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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
The very reason I'm in this situation right now and not with a nutty 2yr old running around my house is because things go well until it isn't anymore..........
I've been conditioned over the years to live with my tail between my legs (how's that for a cat reference?) from appointment to appointment and just hope that things don't go downhill at the next one.
For those of you who have perfected that thing I've heard about called optimism   how do you do it??
I'm not kidding. The anxiety over the "what ifs" is making me feel sick inside....... and the paranoia that good news will be short lived (as it always has been) is giving me the urge to kick something.
My dh says nothing ever works out until it does  I just hope this time it does, and I'm ready to jump out of my skin with the idea of anything else!! 
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Posted 9/4/12 10:51 PM  |
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DitD
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/12 650 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I have only been at this 16 months, so I am fairly new, but I have a lot of experience with sh!t luck. It is sort of my thing. Whenever I think things are going well, I get kicked in the butt with something bad. I joke God has his finger stuck on the DitD smite button.
What gets me through? Faith. I just have faith that this is the path I am suppose to take in life. That it will make a stronger person, a more compassionate listener, and a better human. I have faith that God is guiding me on this crazy journey. That life isn't about the destination, but about the road you take there.
I have developed anxiety through IF, but I try my best to count my blessing every day, and remember that they are endless because I have my health, food on the table, and roof over my head.
I don't know if I am a optimist or a realist. But I know in my heart you will get your baby. I just feel it. 
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| Posted 9/4/12 11:08 PM |
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Wishes1111
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/10 853 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I personally think you're very optimistic especially considering all you've been through. Your attitude for me has always been inspiring. With that said, I can only suggest to you what I'm still trying to get better at which is to constantly remind myself that thinking the worst and fearing it doesn't make it any easier no matter what the outcome is & that it's important through this journey of infertility, to really enjoy the "happy" moments. Hope for the best and expect the best! I wish you all the luck in the world and hope we will all be experiencing the happy ending to this infertility journey very soon!!
Message edited 9/4/2012 11:18:58 PM.
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| Posted 9/4/12 11:12 PM |
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maybemommy10
Big Brothers to Be !
Member since 2/10 3868 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Posted by Wishes1111
I personally think you're very optimistic especially considering all you've been through. Your attitude for me has always been inspiring. With that said, I can only suggest to you what I'm still trying to get better at which is to constantly remind myself that thinking the worst and fearing it doesn't make it any easier no matter what the outcome is & that it's important through this journey of infertility, to really enjoy the "happy" moments. Hope for the best and expect the best! I wish you all the luck in the world and hope we will all be experiencing the happy ending to this infertility journey very soon!!
^^^ This is good advice. Also, I know its easier said than done, but when i was going through it, I felt throwing myself into work/gym/friends really helped take my mind off it a little. SO instead of obsessing 24 hrs a day, it was 22  Do something you enjoy, sourround yourself with positive happy people. AND animals! its hard to be sad when a puppy (cat) is licking your face. I know i know "distraction" is a far fetched idea, but every little bit helps. You need to FORCE yourself sometimes. We are always happy to have visitors
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| Posted 9/4/12 11:29 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
My dh says nothing ever works out until it does......i have to agree with him 100 percent
i think when u r going through IF it is hard to have any optimism until u get pregnant and it lasts for a bit...then u worry...i worry every hour of every day,waiting for the other shoe to drop
even the nurse told me to stop
for what it is worth i think u have been amazing during your journey..gracious,helpful and all the things i never was
the "what if" is a hard question bc we really do not know...
all i said to myself was hope and faith..it is what we held onto and hoped and prayed for the best
imo the paranoia never goes away,at least for me it does not, and then when u become a parent it just manifests into another form of worry
being positive is so hard when so much has been taken away, i have tried not to let anything overshadow this pregnancy ..like my fear over the feeling of gratitude
i have been puking since day 1 and now at almost 27 weeks i still come out of the toilet smiling...i am crazy yes...but i will never ever forget crying myself to sleep at night asking god why not me?
i do not take this pregnancy lightly,i know how lucky we are and i also know every step we take closer to them being here someone is still behind me fighting this fight
i wish ih ad better words of advice on how to stay positive and be optimistic but what ic an tell u is that you are inspiring to us,to all of us and we are always here to support you,so as dh holdsy our hand while you two are on this path together,you have all of us holding the other
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| Posted 9/4/12 11:32 PM |
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When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I think you are an amazing person! Your strength is undeniable. I have never stopped worrying honestly but prayer and my family have helped me tremendously!
