Re: Divorced Ladies

i am recently divorced- annulled...actually it will be a year in april... My husband was a verbal and emotional abuser due to his alcohol and substanceabuse. I lived with it before we got married but naively thought I could help him and things would get better. I caught him in lies, spent hours crying wondering where he was- he was out binging on alcohol and drugs. I was phyically and emotionally drained after 3 years. i left after 6 1/2 months of marriage and I have to say it was the BEST decision I ever made. I started to hate and resent him. I didnt even want him near me and towards the end I would wish that he waould stay out so I didnt have to deal with him when he came home drunk- it was scary!!!

I didnt do it on my own. I had the support of friends family, my liw/lif friends and I went for counseling. best thing I could have done. It was so difficult to leave- it is easier said then done.... but I couldnt do it anymore- that was not the life I wanted- and he wasnt going to get help....and he was a manipulator also!!! he would turn things around- so well, I would think it was me and that I was the crazy one. I would second guess myself and think it was me!!! He was so good at it, it was truly frightening!!!

It will be difficult but you will get through it- it will in fact make you stronger. And you will meet someone again, when you are ready.

I thought I would never meet anyone again- I gave myself 6 months to heal, spend time with friends, family and then I started to date- and met a great guy....

I know it must be hard with a baby. But you dont need to live a life of pain like that- no one does. If you ever need anything please fm me...... lots of hugs for you!!

Message edited 2/14/2006 9:17:07 PM.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I'm not divorced or in an abusive relationship, but my aunt is in an abusive relationship for the past 15 years. The family has witnesses verbal abuse on many occasions, we've never witnesses physical abuse but suspect it happened in the past.

My aunt chose to stay with him for their son's sake, he's 12 now and is really mean to her. Talks back, says really nasty things to her and used to bite her hard enough to break skin, kick, hit, etc. We all firmly believe it's because he sees his father treating her that way he thinks it's normal.

I'm not saying divorce is the right answer for you, but you need to think about if you want your child to be raised around abuse, and how that may affect their self esteem and the way they treat others in the future.

Good luck, it's not an easy position to be in. You are lucky to have your family supporting you. Please don't worry about meeting someone else. As you can see by other posts here, it's very possible.

Re: Divorced Ladies

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm not divorced but left what I considered a 2 year emotionally abusive relationship. It was more subtle with put-downs, etc. What was the straw for me is that he was spending hours hanging out with our neighbors. I decided that I would be better off alone, than lonely. It was a hard decision. I had to move back in with my parents - and felt like I came back with my tail between my legs. It made it hard because on some level they were relieved we broke up. I needed time to mourn the end of my relationship even though I was the one that ended it.

While some say that leaving is harder because you have a child - I disagree. If you are experiencing abuse as you indicated, you leave for your child, for his safety, for his well-being. My exboyfriend was raised in a household where there was EVERY type of abuse going on- which I feel was a big part of the reason he was the way he was. He learned 2 roles from his parents - to be the victim or the abuser. Given the choice, few people opt for the victim role.

Re: Divorced Ladies

Ladies,

Thank you for the support and FMs. I really appreciate all of your kind words. Why do us women have to suffer like this with terrible men.

Re: Divorced Ladies

First I have to say Im sorry that you are going through this. I know first hand what it is like ...I was married for 10 years to a very abusive man. We had 4 children together. I know that everybody thinks its so easy to leave etc....but I know it isnt. I dont know I guess I have the same advice people gave me ..one day you will just have enough and that is exactly what happened to me ...when I had my last daughter he attacked me while I was holding her she was 2 days old...and that was my wake up call. I called the police he was arreseted I got a restraining order and moved. I have to tell you that my older children have seen way too much and I feel horrible about it, My oldest son is in counseling etc.....please get out before this happens to you. I know what you mean about the fear of being alone my ex would always tell me nobody will want you you r fat ugly and have kids etc... and after years of heraing it you believe it . Well im living proof this is not true... i found a wonderful man who loves me and my children unconditionally, and i had 4 kids!!!! He is patient and has dealt with all my emotional baggage.......I wish you the best and if u never need to talk you can FM me anytime!!!!

Re: Divorced Ladies

For those ladies that have been in this situation, what was the first step you took? I really do not even know where to begin.

Thanks

Re: Divorced Ladies

First of all, .

I was married to a man who I found out was cheating on me while I was pregnant with our son. For me, there was no option...I would not stay with someone that I could not trust, and who disrespected me. So, I too, had a newborn and was in this very difficult situation.

I thought of my child, and knew that I'd rather him be with 1 happy parent, than 2 unhappy parents, which we would have been had we stayed together. I had a very supportive family, and supportive friends who were there for me through it all.

In the beginning, I concentrated on me and my son, bought a house, and just healed. After a year or so, I started to date and eventually found my DH, who loves my son as if he were his own, and we now have a beautiful little girl together. In the beginning, I never thought I'd meet someone. Now I know that I have a wonderful man who respects and loves me, and treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

Please, FEEL FREE to FM me. I will help you however I can.