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Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

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scarletbegonia
Mr. Handsome

Member since 5/06

13481 total posts

Name:
V

Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

My friend passed this on to me - thought it was too funny not to share - especially Lessons 5 & 8. Chat Icon

****************
Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11-Step Program First!


Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.


Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.


Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?


Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.



Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.



Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.



Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.



This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!?

Posted 1/4/11 7:56 PM
 
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BethanyLynn
Love these munchkins

Member since 10/09

6295 total posts

Name:
Bethany

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

Love 4 8 and 10!!!

Thats great! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/4/11 7:58 PM
 

Reese32
LIF Adult

Member since 7/07

3631 total posts

Name:

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

Saw this on FB today. Hysterical and ENTIRELY TRUE!

Posted 1/4/11 7:58 PM
 

neenie

Member since 5/05

22351 total posts

Name:

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

Chat Icon

Posted 1/4/11 8:03 PM
 

nicrae
He's here!

Member since 12/06

9289 total posts

Name:
Mommy

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon That describes my life perfectly....

Posted 1/4/11 8:07 PM
 

MrsBurtch525
Year for change!

Member since 1/09

6017 total posts

Name:
Taryn

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

I saw you had posted that on FB....totally gave me a chuckle...so true though...Chat Icon Chat Icon

I was literally crying reading 4,5 and 7....DH thought i was crazy...

Message edited 1/4/2011 8:19:10 PM.

Posted 1/4/11 8:15 PM
 

DBJ808
LIF Adult

Member since 6/09

1039 total posts

Name:
Dana

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

OMG I am CRYING from laughing so hard!!!

Posted 1/4/11 8:49 PM
 

carissa1643
I LOVE my sons! :)

Member since 5/09

5283 total posts

Name:
Carissa

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

wow! This is completely true! Chat Icon

Posted 1/4/11 8:54 PM
 

lucyloo
nope

Member since 1/06

9758 total posts

Name:

....

Message edited 3/4/2013 11:27:54 AM.

Posted 1/4/11 8:59 PM
 

Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!

Member since 8/05

14470 total posts

Name:
Veronica

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

AMEN! Chat Icon

Posted 1/4/11 9:01 PM
 

labonnevie
sometimes 1+1= 4 <3

Member since 8/09

3869 total posts

Name:
the lucky one

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

ROFL!!! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/4/11 9:09 PM
 

KwaaksNest
Love my boys!

Member since 6/10

2825 total posts

Name:
Samantha

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

that is great!

Posted 1/4/11 9:57 PM
 

HarleyGirlFLA
Come on in

Member since 5/05

9674 total posts

Name:
Mel

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

this is great Chat Icon

Posted 1/4/11 10:16 PM
 

Linda1003
love my 2 boys

Member since 8/08

10923 total posts

Name:
Linda

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

LOVE IT!!!

Posted 1/5/11 8:15 AM
 

MamaLeen
:)

Member since 10/09

4594 total posts

Name:
E

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 8:20 AM
 

JP826
=)

Member since 9/06

10903 total posts

Name:
Me!! All about ME!

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

I am sitting here in tears reading this!

Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 8:47 AM
 

Peainapod
Peanuts are here!

Member since 1/09

13591 total posts

Name:
Diana

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

LMAO!! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 9:03 AM
 

headoverheels
s'il vous plaît

Member since 6/07

42079 total posts

Name:
LB

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

OMG this is hysterical Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 9:05 AM
 

neener1211
:-)

Member since 4/07

22952 total posts

Name:
J

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

This had me laughing out loud!!Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 9:33 AM
 

mcl916
my two loves

Member since 10/06

5133 total posts

Name:
Megan

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

This is hysterical!! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 11:17 AM
 

Mags1227
Just a mommy ...

Member since 10/10

2665 total posts

Name:
M

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

hilarious!!!
sending it to all my friends asap Chat Icon

Posted 1/5/11 12:10 PM
 

MrsSpring
I'm a lucky mama

Member since 1/10

7585 total posts

Name:
L

Re: Thinking about becoming a parent? A funny read....

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Posted 1/5/11 12:13 PM
 
 

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