Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I'm just curious if it's pregnancy hormones, or maybe I'm truly being ungrateful as DH says I am being...but I'm still soooo ticked off about this.

Here's the deal:

My sister threw DH and I a co-ed shower on Saturday and it was great. All of our family and friends showed up and we received tons of gifts and blessings and wellwishes...with ONE exception:

his bro/SIL gifted us a random bag of stuff that we're pretty sure were all re-gifted items. We're talking a random package of nipples where the packaging was all damaged, a store-brought blanket with no store tag on it, clothing from several different stores (and some out-of-season), etc. They also didn't even bother with a card and just scribbled their names on the outside of the gift bag so we knew it was from them.

Yesterday, we were sorting through the gifts and I just lost it---I pointed out to DH that I thought it was BS this his brother just threw together random items for us and DH just shrugged and said it was probably leftover stuff they didnt use from their ODD (who is now 4). He shrugged it off with a "at least they weren't used."

For their shower and sprinkle, I bought them gifts and clothing that were def $$. Not that I expected them to spend the same amount on us, but I think we deserved at least a trip to the store...or a "new" item. We're first time parents (who went through a mc last year) and they're certainly not in any financial constraints. I'm furious that it felt like we were an afterthought to them and am even more mad that DH doesn't seem bothered we're treated this way.

So...tell me I'm wrong and I'm overreacting and maybe I'll just simmer/stew and let it go, like DH wants me to....but a HUGE part of me doesn't want to let it go and I'd LOVE to address it becuz I think it's a really cruddy thing to do to family.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I'd be upset. Even if it was something inexpensive but thoughtful it would be okay. It's always the thought that counts and it doesn't seem like they put any thought into the gift. As for your DH, my guess is that he just wants to diffuse the situation so that you're not angry with his family. What men don't realize is if they don't acknowledge our feelings, it only upsets us more!

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I get why you're upset, but I think you need to try to let it go for everyone's sake. Especially your DH's sake. What is the point in confronting them on this? It would just not end up well, imo.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I would be upset. I agree with you, but like the pp said confronting him would only make things worse. Just let it go, there is no need to stress. Its bad for you and the baby

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I wouldn't address it with them, but I'd be upset as well. It seems like a slap in the face when it is someone we care for and they do some thing that seems as they don't care, just had to do because.

I have had things given to me that other moms have not used. But given in the sense that I knew that, they told me. But I also have received a gift they thought I couldn't do without on top of the unused stuff!!!

Let it slide, be grateful for what do did get and if they have another child give them what you didn't use! (just kidding, no tit for tat!)

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Thanks..i know the RIGHT thing to do is just let it go..it'll be easier for all...but it's just not right and not fair!

I'd love to be able to call them out on it ---- that's not how you treat people, and definitely not how you treat family. I feel like if I don't say anything, they're getting away with it or that they'll think it's OK for them to do stuff like that. I really, really want DH to stand up for himself, or for me and our LO.

(DH's SIL is pregnant w/#3 and due in nov and my MIL is already talking about throwing her another sprinkle. I'd LOVE to do the same thing back to them, but that just feels wrong and it's not like the child did anything.)

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

You have a right to feel upset, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. Or if you tried to, it would only make things worse between you and your DH as well as worse between you two and your BIL/SIL. So, when I am in a similar situation, I get upset, vent about it and then promptly get over it. My shower was this Saturday too and my BIL and his girlfriend didn't even come up to me and say hello when they arrived. They walked straight to the bar to some of the other family members and avoided me. I tried to say hi but they kept turning their backs to me literally. It wasn't until almost 1 full hour into the party when we were on the buffet line when I got to approach them and said you didn't even want to say hello to me? (there was a short barrier wall between us at that point so we couldn't like walk towards each other) but they were like oh, we tried to wave and say hello and they started to wave at me. I was so annoyed and puzzled. Wave hello? 1 hour into the party? Why couldn't I even be greeted properly? I complained to DH and he too was like... "whatever"... he wasn't concerned. But it really, really pissed me off. There is nothing I can do about it. They got us 3 books that they bought on clearance (they left the tags on) and you know what? I was disappointed but I was even more disappointed that they didn't even have the effort to say hello to me.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I dont think your wrong AT ALL for feeling the way you feel... I think men have a habit of trying to dismiss our feelings, BUT in their mind they think they are diffusing a bad situation by telling us were over reacting...

With this said, I dont think any good can come out of confronting them because in their mind, they gave you a gift and to them they think they put thought into it... As crazy as that sounds, they really do think that. So confronting them would lead to no where good for you...

