If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Lately DD is up alot at night (once for a feeding still at 5.5 months and other random wakings/crying). My DH doesn't want to ever get up with her. He says he can't do it as well as I can because he has trouble getting the baby back to sleep as easily as I do (true). Even though we both work full-time, he says he is more tired bc his job is more physically demanding (construction) than mine (desk job).

On the rare occasion that he does reluctantly (usually after an argument) agree to do it for a night so I can get a "break", he's huffing and puffing the whole time, the baby is crying more than usual, she ends up being awake for an hour instead of going right back down after the bottle so it's hard for me to sleep through all of that. His response "if you're gonna be up the whole time, why can't you just do it? I'm tired" I don't want to be up the whole time, but it's pretty difficult not to be.

I know he has old fashion values and thinks I'm her mom so I should be the one to do it. He'll say things like "yea, i'm sure you're dad had to wake up at night to take care of the baby". To which I respond, "I'm sure your mom had to work full time and contribute financially to the household." It's a constant battle.

Should I just give up on expecting him to help out at night?

Message edited 8/2/2013 8:35:27 AM.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

He absolutely helps... its not an option. We are both tired... INITIALLY he was kinda slow... so as hard as it was for me to sleep through the tears I had to... I needed for him to be on his "a" game - just like I would do in the middle of the night... took about 2 weeks and then we got a routine of alternating the nights...more or less

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

We took turns.
We have the same job.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

DH helped on the weekends. He was the one that got up so I could sleep. During the week, even though I was working, I got up. DH needs way more sleep to survive than I do. I'm always tired but can function on 4 hours of sleep.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

no matter how wonderful and helpful a husband is, more will always fall on the mother. that being said i would not just give up on him helping at night if you will resent him when he doesn't. in my relationship what i need to do is show dh exactly what to do. and not in a snotty bossy way, but in a helpful and thoughtful way.
my dh had a hard time putting dd down for a nap in the afternoon times i wanted to run out and do things. so i had to actually go through the steps and show him exactly what i do. it gave him the power and confidence he needed to work through it

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

You're right, your DH's thinking is pretty old-fashioned! When my DD was still waking for a night feeding, my DH couldn't really help because I was EBF, but he would get up anyway and lay on the floor of the nursery. At first I would tell him he was being ridiculous, but then I started to like having the company.
Anyway, I agree with you. Parenting is a two-person job and my DH and I try to split those responsibilities pretty equally.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

For DS 1 - we both did it because he was up a lot and it was too much for one person to handle.

Now - I get up with both boys when they wake up since DH doesn't hear them usually.

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

DH actually helped me get started, being that DD is my first and DH's 2nd, he had more experience. So now we alternate nights, which makes a huge difference. Don't get me wrong I still wake up when it is his night and vice versa, but ultimately we fall back asleep. So alternating nights does help.

I think you should talk to DH and help him realize that you guys are in it together and that he needs to be more hands on. Because if he isn't then he will regret because he will never get these years back. GL

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Absolutely. I didn't decide to have a child by myself. We took turns, so one night was mine and he didn't have to get up and the next night I got to sleep while he took care of her for the night. Your DH needs to understand it's not about the mom vs dad role. It's about being your partner in raising your DC.

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

I lucked out when I had DD, her birth fell exactly on the 12 week mark for the end of the school year(I work in a school.) So I've been off from work since 3/30 and will be until September. Anyways, with that said, I will let DH sleep during the week since he does work. When it comes to Friday and Saturday night feedings, DH will do them.

When September comes around, I'm hoping we will be taking turns. However, :knock on wood: DD has been STTN lately so we might luck out that we won't have those night feedings anymore.