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| Posted 9/5/12 3:01 AM |
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AngnShaun
Sisters
Member since 1/10 21015 total posts
Name:
Ang
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When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I agree with everyone else, i always figured you for the optimist.... Maybe its because you can joke about it, i dont know... but i have another group of people that i talk to that have had losses and sometimes i talk about you lol in a good way of course!!!! and they all agree with me that youre the strongest person ever!!! I mean that from the bottom of my heart!!!
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| Posted 9/5/12 9:34 AM |
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CindySN23
Stop, Think & Breathe...
Member since 8/11 3550 total posts
Name:
Cindy
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I just got my optimism back...well it has resurfaced since it was always there I think...I totally feel the anxiety but you have to look at it like this...you and your surrogate are doing anything & everything possible to make this baby come true...I dont think the anxiety will ever lessen but you will manage it cause you are a super strong woman or a super cat, lol!! Image Attachment(s):
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| Posted 9/5/12 11:57 AM |
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FlowerWife
Positive Vibrations...
Member since 1/08 8423 total posts
Name:
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When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
you just make the conscious choice to be positive. in IF you have very little choice in what happens and there is almost nothing you can control. how you see it and how you act is the one thing you do have the power to change. embrace that.
for what its worth, after i got out of the first tri, although i was nervous, i enjoyed being pregnant. once i got to the third tri and past the 24 week viability, i really believed that i would have a baby and i stopped being nervous about staying pregnant and started getting nervous and being a mom. i never thought for a second at that point that my pregnancy would be in jeopardy. as you know, less than 10 weeks later my pregnancy went downhill at record speed and i ended up delivering a preemie. i spent tons of time and energy being nervous about the first trimester, and everything was perfect. i spent NO time or energy being nervous about delivering early, and it happened. your nervousness will not change a thing about what will happen. so you can spend your time being nervous and worrying about things you can't change, or you can choose to focus on anything else. the outcome won't change, only your perspective.
all of that being said, i do not blame you for the nervousness or paranoia. just know that even if you don't believe a word im saying, you DO have the power to change your perspective; you might have to dig deeper than you ever have, but it's definitely possible. it's like the saying goes, you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option.
and when all else fails, there's always coldstone ! i love you PC!
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| Posted 9/5/12 12:27 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I am soooo bookmarking this thread.... I can't thank you ladies enough. I feel like my first year of this was filled with hope. My second year was filled with entitlement (i.e. I've been through hell and deserve to get my baby, therefore I will)  Yeahhh it don't work that way! .. And as for year three..... it's just exhausting and this feeling of being mentally getting bowling balls thrown at me every time I try to get myself to stand back up.
I just have a hard time believing at this pint that good news can continue to go well... that we will take home our baby in 9 months... and that I too can be a success story like the rest of my previously infertile friends!!
My goal just has to be living in the moment. A fellow LIFer told me recently that my life can no longer live in the long term... that right now it's just week to week. It's SO hard to live by that rule, but it's the only way to stay sane. TODAY there is good news. Gd only knows what tomorrow will bring, but one lesson I've learned throughout all this is how important it is to embrace being able to say "TODAY .. things are right where they should be".....
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| Posted 9/5/12 12:45 PM |
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BA2008
Need to find some hope!
Member since 2/08 2485 total posts
Name:
Beth -Ann
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Well...coming from someone who has probably been at this longer(and much older) and has had just as much bad luck as you (though not really comparing)...THERAPY! lol....
No seriously...I would be in a mental institution by now if not for my hypnotherapist who specializes in IF. As it took her 7 yrs to have her DD (the other two came around naturally...so crazy how that happens). So she really gets it. We do meditation as well as therapy. she actually makes me my own personalized meditation recordings to do on my own. They REALLY help me stay calm and centered when things start to get really stressful.
Though I seem fine till i have to "go into the office for monitoring". Cause that is where it all goes bad.
Each cycle is very scary, especially when you start to go into alternative areas beyond what most people have to do. Its stress about the money being spent and still where you are at, and what you thought would happen vs. what really did happen etc..... And trying to come to terms with all that and accepting it and still trying. No one said it would be easy but no one said it would be this difficult either.
So, I guess what I'm saying if you haven't gone this route yet...I highly recommend it.
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| Posted 9/5/12 12:47 PM |
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YOLO13
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/08 669 total posts
Name:
Unlisted
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When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Being a very controlling person over my life, I completely know what you are going through. Everything in the past was up to me to decide. What job I got, where i lived, how much money i wanted to make, what type of friends i had, what car i drove, who i dated and who i married. I always believed that being in 'shape' eating healthy and taking my vitamins, sleeping 8 hours and exercising, was the key to success  ...until this! I have NO control over anything with this process besides the way i interpret the decisions that are being made by the doctor and how i handle it from there. No amount of worrying or being anxious will help this situation and actually, it will only make it worse. Until I started to realize that it was 99% out of my control, I was exactly where you were. But, every now and again, my levels of fear increase and i break down...but thank god for a loving and supportive husband who picks me right back up where i need to be! I do have faith this will all turn out how its supposed to be 
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| Posted 9/5/12 12:49 PM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
it is SO hard not to worry but remember, your worrying won't change anything. it will only drive you insane
hugs!