I say take it as a lesson learned. It doesnt mean you have to do it back to them with future presents, BUT what it means is when you do have to give them a present, dont spend a lot of $ or time or thought and dont go nuts. Thats it. DONE with them...

Ive learned this lesson with family members as well.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Posted by Seraphina

Posted by LadyS

(DH's SIL is pregnant w/#3 and due in nov and my MIL is already talking about throwing her another sprinkle. I'd LOVE to do the same thing back to them, but that just feels wrong and it's not like the child did anything.)

Maybe you could save all the stuff she gave you and put it on top of a "nice present" inside the gift bag just to see her face when she opens it. Once you see her face, giggle and say "keep going, there's something from off your registry in there!"

I kid, I kid!

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Im going to be the odd man out here... While I would have probably rolled my eyes.. I wouldn't be this upset about it.. but then again.. you may have some issues with them that I dont know about.

I know if it were one of my BIL i'd be more upset than if it were the other!!

but def not worth confronting them. YOu will only come out looking spoiled and unappreciative!!! Avoid that!!!

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I appreciate all of the thoughts and you're all correct. I just needed to be talked down from the ledge.

I soooo want to !!!!!!!

I won't.

But I want to!

Grrr...it's so hard to be a rational person in this situation! Inlaws suck...

(And the pp's who talk about men and their insensitivities to when we get upset, you're right. The fact that DH is so nonchalant about it makes me even more mad at the situation. If he was mad along with me, I'd probably not be as angry----it's almost like I feel like I have to be angry enough for both of us at this point.)

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Posted by wo0shply

Posted by Seraphina

Posted by LadyS

(DH's SIL is pregnant w/#3 and due in nov and my MIL is already talking about throwing her another sprinkle. I'd LOVE to do the same thing back to them, but that just feels wrong and it's not like the child did anything.)

Maybe you could save all the stuff she gave you and put it on top of a "nice present" inside the gift bag just to see her face when she opens it. Once you see her face, giggle and say "keep going, there's something from off your registry in there!"

I kid, I kid!

I totally would re gift it back to them but add some stuff from their registry... I'm just a ***** like that

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Ugh, that would totally irk me, but I wouldn't call them out on it. What I *might* do is ask where they got the out of season clothes so I could exchange them for the appropriate size or something for the correct season so it will actually get used. I would hate for the clothes to not get worn because they're the wrong season/size. If they're really a regift, they'll be in a tough spot.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Your DH might be downplaying it because he's embarassed. If this was your sister/brother vent away to your DH about it, but remember this is his brother so try and be sensitive to that. I know I can say all I want about my sisters, but the second my DH agrees with something I say about them, I'll tell him "ok, I can talk about them, but you can't." lol

The devil side of my shoulder likes the idea of asking for a gift receipt to exchange a size.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I have a feeling this is going to happen to me but with my side of the family. So I will have no problem calling them out on some shit like this. After all the things I've done for my family over the years. To get a shit gift for my first born is going to make me reallyyyyyyyy upset

Since it was your bil I would just vent to dh about it and not say anything to them just to keep the peace. I'm surprised your dh doenst understand why youre upset. Boys

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I would probably feel the same way as you and I am someone that puts a lot of thought into someone's gift and try to always do something special so I would be hurt that my first baby was an after thought ~ so I am getting how you feel. My hubby would have probably said they same thing your hubby and downplay it as well, men just deal with thinks so different. I wouldn't say anything although I know it is urking you. Just better to let it go ~ although I do like the pp idea about adding your gifts to a nice gift off her registry for her 3rd baby is a cute idea for your SIL. (I wouldn't have the cahooona's to do it though) Just vent away here and let it go.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I wouldn't say anything about a cheapie gift someone gave me since it is still a gift, but I wonder if it is more about other stuff dealing with them leading up to this point that is bothering you?

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

Are they in a tough financial position where they couldn't afford a gift? If not, it would bother me but I would feel that my dh would feel bad since it was from his relatives and my dh could care less about gifts. I wouldnt say anything. If they are fine financially I would definitely spend less on your next gift to them to make up or it!

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift

I had the same thing happen. My SIL came to my shower walked past me and when I said hi she said "oh hi don't come near me I have kid vomit on me" that was the extent of my convo besides to tell me that one of the gifts was a raffle she won with a gift cert in it that I can't use. Who knows The thinking on that but I honestly haven't seen or really talked to her since I found out she mc earlier this year. It upsets me but I have to let it go because I know if i say anything it will just make things worse. Really who needs that. It could have been worse you have to think, they could not have gotten a gift at all. Maybe when your DC is born they will make up for it. Always be the better person. Or her just don't go nuts she's probably got lots of things already.

Re: Vent/Am I wrong? - BIL shower gift