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robynfs
12/6/10!!
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Having another baby when you are not sure!
Has anyone had a second, third, fourth baby when they were unsure if they want or can handle another without losing their mind?
My DH desperately wants a 3rd (always has) and I am really happy with our family as is. I see the benefits of having a larger family, however being Type A and my current kids (2 & 3.5) finally being a little more independent, the thought of starting all over and making things work with 3 is frightening. We are fortunate enough to have adequate support and financial means, so it's really for me about being pregnant (I hate), balancing 3, and going through all things baby again. I also worry about my older two and sacraficing time with them, which I had trememdous guilt when I had my second.
I am leaning towards just jumping in and going for it, however I am interested in hearing about other experiences. Thanks for reading, I'm finding this to be one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.
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Posted 7/1/14 1:52 PM  |
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Bellaocchi
Hope Faith Love
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
It certainly is a huge decision and not a light one to make. Have you expressed all of these concerns to DH and he still keeps pressing for one more? It sounds to me like you know the answer. That you are fine with your two. You sound like a woman that knows what she wants. I would stick with your gut feeling. 
I too have been on the fence about having another. Everyone's situations are not the same. For us, we started later. We married when I was 32 and had a baby 4 years later.
I keep going back and forth with the pros and cons. I am cautious with my decisions and want to be sure we can handle another too. At this point in our lives, it would not be a smart decision. If some things were to change in a matter of a year, MAYBE. However, it's a huge maybe. Good luck with your decision. 
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:02 PM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
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..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
All I can say is do NOT do it unless YOU are ready.
That is not a decision to be pressured into by anyone.
I waited almost 10 years into my marriage to even entertain the thought of a child and to be honest, THANK GOD I did because if I had done it with even a little doubt, I would have been miserable.
DH wanted to start sooner but I'm sorry, both parties need to be on the same page for a decision like that.
Message edited 7/1/2014 2:06:43 PM.
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:05 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
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Marisa
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
it really depens on the person, the family, the finances EVERTHING.
For ME, personally - No. I wouldn't have another (I have 2) - regardless of circumstances, I wouldn't have another, end of story. I am THAT sure about it.
But, I (and DH also) am not the 'everything happens for a reason, everything will work out, just jump in and ride the wave' type of person ........
I love my boys, I'm grateful every single day for them - but I don't want any more.
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:07 PM |
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robynfs
12/6/10!!
Member since 9/05 4947 total posts
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Thank you both for your responses!
The problem is that I am 38 and DH 45, it needs to be this summer (timeline we created), so I don't have the luxury of waiting until it feels right.
The other issue, which is my own personal issue is that I am a pleaser, DH is so emotionally invested in having a 3rd. He understands my reservations, and has a solution for each concern....he's a problem solver. I don't want him to always feel regret that we didn't have 3, or even a sense of resentment. He says he wouldn't but I know how important this is to him so how can he not. I don't know if I would ever feel ok about not adding to our family only because of pregnancy and an infant stage that are both temporary and a fear that would mostly likely resolve itself.
I know I need to do what's best for me, and he will have to learn to live with it and get over it. I know this intellectually, however I can't seem to say yes or no.
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:15 PM |
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robynfs
12/6/10!!
Member since 9/05 4947 total posts
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by MarisaK
it really depens on the person, the family, the finances EVERTHING.
See that's the thing. We are very fortunate that DH is able to provide everything and anything I can possibly need or want. So who am I to complain about how hard it would be balancing 3, when I can have as much help and support as I need, and do whatever it takes to make it work. I feel like a spoiled brat with no excuse.
Thanks for listening girls. I try not to speak to friends too much about this, for reasons you can imagine, and I just needed that outside perspective.
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:24 PM |
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Teachergal
We made a snowman!
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Does your DH share equal responsibility for the kids- meaning feed them, clothe them, change them, play with them, stay up with them when they are sick, etc. Because to me, that would make a huge difference.
I will say this, after I had DS I said "One and done." He was sick all the time as a baby and it was a hard first year. I was fine with 1 until he was 3 and then suddenly, I realized that I wanted another. Luckily, DH was also on the same page as me. So we went for it. I am glad that I was ready and open to another though because (as you know) 2 is much more to handle than 1! My advice would be not to go for another if you are really against it or don't want another, even if DH really wants it. I feel like your answer to my question above would also sway my answer. Is it possible the timeline is stressing you out? Any chance you could put that on hold to allow yourself more time to think about it?
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:27 PM |
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robynfs
12/6/10!!
Member since 9/05 4947 total posts
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by Teachergal
Does your DH share equal responsibility for the kids- meaning feed them, clothe them, change them, play with them, stay up with them when they are sick, etc. Because to me, that would make a huge difference.