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| Posted 9/5/12 12:56 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Posted by BA2008
Each cycle is very scary, especially when you start to go into alternative areas beyond what most people have to do. Its stress about the money being spent and still where you are at, and what you thought would happen vs. what really did happen etc..... And trying to come to terms with all that and accepting it and still trying. No one said it would be easy but no one said it would be this difficult either.
This is so true!! You try an alternate route and have this idea in your head that your problems will be solved.
When I called up my agency for the first time, she said "When you choose surrogacy what you're saying is you want someone to take your problem and fix it for you" .... I started crying right there on the phone because that is EXACTLY how I felt.
I think it's similar to when you move on from unmedicated to medicated cycles.. from TI to IUI ... from IUI to IVF.. etc... you just have this idea that it SHOULD work because it's a road you haven't traveled yet.
Message edited 9/5/2012 1:11:03 PM.
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| Posted 9/5/12 1:09 PM |
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Otherme
Square head cutie pants
Member since 3/06 6899 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Posted by FlowerWife
.. i spent tons of time and energy being nervous about the first trimester, and everything was perfect. i spent NO time or energy being nervous about delivering early, and it happened. your nervousness will not change a thing about what will happen. so you can spend your time being nervous and worrying about things you can't change, or you can choose to focus on anything else. the outcome won't change, only your perspective.
I know i haven't been on here in a while PennyCat, but i do come and see how you're doing and to offer up support for all the IF ladies.
What FlowerWife posted above sums it up perfectly for me
Your worrying, anxiety, nervousness etc doesn't change the outcome at all. I agree that if you can, try to take all that energy and time you spend dwelling on the what if's and try to let it go. Whether you do that through therapy or acupuncture or yoga, or surrounding yourself with a million cats! whatever stress reliever/relaxer method works for you.
You have to choose to be positive, despite all the shit you've been through.. It's how you survive and pull through. worrying is a vicious cycle.. it never ends and just keeps piling up and feeding on itself. Since you don't have control over what happens, you have to focus on how you handle it.. and stay sane
Message edited 9/5/2012 5:04:21 PM.
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| Posted 9/5/12 5:02 PM |
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allIwant
Love my crazy life!
Member since 1/10 9170 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I am sure it is hard for you to stay positive sometimes but I like what you said "live for today" and on the "todays" when you are feeling negative or down, remember you have hundreds of friends/strangers on LIF always thinking positive for you!
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| Posted 9/5/12 9:26 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Thanks ladies.. It's weird going through this with a surrogate because just when you think a lining is the most important thing in the world to you and your dh ... you realize that there's this woman out there who is just as crazy obsessed with that lining as you are She's awesome...
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| Posted 9/5/12 10:18 PM |
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KMCGK
Gotta have faith
Member since 7/09 2176 total posts
Name:
Keep the Faith
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
We've talked about this before, so I'm sure you know how I feel! I agree with Sara 100% on this one!
I'd also like to add these song lyrics....
A bf of mine had me listen to this last year when I was having on of my many melt downs. Yesterday, as we pulled into the hospital to make our 3rd visit of the day to the NICU, the song came on. A gentle reminder to always keep the faith.
I can almost see it That dream I am dreaming But there's a voice inside my head saying "You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it But these are the moments that I'm gonna remember most, yeah Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain I'm always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be an uphill battle Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing Keep the faith, baby It's all about, it's all about the climb Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
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| Posted 9/6/12 9:25 AM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I agree with the girls...
You need to get yourself busy doing something you enjoy. My grandmother always said (which is easier said than done) dont waste good energy worrying over something you have no control over. Staying positive is a state of mind. You choose how you want to be...
We have very different stories but there is a constant, we have both been disappointed MANY times, too many to count (even though we know exactly how many).
I worried about not being able to get pregnant...
then getting pregnant...
Then I worried about staying pregnant...
Then I worried about having a healthy baby...
Then I said it was in Gods hands and then I worried about delivering...
then i worried about dying and my baby dying during delivery...having placenta accreta, a premie with PFO at 36wks. losing 6 pts. of blood, 4 transfusions, surrounded by 5 specialists and a team of 20+ nurses, dr.s...thankfully we both lived to tell the story and are healthy :)
and now that Im finally a Mom, I worry about Thomas constantly...about everything...
then we worried about not being able to have another baby but were grateful to have the one we do...
and then the same thing happened as above...
now I fear that Im going to have the same issues with this pregnancy that I did with Thomas... you never really stop worrying or fearing what if...but your worries and what ifs change in time...
