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Marriage help **UPDATE**

Posted By Message

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Marriage help **UPDATE**

I need advise on my marriage. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Here's the situation. My DH is a good man. Provides, caring dad, loyal, loves me, etc.

I just can't stand the procrastinating. It's terrible and he won't talk about it.

Here's the back story. Met 20 years ago young in our young/mid 20's. He had just bought a house that needed work and he's a contractor. Has been working on that house and it consumed him. We broke up after dating a few months bc of it. we got back together and funny thing is he didn't do much work in the 8 months we broke up. I lived with him there for about 5 years till we moved, which is when he finally completed the house to move. WE had a 1 year old at the time.

We move to another state and bigger house, but dated and needed work. He tears out the bathroom in the basement and never finishes it.
Fully doesn't finish anything here and there. Starts a project, but not always completes it. He won't take responsibility for it either. Well, you could've helped or painted, etc. I don't even know where to begin and he says it after if I say something like... this room needs to be done.
Finally he talks me into doing the kitchen, which is a huge project.. rip out everything, knock down walls, electrical, plumbing, etc.
It's been like this way too long. I get it. He does construction all day long and tired. My house is a mess. We keep moving things around. I have 2 teens now and it can't be healthy. I need a home. He keeps procrastinating. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not happy. He gets upset if I talk about it and he doesn't want help or hire anyone.
Sorry, so long, but it's frustrating living like this. He does amazing work and works alone. Very stubborn. Doesn't see a doctor to get checked out, easily shuts down if he isb't happy and we can't even sit to talk about things.
We get along when it's us out with friends, but at home it's quiet. We don't fight so much bc it's not worth it. WOrst part is EVERYONE is always going. What's up with the house. My parents, hism friends... I am not allowed to complain and he shuts down


**UPDATE**
Thanks all for your help and advise. So since we had a 4 day weekend we worked together (mostly him LOL) and gutted the whole kitchen. Took out tile and concrete under that and the horrible laminate floor under that and all the cabinets. I think that was the biggest part. Still a lot more work to do, but the huge part was done. Gotta fix walls and the floor and also he'll do the electrical and plumbing, but it's good.
Also we went out every night with friends for dinner and drinks so had something to look forward to rather than working all week. Kids were busy at friends with sleepovers so they stayed out.
Still a lot more to do, but like I said.. the demo is the worst part. Especially since we had a hard time picking up the tile.

Message edited 11/27/2023 9:11:17 AM.

Posted 11/22/23 10:04 AM
 
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Funkybutt
LIF Adult

Member since 4/15

3049 total posts

Name:

Marriage help

Does he have ADHD? If you can afford it, hire someone to get some of it done so you're not living with so much chaos. I would absolutely hate living like that.

Sounds like you might need marriage counseling. I hope you're able to find a way to make things better at home.

Posted 11/22/23 10:28 AM
 

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Re: Marriage help

Posted by Funkybutt

Does he have ADHD? If you can afford it, hire someone to get some of it done so you're not living with so much chaos. I would absolutely hate living like that.

Sounds like you might need marriage counseling. I hope you're able to find a way to make things better at home.



He was never diagnosed, but I would always joke he has contractor ADD bc he'd start something and then be like... you know what, I want to do the deck, not the bathroom now.
He won't hire anyone else. He's a contractor and has his own business. Does everything himself so of course refuses to have someone work in his home while he's working at another home. I get it.. he finishes jobs for paying customers and he's great at what he does. I just get the ****** part of it.

Posted 11/22/23 10:32 AM
 

windyweather21
LIF Adult

Member since 3/21

6930 total posts

Name:

Re: Marriage help

Is his excuse that he is tired for working all day doing the same type of work?

Posted 11/22/23 12:11 PM
 

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Re: Marriage help

Posted by windyweather21

Is his excuse that he is tired for working all day doing the same type of work?



Pretty much. And he just starts new jobs. He wanted to do the kitchen and then stopped bc it was getting nice so wanted to build a shed. That stopped and then took a break over the summer and then started the kitchen again, but it's A LOT of work. He does a kitchen for months going everyday Mon - Fri. Now he's doing the same, but a couple of hours here and there over months

Posted 11/22/23 12:15 PM
 

windyweather21
LIF Adult

Member since 3/21

6930 total posts

Name:

Re: Marriage help

Posted by EricaAlt

Posted by windyweather21

Is his excuse that he is tired for working all day doing the same type of work?



Pretty much. And he just starts new jobs. He wanted to do the kitchen and then stopped bc it was getting nice so wanted to build a shed. That stopped and then took a break over the summer and then started the kitchen again, but it's A LOT of work. He does a kitchen for months going everyday Mon - Fri. Now he's doing the same, but a couple of hours here and there over months



Definitely sounds like ADHD.

Does he finishes projects with customers in a timely fashion?

Posted 11/22/23 12:45 PM
 

Lucky09
2017!

Member since 1/06

7535 total posts

Name:
DW

Marriage help

Renos are stressful to live through. What would make me feel better in this situation is to plan with him: he finishes xyz (cabinets, walls etc) by this date and then you work on hiring another contractor to do the last things (counters, paint, appliances etc). I think having a planned solution would make you feel better. If he doesn't get it done by said date, you will hire the contractor to do EVERYTHING. Having a deadline set for him will likely push him too, although he might not be happy about it.

