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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Janice
I honestly am shocked that people would leave SO's over this. You are married, things change, people change, I would pray that no one is ever in the situation, but I would rather be childless than life without DH
I may want to be a man one day but that doesn't mean my husband should have to stay with me because of a decision i made!
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Posted 7/21/05 3:41 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Redhead
Posted by Janice
same end result-a childless marriage. I am sure either way, physically he can't or mentally does not think he is up to the challenge is still going to be hell for him.
I honestly am shocked that people would leave SO's over this. You are married, things change, people change, I would pray that no one is ever in the situation, but I would rather be childless than life without DH
same result...DIFFERNT MEANS!
ESPECIALLY if the person TOLD ME PRE-marriage that he wanted kids!
Like i said that is a BIG topic to discuss before getting married.
janice, isn't lying a big thing???
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:42 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Janice....so if you DH decided that he wanted to have an open marriage....that is ok then?
Since people change?
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:43 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by CaptainCharisma424
Posted by Redhead
Posted by Janice
same end result-a childless marriage. I am sure either way, physically he can't or mentally does not think he is up to the challenge is still going to be hell for him.
I honestly am shocked that people would leave SO's over this. You are married, things change, people change, I would pray that no one is ever in the situation, but I would rather be childless than life without DH
same result...DIFFERNT MEANS!
ESPECIALLY if the person TOLD ME PRE-marriage that he wanted kids!
Like i said that is a BIG topic to discuss before getting married.
janice, isn't lying a big thing???
it sure is, who was lying though? can't people change? we don't know how long this couple has been together for. Maybe he is knee deep in a mortgage and cc bills and to start providing for a family is obsurd to him right now. Maybe he has never been around kids, and now his friends have them and he doesn't want them-who knows? but it is jumping the gun to say he was lying.
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:44 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Redhead
Janice....so if you DH decided that he wanted to have an open marriage....that is ok then?
Since people change?
that is infidelity, completely different.
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:45 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Janice
Posted by Redhead
Janice....so if you DH decided that he wanted to have an open marriage....that is ok then?
Since people change?
that is infidelity, completely different.
that is different FOR YOU!
that is YOUR deal breaker (as well as another for me)
everyone has their own limits.
LOTS of people stay after someone cheats...
But YOUR arguement of "people change" doesnt' cut it!
Message edited 7/21/2005 3:48:09 PM.
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:47 PM |
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BabyBlues
LIF Zygote
Member since 7/05 4 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Janice
side note....
If your DH was unable to give you a child and did not want to adopt would you still leave?
To me that would be a totally different situation than what I am presented with now. We are able. This all arose because in the past couple weeks I have been a little sick and off. The question arose that maybe I was pregnant. DH's first words were well, we'll take care of it, meaning heading off to a clinic. Well, that conversation stemmed off into a full discussion about children and his desire not to have any. I know his reasons for not wanting them, and its not money, living situation or anything like that, it is pure selfishness. He has turned into a very selfish person since being married. He seems to have turned into a little follower since marriage and since all his married friends have no children and don't want any, neither does he.However, he knew before being married that children was something I would not sacrifice in my life and now all this is thrown out there. Well, I will not be taking a preganacy test because with the situation right now I don't want to know, but in time if it turns out I am, I will tell him and depending on his reaction, either we'll be happily starting a family or unhappily filing for divorce because there is no way in H E L L I would ever get get and abortion and like I told him, if I am, I have absolutely no problem raising my child on my own!!
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:48 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Redhead
Posted by Janice
Posted by Redhead
Janice....so if you DH decided that he wanted to have an open marriage....that is ok then?
Since people change?
that is infidelity, completely different.
that is different FOR YOU!
that is YOUR deal breaker!
no that is in my vows. marriage is about 2 people. that makes a marriage, if you add 3 or 4 that is not a marriage. people can have a marriage and not have children
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:48 PM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Janice
Posted by CaptainCharisma424
Posted by Redhead
Posted by Janice
same end result-a childless marriage. I am sure either way, physically he can't or mentally does not think he is up to the challenge is still going to be hell for him.
