WWYD - wedding gift related - UPDATE on pg 3

My cousin is getting married on Saturday and DH and I are attending, but we're really conflicted about how much to give (or to give anything at all for that matter).

Backstory: DH and I got married 5 years ago and my cousin attended with his girlfriend (now fiance). They gave a card with nothing in it. All of my other cousins (his brothers, etc) who came gave a check - and they all gave the same amount. Cousin is not struggling for money. He's not making a ton by any means, but he's also not struggling. They live comfortably, so I don't believe this had anything to do with not being in a financial place to give a gift. At the time I thought it was strange and I mentioned it to my mom, who mentioned it to her sister (cousin's mom) who was shocked and spoke to cousin who said he totally forgot to put the check in the envelope and would send it to us. For clarification - I did NOT ask my mom to say anything and frankly I would have been fine just letting it go at the time, but since she did say something, I was kind of annoyed that he never did send the check. 5 years later we have never received a gift, nor an apology, nor any sort of recognition that it even happened. All of my cousins and I are close and we all see each other multiple times a year for various birthdays and holidays, so he definitely could have handed it to us at some point.

Last year we had a big 1st birthday for our daughter and invited all my cousins/aunts/uncles. This same cousin didnt RSVP. So, a week before the party I was following up with people who didnt RSVP and I texted cousin and his fiance to find out if they were coming. No response from either of them. They never showed up, never sent a gift (which was fine, we werent expecting one), never said Happy Birthday to us or our daughter, and has not even acknowledged any of this in the 10 times we've seen them since then. His mom (my aunt) and his brother, both were at the party and chipped in together for a gift and were surprised to hear he didnt answer my text when I tried to find out if they were coming.

So, fast forward to now...the wedding. DH is really pissed about it and feels if it had just been the one time snub at our wedding it wouldn't be an issue at all. But combine that with not even having the common courtesy to RSVP or respond to a text when I reached out to ask if they were coming...and then to pretend like nothing and not even say "hey, sorry for not getting back to you about emily's party, we've been really swamped. hope she had a great time" next time they saw us....he absolutely doesn't want to give a gift.
I'm torn because I agree with him really, but I'm VERY close to my Aunt (cousin's mom) and I feel like we should give a gift out of respect for her. But DH made the point that cousin and his fiance are not paying a cent for this wedding. The bride's family is paying. So, he feels like it has no impact on my aunt whether or not we give a gift.

WWYD? I'm super torn here. I know we should be the bigger people and give a gift, but at the same time, we just keep getting snubbed and I feel like I want to make a point...

Message edited 11/2/2018 11:19:23 AM.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

I'd give what I normally give... while muttering under my breath about it. I see your DH's point but that's not why you give a gift... not because you expect one in return.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Ugh I see what he is saying and TECHNICALLY yes, I agree with him, BUT i know myself, I couldn't go to a wedding with no gift.
I might give LESS than I normally would if I were pretty upset with them, but maybe not even that.

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

WWYD - wedding gift related

I would give a much smaller gift than I would have under normal circumstances, plus knowing me hardly speak to them at the wedding and any other upcoming events lol

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Honestly I’d be REALLY tempted to give a card with no check in it and write “Congratulations! I’m so sorry we totally forgot to put your check in the envelope. We will send it to you!” ... (just like he said to you 5 years ago) ... and then do just as he did and never send it That would DEFINITELY send a message... and How could anyone fault you?
Not sure if I’d go through with it.... I just might if I were feeling particularly ballsy.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

This would so put a bug up my butt. I would feel like your husband. It's rude. I would still give a gift but not what I would normally give. Maybe throw them $100 and call it a day.

WWYD - wedding gift related

Not sure I would even have accepted the invite and I agree with your husband. Did you go to the bridal shower?
I would give a small amount, maybe $100 but I remember everything and not acknowledging my kid would upset me and bring out the mama bear.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by NervousNell

Ugh I see what he is saying and TECHNICALLY yes, I agree with him, BUT i know myself, I couldn't go to a wedding with no gift.
I might give LESS than I normally would if I were pretty upset with them, but maybe not even that.

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

WWYD - wedding gift related

I would give something. Maybe not as much as you normally give, but something.

He really could have forgotten to send the check and as far as the birthday party, I feel like he may not get the significance of a first birthday party. It’s irritating for sure, but it sounds like he’s clueless, not malicious.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

I think it would be acceptable to just give a card. I would think your cousin would definitely get the reasoning.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Yeah the more I think about it, the more it irks me that it is 100% ok to be classless or clueless or rude or whatever but it's NOT ok to do the same back to someone.
It's always- "well take the high road, be the bigger person, oh you can't do that."
Yet they can do it to you and it's fine.

I feel like if more people (myself included) were ballsier and gave it right back, maybe others would think twice about things.

I don't know- I'm just rambling....

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by NervousNell

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by NervousNell

Yeah the more I think about it, the more it irks me that it is 100% ok to be classless or clueless or rude or whatever but it's NOT ok to do the same back to someone.
It's always- "well take the high road, be the bigger person, oh you can't do that."
Yet they can do it to you and it's fine.

I feel like if more people (myself included) were ballsier and gave it right back, maybe others would think twice about things.

I don't know- I'm just rambling....

