I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

So, I had anticipated at about this time to be writing something anecdotal about Gianna's rather interesting entrance into this world seven days ago. (Yes, I had a girl!!!): the much dreaded induction, the 26 hour labor which followed, etc. Whilst it is incredibly significant and amazing to have her in our lives, any retelling of her birth story - at this point - seems like something which happened a very long time ago, and perhaps even to someone else.

We brought Gianna home Friday from hospital, and I got to enjoy less than twenty-four hours with her before being admitted into the ICU with, what they suspected at first, might be anything from a cardiac anomaly to the more likely bleeding on the brain. I could easily - well, perhaps easily though certainly not comfortably - write about that nightmare: how it felt to be alone in the hospital ER at first (who does one get to watch a 2-day old baby?!? They kicked DH and the baby out, and had them wait in the car!) and ............

And I need to stop, right now, going down that path I was venturing on to in that prior paragraph. Those details are juicy and gorey and unfathomable, but not at all the direction or tone I intended for this writing to take. I just cannot recall or recount this experience without literally causing myself physical harm. It was unbelievably awful, full stop, and I want to forget it but I cannot. As night fell on my house this evening and the lights took on a certain unnatural familiarity, part of me was brought back to that ICU, to that complete and utter death-stained sh*thole, and I felt/feel utter terror - terror at my body betraying me so much once again that I would be sent back to the place I thought I would never leave. ICU PTSD, perhaps?

Well, it does not matter. Very little in fact does at this point. What does matter: I am in the house I previously hated with all my being, celebrating every bit of clutter and savoring every insane second with these amazing children and the wonderful Grizzly Adams-lookalike who has been run ragged whilst juggling the care of a very sick wife in hospital and a newborn at home. I had questioned so much this past year (it was a bad year), and had it out more times with God than most people do in a lifetime. I have asked and begged, "Why?" more times than a three-year old on a trip to the zoo. Well, I get it now. I do. I get it. I really bloody get it. And I am mortified at the whiney brat I'd become.

I still do not have an exact diagnosis (they do not think it was postpartum pre-eclampsia), and I have bottles of medication which are meant to keep my blood pressure down and which almost do - some of the time. That is unbelievably scary. The near-constant head pain is a constant reminder of the tentativeness of my wellness, and keeps me in check. I had looked forward to this postpartum liberation of my body so much; I could not wait to run and cycle again, to even be so bold as to aspire to a waistline again. With nothing but rest mandated for the foreseeable future, those wishes too must wait, and for a shallow, body-obsessed peson like myself, the adjustment in priorities and belief is nothing shy of entertaining.

If you are inclined towards prayer, please keep me in mind. I am terrified.

My life is abundant with joy, and the transparency of that joy is once again mine.

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

I am so sorry you went through that. I went through the exact same thing and was utterly terrified by being alone in the hospital with my newborn home with DH. I too never got an official diagnosis, but they toyed with ideas.

It was a year ago that I came home from the hospital and many of the things I mentally hurt over during that time have gone.

I pray you feel better soon.

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

WOW! I'm not sure whether to congratulate you first or to send lots of and your way.

Obviously, many congrats on the birth of your beautiful

I'm so sorry you had to endure the rest of what followed after giving birth. I'm sure it must have been scary for you. However, I'm glad that you are home and that for now things are o.k.

It's amazing how quickly life changes though for the good...bad...etc. and how much it makes us stop and think about all we are grateful for.

Hopefully, you'll be able to enjoy your family and get yourself back to good heath. In the meantime I'll keep you in my thoughts....

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

I can't even imagine how scary that must have been for you. I will pray for you and I hope that you will be feeling better soon.

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

We are praying for you ..but also congrats on you beautiful baby girl!!

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

My prayers are with you, and I hope everything resolves itself soon.

Your daughter is absolutely beautiful

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

congratulations on your

speedy recovery

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

Congrats on your baby girl!

for your recovery

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

that you get well soon. for your baby girl and whatever you feel you have learned from this experience. Love the pics btw!

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

your children are beautiful- congratulations!
you have a safe and speedy recovery.

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

I cant imagine what you went through. My are with you.

Your baby Gianna is beautiful! I love that name!

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

i am so sorry you are going through all this, but your baby girl is so, so beautiful - congrats!!

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

My heart and prayers are with you and your family.

Your daughter is absolutely beautiful, let her be your shining light.

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

First of all, congratulations!! You made it thru with a gorgeous baby to show for your pain and heartache. She is a stunner!! Second, I cannot even imagine being in ICU when my baby is 2 days old. Grizzly deserves an award for holding it all down! I pray that you get stronger and better each and every day. And third, I love your writing style. Do you write for work or pleasure? All the best to you and your expanded family!!

Re: I had the baby.... but I was in the ICU!!!

I'm so sorry you went through that. Congratulations on the birth of your daughter and best wishes for a speedy recovery.