I honestly am shocked that people would leave SO's over this. You are married, things change, people change, I would pray that no one is ever in the situation, but I would rather be childless than life without DH
same result...DIFFERNT MEANS!
ESPECIALLY if the person TOLD ME PRE-marriage that he wanted kids!
Like i said that is a BIG topic to discuss before getting married.
janice, isn't lying a big thing???
it sure is, who was lying though? can't people change? we don't know how long this couple has been together for. Maybe he is knee deep in a mortgage and cc bills and to start providing for a family is obsurd to him right now. Maybe he has never been around kids, and now his friends have them and he doesn't want them-who knows? but it is jumping the gun to say he was lying.
I don't necessarily think he was lying- he may have genuinely wanted them before, but not any longer.
The question is still if she wants to stay with him or not.
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:49 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Janice
Posted by Redhead
Posted by Janice
Posted by Redhead
Janice....so if you DH decided that he wanted to have an open marriage....that is ok then?
Since people change?
that is infidelity, completely different.
that is different FOR YOU!
that is YOUR deal breaker!
no that is in my vows. marriage is about 2 people. that makes a marriage, if you add 3 or 4 that is not a marriage. people can have a marriage and not have children
BEFORE making vows you should KNOW THE PERSON you are making them to! I was told pre-wedding that the person i am giving these vows to wanted children. Which is WHY (among other issues that i feel is important) i married the person.
IF he told me pre-wedding that he didn't want child i would heva NEVER made such vows!
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:52 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by BabyBlues
Posted by Janice
side note....
If your DH was unable to give you a child and did not want to adopt would you still leave?
To me that would be a totally different situation than what I am presented with now. We are able. This all arose because in the past couple weeks I have been a little sick and off. The question arose that maybe I was pregnant. DH's first words were well, we'll take care of it, meaning heading off to a clinic. Well, that conversation stemmed off into a full discussion about children and his desire not to have any. I know his reasons for not wanting them, and its not money, living situation or anything like that, it is pure selfishness. He has turned into a very selfish person since being married. He seems to have turned into a little follower since marriage and since all his married friends have no children and don't want any, neither does he.However, he knew before being married that children was something I would not sacrifice in my life and now all this is thrown out there. Well, I will not be taking a preganacy test because with the situation right now I don't want to know, but in time if it turns out I am, I will tell him and depending on his reaction, either we'll be happily starting a family or unhappily filing for divorce because there is no way in H E L L I would ever get get and abortion and like I told him, if I am, I have absolutely no problem raising my child on my own!!
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:52 PM |
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Tany
Becoming a different woman
Member since 5/05 24460 total posts
Name:
Tania
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by BabyBlues
Posted by Janice
side note....
If your DH was unable to give you a child and did not want to adopt would you still leave?
To me that would be a totally different situation than what I am presented with now. We are able. This all arose because in the past couple weeks I have been a little sick and off. The question arose that maybe I was pregnant. DH's first words were well, we'll take care of it, meaning heading off to a clinic. Well, that conversation stemmed off into a full discussion about children and his desire not to have any. I know his reasons for not wanting them, and its not money, living situation or anything like that, it is pure selfishness. He has turned into a very selfish person since being married. He seems to have turned into a little follower since marriage and since all his married friends have no children and don't want any, neither does he.However, he knew before being married that children was something I would not sacrifice in my life and now all this is thrown out there. Well, I will not be taking a preganacy test because with the situation right now I don't want to know, but in time if it turns out I am, I will tell him and depending on his reaction, either we'll be happily starting a family or unhappily filing for divorce because there is no way in H E L L I would ever get get and abortion and like I told him, if I am, I have absolutely no problem raising my child on my own!!
good for you and good luck with whatever decision you take.
Message edited 7/21/2005 3:55:22 PM.
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:55 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
and apart of loving me is haveing children. And if you do not want to have children then you do not love me...
that would be a break of vows IMO!
ETA. and the church in which i made said vows in...agrees that this an acceptable marriage breaker! Hence accepting annulments siting this as a reason!
Message edited 7/21/2005 3:58:54 PM.
