Would this be rude? Baptism question...

DH and I have arranged to have DD baptized in NY (we live in NC but wanted to have the baptism where we got married). We plan on inviting lots of family and friends, but I know it's customary to have some sort of small party/gathering/luncheon afterward...

...we REALLLLLLY can't afford to pay for that type of thing right now. I've been out on disability since September because of my back surgery, and money is extremely tight.

Would it be rude to ask people to join us for brunch or lunch, but not to pay for them?

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Yes. And I think it would create an awkward situation.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Eh,I personally would not do that. And I'd honestly be a bit put off if I was expected to pay for myself - When you are invited to a Baptism, it's customary to bring a gift for the baby ........KWIM?

What if you just invite the Grandparents and Godparents out for lunch?
No one would fault you for keeping it very small.......

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I don't think it would be rude if it is close family and friends since I am sure that they know your situation. Can you have a small get together at a family members house? Dh and I live in AL now but we did the same thing and had DS christening in NY by the Priest who married us. We had a party at my in laws house

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I'm just not sure what to do...I don't want to be rude, but we literally can't afford to do much of anything. We can't even afford the plane tickets up to NY right now, those went on the credit card...

I feel awful asking my ILs to throw the party, they spent a huge amount of money on my baby shower just a few months ago.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

yes, that would be very awkward, and times are tough for many now, so you may have many that would LOVE to be part of it and just cant afford to spend on the party.

and not just to say that someone cant afford "going out to eat" but going to a restaurant in groups, there can be an issue of dividing up the bill.

if someone chooses to have a small meal, and another chooses to order 2 bottles of good wine, will that be
divided "evenly" that would be totally awkward too. Ive seen this happen a few times where one person had to pay $50 for a salad and a drink because they split the bill at the end.
and this happened very recently for a bday party out. even though the bday person's family was NOT expected to pay for everyone (it was an adult's bday), those that had to pay $50pp for a burger were taken aback, because others that had drinks all night and the priciest steak on the menu "made out pretty well"... this is a topic that irks me, lol. (no offense to you)

if you cant afford it, just look into other options.

do you have space at home (or any family in NY that youre staying with?) to have something small ?

it will be special as long as your baby has family to spend the day with, regardless of whether its at a restaurant or a family member's home.

Message edited 2/18/2009 5:10:04 PM.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Yes.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I would have cake and coffee at a family members house after church.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I would not. Is there anything alternative you can do, such as a get together in a family member's house?

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

When and where are you having it?? My cousin had the party at Belmont Park!!! It was nice and very inexpensive and they got to invite a ton of people b/c they weren't paying per head or anything. IMO, I would think it was rude if I was invited to a party and asked to pay for my own meal. But, there are other alternatives for you. Do you have a friend or family member who will loan there house? You can just do coffee and desert.

ETA - what about the church??? Do they have a basement you can use after for cake and coffee??? They might.

Message edited 2/18/2009 5:19:40 PM.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

DS's baptism is this sunday and we're having the reception at my mom's house... and I'm cooking everything.

It's totally do-able as long as you restrict the invite list to family. we're having 16 guests....

even if your back isn't good enough to do all of that cooking, you can put out coldcuts, cheeses, and breads, and maybe make a salad or 2.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Personally if you can't afford to have that many people then maybe you should greatly cut the guest list to just close family members and the godparents. Then you could do a brunch at someone's home - brunch is easy and cheap to make or cater if money is an issue. If you absolutely HAVE to have a lot of people at the very least you should invite them for coffee and cake and cookies to at least offer them something. I think it is rude to ask someone to come to something like a baptism where people bring gifts then ask them to pay for themselves to go out. I know no one will fault you due to money if you only invite grandparents, Brothers and sisters and godparents to keep it small.

If money is really tight now and you really want that many people maybe hold off on the baptism until you can afford to do something more.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Message edited 2/18/2009 5:20:26 PM.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I think its weird honestly....could you just go somehwer cheap and pay...

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I can tell you I went to one of these types of parties. My DH's nephew was baptized (and DH was the Godfather). There were only about 12 people invited and we went to a diner after the ceremony. Well I was shocked at the end when everybody was pitching in money for their meals. I asked DH what was up and he said that his sister didn't have alot of money and everybody was paying for themselves. I understood the situation, but still thought it was weird. Especially since I wasn't told in advance.

I think maybe you could just have cake and coffee at somebody's house, or as a PP mentioned, maybe in a public park or something where all the kids can play and it won't be too crowded.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I doubt I would mind if I had to pay for my meal at a baptism, but I am not a parent and haven't dealt with this before.

Have it at someone's house, ask immediate family members to pitch in. My SIL always does this for my nephew's baptisms and birthdays and it is always a hit. We all help out, cook, set up and clean. It can be done for a lot less money than you think. Even heros are pretty cheap, a big tray of penne alla vodka is easy, and chips and dips are cheap and easy too.

Good luck

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Why don't you just keep it small? I had DS's Baptism over the weekend and had maybe 15-20 close friends and immediate family. We had everyone back to our house for sandwiches/salads and I made cupcakes. We spent no more then $150 on everything and I loved that it was just the people we are closest to. So much less stressful and I really was able to enjoy his day.

To answer the actual question, yes I think it would be rude to expect guests to pay their own way as most people will give a gift.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

i think everyone seems to be forgetting that baptisms arent about parties and eating really...the most important part of your trip is to have your baby brought into your faith..you dont HAVE to have a party AT ALL..if my situation was bad enough that i was stressing like you seem to be, and i had to pay all that money to fly in so my inlaws and such could see their granddaughter be baptized, id either fore-go the party all together, or id just have grandparents and Godparents over for coffee and cake that evening at your in laws..

please dont let anyone make you feel bad about this..look at this economy!!
what youre doing for your dd is a beautiful thing, and it shouldnt be a day that stresses or puts you out in any way..if you feel compelled to, maybe a small gift or a written card to tell your chosen godparents that youre thankful would definately be appropraite imho..if theyre your family, and close enough to you to be your dd's godparents, im sure theyll understand!!
good luck!!

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I think it would be rude. Maybe the church has a room that you could use for a reception and serve cake.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

That would be awkward. Can you keep it really small, immediate family. To be honest a lot of Christenings we have gone to, we were only invited to the party part.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

I would never ask anyone to pay for that, but that being said I don't think there is anything wrong with just taking grandparents and godparents out to a casual dinner.

Or, If you have a house in NY that you can use and have everyone back for coffee and cake I think that would be good too.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...

What if you asked them to come over for just dessert and coffee? This is what we did for DD's baptism, since money was a bit tight.

Re: Would this be rude? Baptism question...