My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

This isn't meant to stir up drama, so please try, try, try to remember this comes with the best intentions.

I lurk on almost every board - including boards I have no business being on (IF, Childless, etc). When they created the board, I assumed there would be some drama because when people have been questioned to death about their choices, they tend to have negative feelings about the choices they didn't choose. The need to justify is great when dealing with judgmental people (not just talking about childless families, speaking in generallities).

I see many posts that question things about parenting, fears of being a parent, worries about the changes in their lives if they did have a child. The compulsion I have to try to be helpful to those posters is huge. But, I try to remember that it is a haven for those posters that are childless to talk amongst themselves.

That means I don't post there. I don't reassure posters that they will have a sex life after having a child (or ok, a few years after having one) or that they will have an amazing sense of triumph as they learn that they can be a mom & have a sense of themselves. I want to but it's not the place for that.

Parents reassuring the Childless Families board of the wonders of having a child isn't the point of that board. There are many women that aren't there by choice (remember the name of the board was Childless by Choice until they changed it). It's to find a common place away from that.

I can only imagine the heartache they have over reading the 2 cents parents have interjected. Maybe a better way is to welcome the posters from that board to the Parenting Board to ask questions they have over "what's it really like?"

I know right now it seems to be defined by trying to feel postiive about not having a child & it's hard not to ponit out the wonders we've felt. Eventually I hope it becomes a place where they share that common bond they have as we do here.

In the meantime I'm keeping my answers to their posts to myself, through FM or by posts over here answering questions from there.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

Well said!

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I have only commented on that board once at it was defending the girls that post there. I was once childless and married for 6 years. I understand the place some of those girls are at. They deserve a place to share those feelings and not be attacked or judged.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I was childless until my late, ok very late 30s. I have posted on the Childless Family board but mostly because I am still not over the sting of some things that people said and did to me before I had DS. I'm still adjusting to being a parent. I was in the childless category for a lot more of my adult life than I have been a parent. There are posts there that I relate to all too well. I don't expect to be very active there, but I don't think I have to plan not to post there at all. Their GTGs are for the people who are currently childless, though. I have no plans to show up and whip out photos of DS or anything like that.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

Very well said Barb..

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I agree...well said!!

I just read the thread and was not at all offended by the things that were said. All of their fears are reality for some people...i'm sure many people.

I also wouldn't be able to try and put certain fears to rest over there in fear of hurting the ones that are childless not by choice. I can only image how much it must hurt to hear all of the wonderfull things about being a parent.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

When did they create that board?

Either way, I agree with what you said Barb!

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I agree (But .. I almost always agree with Barb so no big surprise there!)

I posted on a thread there.. but the thread was on NFR when I posted.

I have a LOT of things to say. I get frustrated sometimes - but then I remember that all of these people are looking at life from a completely different perspective than I am and I need to simply respect that.

When/If someone comes on parenting or NFR and asks for any kind of advise relevant to whether they should have kids or how having children has impacted their lives you can bet I'm piping right up!

I think the impulse is always to help or defend your choices. But I have to remember that my way is not the best way for everyone and that nobody needs to live up to my standards except me.

In the interim, I realize that the board is there for childless couples to have the chance to talk about and celebrate their families.

Message edited 3/18/2009 7:42:10 AM.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

Well Said!

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

Just because you (and many others) have had a wonderful experience with DC, doesn't mean that everyone will. I know many couples that do not want DC for any number of reasons, and they are very happy for it. Recent studies have shown that couples with kids are overall less happy than couples without DC. (Don't flame, I'm just the messenger...) http://www.yourtango.com/20072751/study-children-do-not-make-couples-any-happier.html

I really don't think it's up to any of us parents to tell childless couples how great it is to have DC. Since not everyone's experiences are the same, it's quite possible that their lives will take a significant downturn, especially if they were never that big into having DC in the first place.

ETA: I agree with several AP though, that if they do come onto Parenting looking for advice, then we are all free to say how wonderful kids are...

Message edited 3/18/2009 7:57:45 AM.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

i have avoided posting on that board as well, for that very reason.

of course i lurk (as i lurk on most of the boards here) but i need to understand that it is not my place to comment on a thread there - just as it would never be my place to offer advice or get involved in a discussion on a board like IF (which i HAVE done in the past and then realized i was in the wrong).

and i agree with barb and shawn - i would welcome with open arms anyone, childless or otherwise, who wants to discuss the pros and cons of being a parent.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I avoid posting on that board too.....it is a shame though that there is so much division between the 2 boards. That makes me

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

i agree.

I've read some things on that board. And to be honest some of the sentiment there is spot on to how I felt before we decided to get pregnat and even while I was pregnat.

You just don't know what being a parent feels like until you are one.

Some woman know from the moment they are born that they wanted to be a mother. And for others it isn't that black and white.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

well said,and I agree.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I have read posts there but have not responded to any of them because I don't feel it's my place. I truly think if someone needs or wants an opinion or advice from someone who is a parent, they will come to the parenting board. I think what you said was very insightful.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

Posted by jellybean1420

When did they create that board?

Either way, I agree with what you said Barb!

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I now stay away from that board. I'm so happy I have DS he is the best thing that ever happened to me , DH, and the rest of our families. I can't read the negativity about having a family.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I actually havent thought to go on there bc it wasnt my place. Which is why I agree with you for the most part. BUT...if I did stray from here which I did to go see what this post was about, I could definitely understand why SOME people might be hurt. Bottom line for me is...I have a child, I am happy, no reason to explore other venues.

Re: My 2 cents about the Childless Family Board

I agree. I lurk but I wont post. I do find some of the posts to be mean, but I think some of the members of that board probably think so too. Especially the people on that board are not there by choice.

I thought the board would be more for people who are planning to be childless forever, not a childless until we TTC. I never saw DH and I as a childless family. We were a family waiting for the right time.