Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

When DD#2 is born (in about 5-7 weeks) she will be in the NICU (due to surgery), not sure for how long yet. She will be at Cohen's which is about 40 minutes from our house. We have an older DD who is 4.

I am already feeling very torn as how to handle needing to be in two places at once and which child to be with. I feel like i should be in the hospital the whole time with my new baby, but I dont want DD to feel neglected by me (she is VERY attached to me). I know my parents and DH will be around so its not like i dont have somebody to watch her 24/7 if i needed, but mommy guilt is hitting hard - i feel like whichever daughter i am with, i am abandoning the other.

So, what do i do - go to the NICU in the AM and then leave at dinner time and be with DD#1 (similiar to what i do now while at work)? I feel awful for leaving DD#2 in the hospital? But if i stay in the hospital until later, then i wont get to see DD#1 at all...i'm so conflicted.

I should add that DD#2 wont be breast-feeding or even bottle fed for a while, until she is healed from surgery.

Anyone have any experiences with something similar and how to handle this kind of separation? ANY thoughts/advice would be GREATLY appreciated.

TIA

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

I don't have any experience - but do NOT feel guilty. This is something totally out of your control, you're not going out drinking margaritas !!
And, youi'd be surprised how much fun your 4 year old has w/ Grandma/Grandpa & Daddy - especially if she's w/ you the majority of the timenormally. They are a novelty and will be fussing all over her anyway b/c of the situation. She will be fine.

Where is your 4 year old while you're at work? I'd try to keep the routine as normal as possible - BE at the hospital with the new baby, all day if youi want to - come home for bath/bed time if that will help you and your 4 year old ..........and then try to get some rest yourself

Good Luck with eveything!

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

thanks...

my 4 year old has school 3 days a week and then with my parents or in-laws the rest of the time. I definitely indend on keeping her routine as much as possible...i just hate the thought of leaving the baby "alone" (i know she'll be in good hands, but its not the same).

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

If the baby is in the NICU then I wouldn't feel bad not staying 24/7 There are ALWAYS nurses right there in the NICU so the baby will never be alone and is closely monitored. Granted it was only one night but I was discharged home from the hospital a day before DD was discharged from the NICU and I had to leave her overnight. She was fine.

Now if it was a slightly older baby who was in a regular pediatric unit where they'd be in a room alone, then I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them. That is a very different situation from the NICU though.

I would try to split my time however I thought was best and I wouldn't feel awful leaving the baby "alone" in the NICU.

Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

My DS wasn't in the NICU but I would divide and conquer with my DH if he was. I would not leave your older one with family unless absolutely needed outside of normal routine.

Having a new sister or brother can upset the routine of the older one in a normal situation and they older one can act out. so I would try to keep one of you with the older one as much as possible so she is still getting attention.

Message edited 4/21/2014 11:24:30 AM.

Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

I have no experience either but your older DD will need you too. You have a great support system so if you are feeling guilty have one of them spend time in the NICU also when you want some time with DD. Or spend the morning with older DD then go to NICU or vie versa. It can vary day to day dependign on what is happening too. But DO NOT feel guilty. Just one thing to remember is that your baby wont remember being left in the care of NICU but your DD will remember so she does need attention too. Not all your attention but I dont think it would be fair to spend all the time in NICU. But if you feel you need to just have DD come visit in the hospital. Best of luck and it will all work out.

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

DD #1 was in NICU for a week after I got discharged and I did not stay 24/7. I was there only really during the day, we had dogs we had to take care of. I was ok with it cause she was being monitored all the time I felt if she couldn't be with me it was the best and safest spot to be! I did not feel bad for staying 24/7 maybe that makes me a bad mommy but I didn't feel like I was . So try not to feel guilty its fine that you cant stay 24/7
Hope for a fast recovery for your DD.

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

DS was born early and was in the NICU for 10 days. DD was 15 months and we had no additional family members to help out.

