I need some help regarding MIL

let me start out that i do not have a good relationship with my mil at all. she has said some very hurtful things to me over the years and we basically have no relationship. i see her once a week so she can see ds. i will not go there unless dh is with me and she is not invited over here unless dh is home. its been this way for almost 5 years.
tonight she was here. so we were talking about the baby being born. i said i have everything covered with my son i dont need any help with him that day. so she asked when she could come to the hospital and i said i am not sure about the first day because i don't know how i am going to feel right after the surgery but the rest of the time i have no problem with you coming up, i would rather dh's siblings wait until we come home. ( i said this because after my last c i had them in recovery with me and at the hospital the next day. i was miserable in recovery and i was not able to see my ds until the next afternoon after my c. plus i am not close with any of my inlaws and when i feel sick i need to be around who makes me comfortable my mom and my dh). this made her leave my home "almost in tears" she didnt even say goodbye to my parents and i have dh looking at me saying smugly well now are you happy you got what you wanted. i said i am having a major surgery and i am scared and i feel like if i dont want people up there in my room with me right after i have the right to say so. he said i am turning a happy time into something hurtful to his mother and that its not a big deal the surgery and i am just being mean and blah blah blah. i just cant understand why my wishes cant be understod, i understand a new baby is exciting but shouldn't my feelings be respected first?
i know a lot of you will disagree with me, but i am just so at my wits end with this pg, and dh and his family. im tired of having to always take the blame while others put on the poor me attitude.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

I completely understand how you feel and I'm not having a C-section. Giving birth, whether naturally or by C-section is a lot on a woman and to have a room full of people before you're ready can be overwhelming.
When I was pregnant with DD my issue was with my mother (we don't have a very good relationship). She wanted to be there in the room, in the hospital waiting, etc. I told her NO. That we would call her as soon as the baby was born and she could come then if we were up to it.
I didn't want to feel like I had the pressure of people waiting for me to give birth and wanting to rush in the second the baby was out. While giving birth is an exciting time for everyone I think it's a very private time for a husband/wife/child and they should have visitors when they feel ready.


I hope your DH can understand where you are coming from.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

You are absolutely in the right here. Don't let anyone guilt you into seeing things their way! You will have carried this child all of this time and if you want a day or 2 or longer for whatever reason, that should be respected. Sorry but your MIL's feelings are her problem, not yours. Do what is best for you!!!!

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

OMG she sounds like a loon. And as for your DH, I'm sorry, a c IS a big deal and I wouldn't even argue the point with him.
I was throwing up for 18 hours after the section,(so no food for me!), trying to breast feed, AND trying to rest a little. A few family members came, SEPARATELY thank God, and stayed all of 10 minutes then left. I would've lost it if their visits were more taxing than that.

I'm sorry your MIL is doing that to you, she's just wrong and it's totally manipulative of her to leave "in tears" and create drama between you and DH. She should grow up.

Let it roll off your back, once baby gets here you'll forget all about her, even if only for a few days.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

I too am having a csectiona nd feel teh same way, my own parents included. When I am nevous, I prefer to be alone, not have people hovering, asking questions, etc. I feel the same way as you, I won't commit to any visitors until I see how i feel. I don't want anyone waiting there while the surgery is going on, as I have heard too many stories of family members barging in and getting to see teh baby before the mother even had her chance! That is not how i want to remember the birth of my first child, so we are specificially telling ALL family they will get a call when we are ready for visitors.

Your DH is 1 billion % wrong, you are having a surgery and what you feel takes the top priority, NO ONE ELSE's wants and needs. They all come after yours. I think what you want and said is very reasonable, and I hope you won't back down with teh guilt trips that are being laid on you. Not fair at all.

Too bad, YOU are the patient having major surgery, what you want/need should be NO questions asked.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

your the patient at the hospital, and your doctor would probably agree: you have to do whats best for you and the baby. And you recovering is the best thing for the baby, if that means not having his mom there until a certain time then thats what you need to do

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

I understand how you feel, having to entertain or socialize with people after major surgery is a big deal. You have to allow yourself some healing time.

The only thing I could suggest is to have the same rules for your own family as for your in-laws. I can certainly understand MIL and B/SILs feeling slighted if your family is allowed to visit and they are not.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

I totally agree-- you are not in the wrong here at all.

I can't believe your MIL has the balls to leave your house in tears acting like she is the victim. I am sure she had much more to do with the status of your relationship than you did-- now she has to pay the consequences so to speak.

You are having major surgery, you do not know what you are going to feel like, etc.

I personally do not know what I will feel like and I have already said I do not want the days after I deliver to be a parade at the hospital. I want our immediate families there and maybe some of my close friends and that's it. I would not want people visiting me when I feel and look like shite-- although I know they are coming to see the baby-- why should I have to feel uncomfortable?

I would have a long talk with your DH and get him to understand your feelings. It's not about the fact that you are trying to do something vindictive to your MIL, you just want to ensure your comfort. If he knows the state of your relationship with his mom-- as I am sure he does-- he will eventually understand.

On the flip side-- it is his time too. So, maybe you can make a deal where your MIL can come to the hospital for HIM at a time when you are more comfortable.. but the rest of his family can stay away til you are home.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

First of all, it IS a big deal...the surgery. So whoever said that to you is wrong. Your MIL needs to stop acting like a child...walking out the door with tears in her eyes. All to make you look like the bad person to her son...and it worked because of his reaction to you.

YOU"RE the one having this baby and if you need rest, then your dh should be on your side and explain this to his mom.

The same day I had my baby, I could have had visitors but my dh told everyone that I needed my rest and to come the next day.

Good luck...she sound like a bit of a drama queen.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

Your feelings are totally justified and completely understandable. But if you want to reach a compromise, is it possible for her to come to the hospital to see her son and the baby, but not go into your room so that you can recover comfortably?

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

I agree- you are in the right. Think of it this way...you said that you have not had a good relationship with her for FIVE years. You also said that it goes both ways. If she were going through something uncomfortable, would she want you there? Probably not. There is nothing wrong with only wanting those close to you during something difficult.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

She sounds like my MIL. A drama queen that guilts her son. Good luck, I feel your pain.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

uggg, i feel your pain...the LAST people i want around me that day are my in-laws, luckily i won't have that problem.

i think DH needs to be the go between. he should stick up for you and make your (and in turn, his) wishes known.

i would suggest they can come by and see the baby if they want, but they should really respect your wishes and if you don't want anyone visiting you, by all means they should respect that.

Re: I need some help regarding MIL

you are doing NOTHING wrong and your DH needs be more supportive...you have a right to say who is there and who is not there the minute you get out of MAJOR surgery...seriously...F her...she's being a drama queen over something that belongs to you...please know you are doing the right thing and DO NOT change your mind...maybe write a letter to your DH to express your feelings and your need for his support so he fully understands where your coming from without emotions getting in your way..I find a letter can sometimes be clearer than emotional words which always gets used against you... good luck and many hugs