Try and get DH to agree to take turns. The responsibility of your baby shouldn't just be on your shoulders. Hope everything works out.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

No

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

i did ALL the feedings/wakings up until 3 months old bc dd is breast fed and up until that point i was on maternity leave.

when i returned to work (dd was 13 weeks old) i told him i would need his help and he agreed. but we had the same issue - it took him twice as long to get dd back to sleep and i was up the entire time too so he would make comments occasionally but he still did it (we alternated every other night). most of the nights i had to wake him up bc he can sleep through the crying but he would eventually get up. there were weeks i would do 4 week nights and only wake hime once just bc i didnt want to hear it.

it was exhausting for us both (me more-so than him bc he had no trouble getting back to sleep where as i would be up for 30 minutes after dd was sleeping) and so last week (dd was 5 months and 1 week old) we did CIO. it was a LONG three nights but ever since shes been sleeping from 7pm - 5:30 am. at 5:30 she wakes for a feeding and goes right back down til around 7am. my next step is to get her off that feeding too but im going to wait a week or two before doing CIO for that one.

i dont think you should give up on DH - he should be helping. my argument to my DH was well if youre not going to help me during the night then i cant go back to work bc i cannot function. bc of finances that is not an option for us and it made him more willing to get up.

Message edited 8/2/2013 9:24:50 AM.

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Yes. We take turns. We both have jobs during the day, so baby and household responsibilities are shared. The stereotype that it's the mom's "job" makes me so angry when you're dealing with a working mom. IMO, if your DH wants things any differently he needs to start making enough money for you to be a SAHM, assuming that money is the reason you aren't one.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

uhh yea that would be a big fat NO....

Looking forward to doing it all over again in a few months...NOT

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

fh wanted to help with feedings when she was younger but I felt it was so much easier for me to just nurse. when we decided to give cio a go he helped with that.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

I guess you can say he helps. When DS cries DH does his zombie walk over to the crib and bring DS to me for nursing. I think he does that so he doesn't have to hear him cry. LOL

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

DH absolutely helped. When DS was an infant DH was teaching a few days/week. The days he had to work, I did the feedings the night before, and days he was off he did the feedings at night. Him not helping wasn't even something I thought would come up.

If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

Yep. We have a system. If there is a wake up for a bottle prior to 3am he does it, after 3am I do it. He leaves earlier for work than I.

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

I could have written your post 5 years ago. I was a FTWM for 2 years. DD wasn't waking for feedings anymore at night. But DH has an old fashioned view of things. I am. SAHM now. Everything has always fallen on me.

Looking back to those times when I worked, he always had an excuse. He got up earlier, he worked harder (construction), he wasn't as good at it. So I gave up. I regret it now.

He does a TON around the house. So he helps me there. But the kids are just about all me, until they got a little older. Don't give up.

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

DS is a good sleeper and has not had middle of the night feedings since he was 7/8 weeks old.

When I was on maternity leave after he went back to work I did 6 nights a week, he gave me a break 1 wknd night of my choice. (before that we both got up cause I could barely walk after my C-section and had a hard time getting out of bed).

Now we both do it. I just have to hit him cause he does not hear him and I am a light sleeper and hear everything!

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

My husband is fantastic. He does a lot of things that aren't traditional men/father responsibilities...he food shops, cooks dinner, gives my son nightly baths, cleans the house. He does this in addition to the man-things, like mowing the lawn and taking out the trash.

He does a LOT. But the one thing he doesn't do is get up with the kids at night, especially when they were/are babies. That's my job. I'm better at it. I have more patience. I can fall back to sleep more easily.

When baby #2 came along, I knew not to expect him to get up. It's all on me. Now that I expect it, it doesn't bother me. I've learned to let it go.

Besides, I came to treasure the extra time we spent together at night. Just me and my baby, who needed me. I rocked, held, coo-ed and sang to my little one, and soothed them back to sleep. Sometimes I fell asleep too, holding them close to my heart.

I could say "let it go and get over it". That worked for us. I have no resentment toward my husband, because I have no expectation that he'll get up. However, I KNOW that doesn't work for everyone. You have to find what works best for your family.

Message edited 8/2/2013 10:20:49 AM.

Re: If you're a FTWM, does DH help with night-time feedings and wakings?

yes, we switch nights, every other. DD wakes only once, sometimes not at all (between 3-5am)

we both work FT, we both share in all child care.