I'd usually try to do the morning feed. run there when DD took her nap. head up at 10pm (after Dd was asleep)

You cant be there 24 hours.

I usually tried to get up there for 3 of the feedings. Some days were less.

It's hard but you get into a routine with it. DH used to pull up with DD sleeping in the car, he'd jump out and go visit the NICU. I'd park in the parking lot and wait for him. WE would bring DD into the hospital and take turns visiting and entertaining her.

it's crazy madness, but you get thru it and do the best you can and what works best for your family :) good luck!

Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

I have a 4 and 2 year old and ds is 3.5wks old. He was in the NICU the 1st 2wks. I was horribly torn. WHen my husband was off I would go in for the 8am, 11am, and 2pm feedings and stay the whole time. I could run errands or sleep in the sleep room. I would go home after the 2 feeding and spend the evening at home. DH would go up for the 8pm and 11pm feedings. WHen he worked, because he works 24 hr shifts I woud be there 8am-2pm and then 8pm-2am and slept in the sleep room again. It was very very hard and at the end my older kids were done with me being gone. The day before he came home I was exhausted, sore and my kids were bawling because I was leaving. I went for the 8am feeding and came home. That day we spent the whole day decorating for Easter, making food, watching movies, and just snuggling. I am so grateful we did because the next day changed everything with him being home.

It's hard, very very hard, and all I can say is you will never feel right about your choice. It did work well for me to be there during the day but to be home for dinner/bedtime. Every 2 days or so do something special with your older dc. That really does help. I also took pictures of him everyday so my kids could see why I was gone and they LOVED watching him get bigger. Good luck and feel free to pm me. We have only been home 1.5wks so this is all still very fresh to me.

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

When my #2 was born at 32 weeks, I had a 10.5 month old at home. I was extremely tint bc I literally had two babies. I thankfully had my mom caring for my oldest at home. I spent the majority of the day at the hospital bc even thought the baby was in an incubator, the drs explained how crucial it was that the baby bond with me through scent & touch. I only lived 20 minutes from the hospital so I would leave around 230 & go home to be with my oldest. Then thr hubby & I would go back after dinner to put the baby to bed. My baby was there for 4 weeks

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

My DD was in the NICU for 3 weeks and they really don't let you stay the whole time - especially depending on the type of care the other babies in the room needs. Anytime doctors did rounds or something was going on with the other kids, we were asked to wait outside. I only had the one baby at the time, so I stayed at the hospital, but a lot of the time - it was out in the waiting room, waiting for the next feeding. For the most part - the babies are all asleep and holding them was VERY limited. I definitely understand the need to look through the glass around the clock - but you should NOT feel guilty - find the right balance for you and know that you are giving it 120% because of the tough situation. You sound like a great mom!

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

Thanks for all your repsonses...your experiences have given me a lot to think about. I think the guilt will be completely unavoidable, but at least i have some good advice as to how to handle it all.

you have all made me feel a lot better about this crappy situation - so i again, thanks!

Re: Need opinions...newborn in NICU/older child at home

I was in your situation this time last year. I'll give you an idea of what worked best for us.

DS1 was 3 at the time. DS2 spent 94 days in the NICU, and had 2 surgeries while there. We live 50-55 minutes away, so it was hard to come and go more than once per day.

I kept a similar schedule to when I was working, so my 3 year old wouldn't feel the change too much. I would drop him off in the morning to school, or my mom's or MIL's, and then get to the hospital around 9:30-10:00. Most days I would make it in time for rounds, which I participated in. I would stay until 3:30-4:00, depending on the day. If it was a busy day, then later. Then I would pick up DS1 and his nightly routine was still intact. The biggest change for him was probably the weekend, because we were always dropping him off somewhere. At night, I would always call the NICU to see how DS2 was doing.

On the days when he had a big procedure or surgery, and we needed to get there early, we booked a nearby hotel for the night before.

Either way, it was a crappy situation, but it became routine.

Message edited 4/21/2014 7:04:48 PM.