I will say this, after I had DS I said "One and done." He was sick all the time as a baby and it was a hard first year. I was fine with 1 until he was 3 and then suddenly, I realized that I wanted another. Luckily, DH was also on the same page as me. So we went for it. I am glad that I was ready and open to another though because (as you know) 2 is much more to handle than 1! My advice would be not to go for another if you are really against it or don't want another, even if DH really wants it. I feel like your answer to my question above would also sway my answer. Is it possible the timeline is stressing you out? Any chance you could put that on hold to allow yourself more time to think about it?
You hit the nail on the head there too! The answer is NO! He has a very demanding career. He basically works, eats dinner and spends time with me and the kids till bedtime (an hour or two) and then into his home office or even work office to work another couple of hours. I do it all, I am in charge and I work full time because I want to. He will do whatever I ask him to do, but I have to ask. In his defense, I am a control freak so I would likely be in charge even if he was more of a 50/50 parent...but that's just not our balance.
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:38 PM |
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petvet
LIF Adult
Member since 5/08 1238 total posts
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Meredith
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
No advice but lots of hugs because we are going through the same thing with going from 1-2. Its exhausting being so indecisive! I have never been so undecided in my life especially over "big" decisions. The only difference with us is that I'm still pretty sure we want 2 but I seem to never feel "ready". My DH has been ready since DS turned 1. That makes me start to wonder if I really just want one and done or if I'm just so apprehensive about everything its clouding my judgement. I wish I had someone else to just tell me what to do damn it haha.
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| Posted 7/1/14 2:56 PM |
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NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by robynfs
The problem is that I am 38 and DH 45, it needs to be this summer (timeline we created), so I don't have the luxury of waiting until it feels right.
This is a self-inflicted timeline and somewhat arbitrary. To me, it doesn't sound like you have to decide by this summer, but that you feel pressure to decide. If you're not ready for another child, you shouldn't jump into it. Maybe in the winter you'll change your mind. What's an extra 6 months? Or maybe you won't, and then you're in a better position than if you jumped into getting pg when you weren't ready.
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| Posted 7/1/14 3:04 PM |
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
My opinion, if you are on the fence, have it. Down the road in 20 years, your never going to look at your child and say I really regretted having you! You might say, I wish I had another. I was on the fence and the smile my DD brings to my face is amazing!
Is it hard at first, yes, but it gets easier. My first two were 5 and 3.5 when my third came along.
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| Posted 7/1/14 3:38 PM |
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by robynfs
Posted by Teachergal
Does your DH share equal responsibility for the kids- meaning feed them, clothe them, change them, play with them, stay up with them when they are sick, etc. Because to me, that would make a huge difference.
I will say this, after I had DS I said "One and done." He was sick all the time as a baby and it was a hard first year. I was fine with 1 until he was 3 and then suddenly, I realized that I wanted another. Luckily, DH was also on the same page as me. So we went for it. I am glad that I was ready and open to another though because (as you know) 2 is much more to handle than 1! My advice would be not to go for another if you are really against it or don't want another, even if DH really wants it. I feel like your answer to my question above would also sway my answer. Is it possible the timeline is stressing you out? Any chance you could put that on hold to allow yourself more time to think about it?
You hit the nail on the head there too! The answer is NO! He has a very demanding career. He basically works, eats dinner and spends time with me and the kids till bedtime (an hour or two) and then into his home office or even work office to work another couple of hours. I do it all, I am in charge and I work full time because I want to. He will do whatever I ask him to do, but I have to ask. In his defense, I am a control freak so I would likely be in charge even if he was more of a 50/50 parent...but that's just not our balance.
This is my house too, but I am OK with that and I am a SAHM so I don't know if that makes it easier or not. DH does spend time on the weekends with us. He has been coming home for the last 3 weeks around 9pm. It is what it is. I manage and it works out. My kids are not 3, 7, 8 and the older 2 are in school full time.
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| Posted 7/1/14 3:41 PM |
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angnick
Life is So Wonderful!
Member since 8/06 6663 total posts
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Angela
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by JerseyMamaOf3
My opinion, if you are on the fence, have it. Down the road in 20 years, your never going to look at your child and say I really regretted having you! You might say, I wish I had another. I was on the fence and the smile my DD brings to my face is amazing!
Is it hard at first, yes, but it gets easier. My first two were 5 and 3.5 when my third came along.
I agree with this.
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| Posted 7/1/14 3:41 PM |
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Eireann
Two ladies and a gentleman!
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
I always wanted three (or even 4!), but my DH really preferred only two. I convinced him and our three are now 8, 7, and 3. My DH frequently says he's so happy we had the one more (and after  , we had  --although he still wanted to stop after the girls regardless of gender).
Like you, our first two are 1.5 years apart, so when #3 came along 3.5 yrs after that it was nice to get to do it all one more time and we are able to appreciate him in a way we couldn't with the girls. At the same time, it was difficult going back to a baby again, since at 3.5 our younger DD was finally pretty self-sufficient--so we were "stuck" for a while and I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes fantasize about my life with only two. But as they say, the days may be long, but the years are short--and here we are with our son now 3.5 and we're moving forward as a family again.