I sympathize with him as I have a million projects that I want to do in my home, but after working all week, commuting, cooking and bringing kids to all of their activities, I have zero desire to do anything else. I don't think it's ADHD as he's doing the work for work. I think (in my case) it's my age. In my 20s-30s I could work all day and go to the gym and stay up all night painting a wall or building a shelf or organizing my home. Now? ZERO desire after working all day. Also, my job is a lot more stressful than it was back then.

Posted 11/22/23 12:56 PM
 

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Re: Marriage help

Posted by windyweather21

Posted by EricaAlt

Posted by windyweather21

Is his excuse that he is tired for working all day doing the same type of work?



Pretty much. And he just starts new jobs. He wanted to do the kitchen and then stopped bc it was getting nice so wanted to build a shed. That stopped and then took a break over the summer and then started the kitchen again, but it's A LOT of work. He does a kitchen for months going everyday Mon - Fri. Now he's doing the same, but a couple of hours here and there over months



Definitely sounds like ADHD.

Does he finishes projects with customers in a timely fashion?



yes, he does that, but not for his parents. He did work there and didn't finish. I guess if you are related to him he doesn't finish. Not sure

Posted 11/22/23 1:03 PM
 

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Re: Marriage help

Posted by Lucky09

Renos are stressful to live through. What would make me feel better in this situation is to plan with him: he finishes xyz (cabinets, walls etc) by this date and then you work on hiring another contractor to do the last things (counters, paint, appliances etc). I think having a planned solution would make you feel better. If he doesn't get it done by said date, you will hire the contractor to do EVERYTHING. Having a deadline set for him will likely push him too, although he might not be happy about it.

I sympathize with him as I have a million projects that I want to do in my home, but after working all week, commuting, cooking and bringing kids to all of their activities, I have zero desire to do anything else. I don't think it's ADHD as he's doing the work for work. I think (in my case) it's my age. In my 20s-30s I could work all day and go to the gym and stay up all night painting a wall or building a shelf or organizing my home. Now? ZERO desire after working all day. Also, my job is a lot more stressful than it was back then.



I 100% sympathize with him. I get it. I do!! That's why I didn't want him to start this big job. I know he's tired. He asked for the summer off to relax I has no problem. He wants to go away bc he needs a break.. no problem. He is a happier person when he's not stressed. He likes going out and socializing with friends so I make the plans,
He just needs to do his part if he wants the marriage to work. He will NOT talk about it if I go to say something about having help or hiring someone. He refuses. He will not spend the money on someone working on his home.

Posted 11/22/23 1:05 PM
 

windyweather21
LIF Adult

Member since 3/21

6930 total posts

Name:

Re: Marriage help

Posted by EricaAlt

Posted by windyweather21

Posted by EricaAlt

Posted by windyweather21

Is his excuse that he is tired for working all day doing the same type of work?



Pretty much. And he just starts new jobs. He wanted to do the kitchen and then stopped bc it was getting nice so wanted to build a shed. That stopped and then took a break over the summer and then started the kitchen again, but it's A LOT of work. He does a kitchen for months going everyday Mon - Fri. Now he's doing the same, but a couple of hours here and there over months



Definitely sounds like ADHD.

Does he finishes projects with customers in a timely fashion?



yes, he does that, but not for his parents. He did work there and didn't finish. I guess if you are related to him he doesn't finish. Not sure



Maybe because there is no motivation of money at the end of it lol.

Posted 11/22/23 2:14 PM
 

ali120206
2 Boys

Member since 7/06

17784 total posts

Name:

Marriage help

It seems to be common for those in construction to have many partially finished projects in their home. My husband isn’t a contractor and he starts and doesn’t finish projects as well (but they are smaller and less important).

How many things are in progress right now? I would think the kitchen is the biggest. Like a PP said maybe set goals. And offer to do some work as well - i don’t know how much help I would be in the situation but offering might get him moving…

Posted 11/22/23 2:16 PM
 

LuckyStar
LIF Adult

Member since 7/14

7271 total posts

Name:

Re: Marriage help

Posted by ali120206

How many things are in progress right now? I would think the kitchen is the biggest. Like a PP said maybe set goals. And offer to do some work as well - i don’t know how much help I would be in the situation but offering might get him moving…



I agree with this, but it sounds like there is more to it than just the procrastinating about the renos? I know it’s a tough sell, but perhaps counseling would work? If you have an honest conversation and say you think it could benefit both of you maybe he would be agreeable?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this stress.

Posted 11/23/23 12:26 AM
 

lululu
LIF Adult

Member since 7/05

9505 total posts

Name:

Re: Marriage help

I would tell him that if he can't finish by X date you would like to put the house on the market and move somewhere that is completely done. Or call HGTV and see if you can get on one of the shows where they finish all the projects you started but can't complete!

Posted 11/23/23 10:37 AM
 

MissJones
I need a nap!

Member since 5/05

22130 total posts

Name:

Marriage help

We must be married to the same man lol

Posted 11/24/23 9:28 PM
 

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Re: Marriage help **UPDATE**

Added Update
Thanks all!

Posted 11/27/23 9:11 AM
 

EricaAlt
LIF Adult

Member since 7/08

22665 total posts

Name:
Erica

Re: Marriage help **UPDATE**

Posted by MissJones

We must be married to the same man lol



LOL! It's tough married tor a contractor bc it's gotta be his way.

Message edited 11/27/2023 9:12:11 AM.

Posted 11/27/23 9:11 AM
 

lululu
LIF Adult

Member since 7/05

9505 total posts

Name:

Re: Marriage help **UPDATE**

Great update! I am glad you got so much done! Such a good feeling!

Posted 11/30/23 7:18 AM
 
 

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