do, then I think you should do it as soon as possible. It's ok if you don't get married again. You have to be strong for yourself, but most importantly your child.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I was divorced from my first husband. I found out he was having an affair with my best friend. I was devestated. So I say he actually made it easy for me to make this decision. I have never once regretted it or looked back.

You must think - are you better with him or without him? Sounds to me like there is no doubt in your mind that you would be better off without him -- so would your baby, who must take precedence right now over everything and everyone.

You have family that loves you and it seems would support you. You will be able to start over. You need to be strong and determined, and lean on those you can trust and count on.

I am living proof.... you can start life over and be happy. Please do what you need to do - everyone derves to be happy.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I was in a very similar situation with my Ex... if you want to talk you can FM me any time!
I finally got up the courage to leave my Ex the day we were moving into the home we bought 'together' (my name was the only one on the deed because I didn't trust him) and he disappeared for hours while me and my family moved all of our things, when he Finally showed up he started screaming and yelling and threatening me right in front of our son (he was 1 at the time) just because I "questioned" where he was...and I don't know what happened, I just looked at him and told him to take his things and leave.. haven't seen him but once since then and I've moved on... I got together with my high school sweetheart and we've been married for 2 years with a new baby and I have never ever been happier.... and back then I didn't think it was possible! I wasted years with him and dealt with ALOT of verbal and mental abuse that I didn't need to take.

Re: Divorced Ladies

First off, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Secondly, a friend of mine went through this recently. She had some similar fears that you do- what if I never find someone, will I be alone forever... but she decided it was worth the gamble to be alone rather than with her husband and that she owed it to herself to try to find that true love that she deserved. She is now dating someone. He may or may not be "the one", but there are people out there.


You deserve to find true love. If you are so miserable, just go to your parents for a little while and figure out where to go from there. If your parents can help you, they will support you and maybe can even help with your caring for your baby.

Not to mention, your child deserves to grow up in a home with love and peace. If your DH is abusive, think of the affects that will have on your child.

You CAN do this! You have the strength! You have support! You deserve love and peace in your home! You CAN do whatever you want to do! And we are here for support you in any way we can!
Please feel free to FM me if you need anything.

Re: Divorced Ladies

If he has been abusive in "ALL WAYS" - get out!

It sounds like your parents are behind you and I wouldn't even be thinking about not being able to find someone in the future ... I'd be most concerned with the present.

Best of luck!!!

Re: Divorced Ladies

My divorce will be final in a matter of days...just waiting for the judgement from the court. I do know what you are going through.

My courage came from believing in myself that I deserve and will find better. My husband kept coming back and finally the first week of the new year I ended it for good after he came clean about a few things. I was devastated and realized that I will NEVER trust this person and I am young...this is the time to move on if I am going to at all. I realized it was just as much a risk of being alone and unhappy staying with him than going out there, moving on....and meeting someone else.

I first worked on myself....found myself ... and now am looking to find someone to share this great person I found with. It's not easy...however the journey is so worth it. THere are great days and no so great one's too...but you must have faith. I rather live as a single independent woman than live a life with someone who let me down and has caused me more pain and saddness than anyone deserves.

Please FM me...i would be happy to talk to you...I have been there. Good luck...my thoughts are with you and your family. You will be ok!

Message edited 2/14/2006 11:24:04 AM.

Re: Divorced Ladies

First off, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

I'm divorced (now remarried) and I know how difficult this can be, but you have to do what's best for you and your child. You and your baby deserve to live in peace and harmony, not in an abusive situation. Do you have your family's support? I know I could not have gotten through my divorce without my family and friends. Perhaps you can stay with your parents for a while?

As far as worrying about meeting someone else, I used to worry about the same thing, but ultimately I would have rather been alone than stay married to my ex and be miserable for the rest of my life. As it turned out, I didn't have to worry about that because I'm now married to the love of my life...which I'm sure will happen for you too.

If you would like to talk more, you can FM me.

Re: Divorced Ladies

Posted by Wendy

If he has been abusive in "ALL WAYS" - get out!

It sounds like your parents are behind you and I wouldn't even be thinking about not being able to find someone in the future ... I'd be most concerned with the present.

Best of luck!!!

Re: Divorced Ladies

Posted by Wendy

If he has been abusive in "ALL WAYS" - get out!

It sounds like your parents are behind you and I wouldn't even be thinking about not being able to find someone in the future ... I'd be most concerned with the present.

Best of luck!!!

Re: Divorced Ladies

Just wanted to give you some

Re: Divorced Ladies

First of all I'm sorry you are going through this.

