Can I have some advice?

WARNING...this is long drawn out family drama...
I dont usually like to post things that are too personal, but I am in a real bind here. My sister is 18 and lives with my mother (who is totally unfit to be a parent). Anyway, it turns out they had a big fight and my sister was thrown out of the house. Now, my dad who lives in queens wants my sister to move in with him. He has room for her, and would love for her to live there. (He also is not a great parent, and his wife is hard to put up with). Anyway...my sister WANTS VERY MUCH to live with me and DH. We live close to her job and friends and college. But, we have a tiny condo, and even though we have a second bedroom it is so small and we really cant fit her. She is so angry with me, because I am the best solution to her dilemma and I am leaning towards saying no. My DH is so sweet and says she can stay, but I also think it is unfair to him and to us as a married couple. I know she would be happiest here. What am I to do? I am full of guilt on this one!

Re: Can I have some advice?

I dont think my husband would let me do that

Re: Can I have some advice?

I think your DH is a sweetheart for even contemplating the idea of her living with you, but to be honest I think her moving in with you should only be a short term solution.

Re: Can I have some advice?

you are newly married and need your privacy. Your sister needs to understand your situation also. If the solution is to live with your father until she is the legal age then she should becuase now it would be a burden for you and your dh. An alternative is to tell her she can stay one week a month if she would like but cannot live there permanently this way you have your alone time with our husband.

Re: Can I have some advice?

my husband would tell me to let her stay. We are debating either building on our home or buying a bigger one in order for my grandmother to come live with us.


IMO, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the ones you love, and if it were my sister needing somewhere to stay, I'd be all for it especially if her mental/emotional health was in jeopardy in other living situations.

Good Luck!

Re: Can I have some advice?

is your sister trouble? Is she respectful?

I would let anyone of my sisters live with me at any time. She has a raw deal of unfit parents, and if you are able to take her in, I would.

I would make sure she knows that work/school is a must, I would make sure she knows to pitch in with housework. I would also charge her rent, even if you just keep it in a secret savings account for her.

I know this is a tough situation, but if she is a good person, I would hate for her to turn a cold shoulder to the world and feel unwanted. Good Luck

Re: Can I have some advice?

If my DH said ok, I think I would let my sister stay with us. (I have a 19 yr old sister). As much as I would totally think it would intrude on our newlywed / personal time, at that age they are so impressionable and if I could do something to help her out in life and guide her on the right path I would.

Re: Can I have some advice?

Can your sister live in a dorm? You mention that she's in college - and then your condo could be her home away from home

Good luck!

Re: Can I have some advice?

Aww Christy! I can only imagine how torn you must feel. Knowing how little space you have, I don't think it is a good idea to let her permanently live with you. If it was a house, or even a two-story townhouse, it would be more room, but you will all be on top of each other! Plus you and DH will have no privacy--the bedrooms are tiny and walls are thin (believe me--we hear EVERYTHING THE WOMAN UPSTAIRS DOES!!). The good news is that at 18 she doesn't need as much parenting--can she just treat your dad's as a place to crash? Can she live in the dorms during the year? Good luck! FM me if you ever want to meet at the pool!

Re: Can I have some advice?

I would definitely let my sister stay with me under one condition...that you two set a time limit as to how long she stays and she must stick to it.

Your husband is a saint for saying yes so easily.

Your sister needs you now...be there for her.

Good Luck

Re: Can I have some advice?

I'm sorry Christy!!!
I've seen you place, so I can honestly say that I dont' really think there is room for her to stay there and have all of you live comfortably.
It's also not your responsibility to take care of a sibling if there is a parent who is capable of doing so.
Yes, it would be wonderful for her to be closer to her friends, etc., but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your life to make her's easier.
She will probably be angry with you for the decision if you don't allow her to live there....but I think it's the best choice for the famliy. I know I would not be able to deal with living with a sibling at this age, in close quarters.
Good Luck!!

Re: Can I have some advice?