My DH says he wouldn't have it any other way 
Good luck with your decision!
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| Posted 7/1/14 3:57 PM |
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allIwant
Love my crazy life!
Member since 1/10 9170 total posts
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
We were unsure about having a 3rd. Finances were holding us back mostly. We were going to wait until the twins were older (4) to make our decision and then when they were 18 months old , one too many drinks one night and Bam I was pregnant (infertility issues first time around)
I was upset when I first found out. Guilty feelings over everything.
I wouldn't change a thing . Yes it is crazy and sometimes I'm stressed out but I love that they are all so close in age. I will get out of the baby stage quicker etc. financially the next 2 years will be tough until the twins go to kindergarten but we will make it work.
It sounds like help and finances are not an issue for you. If I could afford a cleaning lady and maybe a sitter for a few hours a week to either go to the gym or go out with dh at night my life would be perfect
Good luck with your decision!!!
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| Posted 7/1/14 4:03 PM |
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Lauren82
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 4580 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by angnick
Posted by JerseyMamaOf3
My opinion, if you are on the fence, have it. Down the road in 20 years, your never going to look at your child and say I really regretted having you! You might say, I wish I had another. I was on the fence and the smile my DD brings to my face is amazing!
Is it hard at first, yes, but it gets easier. My first two were 5 and 3.5 when my third came along.
I agree with this.
I agree also...I'm on the fence about a fourth, and I know it might make me nutty, but I'll never regret it.
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| Posted 7/1/14 5:14 PM |
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MrsG823
Just call me Mommy.
Member since 1/11 5570 total posts
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S
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Having another baby when you are not sure!
I would not jump in unless I was 100% sure it is what I wanted.
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| Posted 7/1/14 9:31 PM |
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Hopefulmama
LIF Adult
Member since 4/14 1014 total posts
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
I agree with the pp who said if you are on the fence, go for it. You'll never regret it, especially is finances are good. I'm ttc no. 4 mainly because I know that even though life is crazy, I will regret it down the line if I don't go for it. People nowadays tend to overthink things...not that having a baby isn't an enormous decision...but I think today everyone is consumed about the "perfect" timing, having the finances for the right camps, preschools, toys etc. kids are more low maintenance than we give them credit for. And The more kids you have, the easier it is to throw more in the mix. As my husbands Irish grandma (mother of 6) used to say - "the second is twice as hard as the first. Any after that are no different." Good luck!
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| Posted 7/1/14 11:10 PM |
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KatiNoE
LIF Adolescent
Member since 8/11 702 total posts
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Kati
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by angnick
Posted by JerseyMamaOf3
My opinion, if you are on the fence, have it. Down the road in 20 years, your never going to look at your child and say I really regretted having you! You might say, I wish I had another. I was on the fence and the smile my DD brings to my face is amazing!
Is it hard at first, yes, but it gets easier. My first two were 5 and 3.5 when my third came along.
I agree with this.
This is what I was thinking as well. If you have the support and financial means I don't think you would ever regret having another. They will just bring more love and joy to your family.
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| Posted 7/2/14 11:24 AM |
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FergieK
Loving my girls
Member since 7/09 2533 total posts
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Fergie
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
i always thought I would have two kids but i got married late and then had IF issues. When we had my first I went to the RE and he said come back when baby is 6 mo to talk about #2. That scared me and I thought even at my (40) when DD1 was born i had a timeline. We had just got down a good routine and I felt comfortable with my family of 3. Then I felt the bug and then selfish for not wanting to change my life from the way it was. I decided to go for it due to my age and if it worked it was meant to be. Now I have 2 great DD and i wouldnt change a thing. (other than more sleep) LOL
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| Posted 7/2/14 11:24 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
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Marisa
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by robynfs
Posted by MarisaK
it really depens on the person, the family, the finances EVERTHING.
See that's the thing. We are very fortunate that DH is able to provide everything and anything I can possibly need or want. So who am I to complain about how hard it would be balancing 3, when I can have as much help and support as I need, and do whatever it takes to make it work. I feel like a spoiled brat with no excuse.
Thanks for listening girls. I try not to speak to friends too much about this, for reasons you can imagine, and I just needed that outside perspective.
NO WAY !!! Do NOT feel that way.
I can afford to stay home and play tennins .....but I get on a train and go to work! And I don't have to explain my choice to anyone .......
We could afford to have more children, sure........but we don't want more. Why would I settle to just 'make it work?" ........if it makes me unhappy?
Who cares how much help you can hire? At the end of the day, those children are still yours, your responsibility, your time, energy, etc etc.