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:55 PM |
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BabyBlues
LIF Zygote
Member since 7/05 4 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Redhead
and apart of loving me is haveing children. And if you do not want to have children then you do not love me...
that would be a break of vows IMO!
Its funny, because part of our vows was actually to accept children!!
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:57 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by BabyBlues
Posted by Redhead
and apart of loving me is haveing children. And if you do not want to have children then you do not love me...
that would be a break of vows IMO!
Its funny, because part of our vows was actually to accept children!!
i am sooo sorry and i truly hope things work out for you
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| Posted 7/21/05 3:59 PM |
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Leeners
:)
Member since 5/05 4898 total posts
Name:
Eileen
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Wow. You guys have made this thread completely about yourselves!!!!!!!! The poster has written again only to be ignored for a number of posts while everyone else argues out their own issues. 
BabyBlues - I am truly sorry for the situation that you are in right now. I admire your strength and wish you the best of luck with this.
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| Posted 7/21/05 4:00 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by BabyBlues
To me that would be a totally different situation than what I am presented with now. We are able. This all arose because in the past couple weeks I have been a little sick and off. The question arose that maybe I was pregnant. DH's first words were well, we'll take care of it, meaning heading off to a clinic. Well, that conversation stemmed off into a full discussion about children and his desire not to have any. I know his reasons for not wanting them, and its not money, living situation or anything like that, it is pure selfishness. He has turned into a very selfish person since being married. He seems to have turned into a little follower since marriage and since all his married friends have no children and don't want any, neither does he.However, he knew before being married that children was something I would not sacrifice in my life and now all this is thrown out there. Well, I will not be taking a preganacy test because with the situation right now I don't want to know, but in time if it turns out I am, I will tell him and depending on his reaction, either we'll be happily starting a family or unhappily filing for divorce because there is no way in H E L L I would ever get get and abortion and like I told him, if I am, I have absolutely no problem raising my child on my own!!
If he is willing to go, I think you guys should consider counseling. If he doesn't want to go, perhaps you should consider going on your own. I personally would have more of a problem with a husband that would expect me to terminate a pregnancy, if he knew I wanted children badly than if he told me he had changed his mind about having children.
Sorry you are going through this.
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| Posted 7/21/05 4:00 PM |
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unknown1
****
Member since 5/05 2771 total posts
Name:
lisa
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Leeners
Wow. You guys have made this thread completely about yourselves!!!!!!!! The poster has written again only to be ignored for a number of posts while everyone else argues out their own issues.
BabyBlues - I am truly sorry for the situation that you are in right now. I admire your strength and wish you the best of luck with this.
My bad I read it wrong
Message edited 7/21/2005 4:34:18 PM.
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| Posted 7/21/05 4:33 PM |
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Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn
Member since 5/05 27567 total posts
Name:
Janice
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Leeners
Wow. You guys have made this thread completely about yourselves!!!!!!!! The poster has written again only to be ignored for a number of posts while everyone else argues out their own issues.
BabyBlues - I am truly sorry for the situation that you are in right now. I admire your strength and wish you the best of luck with this.
The question was WHAT WOULD YOU DO???????
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| Posted 7/21/05 4:35 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
Name:
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
BabyBlues - I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Even if this is just a phase and your DH does come back around (which he may) - what a painful thing to put someone through!
In my case the church I got married in also cites this as a valid reason to annul a marriage. Meaning changing your mind about having children after marriage IS a deal breaker, and I tend to agree. HOWEVER, I do think an issue (this is a serious one) like this needs alot of time and work devoted to it. You can't just walk away from the marriage. What would *I* personally do? I would give it some time, maybe 2-3 years even (given that you have that much time) maybe more - and see if my DH didn't come around or if I didn't begin to feel the same as he did. I would seek counseling for both of us. Unless he completely shut down and just closed the door on TTC discussion altogether. If that were the case, then like Red said, I wouldn't sit around trying to convince someone to want kids. You just can't do that and have a good outcome. That's a personal desire a person has to have within themselves, IMO.