My husband would also want my sister to stay, and honestly, unless she was trouble or disrespectful, I wouldn't even hesitate to let her stay. I would just lay down some ground rules for her, and let her know that it's not a "forever" thing.

Good luck

Re: Can I have some advice?

Thanks for all the feedback. You guys are terrific. My sister is registered to go to school at Suffolk community. However, she does not have a car. So, if she lives with me I would have to get one for her. If she lives with my dad she can take public transportation to Queens college (again, a change she doesnt want to make). She said if my dad lived in suffolk she would have moved in years ago with him. I am still on the fence, I would love to take her in if I had more room. I have basically been her "mother" for years. I am always there for her, but this is a huge committment.
In answer to other questions, she is not a trouble maker at all. She has no sense of responsibility. She works very part time hours, and has no problem taking off work to hang with friends. Also, my mother gave her no boundaries, so she is used to coming and going as she pleases. (This would not be the case if she lived with me. I am very strict when it comes to her). I need to sit down with DH again and talk this out. You guys are great! Thanks again!

Re: Can I have some advice?

I hope something works out for everyone! If I were in your situation, I would NOT hesitate in having my brother come live with me (no sisters here)... I do not look at it as being a "sacrifice" when helping out a family member, especially one as close as a sibling. JMO!

I would NOT get her a car though - if your dad or mom are okay in her living with you, they should get her the car to travel to/from work/school.

This is a tough situation and I hope something is resolved soon! Good luck!

Re: Can I have some advice?

Personally, I would let me sister move in, but day ONE would be putting a plan in motion to get her on her own feet. Even at 18. I would help her find a reliable, cheap car, pay her own insurance and have her work more and save money to move out. And lay the ground rules and tell her, "If you want to stay until you get it together, then this is how it's going to be, if not, then you have to go to dad's."

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I hope all turns out ok for all of you

Re: Can I have some advice?

If your sister is 18, why doesn't she go to college and live in a dorm?

I think having her live with you might create too much stress and end up being worse in the end if you have to tell her to leave.

Maybe give her a specific time frame that she could stay with you? Maybe 3 months?

Re: Can I have some advice?

Re: Can I have some advice?

If you needed a place to stay wouldn't you want someone to help you out???Do you think she would help you if you needed....she is your sister and you should really give it a chance

Re: Can I have some advice?

I think that since your sister is in a bind at this moment I think that maybe she should stay w/ you temporarily until she either makes up with your mom or maybe gets situated with your dad. It's not an easy situation to be in...she is your sister and you should her but to have her there with you long term may in the long run cause problems in your marriage. Good luck & keep us posted. Hopefully everything turns out for the better!

Re: Can I have some advice?

Well she is staying with me for now...I think within 2 weeks she will be with my dad (possibly). There is no way either of my parents will help her get a car. So, I am still debating this. As for college, she didnt do well enough to go away to school. Dorms would be nice, but it isnt an option. So far, she is not enjoying my rules. This is very stressful. She wants to be out all night with her boyfriend and friends and I am not okay with it. My stomach has been sick for days.

Re: Can I have some advice?

sorry to hear Christy! I'd be debating getting her a car also. That's a big responsibility and a major financial burden. You said she works very PT hours-how can she afford it?

If she were to go to Suffolk, she can inquire about off campus housing. Also SUNY STony Brook has an off-campus housing website where she could find a room-mate situation that might work out better for her.

Re: Can I have some advice?

Re: Can I have some advice?

I would probably let her move in, I have a hard time saying no to anyone I love. BUT i would set a timeframe, such as a year max...., she would have plenty of time to get a REAL job and make money , save up for her own apt. There is no reason she cant. My foster sister moved out at 18 and made it on her own working in delis...not the best paying job but it worked...She got a car after about 4 months of hard work.

She can take the bus to school or take a year off till she gets a car and can go at night....

Re: Can I have some advice?

I have a question, what was her plan for getting back and forth to school BEFORE your mom kicked her out of the house? Living on LI, it's pretty essential to have a car. How does she get back and forth to work?
In anycase, you are a good sister!