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Posted by NervousNell

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

DH didn't want to go at all. The only reason we're going is because this is such a big day for my Aunt (she honestly thought her kids would never get married) and it means a lot to her. She's come to everything for me throughout my life and I know it would really upset her if we didn't come to her son's wedding.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Posted by NervousNell

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

DH didn't want to go at all. The only reason we're going is because this is such a big day for my Aunt (she honestly thought her kids would never get married) and it means a lot to her. She's come to everything for me throughout my life and I know it would really upset her if we didn't come to her son's wedding.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by NervousNell

Yeah the more I think about it, the more it irks me that it is 100% ok to be classless or clueless or rude or whatever but it's NOT ok to do the same back to someone.
It's always- "well take the high road, be the bigger person, oh you can't do that."
Yet they can do it to you and it's fine.

I feel like if more people (myself included) were ballsier and gave it right back, maybe others would think twice about things.

I don't know- I'm just rambling....

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

I would be too uncomfortable at the wedding knowing that I hadn't brought a gift. I would give a normal gift and try not to think about it

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Posted by NervousNell

Yeah the more I think about it, the more it irks me that it is 100% ok to be classless or clueless or rude or whatever but it's NOT ok to do the same back to someone.
It's always- "well take the high road, be the bigger person, oh you can't do that."
Yet they can do it to you and it's fine.

I feel like if more people (myself included) were ballsier and gave it right back, maybe others would think twice about things.

I don't know- I'm just rambling....

No, I agree...and this is kind of what DH was trying to say. We're always overly nice in our families and we try to always smooth things over and not create waves. And for the most part, everyone gets along. In the past we've chalked it up to the fact that this particular cousin, who is the 3rd oldest out of all of us (me being the oldest), is just very immature for his age and doesn't "get it". But he's 32 years old and at this point I feel like enough is enough. Grow up, stop being immature and selfish, and learn that it's not okay to treat people like crap but expect them to always treat you like gold. If you're going to treat people poorly, they're eventually going to treat you that way. I can only give so many chances or make so many excuses before I feel like he's never going to learn unless he's put in someone else's shoes and I'm tired of being nice and getting walked all over. Why should I dish out $300 for your wedding when you can't even respond to a simple text message saying "sorry cant make it"?

But I know I'm still going to feel bad if I hand them a card with nothing in it. I'm mad and I want to make a point, but I also just feel like it's such a mean thing to do that I'm not sure if I can go through with it .

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

I would give much less than I would normally give to a cousin that I am close to. I would probably give $150. And I would not attend any of their future events.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by Sash

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Posted by NervousNell

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

DH didn't want to go at all. The only reason we're going is because this is such a big day for my Aunt (she honestly thought her kids would never get married) and it means a lot to her. She's come to everything for me throughout my life and I know it would really upset her if we didn't come to her son's wedding.

So definitely give a gift. For your aunt and it seems like you guys are close even though her son likes an @ss.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

I wouldn't have RSVP yes to the wedding.

My standard gift is $75-$100 per person when going to a wedding (yes I know I am cheap compared to most on here but I think the whole covering your plate is an absolute ridiculous concept)

for this wedding based on my standard gift I would give $150

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Posted by Sash

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Posted by NervousNell

Honestly though, if they were that assholeish to me over and over, I probably would decline the wedding.
But I"m petty like that.

DH didn't want to go at all. The only reason we're going is because this is such a big day for my Aunt (she honestly thought her kids would never get married) and it means a lot to her. She's come to everything for me throughout my life and I know it would really upset her if we didn't come to her son's wedding.

So definitely give a gift. For your aunt and it seems like you guys are close even though her son likes an @ss.

Yes, you are right, we are very close. The whole family talks and I agree, if he told his mom that I didn't give a gift she would definitely be upset and hurt. I could see it creating waves, which, with my cousin I don't really care at this point, but that's not my intention at all towards my Aunt. I keep telling DH that we're going for my aunt and uncle, not for cousin. Hopefully I can convince him that we need to give a gift for her sake as well.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

I think since you accepted the invitation to the wedding, you need to give a gift.

Regardless of what happened in the past, you agreed to go celebrate their day (whether out of respect for your aunt and the rest of the family, or because you really wanted to be there). I would go without a grudge and try to have a good time, treating it as any other family wedding. I would take the high road and be gracious and give a gift. Unfortunately, gift-giving and receiving is not always an equal equation... some people are more thoughtful and generous than others. But I wouldn't make this an eye-for-an-eye situation.

It sounds like you and your DH have some issues with your cousin and his fiancee's past behavior - and they seem justified - but I think going to the wedding and not giving a gift is a passive-aggressive way to deal with them and is more likely to start WW III in your family than really deal with it.

I would say the best options would be -

a) don't make an effort with this cousin anymore in terms of attending his events or inviting him to your events;

b) address the issue head-on - maybe focusing on the more recent birthday party lack of rsvp and gift - just saying that it surprised you and hurt your feelings, and just try to clear the air (if this is a close relative and you value the relationship); or

c) accept that this cousin is inconsiderate and just ignore his selfish ways for the sake of family peace. Honestly, I feel like there is at least one person in every family who is this way... doesn't rsvp or send gifts or have basic courtesy for others in the family. Sometimes people are just clueless or sometimes self-centered, but either way, they aren't likely to change.

Re: WWYD - wedding gift related

You see, I see things differently. When did weddings become all about the money. For my wedding, I had people who attended and didn't gift anything and I honestly didn't care. I was happy to have all my family there. I of course would never go to a wedding without a gift. Why would I lower myself to their same level. Gift what you can and go enjoy yourself.