Just b/c you CAN, technically do something, doesn't mean it's best for you or your family - doesn't mean it's going to make you happy. and you should absolutely never have a child b/c you feel guilty, or think it's the 'right thing to do' or like you 'should' .....You should do it b/c it's what you WANT for your life and your husband and your current children -
And I hate when people say "Oh you'll never regret having that child ........." or "Just go for it, it will all work out in the end" ........ WHAT? How does ANYONE know what someone will or will not feel? or what 20 years will bring? Being a parent is NOT easy - What kind of bubble do you live in that you think no child has ever been told "I wish youi were never born" ....(I'm not at ALL saying that the OP would say/feel that way .......I'm just making a point that MANY MANY MANY women who have babied DO regret it, and DO end up leaving them, abusing, them etc ........)
and many marriages fall apart b/c of the stress of being parents ..........
It's not selfish to want to concentrate on your family as is, to put all of your energy into the 1 or 2 or however many children you currently have, and make the choice not to have any more. And you're not a spoiled brat !!!
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| Posted 7/2/14 12:33 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by robynfs
Thank you both for your responses!
The problem is that I am 38 and DH 45, it needs to be this summer (timeline we created), so I don't have the luxury of waiting until it feels right.
The other issue, which is my own personal issue is that I am a pleaser, DH is so emotionally invested in having a 3rd. He understands my reservations, and has a solution for each concern....he's a problem solver. I don't want him to always feel regret that we didn't have 3, or even a sense of resentment. He says he wouldn't but I know how important this is to him so how can he not. I don't know if I would ever feel ok about not adding to our family only because of pregnancy and an infant stage that are both temporary and a fear that would mostly likely resolve itself.
I know I need to do what's best for me, and he will have to learn to live with it and get over it. I know this intellectually, however I can't seem to say yes or no.
If the only thing that's holding you back is that you don't like being PG or dealing w/ an infant - and that is really the ONLY thing, then I would vote for you to have the 3rd.
That discomfort and stress is such a SHORT period of time in the grand scheme of a person's life .........
For me it's not about pregnancy, or the baby stage - it's EVERYTHING else for the rest of their lives  which is why I am so sure I am done.
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| Posted 7/2/14 12:40 PM |
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Lucky09
2017!
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DW
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by MarisaK
For me it's not about pregnancy, or the baby stage - it's EVERYTHING else for the rest of their lives which is why I am so sure I am done.
See, this is me too! I would be pregnant and have a baby again in a second, but it's everything that follows when they are 2,3,4,5,6,... that makes me totally unsure about a 3rd, especially in my late 30s.
I do think that since most of the "work" falls on you, that it should really be your decision. I do think people can have regrets about their children and the way they affected their lives (my DH is a prime example of this).
Good luck, it isn't easy and I have been struggling myself for quite some time!
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| Posted 7/2/14 2:09 PM |
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Katareen
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Katherine
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by MarisaK
And I hate when people say "Oh you'll never regret having that child ........." or "Just go for it, it will all work out in the end" ........ WHAT? How does ANYONE know what someone will or will not feel? or what 20 years will bring? Being a parent is NOT easy - What kind of bubble do you live in that you think no child has ever been told "I wish youi were never born" ....(I'm not at ALL saying that the OP would say/feel that way .......I'm just making a point that MANY MANY MANY women who have babied DO regret it, and DO end up leaving them, abusing, them etc ........)
and many marriages fall apart b/c of the stress of being parents ..........
Thank you for saying this because I see this on here ALL the time and yes, we all do love our children but one more child could spread a person too thin...could break up a marriage...could cause a huge amount of family turmoil. So telling people you barely know they won't regret another child is irresponsible.
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| Posted 7/2/14 2:20 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
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Re: Having another baby when you are not sure!
Posted by robynfs
Thank you both for your responses!
The problem is that I am 38 and DH 45, it needs to be this summer (timeline we created), so I don't have the luxury of waiting until it feels right.
The other issue, which is my own personal issue is that I am a pleaser, DH is so emotionally invested in having a 3rd. He understands my reservations, and has a solution for each concern....he's a problem solver. I don't want him to always feel regret that we didn't have 3, or even a sense of resentment. He says he wouldn't but I know how important this is to him so how can he not. I don't know if I would ever feel ok about not adding to our family only because of pregnancy and an infant stage that are both temporary and a fear that would mostly likely resolve itself.
I know I need to do what's best for me, and he will have to learn to live with it and get over it. I know this intellectually, however I can't seem to say yes or no.
It sounds like you are putting his feelings and needs above yours, making him much more important than you. You are allowed to NOT be a people pleaser. You are allowed to please yourself.
You both have to be on the same page. I hate to see ANY mom say "well, ill just do it to make HIM happy".
YOU are allowed to be happy too.
YOU are allowed to be in on the decision too.
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| Posted 7/2/14 2:25 PM |
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