I have not been there, I am not divorced, and hope that I never have to be but I am going to offer my advice anyway.

How long have you been married? You say you "almost" regret getting married to him... so you don't feel it was a total mistake?

Although it doesn't sound like it, if you feel there is anything in this marriage that makes it worth saving (is there ANY love left?), then you owe it to the VOWS you took to at least try counseling. You also owe it to the child of this marriage to at least TRY. If he is being physically abusive to you, then you should get out from living with him first and then consider if counseling is even a possibility.

As for getting the courage to leave him, the other ladies can give you much better advice than I can. All I can say is that I agree that there will never be a perfect time.

Good luck.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I hope you find the Strength for you & your son to move on have have Peace in your lives

Re: Divorced Ladies

If there is abuse in the relationship, I would say you need to leave now. Don't wait for him to "give" you a divorce - you give him one!
by abusing you in any way, he's taking your power from you - don't give him any more of it!
Especially if there is a newborn involved!!

Re: Divorced Ladies

I think if he is abusive in every way you need to leave, not only for your sake but for your baby's safety. I am divorced (now remarried) as well and it took me a long time to get the courage to leave. We had been together for 7 years. I didn't know it when I married him but he had a substance abuse problem. After 2 years of begging him to get help, worrying about him when he was gone into all hours of the night. Thinking the cops would knock on my door and tell me he was dead from an OD, I couldn't take it anymore. He was a master manipulator into having everyone believe, including myself and his parents that he was clean and then I would start to find the evidence. One day when I was away on business I checked our bank and money was gone and that was it for me. It was the straw that broke the camels back. I tried for 2 years to get him help and he didn't want it so I came home and told him to pack his bags and go. It was hard because we had just bought a house and I didn't want to uproot and change my whole life. But it was the best decision I ever made. At the time I felt like I would never find someone and be happy again. But I did and everyone does.

If it is possible to go to your parent's house I would do it right away. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I am not divorced, but I had to get myself out of a longterm abusive relationship. I was with my ex for 5 yrs. We lived together for 4 of those yrs. He was verbally and physically abusive for a large portion of the time. I know that it feels like you may never find anyone else, but that is part of the abuse. It is about keeping you in such a low place that you feel as if you aren't worthy of anything better, but you are!!! You have to learn to love and value yourself and in an abusive environment that can't be accomplished. As far as the future, there are no guarantees, but I found that finding peace within myself gave me a happiness that no other person could. In turn I think it allowed me to open myself up to what true love can be.

Good Luck!!!!

Re: Divorced Ladies

I am not divorced but my mother went through a divorce and left my dad while she was a SAHM to two kids and no family support. She said it was the best decision she ever made. She went back to nursing and now makes a lot of money in administration and she met my stepdad in a parents without partners group. Actually all of there friends are couples who met in that group.

There are tons of ways to meet new people...the most important thing is to get out of this. Hopefully your family will be there to help you get on your feet. Just think about how much better off your child will be.

Good luck.

Re: Divorced Ladies

Best of Luck with your decision.

Re: Divorced Ladies

Good Luck!

Re: Divorced Ladies

I got divorced from my ex many years ago. He was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. I gave him an ultimatum...counseling and/or treatment by a certain date or I was leaving. When he wouldn't do it, I up and left over the weekend. I found an apartment and moved into it within a week. I totally started from scratch. And, BTW, he ran up one of MY credit cards after I left as a revenge thing. I was not in a good financial situation at the time, but I wouldn't change a thing now.
I don't have children, I did what I did for me.
You have a baby, you really need to think about him too. You have to make the decision and just go...no looking back. If you are this unhappy, it's not going to get better.
Either get counseling or get out. It sounds like you have your parents behind you and also you say you aren't worried financially so do something...before it gets really bad.

Re: Divorced Ladies

You need to do what is right for you, and your baby. My mother and father are divorced and while my mom hurt for many years, she knows it was the best thing to do. Her and my step-father are so much more compatible, and she is so much happier now than she was with my father (at least from what i've heard - i was only four when they divorced...)

Best of luck with your decision

Re: Divorced Ladies

first....

i was in a miserable marriage before too....
for me, all it boiled down to is this:

"better to be divorced and happy, then married and miserable!"

abusive in all ways = NOW is the time to leave. do NOT wait another day. GO. and don't look back. ONLY look forward to a HAPPY future for you and your child! it's especially important to act now, before your child is old enough to experience the dysfunction of your "marriage", and grow up believing that this type of relationship is normal. he/she would only repeat the cycle.

i hope and pray everything works out for you.