You mentioned his other married friends who don't have kids and claim they don't want any. Some guys are really so susceptible to peer pressure like this and it sounds like your DH might be falling into this. He may just need time to outgrow this.
Either way, good luck and I really hope the two of you can work this out. Hugs to you because I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.
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| Posted 7/21/05 4:54 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by BabyBlues
but in time if it turns out I am, I will tell him and depending on his reaction, either we'll be happily starting a family or unhappily filing for divorce because there is no way in H E L L I would ever get get and abortion and like I told him, if I am, I have absolutely no problem raising my child on my own!!
Im so sorry I have to agree with you...my decision would be the same...I would leave before my DH EVER forced me into an abortion!!!!!
Im not in the situation...so Im sure its easier said then done...but I agree with Red...DIVORCE would be my end result...
As far as the situation as a whole:Having kids is something VERY VERY important to me...and being pg now..I feel what an amazing experience it is... No man would take that away from me!
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| Posted 7/21/05 4:59 PM |
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MrsJ
I love my Katie Bug
Member since 5/05 11357 total posts
Name:
Kathy
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Maybe counseling....if it didnt work and he didnt change his mind I guess divorce. I hate to even say that but I want kids...period.
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| Posted 7/21/05 5:16 PM |
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neenie
Member since 5/05 22351 total posts
Name:
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by BabyAvocado
BabyBlues - I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Even if this is just a phase and your DH does come back around (which he may) - what a painful thing to put someone through!
In my case the church I got married in also cites this as a valid reason to annul a marriage. Meaning changing your mind about having children after marriage IS a deal breaker, and I tend to agree. HOWEVER, I do think an issue (this is a serious one) like this needs alot of time and work devoted to it. You can't just walk away from the marriage. What would *I* personally do? I would give it some time, maybe 2-3 years even (given that you have that much time) maybe more - and see if my DH didn't come around or if I didn't begin to feel the same as he did. I would seek counseling for both of us. Unless he completely shut down and just closed the door on TTC discussion altogether. If that were the case, then like Red said, I wouldn't sit around trying to convince someone to want kids. You just can't do that and have a good outcome. That's a personal desire a person has to have within themselves, IMO.
You mentioned his other married friends who don't have kids and claim they don't want any. Some guys are really so susceptible to peer pressure like this and it sounds like your DH might be falling into this. He may just need time to outgrow this.
Either way, good luck and I really hope the two of you can work this out. Hugs to you because I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.
Well said.
Babyblues- Im soo sorry for the situation that you're in. I dont think that your DH was necessarily lying when he said he originally wanted to have kids, b/c i can tell you first hand, DH and I both go back and forth about if we definately want them, and although sometimes i Totally think that i do, other times, I'm not so sure (and same for my DH). However, if we ever did get PG, we dont have any doubt whatsoever about keeping it, and as much as i teeter-totter about if i want them or not, If i were PG and DH even mentioned getting an abortion, i would be devastated- and i'm so sorry that you even had to experience That. I would definately talk to him asap (otherwise its just going to keep brewing within you)... and find out his reasons- more importantly- find out if he realizes how severe his words/ actions are about this topic.
Best of luck 
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| Posted 7/21/05 5:55 PM |
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Redhead
You Live, You Learn
Member since 5/05 31871 total posts
Name:
Jennifer
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
Posted by Leeners
Wow. You guys have made this thread completely about yourselves!!!!!!!! The poster has written again only to be ignored for a number of posts while everyone else argues out their own issues.
BabyBlues - I am truly sorry for the situation that you are in right now. I admire your strength and wish you the best of luck with this.
all about me? No i didn't. THis thread was asking us what WE WOULD DO...hence the title. So i stated what i would do. AND actually personally FMed BabyBlues myself to talk about HER!
So please don't tell me i ignored anyone.
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| Posted 7/21/05 6:06 PM |
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btrflygrl
me and baby #3!
Member since 5/05 12013 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????
SUCH A DEAL BREAKER! In the beginning, DH said he didn't want kids (YET) and then all it took was one of his best friends having their first for him to want one
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| Posted 7/21/05 7:10 PM |
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