I guess what I am saying is that you need to take it one day at a time. Have faith that there is something "bigger" in store for you...and once your holding that baby in your arms you will look back and it will ALL be worth every tear, every everything you had to do to get to this point...these past 2 years will look like a distant memory and you'll do it ALL OVER AGAIN in a heartbeat for your little miracle.
Have a montra...say it every morning, everyday and every night...make a vision board, put post it notes all over your house so that you have no choice but to read these positive affirmations and stay positive...being negative and dwelling on the worst is not helping...so change your perspective on things...
I know your a SAHW, maybe volunteer somewhere (animal shelter down the block from you) since you love your cats...
Im always home too if you need to get out, go shopping, anything...:)
keep your chin up...your time will come...
My belief is that God (whoever he is to you) has a plan...unfortnuately, it is not the same as ours but when He decides to place a baby in our life it will be the perfect time for us...
Trust and believe you are at the point in your life where you should be and the point you are going to will get here when it needs to...
xoxox julie
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| Posted 9/6/12 12:06 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Thanks to both of you .. Kelley, I always think of this journey when I hear that song. It's definitely very fitting! .. And Julie it's so true that every step of the way we will worry about something new. I told myself (no, PROMISED myself) that I wouldn't be nutty this time around and I would just let go of the control I never had in the first place and just let it be. Well .... we are only cycling now and I already have my surrogate avoiding caffeine and green peas, and loading up on red fruits and pomegranate juice!!   I told her I made a promise with myself that I wouldn't be crazy so she shouldn't be either ... but I'm not so sure I make that point well enough when I follow it up with "but still, if you like pomegranate juice, drink up!"  
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| Posted 9/6/12 2:45 PM |
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stargazerlily
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 706 total posts
Name:
Lara
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When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I 100% percent agree with the women on this board about your strength and your outlook on IF and life in general. You have not only been going through your own journey, but at the same time helping others through theirs.
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| Posted 9/6/12 8:57 PM |
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
I know I have siad it before, and it isn't a popular answer, but once I let it all go and just accepted that it wasn't in my hands. Once I came to terms with the big "What if it doesn't happen" my world changed. I didn't give up, just changed my expectations. I became close to being "me" again.
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| Posted 9/7/12 5:42 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Posted by BaseballWidow
I know I have siad it before, and it isn't a popular answer, but once I let it all go and just accepted that it wasn't in my hands. Once I came to terms with the big "What if it doesn't happen" my world changed. I didn't give up, just changed my expectations. I became close to being "me" again.
I totally understand having the perspective... I just can't allow myself to think that this will end with me being a mom to ONLY cats The one thing that keeps me sane is reminding myself that SOMEDAY ... I don't know how ... I don't know when ... I will be a mom. It's the not knowing how and when part that makes me  I never realized what a control nut I can be until I started trying to have a baby.
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| Posted 9/7/12 5:49 PM |
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Posted by PennyCat
It's the not knowing how and when part that makes me I never realized what a control nut I can be until I started trying to have a baby.
I remember early on, say a year in, saying to DH, if I just knew WHEN it would happen, even if it's 10 years from now, I wouldn't care...the waiting is the worse part. I totally admire your drive. I think towrd the end my age really starting playing a huge role in where I was at. I honestly could not see myself as a first time mom at 40+ so I finally had to have an end came. Guess I got the cosmos to call my bluff!
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| Posted 9/7/12 5:54 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: When (or should I say.. HOW) do you stop fearing the worst?
Posted by BaseballWidow
Posted by PennyCat
It's the not knowing how and when part that makes me I never realized what a control nut I can be until I started trying to have a baby.
I remember early on, say a year in, saying to DH, if I just knew WHEN it would happen, even if it's 10 years from now, I wouldn't care...the waiting is the worse part. I totally admire your drive. I think towrd the end my age really starting playing a huge role in where I was at. I honestly could not see myself as a first time mom at 40+ so I finally had to have an end came. Guess I got the cosmos to call my bluff!
Honestly sometimes I think *not* knowing could work to our advantage... and... I ONLY say that because if you told me 3 years ago that 3 years later I'd be making silent prayers on some else's uterus...
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I don't even know what I would say. 
I think all the constant hope that the next cycle will be it, is what helps to move forward in one piece. Ahhhh this time it has to be true though.
eta: you should post some updated pics of your dd! 
Message edited 9/7/2012 5:59:53 PM.
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| Posted 9/7/12 5:59 PM |
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